So we prayed together

So we prayed together
(Old writing, about five years old)

William was restless last night, taking incessantly without pause, or perhaps any reflection,
on and on. So I move him to another area, for Jerome was sitting there forced to listen.
I took him to his room, which at times helps, being by himself, it sometimes quiets him…….
well it did not work last night. So I took him to our little chapel and said, “William, lets pray together”, he stopped taking, looked up, smiled and said: “good idea, I love to pray”. “So William” I said,” lets pray for your family, both living and dead, and all those whom you knew though out life”…..he laughed and responded: “that will be a lot of people”……”yes true” I responded, “but you are connected to all the people whom you have met in your life, so lets pray for them also”….he agreed.

So I read some Psalms to him, with some little New Testaments readings in between, and he got very quiet, and listened intently, his endless prattle in abeyance for a while. After that I asked him if he wanted to say the Rosary, he said “go for it”, so I started the glorious mysteries. So very slowly we began with the prayer, “Oh my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fire of hell and lead all souls to heaven, especially those in most need of they mercy; then the Glory be, Our Father and the Hail Mary’s. He followed me for awhile, and then would get confused, so I would let him lead, then start up again. His face became very peaceful, the long remembered prayer helping his soul find peace, and allowing him to commune with the God he so loves. We then for awhile sat in silence, we talked about the Lord and soon he said I am better now…….then I took him back to the front room, and he remained quiet until bed time. Before I left, he said to me in a soft voice, I love you Markey, thank you.

William has his rough spots, but when he prays, he is at peace, I think that is who he really is deep down, all the other aspects that we experience pass as his moods go up and down, and round and round, but the gentle reflective prayerful William, well that is always there, though perhaps hidden. Perhaps that is why I love this work, for at times it is easy to bring some peace and joy to those whom we care for. Perhaps that is what keeps most in this line of work, the little things that bring some joy.

Finding God's will (notes on a talk I am giving)

Finding God’s will

(Notes for a talk)

At times it can seem like finding God’s will for some people is like going to an Easter egg hunt. Looking under bushes and rocks, seeking to find the God’s will written out in bold letters:  “This is it, my will”….”you win”. Of course it is noting like that, though of course there is a search involved, for everyday we seek the will of God in our lives.

Jesus calls us to more abundant life, to let go, or die to ways of existing that keep us from becoming ever more fully human, loving and compassionate.  There may be people for whom this sounds simple; it is after all written down, all we have to do is follow what the Lord asks of us.  So broadly speaking, if our growth in the love of God is deepening and the love we have for ourselves and others is also growing apace, then God’s will is being done.  Perhaps one aspect of doing God’s will, that will allow all other endeavors to bear much fruit is the deepening of our self knowledge.  In other words, what is below the mask that we present to the world?  How do we follow God’s will for us when we deal with what is behind the mask?  If we don’t learn how to deal with our ‘innards’ then they will deal with us.  Our moods, our slips of tongue, the sins that we commit to help us get through the day, are a form of self protection from becoming ever more fully human and less chained down by fear.  Fear of our selves and of what others will think and say if they really knew us.  Sin is a way of escaping life in all of it rawness; it can stunt us, hurt others and keep us from doing God’s will in our lives.  I still do it, struggle with my fear of facing whatever life presents to me.  If we find an actual ‘vocation’ that we feel is God’s will for us and many of us do, if we lack self knowledge and actual love of self, then our vocation will be stunted and not bear much fruit.  In one degree or another I would think most of us are burdened with this reality.

Sin is not a bad word, nor is the concept of sin meant to make us experience neurotic guilt.  Sin means that we are free, we can convert, change, though the process can be slow and for many arduous.  The reason humility is such an important virtue it that it lessens the need to be defensive before God or others.  It allows listening to happen.  We learn, and we also know of our need of God’s grace, of God’s love, to allow this often slow process to continue.  So in whatever situation that comes up, tools, or spiritual gifts or given for us to accomplish God’s will. 

Failing is also part of this process; it is a call to make a conscious choice to trust in God’s love and mercy, and to simply move on.  Self hatred and contempt, thoughts of being useless or worthless or not gifts of the Holy Spirit, though they can be for some an easy and familiar trap to fall into.  It is a waste of time and energy.  Emotional reactions may always be there voicing negative and hurtful experiences….however….they don’t have to be believed, not fought against. 

We are asked to love our neighbor as ourselves, or more bluntly, actually commanded to do, because it can be so difficult.  This command is given to us out of compassion, to let us know that the struggle should be expected, embraced and not feared.  The death to a way of life that is known is not easy and takes time and patience in our allowing God’s healing grace and love to do its work. 

God’s will for us I would think is to relate to others as he did in the Gospels.  It is easy to make our religion and God’s will for us into some kind of moral agenda that we have to follow.  If this is done then when we fail we can experience that we are outside of God’s love.  We don’t see ourselves; accept our weaknesses, which can lead to simply giving up, or projecting our anger outward towards others.  In others words, we can grow to hate and to have contempt for ourselves, which is then placed onto others.  We hide from ourselves and God, or seek to, which is impossible.  When we are in darkness, it is God’s will I believe to stop, look, and to love all that we see, to embrace and have compassion on ourselves, our pain and barriers that keep us from doing God’s will.  So to love ourselves is God’s will for us, which is based on the understanding that God’s sees it all already, has always seen it, in fact God sees a lot more in us that we could not bear, yet loves and embraces us.  This is not an easy step to take; in fact it may never get easy, but the conscious choice to do God’s will in this regard leads to ever deeper trust in God’s love for us.  This also will heal our relationships with others, since we are all pilgrims on the way; we struggle, fail and get up again.  

God reaches us in our weakness, not in our strength.  Our love and compassion as well as empathy for others, deepens with our own depth of self knowledge and the experience of God’s love that has never left us.  When this happens, no matter what we do, no matter which gifts we develop, we will be doing God’s will, which is “To Love the Lord your God, with your whole heart, mind and soul, and to love your neighbor as yourself.

Abundant life

Abundant life|

What does it mean to have ‘abundant life’; the life that Jesus seeks to give us?  He speaks of living waters that will flow out of our hearts.  He is the living water, so this abundant life is talking about union with God, becoming one with God in Christ Jesus.  Often times our faith can come across as stilted, life denying and fear based.  I think this is normal, since we all mature in our faith and grace seems to work from deep inside and outwards…. like a deep well filled with life giving waters hidden in the desert.  So the fact that Christians struggle and fail is normal and we should not get upset over it.  However, we are also called to witness this new life in Christ, that we are freely given, this living water that allows the desert of our souls to becoming an oasis.

We cannot control others.  In fact I think it is fair to say that we, or again I am speaking for myself, have trouble controlling ourselves.  The life we are called to share is a seed that we plant by our public lives, love and verbal witness that we daily present to others.  We can’t cause the seed to sprout, nor can we put a time table on it, for the living water is buried deep and for many it can take time for the growth to be seen.   Jesus talks about some being called early in the day, others in the mid-time and still others near the end.  This is one way of saying, I believe, that the Holy Spirit works were it will; we have no control.  It is important that our ‘witness’ is not counterproductive in this process.  I do not think any of us can stop the love of God manifested in the Holy Spirit from bringing to fruition those who seek truth, love and goodness in their lives.

In the last judgment scene in the Gospel of Matthew, the people on his right seemed to be surprised that they were welcomed into the kingdom.  I believe this parable points to the fact that when we are judged, it is the heart that is seen and what one professes not that important.  I do not mean that our faith is not important, but if it does reach into the heart, making us loving and compassionate, then it is useless.  Also, those who actually love their neighbors are in fact being led by grace.  In other words, it may not be that easy to sort out, as many Christians seem to think it is, those who are living in God’s grace. There is a reason that we are told not to judge, we don’t know, in fact we should not judge ourselves.  Only God see the depths of the heart, for the most part we can only see the surface, even if we think we see deeply.

Fiction and life

 

 

Fiction and life

I have always loved fictional writings. Stories of another life, being able to get inside and see existence from the perspective of the people in the book, getting to know them and in the finale analysis, to be able to understand why they are, the way they are. Some say the fiction is not real, but actually it is. Since within the covers of the book are experiences both inward and outward, that the reader can resonate with, because in many ways we are very much alike.

A deep understanding of the characters in a novel can be very educational in growing in acceptance of oneself as well as others. I guess they both go together. A good writer can create a whole universe and for a time the reader becomes part of that world, even taking on the beliefs of those who live within the books cover. I guess that is why some people fear opening the pages of certain authors, knowing that they will become part of an alien world, with beliefs that are different from their own. For instance, reading a novel written by Sartre, say ‘Nausea”, is a lot different than reading a novel by C.S. Lewis, his Sci Fi trilogy for instance is great reading. The first was written by an atheist the other by a Christian. Yet in each the reader is drawn into their world for a while.

Also, fiction can make us aware of the stories that we each live out during the years we sojourn upon this earth. Our inner lives are hidden from one another and to a certain extent from ourselves as well. For the unconscious, is vaster and deeper than our waking consciousness can fathom and even begin to understand. The meaning of our inner lives is often mirrored back to us in the way we live with others, judge them and react to how they live out their lives. I would suppose we all from time to time carry the darkness of others projected onto us…and then scape-goateed because of that and vise-versa, we can also punish others for mirroring back to us aspects of ourselves we are out of touch with. So by reading fiction we are drawn into the inner world of the characters, which can help us understand not only how different others can be from us, but also the many similarities that also exist. This is a good bridge to build, for compassion and empathy can lessen the suffering that others can cause us.

I was at the VA this week here in Atlanta. It is a huge building and can be a confusing place to be. The first floor is a maze of corridors that even after many visits can be a little confusing. I had an early afternoon appointment on Friday which took about three hours. After the test was over I decided to go by the canteen to get some coffee before I hit the road to go home. The canteen was getting ready to close and there was no coffee, so I decided to leave and perhaps get some java later, on my drive back. As I was leaving, I noticed to my left a man in a wheel chair who was very slowly making his way out of the side entrance. My first urge was to ask if he needed help, but I repressed it and continued on my way. I felt a gentle inner nudge to help him; again I refused and went a few more steps. The third nudge is the charm, so I went back and asked him if he needed some help. He looked a little relieved and said that yes he was trying to get up to the ninth floor. For someone in wheelchair, who was very weak, that was a vey long trip. So we began our journey. As we proceeded we talked a bit. The hallways were almost empty so it was quiet enough for us to communicate. He asked me when I was in the service and I told him from 67 to71. He said that he entered in 59 and was in every war during his career, his last being the gulf war. He was at the Bay of Pigs, Vietnam and Iraq. He said that he got to be an E5 before he was in the service five years. He was also paralyzed from his waist down, but he did not go into that; if it was service related or not. So we soon arrived at his room and I said my good byes and left.

As I was making my way to my car I began to think about how interesting people are and how many stories they could relate if someone had the time to sit down and listen. I was only with this man for five minutes, yet as I left, I felt that he had a life that could fill many volumes if he had the desire or tendency to write. Most likely he did not, and perhaps did not understand the richness that his life contained, trapped within his own inner world of personal subjective memories. He seemed to be an intelligent man, his smile was kind and his eyes peaceful; so hopefully he has come to terms with all the things he has experienced and seen during his time in the service.

Two ships passing in the night, but when we parted I think I took a small piece of him with me. My heart was heavy, because much of his youth was spent in fighting, yet he seemed proud and unashamed, which is a good thing. Hopefully one day we will live in a world wherein young men and women will not have to be sacrificed for the protection of their perspective countries. Or simply used for the power addiction of certain classes of men and women who have positions of power and will do anything and everything to keep it. Power does corrupt, that is apparent. However, at this time we live in a world where armies are still needed. Yet one can always hope that the inner conflicts projected outward, will one day cease, when we hopefully reach a certain level of maturity and spiritual insight which hopefully will lead to the ending of wars, or at least a lessening.

In the meantime, I truly believe that literature, read thoughtfully, can be a path to an ever deeper understanding of the inner struggles we all go through and the effort it takes to simply strive to live a simple, decent, human life. In each book there is a course in psychology, philosophy and theology; it is just hidden in the story. For we are each philosophers’ trying to make sense of life and the chaos and pain, as well as the joys and sorrows, which that entails. When that is understood, perhaps that is when compassion and mercy become probable, this understanding of the mystery that we are.

Who do we listen to?

Who do we listen to?

 I have at times been mocked for being a sheep, which is of course meant to be an insult for Christians.  Many think that we don’t think for ourselves and that we blindly follow our shepherd Jesus…..in other words we are brainwashed.  Of course this can be true, for there are cults of all kinds and many of them are not religious in nature.  So it is no surprise that there are Christian cults our there. 

I had a friend a few years ago who told me that he was a free thinker.  He made himself, his own man, etc.  So I agreed with him but added:  Ok if you say so, however you do have your DNA, you’re upbringing, schooling, and your friends, many who are like minded, and pretty much say the same things you do.  I continued:  Then there are your teachers in college who were pretty strong in there “free-thinking-ism”, but from what you tell me, they sounded pretty much the same as all so called ‘free-thinkers’.  Then I went on:  then of course there is television, radio… is constantly telling us what to wear, think and how we should look etc.  So yes apart from all that, I would think you are a self created man.  So he said, well what about you?  I am no different my friend, I responded.  The problem is seeking to free ourselves of influences that limit us and perhaps even cause harm to our souls.
 In the past as well as today, we Christians can often fail when we do not truly listen to the one who calls us, our Good Shepherd, Jesus Christ.  We can easily fall into the ‘mass-mind’ that seeks to control all of us.  Jesus does not call us to some kind of moral agenda, but to live a live of openness to his love and grace.  Grace heals our hearts, expands our ability to relate and love others.  When this happens, we do not (hopefully) look upon others as objects to use or to knock out of our way.  If we think of our Christian path as one of some kind of moral agenda, then we will start to compare ourselves to others, if we fail, we could seek to hide it behind a mask of deception.  This can often lead to a stronger aversion to those who share our same sin, our weakness.  The closest group modern pious Christian can relate to from the New Testament is not sinners and those on the fringe, but the Pharisees.  We know the scriptures, or least those parts that don’t challenge us so much as we want to challenge others.  We can thank God that we are not like those others, who do not follow our path.  We praise God that we are not like those with whom he hung out with, but are more like the holy, outwardly clean professionally religious, part of the population.

Who do we listen to?  Do we listen to the words of the 13^th chapter of 1^st Corinthians?  Do we ponder the teachings of the Sermon on the Mount?  Do we enter into the stories that show us how Jesus related to others who were ousted by society?  I struggle to listen to the voice of my Savior and fail often.  Yet I begin again, get up and seek to love more and to be open to the grace of God.  Our hearts expand when we respond to grace and makes acts of trust and yes of love.  We need to take steps, to respond, which is also a response to the invitation of grace.  We are called to respect others, to gently share our faith and hope and then leave the rest to the Holy Spirit, to trust in Gods saving will for all peoples.  I do believe we have free will, which means we choose.  The problem is, other thing Jesus said….we are not to judge, because we do not see, only God sees the heart. We can only be present to others, exhort and accept were they are at, without watering down our own faith.  People know when they are seen, not labeled and boxed in.  The Samaritan woman was most likely ousted not only by the Jews, but also by her own people because of her lifestyle.  Yet Jesus talked to her, accepted her and by doing so, he healed and brought her into a deeper relationship with God.  This seeing that Jesus did, also had an affect on the whole town, bringing many to deep inner healing and to a more trusting and loving relationship with God.
 We can do more by loving, accepting and exhorting others, than by brow beating and judging…..let us seek to be truthful but gentle to those around us. Who like many of us, like me in fact; can be fragile and fearful.  Anger is often a response based on fear.  It is also a rational response against being forced in to a tight corner where the one angry feels that he or she is reduced to a stereotype, something not real.  Stereotypes are simplistic, two dimensional ideas, people are not two dimensional but deep and complex and made in the image and likeness of God.

A maze

A maze

His mind a maze that he gets lost in,
trapped in the corridors of his past,
seeking to relive moments impossible to change,
looping back over and over again.

Dark Ocean

Dark Ocean

Emotions are important, but when they overwhelm our ability to think rationally then there is only trouble.  To be overly rational is just as bad, since it can come across as something less than human, cold and fearful of the deep emotions that we are all capable of experiencing.  Our minds float over a vast ocean filled with our hopes and dreams, fears, hatreds, obsessions and if Carl Jung is right, our racial memories as well. 

It is hard to be human, for it can seem at times as if we are in a raft on a rough sea without a paddle.  Is it any wonder that we have to use great discipline, to simply lead a simple human life, without being self destructive towards ourselves or others?  Many fail of course; our news is full of stories of these failures.  We each must find some way of dealing with this reality. 

Some choose strategies that are harmful. Others can keep even keeled. Then for those who seek to dive in and explore, life can be very interesting, though dangerous as well.  The healing that is necessary for anyone to swim in such a current comes from without (if spatial images must be used), it is called grace. There for all who call upon it. 

Christ Jesus walked on the water and Peter stepped out in faith and also felt his feet on wet solidity…. that is until he looked away from Jesus Christ and at himself; then he began to sink.  He reached out and was grasped by Jesus and lifted up.  So it is with us, to be fully human is to face all that is within, but not alone, for Christ Jesus experiences our lives, he has dived deep into our inner oceans and has come out victorious.  In him we can face any inner or outer storm, his grace and love are there always, though often hidden. 

Faith is not blind, it is based on experience….which is why as we age and continue our journey, we find our faith deepening in ways that those who do not follow this path cannot understand and may show only contempt towards us; thinking us fools and deluded.  Understandable, it does not offend me, for faith is a gift beyond price. Yet to experience faith in its fullness, it has to be embraced.  Like love of another.  If not trusted the love can’t be experienced and again, those who can’t make that act of faith and trust in another human being, may have contempt for those who do and think them fools and deluded. 

Withstanding the desire for revenge

Withstanding the desire for revenge

Mercy like patience takes practice.  As a species we can be more inclined towards justice (or revenge) when applied towards others, and reserve mercy for ourselves.  We all seek to be understood, but to understand others can be an uphill climb, difficult and arduous.  Justice can be applied when mercy is also not forgotten.  Self knowledge, the ability to look within and see what lurks there is not always easy.  Yet when practiced it allows mercy to flower and true justice.  Revenge is not justice, in making oneself judge, jury and executioner, true justice is impossible.  Jesus judges with justice only those who refuse mercy.  To receive mercy there has to be a deep understanding of the nature of wrong doing.  So mercy can only be understood by the one receiving it by having a sense of responsibly for wrong doing and harm done to others….an often painful process.  Mercy given to one who does not know they need mercy, is helpful only for the one giving it, the one receiving may not benefit at all.  Some look upon mercy as a weakness, when it fact it can be the greatest form of strength there is.  It takes courage to withstand the understandable desire for revenge, which in the end only adds to the chaos of the world and the continuing cycle of pain, suffering and yes destruction.

Troubles in community

Troubles in community

The church will always have troubles.  The letters of St. Paul were written to deal with specific problems in the different churches, most of them serious.  Jesus had probably more problems with the first 12 than is written in the Gospels.  Our human nature is such that most of us from time to time will also be some kind of a problem for the communities that we belong to.  Moral failures, in fighting, gossip and struggles for power, are common aspects of any community and the Christian congregations are no different. 

It is also easier to see problems and failures in others than within ourselves, easy to point fingers and to destroy the reputations of others without remorse, without any understanding that what is being done is actually evil. 

This should not be a source of discouragement, though it may cause suffering.  It is part of our human condition.  People have a past; often cruel and abusive, or lonely, or they come from families with lots of addictions.  In the Christian path these have to be grown through and it is often a slow process that could take a lifetime.  That is why we are called upon to be compassionate with others and hopefully, others will be compassionate with us.  Rigidity only leads to hypocrisy; causing problems and difficult issues to be buried and not dealt with……so the problems deal with us when they finally erupt to the surface.  When community members come to understand that they live in a compassionate community, forgiving and offering the love and mercy of Christ Jesus, then our churches and congregations will be healthier and true lights for the world.

To stick with any community is difficult.  To stay with one that has love of God and the openness to grace as its central tenet, can make it that much more difficult because of the manifest failures of its members.  For the higher the calling, the easier it is to fall.  We are called to have compassion on those who perhaps at a certain stage of life can’t return it, yet they are our brothers and sisters on the way. 

In the Christian path, Christ Jesus calls us to be ever more fully human, which means that we are not yet at that stage. As we mature in our walk with the Lord, the new life that he calls us to takes ever deeper root.  Jesus was not driven by fears, anxious concerns and personal sins that kept him from facing life fully; not seeking to retreat into cynicism, contempt and anger.  These are ploys that can be used to free us from understanding the struggles and sufferings of those around us and by doing so blocking us from the self knowledge that is needed on our path into ever deeper grace and love.

Mom and Pop Pharmacy

Mom and Pop Pharmacy

I often go to a family owned pharmacy here in Conyers to pick up medicines.  I know everyone there, not on an intimate level of course, but enough to know that I like them and that they are decent and caring people.  Jeff the owner is a very kind and compassionate man and his family has been in the pharmacy business for over 50 years.  His father is in his 80’s, a gentle man, with one of the loveliest smiles I have ever seen.  In the pharmacy they have a coffee club in the back and everyday a group of ‘old timers’ met and talk.  Jeff’s father is always there; perhaps he is the central personage that holds it all together, for even in the old store over thirty years ago, they had this same coffee club everyday.  I would imagine they just love each others company, have coffee and perhaps at times they may speak of serious things, or hash out some problem one of them is having.  In any case it must be wonderful to have a place to go everyday to meet with those considered friends and trust.  I would imagine one day, say in about 20 years, Jeff will be the one who keeps the tradition going, if the pharmacy survives his retirement. 
Some days when I go in to pick up my meds, you can feel the tension.  Phones ringing, people waiting for their prescriptions, insurance companies to deal with and from time to time irate customers who want instant service, ten minutes ago.  It is however a family owned business and for the most part everyone is known by name, and some families I would imagine, just like my place where I work, have been going there for generations.  They give attention and care in ways that some of the big pharmacy companies can’t, so they do have a loyal following.

The other morning when I went in to pick up an order called in by a doctor for one of our charges. I noticed a woman sitting down waiting for her name to be called.  She was on oxygen, somewhat overweight, and I could see that she was in great discomfort.  I talked with her for a bit and asked her how she was doing and is the heat making it difficult for her to breathe.  She said yes, and smiled.  As she got up to get her meds I saw that she had trouble walking and used two canes.  She then needed to use the rest room, so Jenna the woman behind the counter offered to walk her back.  She had two bags and I offered to wait until she got back, I was in no hurry that morning.  So Jenna took her back and I knew that it would be a few minutes.  About five minutes passed and I saw one of the employees taking a wheel chair to the back and knew it was for the lady.  Not long afterward they brought her out in the wheelchair.  So I offered to carry her bags to the car as she was wheeled out.  When we got outside, Jenna had some trouble with the wheelchair so I grabbed it and was able to get her to her car.  As she was getting out of the chair she said we were her angels and I responded:  “Well they may be, but I just want to get my good deed out of the way, so I can raise hell for the rest of the day”.  She found that so funny that she had to sit back down in her chair until she finished laughing.  I love to make people laugh.  As I was helping her out of the chair for the second time, I noticed how bad her legs looked and felt a surge of sorrow that this nice lady had to go through so much.  Yet she was smiling and when she left she gave us all a cheerful wave. 
At this pharmacy this is done all the time for the customers, it is like a big family.  That is why I am happy we can do business with them, for the competition is great with the bigger companies.  I have nothing against them, we use them to, but it will be a sad day if the mom and pop stores close down, something will die with them and they will be missed.  Hopefully that will not happen.

Puppet masters

Puppet masters

We are all puppet masters from time to time, and then there are times when we are the puppets tied to the strings of others.  We do in fact exert power over others that we can be unconscious of.   The string that I can unconsciously pull with others is when I do something to them, intentionally or not, that brings about humiliation and pain.  Anger and the desire for revenge, is the fruit of being a puppet master, that can spread to others as well.  When people gossip about someone who has done them wrong, when others listen and react, then they to are controlled by the instigator of it all, even it if was not intentional.

I believe the reason forgiveness is so important is that it cuts the strings from both ends, freeing both parties from a relationship that leads to ever deeper wounds if allowed to go too far.  I get hurt and am controlled by the one who hurt me.  So I hurt back and am in control because of his or her response.  The power is moved from one another, an endless cycle of suffering and pain that is played out not only on an individual level but culturally as well.  From my own painful experience, grace is needed to forgive, to let go, and in doing that to discover a deep inner healing and freedom.

Pulling the strings

I believe as a species we have gown weary,
the endless cycles of hatred and pain is death dealing,
to ourselves as well as others,
being a puppet master is hell on earth,
for the one pulling the strings
and the one dancing.

Sad to say,
the dancing will never end,
until our weariness
turns to a fire
consuming all,
for the logic behind this hideous dance,
the getting back
has a hold so strong
that it will relax only in death.

 

The mind

The mind

focus sharp,
thoughts directed,
the mind can free
or ensnare,
creating clarity
or chaos.

The mob
(The dark desire to scapegoat)




I am not sure that there is anyone who could not be caught up in the mob mentality, or perhaps mass mind would be a better phrase.  You get a group together, fire them up and the momentum can take its individual members to places that they may have thought impossible.  Hangings, beatings and burnings have been done by so called normal people all through history.  On some level I believe that the mob uses unresolved anger or frustrations to fuel finding a scapegoat (sometimes actually guilty) to vent it on.  Being in a mob at least for a short time makes it acceptable, good and even virtuous.  Rage fuels a mob; I would think we each have rage in us. In some buried so deep they may not know it, until the match is lit and the mob ignited.  The individual’s will is absorbed by the collective, even if for a short time.  I have no doubt that I could be easily immersed for a time by mob activity if things were ripe; to release the inner lava flow onto someone I could vent it and be cheered on as well. 

When the woman was brought to Jesus who committed adultery was that also a mob scene?   For some individuals in the group bringing the women to Jesus, I would say yes. People being caught up by the energy and excitement of the moment and in doing so allowing their inner desire to punish someone, anyone for what ever reason to surface…. I believe could be manipulated by those who would use this human tendency to their advantage.  So the woman, filled with shame was brought forth to public view, to be judged by Jesus.  Perhaps the leaders of the mob were curious on how he would proceed….would he allow her stoning, or would he break the law and say no.  So they waited for his answer.  He simply responded by putting their own conscience before them by stating:  “He who is without sin, let him throw the first stone”.  A paradox isn’t it.  He woke them up by this statement and they ceased being a mob and were just men in a group that were asked a very deep and personal question.  Perhaps even those who manipulated the group were also shamed; I hope so.

Jesus was sinless; he did not need a scapegoat. He did not have the need to lose himself in any kind of collective, so that the darker aspects of his inner world could be given permission to rain down havoc.  Because of this, for him, Jesus, there are no “outsiders” or “others”, each is just ‘themselves’.  The woman was healed by Jesus because he saw her. Knew her sin; did not reject or condemn her but told her to go and sin no more.  I believe he also had the same compassion for the men in the crowd and perhaps the most for the leaders, who in their blindness were willing to use another human being for religious and political ends.

Seeking out

That which lessens our true humanity,
keeps us imprisoned in our inner hell,
our dark secrets and rages,
and fear of looking within
and accepting what we see in humility,
it is this that God’s anger and wrath seek out,
to burn away that which keeps us boxed in,
fearful of ourselves and others,
and healing our desire to hurt and revenge,
ourselves or others,
on anyone,
anywhere,
anytime.

Our blessing and our curse

Our blessing and our curse

The heart longs for many things;
our songs,
poetry,
novels and movies speak of their power.

Many things we seek,
most in the end lead to frustration
if lucky,
to other worse fates if not.

Fears also are many,
of aging,
death,
being alone
or poor,
or losing that which we have,
it can cause a driven life
of constant movement and action,
never ending cycles
leading from that which we really long for.

Denial also central to lives,
of death,
of aging,
seeking to keep bodies young,
faces tight,
wrinkle free,
fat free,
looking 25 all the days of our lives,
perhaps a fools errand
yet our magazines press it’s readers forward.

Swimming in air,
our ground of being non-manifest,
so we fall forever
seeking something to place our feet,
yet no comfort comes,
for anything less than truth is an illusion,
cotton candy,
feeding the hunger but never taking it away.

Obsessed often over trifles;
when given what we urgently long for
our emptiness increases,
for perhaps we are made for more real food,
found only in learning to swim in air,
with nothing to hold on to,
perhaps the finite is too small for us,
if so,
it is our blessing and curse.

Taste of freedom

taste of freedom

the mind can be our prison,
our senses keep us locked away
believing that what the walls tell us,
in all it monumental grayness,
this is all there is to see,
or hope for,
a chill perceived in its pontificating.

trapped in cycles of pain
thinking there is no escape,
floundering in sorrow and shame
failing to see the way out.

tapes run on automatic
dragged around for another go,
lives wind down,
never knowing the freedom within reach.

knowing that life is but a swiftly passing dream,
yet running from this truth,
sinking further into the trap
until the time comes when the call goes out.

healing soothes the restless mind
allowing grace and thought to once more come,
understanding that before was a kind of insanity
after the taste of freedom has come

Barriers not needed

Barriers not needed

A child’s smile so open and trusting
it’s beneficence freely given to all
can for awhile take away the burden
of simply being an adult,
if only for an instant being set aside.

For with such innocence barriers are not needed;
so for a time,
until maturity comes to soon,
you children are our healers
if only for a short time,
yet perhaps that is enough.

In the unity

In the unity

The clanging noise of our everyday world,
the outer rush compelled by inner fears and need,
hidden below the shallow awareness’s of life’s real depth,
the fruit being the places we create for those around us,
good and bad,
love and hate,
beautiful and ugly,
those worthy and unworthy of our love or attention,
our self destructive tendencies
both individual and cultural that drives us mad,
all this hellish sound of fury
slowly ceases little by little in communion with God.

Boundaries are of little help when standing before the divine
allowing the fire of truth to scour away all that is false,
ignorant,
and yes sinful,
to bring to the fore our essential unity,
we are one,
slowly love reveals itself,
allowing humility to arise and self knowledge to flourish,
learning that before God all are cherished,
our petty pigeon holes shown for what they are
something of little importance.

In the unity only love exists,
on the cross,
nailed,
scourged,
crowed in mockery,abandoned by his beloved followers,
he forgave all,

“Father forgive them for they know not what they do”,

so true,
we don’t know what we do,
not knowing our right from our left,
stumbling,
pursued,
loved.

In prayer we become Christ,
all sentient beings reside in our hearts,
for as true life grows,
our love envelops the universe,
such is the power of the love bestowed on us,
for the reward of love,
is love,
its capacity to grow forever
never reaching the infinite compassion of the Father,
such is our joy
if only we would embrace it,
our little hells would crumble like the sand castles they are.

Isolated worlds

Isolated worlds

From looking into the heart and seeing the inner struggle there
the reality of what hell is comes strongly into the light,
the seeds planted deeply cultivated by each new generation,
splashed upon our TV screens for all the world to see.

Formed by lies our cultures cultivate presenting them as truth,
the innocent young minds twisted by the current prevailing world view,
cultures scapegoats showing each other their shadow, worn by others,
allows hate and contempt to grow with impunity.

Hells are isolated worlds created on lies presented as truth,
the dehumanization allowing cruelty to flourish and grow,
lulling the conscience to slumber and humanity die
one person at a time.

Why?
The question often asked in pain and rage
shaking fist reach up to heaven seeking another scapegoat
on which to hang our responsibility and our sins
and yes our ignorance we don’t have the courage to face.

Mirrors are made for a reason, the reflection serves a purpose,
to look, observe, and change what is reflected back,
allowing our common natures to grow in self knowledge,
empathy and compassion;
the key to escape the maze we have created
by convoluted thinking twisted by fear and hate.

Love and hate reside within, another neighbor violence,
causing havoc and pain around the world,
we stoke our own fire that burns us without mercy,
our wars, racial and religious hatreds feeds the smoke ascending,
our screams rise before a loving and forgiving God
who out love entered our underworld.

So look at the cross and see your soul
carried by God to the plank our pain bearing
the ultimate scapegoat hated and despised
yet only forgiveness and love given in return.

Is God to be feared,
his rage should we flee from?
Or perhaps it is just us we should learn to fear,
for we cannot flee from ourselves
but only eat the bitter fruit grown on the tree of good and evil.

Seeking results than only lead to further suffering
trapped in cycles we cannot seem to stop
tied to the wheel endlessly turning
which only love and self forgiveness can release,
yet we seek it not.

Jesus wept

Doorways and windows

Doorways and windows

I like to make wrist rosary beads out of cord.  I have prayed with them for the past 20 years or so and I guess have given many hundreds a way and some I have sold.  I like to have some small part of creation on me that is dedicated to seeking God.  Catholics call them sacramental.  They are doorways, or windows for us to be able to center ourselves by either praying with them, or just holding them, or just to see them, can be a call to prayer and contemplation.  All of creation is of course a window or doorway's to the infinite, we just need to see.  Can't always do that, so having something that is used just for that purpose, to connect with the Infinite is a good thing to have and use.  We can be scattered, fearful or just tired, so anything that helps to gently put us in touch with the transcendent is good, healthy and life giving.

To respond in times of fear as well as joy

To respond in times of fear as well as joy

The world is worn out, suffering and in pain. I am also weary much of the time. I wear myself out by not living out what I know, or by not truly being open to the grace and love of Jesus Christ. I seek to grow in trust, to let go of fear and at times I seem to be able to respond to graces invitation. Then as this love becomes more real something in me wants to pull back and hide, or run. What keeps me on the path is the knowledge that all is already known. That I am loved and forgiven and that all things in my life will work out for the good. Faith grows, deepens and it does that through the practices of prayer and study, but also through making hard conscious choices to believe and trust, to simply allow to happen what I already know is already happening....to allow God's light fully into my own inner jungle of chaos, fear, anger and lust. To also allow the Spirit to fuel the gifts given to me, to all of us; to love myself and others, as myself, because of my love and openness to God's love and healing power. To respond in times of fear as well as joy….to move forward when I am dry as a bone filled with sand and to keep on the path when I filled with the living waters.....it is all grace given to us by a loving Father through Jesus Christ.

All things work out for the good for those in Christ Jesus.

Rage, our inner hell

How strong anger is.  How deep its roots in the soul.  Within my own heart I often feel its irrational desire to strike out at.  It is not always directed at anyone, no, it just is, like an inner cauldron of dark red energy.  Yet all my life I have been able to contain it.  Better at it sometimes than others, but it is not overwhelming, though at times painful.  I call it anger, but in reality it is rage, something deeper than anger and beyond reason.  Anger is good; it can lead to constructive action, giving courage and energy for some wrong to be made right, or for someone needing help and protection.  Rage is mindless, like a hungry dragon spewing fire and destruction, wanting only revenge and annihilation for those perceived as an enemy.  It can be insatiable, always empty, starving and seeking to fill an ever expanding inner hunger.  It is its own hell.  Perhaps it is this constant rage that demons feed off of and feel, always seeking release, always hungry, yet never achieving release from the all consuming rage and hatred of God and man. 

As a species I believe that this rage lurks in all hearts, the only release (a boon denied demons because they do not want it), is to seek healing and forgiveness, not only for ourselves but for all those we have inner rage towards.  Be it a person, race, religion, or group and finally in the end, God. 

Christ bore our collective suffering and rage, allowing himself to be tortured and killed.  Yet he forgave, in him is the healing love of God the Father. We need not be afraid of what we see within, because it is all seen anyway.  No, not to fear, but to open up ever further into the Father’s light and love…for we are all seen, there is nothing to fear, all we need do is to surrender to that which can save us from our own inner hells.  To desire healing is to in time receive it.  To seek release from the chains of inner torment and imprisonment is to find.  For God is closer to us than our spit, or guts, our bones and morrow, we exist in God; we live and move and have our being in God.  The more we see our need, the more blessed we are, so courage, if Christ is for us, who can be against us.

Our souls are flame,
burning blue so much it’s heat,
seeking the cooling fires of God’s love,
wherein the raging inner sea of tumultuous fire,
becomes a healing balm for all

Habitually impatient, or maybe not

Habitually impatient, or maybe not

Patience is not an easy virtue or habit to acquire.   It is not a permanent state to be arrived at, but a way of letting go of control of the illusion that being angry, or impatient, or demanding, will get results that will go according to my will.  Stuck in traffic, or dealing with someone whom I think difficult, will not change if I get irritated or angry, merely for the reason that the event or person will not be the way I want it, or them to be.  So each day patients has to be practiced when the inner feeling or emotion is actually far from feeling serene.  We become patient in the moment that we either practice it, or attempt to.  It allows us to have some objectivity about ourselves and the world around us.   A person who is habitually impatient is very unhappy because the world will not line up according to anyone’s desires. We are called to adapt, to speak up when it is needed, but overall to understand that it is not all about us.  To embrace the moments is not always easy; but to constantly seek to attempt to control others and outer events, is even more difficult, though paradoxically easier to do.  Self-centeredness seems to be easy and natural for us, though it leads often to chaos and cycles of pain and deep frustration.

To react to an injustice with anger is not inpatients. It is not about control of others, but not allowing others to control or manipulate us in ways that are harmful.  It is not about being a doormat, but about being centered, in the moment and being truly present to others and when needed, to speak truth in a way that is not manipulative.  A slow process but one well worth seeking to acquire; one day at a time as the saying goes, that is all we can do, one day at a time Sweet Jesus.

Weariness to all

A constantly squeaking wheel,
will soon be ignored,
inpatients leads to further frustration,
for a habitual impatient person
is weariness to all.

Whom do Christians despise?

Whom do Christians despise?

Because of the deep mystery of infinite love, Christians can often fail in understanding its meaning for the world.  We are told not to judge for a reason, we are blind to the inner man and the dignity of those around us.  For did not Christ say he was in the least, the poor, the unattractive, and the despised.  So whom do Christians despise?  In them is found Christ.  We are called upon to simply love, though there is nothing simple about it, for to do that the heart has to be opened to the love, mercy and forgiveness of God’s grace.  What we freely receive, we must freely give.  Yes there is failure, but in Christ each moment is a new beginning; not only for us, but for all. 

Dream like but real

Dream like but real

I often wonder what the world would be like if we could really believe that one day, each “I”, my own “I”, will day simply cease to exist, at least as far as this world is concerned.  It is true we all know we will die, but I believe it is something like someone who smokes saying about lung cancer:  “Well we have to die from something”, then when the day comes, there is shock, fear and the desire to beat the disease at all cost.  I visited a grave yard here in Conyers last week.   It was kind of hidden from site but it was interesting to look at the old graves, some over 150 years old.  Some grave-markers were so old the markers were just plain stone; so maybe some of the graves are even older.  I saw plots for whole families, many children’s graves and there were a few where the people lived to be in their 80”s, which back then was most likely something special.  Each one a life lived out in the way I live out my life from day to day.    I have always had trouble with time, as I suppose many do, it does not seem linear when actually thought about, or experienced, it is as if all moments, no matter how far back, are in fact very near, almost ‘now”, as if they just happened.  As I get older the thought that this life, though real, is perhaps more dream like than not is something I can’t shake. 

Sitting with the dying

Sitting with the dying

Sitting with the dying I feel is a privilege, to be able to do simple things for them.
To place their hand on top of mine, to give little sips to help fight off thirst, or to wipe a fevered forehead with a cooling clothe; yes just simple things.

Or to sit in silence, or reading from the psalms, or saying some prayers and talking when they seem to need it; which they seldom do in their last days and hours; for in the end they are waiting.  They are enclosed by the in-between, a land of grey mist and desert surroundings, where one world is fading and another slowly coming into view.  It is the middle place, the inner desert that the waiting takes place. Their own private Gethsemane, where with Christ the chalice must be emptied, all dregs imbibed  The final stripping after a long journey of slow diminishment, the loss of so many things, now the final letting go is soon at hand.

It is as if they are hanging over a dark abyss, their souls being healed of their life long journey.  For who does not have wounds deep that make life constricted and painful, pulling the strings at the most inopportune time, keep the fullness of life at bay?  So, it is the waiting for release that is witnessed by those who simply sit and accompany the dying.

In sitting, we see our own deaths, for in the end what we do, all of us (at least I think so), is wait for our turn.  Each day we have little deaths, losses, diminishments, preparing us for the final death and all that implies.  To face that is freeing, though at times it can bring terror, for the place of in-between is one of ruthless stripping, the final cleansing by infinite love, that is beyond all our exalted and yes petty ideas, of the ultimate mystery we call God.

What lies beyond, I have no idea, could death be the end, yes it could.  If it is, well we still need to sit with dying, hold their hands give them drink and wipe their foreheads and pray with and for them; well at least I think so.  For we live in a world where I think we are not supposed to know, but to live in trust, hard as that may be.