Everydayness

Everydayness

 It is in the everydayness that we seek truth, though there can be times where we rise above the clouds into a broader reality.  In our everyday lives we always have to choose, make choices to take that next step forward.  The inner life, the life of seeking to deepen our love and trust in God, is one of growing in conscious awareness of who we are and what we are capable of doing and becoming; both good and bad.  Of knowing that each moment is a new beginning of openness to the grace of Infinite Love…. so there is always hope, no matter how dark our days can become.  To choose is often difficult but necessary for us to grow as human beings.


Love of self is difficult, it is the hard road, not to sink, to give up, or to take our inner struggles and pain out on others.  We each have a load to bear; no one is exempt, so seeking to grow in compassion can make each of us a healer for others.  When there is failure, it is a spur to become more open to the grace that gives us the reward of loving, which is to love more, an eternal journey.  That is why eternity is not boring, each moment a new revelation.  Ever deeper in and higher up, if we keep an open heart and allow the Lover of our souls who seeks us in to our deepest recesses. 

Trying to be a caregiver

caregiver

Trying to be a caregiver

Boundaries can be difficult when trying to be a caregiver.  Each person is so unique that different paths need to be taken with them.  The compulsive side to any gift one has is the major source of suffering in any aspect of work and the only way out of that situation is to yet again look at the under-side of the upper-side.  People who need to be taken care or in positions of powerlessness that most of us don't understand until we are there.  So when to allow and when to say no can be difficult.  Dealing with their anxious concerns can also be wearing, but I believe that anything worthwhile will always bring a time of self-introspection and hopefully a new beginning until next time.  If not, well there is always burn out. 

Many become caregivers because they have to.  Taking care of one person, a loved one, can actually be much more difficult than what I do, since I have help and work in an environment where I can if need be take a break.  Those who are alone often can’t, so the experience is different not only by degree but also the danger to physical health.  Family caregivers often die before the ones they are trying to help, the stress being so great.  For some this happens because they never learn to set boundaries, nor can they let go of control of their role and allow others in….this can be and in fact is often unconscious.  For others, other family members don’t help; often because the caregiver fails to let others know what they exactly need, then get angry when no help comes their way.  It is a difficult situation for all when this happens. 

If the care giver knows that his, or her care is up to them, then things won’t spiral out of control.  Self care leads to a better ability to care for others.  If not then there is anger, resentment and communication can be impossible.  What I call a ‘human situation’, one that can’t be resolved since any responsibility is not taken to rectify the situation.

The world is real to them

Their world is real to them

The time is here, something dreaded in point of fact,
he is entering a phrase wherein he will become very confused,
paranoid, combative and  filled with deep fear, anger and rage,
then, the caregiver has to help as best as can be done,
a war of sorts, between the ones caring for,
and the one being helped but does not know it,
worlds in collision, a horrible time, but something real,
that has to be gotten through,
so shutting down helps, though I personally hate it,
yet how else can it be done, this dealing with human pain,
confusion, dementia, that only gets worse as time goes on?

For the world of the demented is real to them,
just as my world is to me, I just have others who agree with me,
communication difficult if not impossible and it only gets worse
for those in confusion with no way out,
this seeking to reach out to assuage their pain,
 but it is impossible for the one suffering,
so help is given the best it can, being seen as something different
by the one receiving aid.

It is a human situation, a painful one, in a life often filled with pain,
is there no end to this dance? 

Yes there is; death is not always the enemy, it can be the bringer of peace,
and those who have faith, something more.

When we belittle others

When we belitle others

What happens to our hearts when we mock, gossip and belittle others?  It is a self inflicted wound that will only bleed and become more infected until the time we seek forgiveness and mercy for the damage done.  If people are indeed mirrors into our own souls, who is it we are judging and hating? Perhaps ourselves when all is said and done?  We are commanded to love ourselves because without it, what we truly feel in our hearts will only overflow to those with whom we relate.  A vicious cycle that only gets smaller and tighter as we age. 

The seaarch

The search

In solitude, when there is quiet, it is then that the inner world demands attention.  Face to face with a presence that is closer than our skin, beyond form, yet seeking a response.  If I was an atheist I would find solitude different….how different I am not sure, for the same emptiness of silence would remain.

Being self aware, mankind is the observer of the universe.  Perhaps without self awareness, the universe would simply be asleep, unconscious, for there would be no one to see or observe what is and the seeking after meaning.  We are the name givers after all; we make up species, name plants and seek to see ever more deeply.

Who observes us?  Observation is not a good concept when dealing with the transcendent, but language does have its limitations.  Are we brought into existence because we are simply in the ‘mind’ of God?  If this is so, why is this observer so hidden from us?   Perhaps apart from pets, the natural world only experiences us as an intrusion, often a very unpleasant one, but hidden from them as well?  Hence, our aloneness and feelings of being rootless and adrift, in an often painful and confusing universe with only a few short years of actual existence.   

I believe we are made to search, to seek for answers and in the journey to understand that we will never get to the bottom of it.  We live in a realm where ‘doubt’ is what keeps us searching for deeper answers in relationship to the mysteries of our existence.  As well as seeking to find that treasure, the deepest longings of our hearts….which for all of our sophistication, is to simply be seen. We call that ‘being seen’, love. 

As I get older, I am finding that time has a funny quality to it.  It takes everything away from us if we live long enough.  Yet, as we are being stripped of one strength at a time, one family member and our friends, when our cultures pass us by and leave us in the dust, yet, there is a deeper life within that becomes stronger, stable, even if the outward aspects of our lives move towards extinction…at least as far as the world is concerned.

Faith cannot become a mere ideology, since they all die.  Faith and yes religion, which I believe is necessary, stays alive because it is ever brought to its knees by failure and a lack of understanding of the teachings and example of its founder.  The failures of the followers of God, do not point to the non-existence of God nor does it say anything about the actual faith….it only points to the central problem in our world, the cause of perhaps most of our sufferings, it is of course ‘us’, ‘me’.
 That which observes and upholds us will one day bring us all to an accounting, to a time when all of what we did, did not do, the pain and joy we caused, will be looked at, we will become the observer of ourselves, to see ourselves as God see us.  I am not sure that is consoling, but something necessary in a world where justice is also an important issue for humans.  Justice for all, and also an accounting for all….love demands that, that we see all, that we come to the true understanding of who and what we are, for the need of mercy, both to receive and to give.  In the end, we choose, to receive mercy and grace, to give it, or not.

I do believe in hell, a place of eternal isolation, a state of being where one chooses not to observe as God observes, so stays locked in a freely chosen existence where the only observer is the one locked in a self-made prison.  Where their judgments are the only ones worth paying attention to; becoming perhaps the ultimate victims themselves, impossible to reach for eternity, trapped in one moment of isolation freely chosen. 

We either create ourselves, or allow grace to create us.  Grace allows love to blossom, healing to flow and living waters to quench the deepest thirst of the human heart.  By grace we are brought to full stature, a gift that we respond to.  To create ourselves is ultimately to create a world of lies, since we become trapped in an endless cycle of our own finite nature.  Only love can free us from that reality, grace, something I believe that is open to everyone.
 

Just an old fogy

Just an old fogy

It is easy to think we each, in our opinions, have a larger piece of the pie of truth than others.  I wonder if perhaps the biggest slice any of us can have is a very thin one indeed.  The most important questions are those that remain after all of our other needs are taken care of.  Water, food, shelter, family etc…then the deeper questions, perhaps the most important ones come to the surface.  Possibly that is why in affluent countries, filled with people who are educated and have time on their hands, have so much trouble with depression and the feelings of isolation and depression. The deeper needs if not addressed in some way can lead to self destructive behaviors. 

As we age and the length of our future lessens, these questions can become more incessant, so also can the need to escape from the reality of our approaching deaths and loss of everything…. at least as far as this world is concerned.  So we are left with either seeking some answers that will help us along the way, or continue to pretend that all is well.  The problem is not about what one believes, since we live in a world, a small world now because of our communication networks, where many beliefs rub elbows on a daily basis.  I think the real problem is how our beliefs affect us, our lives and how we treat one another, especially those who are different.  Both religious societies and secular have dark histories in how ‘outsiders’ were treated in the past and are treated today.   

I believe our technological advances outstrip our maturity and ability to actually communicate on a level that leads to growth in understanding of other view points.  Perhaps that will never happen in many cases.  However, as hard as it can be, there is real communication going on.  Not from the extremist, but from those in the middle, the so called moderates.  Moderates are comfortable with doubt, and because of that will not allow their own anxieties dictate how they will relate to others.  People who are weak in what they believe will often come across as being sure of themselves, which is why  fanatics all look alike, or sound alike, no matter what their belief system is.  I suppose we can all fall into this kind of thing and it takes discipline not to and to hold back from pushing too hard.  All it accomplishes is for the other side to push back harder. 

I am used to being held in contempt because of my beliefs; it does not bother me too much anymore.  I have learned however from my past experiences to at least try not to put others in that position, for that kind of thing only leads to further fragmentation of our society.  Cultures die, not sure if ours can last much longer seeing the road we are walking down.  Perhaps age gives perspective, or not.  I remember decades past, where the world was far from perfect, but if back then people were told what it would be like now, I think they would draw back in horror.  True we have lots of new gadgets that make life easier and more productive but at a high price (and I know we can’t go back).  We are owned by our toys, we don’t own them.  What could have made our lives easier and more leisurely, is in fact speeding us up more and more, with more to do, and leaving little time to sit still, relax or to even think.  I am an old fogy of course, so maybe that is all it is.  I hope so.

The last phase of life

The last phase of life

As I was taking care of Luke early this morning I could tell that this was going to be a morning of confusion.  He was in a good mood, but as happens often with the very old, he will soon be 102, his body is awake but his mind is still in some dream.  Luckily the dream seemed to be more or less pleasant.  He has to be watched of course because he can’t walk by himself, though he can with assistance and great care get to the bathroom and back to bed.  He does not always know this, h is need of help and he being still very quick needs to be watched closely at all times.  He is not a problem, he just does not know what he can’t and cannot do.

Alphonse is different.  Yesterday I pushed him gently to do more.  He had a fall and broke his elbow and is on the mend, so he is still a little shy about doing things on his own.  The body has its own intelligence and at this time he can be overly cautious.  So I encouraged him to get up on this own, while being right behind him, but not touching.  Letting him undress as much as he could etc.  Last night he seemed less anxious and I believe part of that is his slowly becoming more independent.   It is good to see.  He is looking forward to the day when he can be on his own.

So both Luke and Alphonse need watching and care.  Luke because he does not know what he can’t do, and Alphonse because at this time he is not sure what he can do.  A different need for two different men, as it is always, when caring for others.  No two cases alike.

Emilio who died in Nov 2008 was the only exception that I have experienced as a care giver who seemed to know exactly what he could or could not do.  He would let me know that at this time in his life he needed help, because he was getting too weak.  He was always right and because of that after one bad fall, he never had another one.  He even knew when he was going to die.  He told me in June of 08 that he would die before Christmas because he could see how weak he was becoming.  A few days before he died, I was away, so I called him and he told me that he was unafraid and ready to go.  He was such a gently man that I still miss him.  His smile is imprinted on my mind, so gently and loving.

There is joy and suffering no matter what one does in life.  We always have to deal with others, just as others have to deal with us.  Some are easier, some more colorful and others, well they can yes be a pain in the ass as well, yet all are lovable if looked at without comparison to others.  We each have a long history, at the end of our lives that history may catch up to us, where all filters are gone and we are simply ourselves, all subterfuge dropped and there we are….naked on many levels before others.  Perhaps this is the final healing in life’s long process, well hopefully that is so.  Who are we when the ego is no longer helpful, or even important, or perhaps shattered through dementia and illness?  One of the good things about being a care giver is that hopefully I can help those here on there last mile to blossom ever more and to become more open to reality, to God and the deepest promptings of their own heart. 

If we have souls 

Old age the final frontier
not easy by any means,
often painful on many levels
that is unknown in youth or middle age.

Which I believe is the most important
part of our lives,

If indeed we do have souls,
a heart that grows eternally,
and we take our love with us;
and all else drops away
or is purified into gold.

Until that final chapter,
most of us live in the in-between
of faith and doubt,
of hoping against hope,
for in this realm
we must always seek,
questions and never give up.