This New Year

This New Year

I pray the New Year for you will be blessed,
that new beginnings will bring deeper hope,
and a desire to grow in spirit;

To love more deeply and to fear less,
to face your inner demons
with love and compassion,

Never giving up no matter the failures,
to get up for our greatest enemy
is to despair,
to sink,
so easy to do,
sinking under the waves.

Swim broadly and with strength,
if tired, to learn to float a bit,
to smile in the face of inner turmoil
and outer chaos,
for no matter  your inner or outer state,
the New Year points to God's infinite love,
and that every moment is a new beginning,
on our long and often arduous journey.

Reach out to others this New Year,
to those you perhaps overlook,
for within them is a fine treasure.

So embrace the lonely,
the outcast,
listen and  simply ‘see’ who is before you,
and your light will grow,
your warmth spread,
in a world often dark and lonely.

New Day, New Year, New Moment

New Day, New Year, New Moment

One year ends, another begins. It is like a fresh morning for many, though deep down it is known to be only pretend. Perhaps each day is in reality a "New Year", a fresh beginning that slowly wilts as the day comes to an end. Pressures build up, focus can be lost and fatigue can at times be unrelenting. It can seem so absurd. However, for the believer life does have a purpose, one that can be forgotten in the hurly burly of life. It is to see the one before me, to love that person, not to use that human being made in the image and likeness of God. Doing so will put me at odds with many others. How do I treat those who work for me? How do I treat my family, strangers, and acquaintances? Do I forget what is important, and allow relationships to die because of issues that are in the long run less important than the deep relationship I have with those around me. New day, New Year, New Moment, mercy given and received, always there for the asking, all that is needed is to open ones heart to grace that simply 'is', present and shown its true nature (for Christians) by Our Lord Jesus Christ. I often fail, but I get up. Slowly I have learned to look to Jesus, not to myself, for in grace and healing come the gifts that build up not only myself, but others up as well.

Elegant old woman

Elegant old woman

As I was walking towards the book store,
on a cloudy and windy day,
low flying dark clouds
with the hint of coming rain;

I noticed an old woman walking from her car,
bent over, wearing a green scarf,
with an elegant cane, 
polished and black,
with a sliver handle,
clasped by her small hand,
which was covered by an expensive looking black glove,

Her face thin,
lined and wrinkle,
blue eyes,
and a gentle smile for everyone;

As I watched her,
a woman who has grown old with grace,

I pondered,

If she ever wakes up on a morning such as this
and wonders how she could have become so old,
so fast;

Like magic.

For was it not just yesterday that she was young,
beautiful and limber in body?

Conceivably she smiles with such gentleness,
warmth and compassion,
because she understands how precious the moment is,
so fleeting, then part of a long winding past;
yet the present remains.

Perhaps she has accepted life and its moments so fleeting;
the good, bad, painful and pleasurable experiences that all pass,
and in doing so has remained elegant,
beautiful and glowing,
for she does not cling.

Who knows?

I know that I wake up on some mornings
astounded that I am now ‘older’,
each year speeding by  faster,
and in knowing that
I no longer get bored,
for the worst of days is precious,
fleeting,
and I am learning to embrace
the common experience
of everyday life.

Strange how it works

Strange how it works

We are here for such a short time,
to die at a young age,
or old,

does not matter much
in the long view,
our lives are short

and pass quickly.

Love is the currency of real life,
happiness flows from the paradox of giving,
while clinging can cause one to sink,
stange how it works,
that the more we give away,
the more love we have.

The faces of others

 

The faces of others

When looking to closely at ones nose, the faces of others can be missed. Their smiles, love and concern. Uncross the eyes, look up and embrace those in front of you. I speak from experience. No one knows their nose as well as I do, suprised I am not cross eyed.

The gift

The gift

Christmas is a time of joy for those who believe in Christ Jesus.  It is more than just gift giving, as important as that is for us all.  To give and to receive from loved ones is a very important event in our lives.  For Christians, Christmas is a time of ‘The Gift’, a gift of love so great that God wrote himself into our story, our lives, our sufferings and joys.  In the Incarnation, we see the personal aspect of God’s immanence made flesh.  Showing us the intimacy that was always there, now made manifest to all.

The hearts true north

Within the heart of an infant, the universe dwells,
we are each precious in his sight,
though at times perhaps hard to understand
and for many impossible to believe.

Cynicism often hides terror;
the fear of believing
that the hearts deepest longings,
may be a true north
for the heart.

I am at times tempted
by the cold alluring embrace
of the cynical within.

The barge

The barge

So we sail upon this barge
moving aimlessly over a deep unruly sea,
we hold hands and laugh and sing,
work and play as if everything is fine,

Though we know it is not so.

This craft we travel together on
is flimsy and weak beyond all telling,
so we cling to one another until it sinks.

This we all know to be so.

Our fears often hidden deep within,
for our inner lives are a deep ocean as well,
recesses hiding our terror
as well as our deepest longings,
often too painful to ponder.

What we seek often tortures us,
for we can’t seem to quench that thirst,
no human love can fill the void
that is wider and deeper
than our universe.

Infinite longing seeks in like,
the living waters that can only fill,
inner and outer oceans perhaps are one,
showing us the answer though often not seen.

Good, evil, and the in-between

Good, evil and the in-between

There are times when he seems be present.

Others, well, lets say he is somewhere else.
Memories filled with deep emotions….
joys, sorrows and deep tears
that seem to often flow from regret.

He can be comforted at times,
but mostly all that can be done,
is to simply be with him
as the tears flow and he seems to confess
of happenings long past.

He is lost to what went before until they arise to present themselves.
Or is it a confrontation that in end we all must face?
For he is human, unique in experiences,
but not in his basic humanity and fragility,
a life filled with good, evil and the in-between.

Luckily it goes, this awful sadness and regret,
another mood arises,
a happy one, or angry, the former forgotten,
which is a grace I believe,
perhaps he finding true rest only in death

A role to play

A role to play

Life is a process, from the time of conception, until natural death.   To interfere at any stage and to end that process is murder; potential cut off before its time.  Life is not a commodity, but has a deep meaning.  Each person has an important role to play in life and to end a life is to end that participation.  Murder can be legal, as it was in Germany in the 1930’s and 40’s, yet wrong none-the-less.

Once a road is taken it will lead us to the end, no matter what the outcome may be.  Family is the center of any culture.  When it goes, the glue that holds it together will loosen and over time it will collapse.  Today the media and entertainment industry are the baby sitters for many of our young. Parents have two jobs and many don’t have the time to be with or teach their children. So children will get their values from sources that are shallow at best, and manipulative at worst…..it is all about profit, with no regard with how the present will bring about an unpleasant future.

We each become the product of our time and what was considered horrible in the past becomes acceptable in the present.  On the flip side, when we look at the past, we can be shocked at what was considered ordinary; slavery for example.  For good or ill we are absorbed into our milieu.  As it was easy to accept slavery in the past, so today it is easy to accept that the termination of life in the womb, as a right. Without regard for the rights of the unborn, is accepted and even encouraged.    In the future, perhaps those who live then will hopefully look back with shock and horror at what we considered normal and ordinary.  Or worse, they will not, but the seed planted today will come to full fruition in the future and we will, when old, will gather it.

Just as there was pain and anguish in the time of slavery, so it goes with abortion.  Many suffer from this problem, those who are pro-life and those who are pro-choice, suffering cannot be avoided. 

There are human situations that only a strong moral base can fix.  Even then things can be open-ended, impossible.  Unless we have a place to stand from, some roots from some tradition, then all we have is the latest fad, or cultural down turn, that soon becomes normal and acceptable. 

I have no answers, but the center of our cultures, not only in the United States, but world wide, seem to be unraveling.  Those in the middle of it, again, may see it a normal.  Things in the United States are better in some way from the past, but much worse, in ways that are important today and will have a profound affect on our future.    

Glory hidden in form

Glory hidden in form

All power veiled,
glory hidden in form,
with riches nowhere to be found,
in a forgotten cave coming forth,
into a world cold and indifferent,
as well as perilous,
in paradox revealed,
a light was born,
an unlikely Savior
to us came,
an infant so weak
yet God incarnate,
embracing all in infinite love.

Just a piece of the puzzle

Just a piece of the puzzle

We seek meaning,
also justice,
longing for balance
in a world over wrought.

Justice is not found at all,
revenge often is
its almost evil twin,
yet so unlike.

It is like drinking from the ocean,
it does not quench thirst,
it just kills what it seeks,
and the cycle remains.

Longings stay,
like an itch that will not go away,
we try to scratch to no avail
it is just too deep
it cannot be reached.

Do we have a soul?
Seeking to fill it-self with nourishment,
but finds itself starving instead?

We long for roots
in a world without permanence,
we have no real home,
perhaps only memories
long past,
painted in pastels,
as if the past were our Garden-of-Eden.

We question an empty sky,
some say they receive an answer,
others laugh and say not so,
it is a dream, a vapor,
which does not exist.

My faith is often over an abyss,
bottomless and dark,
yet it continues to grow
and to reach for what is not conceivable,
as if I am lead by a light I can’t see,
yet in some way perceive:

It says to me:

“Things are not what they seem,
all of you are wrong in your perceptions,
it is so for a reason,
for the road of unknowing,
of doubt and struggle make your soul strong,
and in the end fearless.’

‘Reality is harsh, true,
your thirst deepens as well,
yet I accompany you in your sojourn,
all of you,
even though I am not perceived,
I am existence itself,
even more than that,
so embrace doubt and believe,
unbelief is not the strong path,
for it gives up on what all are called to,
a relationship with love unending,
hidden for now,
but one day will be revealed,
for your seeking flows from your being my child’.

Only silence remains

Only silence remains

 Infinite love and a world filled with evil,
pain and questions that will never be reconciled,
reality simply is, suffering happens, so does happiness,
it can seem so random, is that so?

Chaos and randomness rule the day,
like the roaring waves on the oceans surface,
causing damage and death to those floundering.

It passes and peace comes for a time,
yet the storms and pain seem greater than the tranquility,
our wounds both inner and outer pick at us,
healing if it comes, often comes slowly or too late,
or so it seems.

If God is not, then it is all random,
there are no deep questions,
we just adapt, live the best we can,
die and sleep for eternity,
if annihilation can be called sleep or rest.

If God is,
the questions remain,
why, why, why, WTF?

Only silence remains,
empty skies without an answer,
though silence is possibly
the only way God can speak to our hearts.

Be still and know I am God, says the psalm,
sit with the pain, the waves will come,
not only for us, but for all we love and cling too,
all will sink below the surface.

Deeper in, more silence, greater peace,
connection with all,
a small glimmer of light,
perhaps some understanding,
yet without faith and hope,
the strength to live with this tension
of ‘not knowing’ much of anything
can darken our souls;
for we are made to question and seek answers,
the most important ones for us
often remain unanswered.

My path has the seeds of answers,
that slowly grow over the years.

I see the slight foot prints of Jesus
when I look back over my life,
an intimacy so close that it is darkness.

I see it around everyone.

So bright it blinds the soul,
everything there but unseen,
for we would become undone,
unable to live,
or walk the bloody path most of us or on
if the hidden reality experienced.

One has gone before us,
walks with us,
at times carries us,
even if unfelt and we feel alone.

Faith, hope and love,
love the greatest because it is eternal.

No wonder the human heart seeks love,
and longs for it like a thirsty man
dying in the desert.

We are all connected,
our love and prayers reach all,
our perceptions mean a great deal,
and what seem obvious
is not so.

God is present to me;
I am often not present to this reality.

It is everywhere

It is everywhere

In the end it is joy and love that last...all the other crap, real enough though it be, passes.  Christ is risen afterall, many Christians may forget that central realilty of our faith....I know I do and then I can get dark....yet grace always comes and lifts me up.

Grace is free, it is everywhere, in the darkest corners and in the brighest days.... it is the stable point of a world, both inner and outer, that is unstable and often crazy.  God loves us, always, God is always yes, we can be the ones, or I can be the one, that says no, or maybe, or call me back tomorrow.

Our deepest enemies

Our deepest enemies

When sorrow can be expressed up front,
with tears and feelings of deep anguish,
with anger and rage;
it can be a balm of sorts,
though the suffering continues,
perhaps never ending.

There are those who don’t react this way,
(many, perhaps even most),
yet something else happens,
a deep darkness descends,
there is neither rage or anger,
at least felt,
only a feeling that the heart,
the soul,
is being lacerated beyond repair,
as if all of humanity is suffering.

Revenge and despair are our deepest enemies,
for both mimic realities,
seeking to escape the ‘unknowing’ of our realm,
the reality that to figure things out,
to understand our selves and others,
may in fact be impossible.

The closer the evil,
the deeper the wound.

Families, individuals, communities and nations can be wounded,
for the connection is deeper than we know;
all we can do perhaps is to seek to forgive,
to embrace and yes for those who believe,
to pray for healing, mercy and if possible,
understanding.

I feel Lord that I am sinking,
what a spider web mankind has created,
a sharing of pain and evil and sorrow,
a connection of chaos and disintegration,
which perhaps only love can heal.

Love does not save from pain;
it only increases our capacity to endure,
as you did when you experienced what we can do,
to you, to each other, a seeking to kill the God image
in others and in ourselves.

Perhaps hell is a place of coldness,
humanity dead,
darkness,
the embracing of shadows and despair,
a ploy to escape the pain of love,
of forgiveness and the love of self and others,
and the wounding and healing of your infinite loving fire.

Violent species

Violelnt species

I am violent.  I have strong inner images that suggest that I fight, overcome my enemies with force and as well as overcome the rights of others so that I can get what I want.  I am also a man who has compassion and love for others and am a care giver by trade.  I am both angel and beast, perhaps we all are.  I believe for anyone to be just a decent everyday human being takes a great deal of inner balance, self knowledge and discipline.  We do it so often that this reality can be overlooked.  

Violent games and movies are loved my men.  I love them, know they are fantasy, but they are in fact violent.  Men are war like, we are built to fight, to protect, to attack as well.  This of course works against us, this instinct to fight and overcome others.  Wars are the outcome of this inner war forced out upon others.

Women can be violent as well.  The very best of us has an inner beast, as well as an inner reptile that we all need to deal with.  For some, I consider myself one of those, we may need to be more aware to simply keep this inner 'self' under control.  Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde  a story based on fact, not fantasy.  Two sides, two faces, two ways to do things….We are divided, at war with ourselves, well many of us are.

I do agree however that if those entities that exist just to make money, would consider the long term effects their games, drugs and foods have on our society it may help things a bit.  We are part of our culture, all of us; none of us are free from the influences of TV, mags, internet and our friends.  

We are sinners, we miss the mark, we are yet fully human.......perhaps mostly beast at this junction of our evolution.  Yet I have hope, for most people struggle like I do just to make it through the day and to hopefully make this world a better place.  I think this is God’s grace at work in all of our lives, a part and parcel of all existence.

The path

 

 

The path

Some mornings,
during my time of prayer,
my mind can be so un-present,
rootless and scattered.

No word from scriptures can find rest;

You Lord are present;
it is I who am not.

So I just stay with ‘that',
my messiness,
lack of focus,
perhaps boiling from inner anxieties,
for I can be so blind to myself;
I often have no clue.

Words from scriptures roll off my soul,
so I just sit and allow them to sink in,
like water on very hard soil,
just trusting in life,
the process that we all go through,
in this desolate tract of a world.

The path you call me (us) to walk
is often hidden within a larger route;
an all encompassing tradition.

For we each pray distinctively,
meditate uniquely,
only you knowing and showing the way,
often more by unknowing and faith
than by insight and understanding.

Natural for us

Natural for us

Giving from the heart is healing.  While sharing from compulsion only adds to deeper hurt and inner turmoil.  Two sides of a coin, the tension is what leads to greater growth in love, or the seeking after control.  Control in the end is impossible, whlie growth in love is as natrual for us as the rain that comes in the spring.

Dos-e-doe

Dos-e-doe

I think life is a setup.  We often think life sucks, and of course it can and does.  In times of stress, when our problems become apparent; we can either deal with it, which can be very difficult, or we can run from it, which can be fun, at first. Then things get crazier because now there may by two problems instead of just one.... with greater suffering that come with dealing with both of them.  Of course, we can seek another out, and another, and then we can have four or five problems, or more.

People often wonder why conversion is so hard.  To die to self is arduous, to not die to self, is even more so.  The labyrinth only goes forward, though it is not a straight line by any means.   It weaves in and out, and around more than once. Close to the center and then way out, dose-e-doe away we go; take a whirl around the dance floor once again. 

You can’t stop; for to do so is just another turn, just a more passive aspect of the journey.  No rest for the weary.  Perhaps when Jesus said his burden light, it was true.  For we can create heavy burdens for ourselves, over and over again, like a dog chasing his tail but never catching it.

No bottom

No bottom

Time is like a gentle breeze hardly felt,
then we find ourselves old,
feeling young
then we look in the mirror
and see our grandparents looking back.

So we take a step each day,
do what we must,
thinking there is some permanence,
some stable point to rest,
but there is none,
for our past becomes longer,
and our memories perhaps live there.

Possibly when we die,
and we move on to the larger world,
this world, this time, our tragedies
and yes our joys,
will seem like a fading mist
from yesterday.

Will we ever understand?
Or is our journey and ever deeper seeking,
an eternal hunt
for deeper truth,
love,
and a larger drink
from the living waters?

Will we eternally dive into this mystery?
No bottom,
no ending,
just more of and deeper in?

Are we finite creatures
with an infinite ability to grow?

A time of expectation

A time of expectation

Waiting, we all do a great deal of it during our lives.  It is not always pleasant, often very annoying and yes it can be bone wearying and tedious.  Be it at airports, hospitals, doctors’ offices etc., it is often a chore to just sit and stare.  Looking at magazines often only makes it worse.   We love arrivals, when the tension of waiting is over.  You can’t have one without the other however, sort of like hot and cold.

Advent is also about waiting and I believe that the times that we sit in a space and wait for ‘something’, it can bring to mind that this is an important aspect of our lives.  When we pray, it can often seem like we are yet again, waiting, it is just on the Lord this time and we endure it, or run seeking to escape from the experience of ‘nothingness’.  We can learn that we can wait on the Lord, if we look deeply into our lives and find out we do it all the time in just about every area of our lives, we just have to, we have no choice.  In praying and waiting on the Lord we can refuse the grace filled invitation to deepen our intimacy with infinite love.

It is in our making that act of faith in the Lord that our waiting is fruitful. That gives us the courage and yes, allows us to receive the grace to simply ‘be’ in God’s presence.  Perhaps we will slowly ponder a verse from the Scriptures.  Or if Catholic or Orthodox will finger our rosaries to calm the body down, allowing the mind to focus and come alive and to draw in scattered energies.  Or looking at nature or have a calming cup of tea; it does not matter what we do if we are seeking the Lord and a deeper love and relationship that often will go beyond concepts and words.
 Advent is a time of expectation, of something that is beyond our wildest dreams, yet it can also seem boring if we do not slowly allow ourselves to sit, wait and soak in the meaning of this blessed season.  Christmas is from December 25^th to Jan 6^th.  Advent is the four weeks proceeding this Holy Day.  I think we lose a lot as Christians, when we jump into the Christmas season and its culturally driven chaos, and in the process losing the grace, peace , joy, and yes the discipline of just being, just waiting on the Lord.
 The gift giving is good, the sharing is wonderful, the parties are often healing for many, yet if that is all it is, then for those who believe that Christmas means Christ-Mass, miss out on a great deal.  Then there are those who get depressed at Christmas.  Perhaps for some it would help if they did forgo all of the above if possible, but focus on the actual meaning of it all. 

Still on the way

Still on the way 

The human heart is vast,
sensitive and temperamental,
easily offended and hurt,
easier still to withdraw
as if one were a hermit crab,
enclosed and safe in ones shell,
easier by far than living,
being open and willing.

Wounds create scabs,
needed for healing,
but when they become permanent,
deeper healing is not possible,
for the clean air of reality,
of people and the need for love
is not let in.

I have my wounds,
a lifetime of healing,
though still on the way,
perhaps the full healing
an impossibility.

Possibly that that is ok,
for it is in seeking to become open,
in spite of inner struggles
that real growth
towards full humanity
is achieved.

We are made for such things

We are made for such things

When the heart swells when music’s caress arouses,
When the sight of beauty makes one catch their breath,
When the vision of a child opens up ones heart to be loved,
When compassion arises to help a stranger,
When friends truly laugh,
When lovers truly love,
When oneness is experienced with the world,
Even if only for an instant,
We are made for such things,
For it is worship that we experience,
Living water found in the depths of a dry desert.
Beauty grabs us in guises often unexpected,
Calling our hearts to expand,
Yes it is the joy of worship,
That which is eternal, that encompasses all beauty and love,
All else transformed by its gently accepting power.
Boundaries healed,
The truth revealed about who we are,
How we are loved,
Our response is the utter joy of abandonment,
Worship.

Only now

 Today, or in ten years,
it is still only now.

A man of 95 lay dying,
he said,
where did the time go,

now I understand,
as I age
I ask the same question.

 So if I die tonight,
or 30 years from this date,
it is now, the moment,
that is all we have.

 Embrace what is,
let go of all that keeps
that a bay.

Pilgrims

Pilgrims

The train we are on can't be stopped,
even though we know what is coming,
just not the how or the when.

No brakes to slow down the journey
we pass each other from car to car,
the engine a thing no one ever sees.

Then the lights go out for a second
and some once there just a second ago,
now gone,
there seems to be no rhyme or reason,
at least as far as we can see.

What is feared is when our time comes,
when the lights go out
and when light returns,
we are gone.

Were to we go?
Does anyone care?
Will we when the lights go out?

Living deeply

 

Living deeply

Perceptions can be wrong, dangerous and life denying.  They often come from our deep past, making trust of others difficult. Or if trust broken after a new beginning, the over-reaction can often be directed at everyone and leading to closing oneself off even more.  It takes courage and trust; choices that are painful and difficult, to open up again and move forward in life.  To live fully has a price, so does being overprotective of one-self and living in isolation.  Pain is an important part of life, though one that most of us (me mostly) would like otherwise.  To become more human, life has to be embraced and to just take the next step forward may be all we can do....it is enough.  Life can be lived deeply, though it may never be fully understood.  Faith can be a difficult path to traverse for the mystery only deepens the further we go and learn to trust.

Still on the way

Still on the way

One day a friend complained that I only write about struggle, pain, loss etc.  Well I said, writing tends to focus on the more tragic aspects of life.  When we feel joy and things go well, it seems right, there is nothing to work through, though thankfulness is in order.  It is in struggle that we are forced to ponder, think and for me, as it is true for many, to seek out God's love, healing and grace.  In real life, when I am relating to others, I am sort of a clown, when I write; a different side comes to the surface.  Which is real?  Both are, just like for everyone else.  We can be complicated critters at times, but as we age and mature, I believe we can become more simple and childlike.  Have not got there yet, still on the way, no doubt till the day I die and perhaps after; I can be very slow on the uptake.

Uphill climb

Uphill climb

I have come to the conclusion that there are aspects of myself that will always be a tad wild and out of control.  Over long years of hit and miss I have come to the realization that all I can do is love those little devils and stop fighting them.  I just offer them to the Lord and they seem to quiet down a bit.  I suppose we all have thorns in our side that keeps us seeking inner balance.  Maybe they are needed.  There are times when I panic, then I look to the Lord and say, well here I go again, glad I can offer this to you. Whatever is good comes from you, your gift to me, well, all I have to offer is my struggle, inner pain, and my unbelief and doubt....and to my surprise, always, you take them and heal me just a little more.  Trust is getting easier, though still an uphill climb.

Why would they

Why would they

 People, who are at peace with themselves and know themselves, don't need to gossip, why would they?  The more I am aware of my own inner struggles and failures, the less I need to look down on others, since I know that they are mirrors of my inner world, though perhaps hidden in the hidden ocean we call the unconscious.  Seeing something in another may be true, it is in the harshness of the judgment that we get into trouble....for we are judging ourselves I believe.  We live in a hall of mirrors, others show us our reflections.  The less we know of ourselves the more distorted the image.  In any case it is a life long process and in the end, only Jesus (speaking as a Christian of course) can give us the courage to move into those inner dark rooms, where he is there waiting, patiently and with love

.

The splinter

The splinter

Gossip is so common and is so easily done that those who do it (myself of course included) don't understand the evil that is committed towards others, until of course they are the victims.  We are all powerless before back stabbing, gossip and talk that can ruin us.  Evil said spreads easily, it can't be stopped.... it is to entertaining for the ears to hear and gives the drug of being self righteous.  All my life I have struggled with my tendency to let loose about someone, at times I am able to stop, at other times to my shame I fail. 

It is funny how easily I can look around the log in my own eye and see the tiny splinter in the eye of another.

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They are many (thanksgiving)

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They are many
(thanksgiving)

As I get older, and time goes by even faster (I will be 64 next week), I have come to understand that each moment is precious, even the painful ones. For all things pass, but the thing that stays for the whole journey, that heals, is the love I seek to develop.  As well as the kindnesses that others do for me, and my ability to let go of all that impedes me on my road, to ever greater and deeper inner freedom.  We each have a path. As a Christian, I believe it is trust and the choice to trust, in spite of all that points to the contrary that is the path that leads to the death to self that Jesus calls us to.  Love of self at least for me is still a struggle, yet the burden of self doubt and self contempt lessens as I age. One day I believe the Lord will fulfill his mission in my heart, as well as in all hearts, of all those who seek love and truth.

Thanksgiving is just a call to grow deeper into love, gratitude and the understanding that this is the seed that allows the soul to soar, even if life at times is rough, painful and makes no sense.  I think most of us will find ourselves there at different times in our lives.  The most amazing people I have met are those who have gone through the roughest times and come out filled with love, hope and trust.  They have sweat blood and come out intact.  They are healers of others, people of deep compassion and understanding….they are many and all around us, often not knowing the gifts they bring to others, yet healers they are.

Bubba (we all look alike)

Bubba

When you are 'older', a tad overweight, and bald on top, long beard and a pony tail, well you know the saying, we all look alike.  There are a couple of men here in Conyers who seem to look just like me, or enough to be mistaken for them.  One is named "bubba", not an uncommon name in Georgia and I think he is a carpenter; the other man is named John and a motorcycle fixer upper.  It kind of makes me nervous at times.  You never know, one of them could be my evil twin.  One day I was coming out of Wal-Mart, and this lady runs up to me and gives me a hug and says:  "Bubba where have you been, have not seen you in weeks".  Then she saw that my eyes were blue and got red and said she was so sorry, but insisted I looked just like "Bubba".  I kept looking for the candid camera crew to pop out.  With John I have also been approached a couple of time.  One time was not too pleasant.  I think John owed someone some money.  So now when I am in town, and I see someone approaching me with that look of finding a long lost friend, or someone who may owe them money, I raise my had, give them my best smile and say:  “I am not a carpenter and I don't fix motor bikes and my name is not John or Bubba".  That stops them in their tracks and they say sorry and continue on their way.   This had not happened for a few years, and then last week someone approached me about me fixing their bike again.  After I explained that I had the mechanical ability of a rat on cocaine, he laughed and went on his way.  Yeah, we all look alike, makes me feel part of something greater than myself that can bite.

Our response

Our response

There are many obstacles that have to be faced in order for growth and healing to occur.  My own background is both a help and a hindrance, for all of my strengths come from it as well as weaknesses’.  Failures can be an important part of the journey for they are what lead to greater self knowledge along with the necessity to develop patience towards the slow often laborious process the spiritual path is about.  Not too many shortcuts, if any. 

It is about one step at a time, getting up when needed, along with self forgiveness and a form of stubbornness that will not allow leaving the path, or the call of grace.  It is not about good feelings, though they can be helpful, but about dealing with those times of life that wake us up and push the process of making choices based on what we believe to be right, or to give up and seek to escape the  endeavor that I believe that life is all about.  It can seem easier to leave the path, but in reality it is not. 

St. Paul uses the simile of running a race and the need for stamina, which is built up over time and use.  Things are not what they seem.  Our lives and choices are important, for they have a deeper and wider affect that most realized.  Seeking, striving and the search for truth are I believe a response to a call that comes from the very center of our being. 

To run from this process invites chaos and death into our lives, both inner and outer….we choose, to walk a path towards truth is to break away from the deep often unconscious influence of whatever time and culture we live in.  Waking up can be a painful journey, but one we are called to.  In any case, our individual deaths will be ‘the’ wake up call, for then all truth will be revealed and the seed that is our death will bring forth the fruit of our lives.  Whatever fruit we bring forth will be what was truly chosen and freely lived out.  Each path has its price and sufferings along the way.  One leads to the open mystery of reality, the other to and ever smaller world consisting of only the ‘self’ imprisoned in an narcissistic prison that is self made.  The fruit of ones life is seen only by God, none can judge the deep center of another, though we try and I believe we always fail.

To continue

An open heart,
one that seeks
is a choice,
though the journey dark
filled with both joy and pain.

The path often hidden,
walking over the void.

To continue is an act of faith,
allowing the heart to expand
into infinity.

An event that was a tad frustrating

An event that was a tad frustrating

One day, I was on a long trip and decided to get me a Coke and some peanuts when I was getting some gas for the car.  So I got the gas, my snack and pulled over to a shady spot to relax for a few minutes.  I got one of those little bags of nuts, Planters I guess it was and smiling tried to open the bag from the top.  So I tried one side and then the other, nothing.  So I decided to turn it over still smiling, still nothing.  Ah Ha I said, I need to pull it open by pulling the seam apart that is on the back side of the bag.  Still attempting to smile I tried that and almost gave myself a hernia trying to pull it open.  By this time I was breathing hard and my face was probably beat red.  So I put back my head and said out loud, "I can't believe I can't open a simple bag of peanuts".  Then I noticed a tap on my window and nice looking woman about my age was standing there smiling at me as if she understood my little problem. 

So I sheepishly opened my window.  She looked at me, my bag of peanuts and asked me to hand the bag to her.  So I did, curious on what she was going to do.  The way I was feeling, frustration is not close; she could have thrown them on the ground and danced a gig and I would have probably joined her. Laughing like a mad man all the while.  .  No, instead she reached into her bag and brought out a Swiss army knife, opened the part where there was a little pair of scissors and with a flourish opened the bag for me.  I laughed and thanked her.  She said, no, thank you.  I have had this knife for years and have never found a use for it, now that I have used it, my husband can kiss my butt (she used another descriptive phrase); he keeps telling me that my knife is useless, now I can say it is not.  Hmmmm I thought, not going there.  So I thanked her and we parted and I continued my journey.  One little bag, bested by a bag of peanuts, I am sure it will happen again.  Need a Swiss army knife.  

The hearts longing

The hearts longing

Love, the desire for union and also the suffering that flows from this longing, is often spoken of as centered in the heart.   The heart does respond to human emotions in a powerful way, be it from love, hatred, anger or fear.  Often when someone is under great emotional stress, the heart is often felt as a pounding against the rib cage.  However, it is the area of relationships that the heart is meant, when speaking in terms of the heart being broken or wounded and in need of healing. 

When in my early twenties, I would say I was either 22 or 23, there came a time when I actually felt like my heart was an abyss of pain and darkness; it felt like an untended, sore, oozing infection.  I felt a great deal of pain in my chest area, a great weight actually in which I could not alleviate in any way.  If I tried to find some surcease it only made the pain worse, so I learned from experience that it was best to simply sit with it, though it was of course very difficult; I simply had no choice.  I would often just sit, praying and looking into this abyss wondering what was going and if there was anything I could do about it.  Slowly over the years healing has come, though there is still more that needs to be done.  The deep inner abyss, at least as felt in the heart area is now longer there, nor the pressure or great weight.  I would suppose it was the search for love and union that was the cause of this pain.  I think it started after I had an inner ‘vision’ (a natural event for I have a very intense inner life), in this experience I saw myself (I was an outside observer) at the bottom of a stair case looking up towards the top of the stairs, which were quite wide and steep, at the entrance was a door made of bone, very white and on the sides there were large teeth that would interlock if the gate closed.  The only thing I can say is that I was given the choice to keep the gate open or to allow it to close in on me forever.  I chose life and so the gate remained open.  It was soon after that that I began to experience this specific kind of pain that had no physical cause. So I guess my saying ‘yes’, was in some way giving permission for this to emerge So if the heart is the gate way to love and union, it is also the portal that allows all that needs healing or blocks that union to be felt, seen and healed.  This is of course a common human experience, though how one expresses this human condition will vary from person to person. There are many artists who deal with this in their songs.   The hearts search for the living water that will quench its thirst.  In the Old Testament, the “Song of Songs” also deals with this longing in deeply sexual and sensual terms.  Yet it is about our relationship with God and God’s relationship with us. 

I suppose that one of the ways that people seek to escape this kind of pain is to shut down, but that comes with a heavy price.  Some deal with this existential problem through addictions, which gives some temporary respite but in the end only increases suffering. For I believe that mankind being made in the image of God is made to love and for love and all that gets in the way of that has to be pruned or burned away.  John of the Cross talks about this in his book “The dark night of the soul” and it seems that for most people this is an experience that has to be gone through if healing is to be attained.  If healing is forestalled then an endless cycle of pain, confusion and despair may have to be gone through over and over again.  The death to self that is needed in order to experience a broader existence cannot be sidestepped.  Just ask any good and loving parent when they have children.  The love of a parent for his or her child can be very painful and healing at the same time.  For the child needs must come first, theirs second.  Parents who cannot feel this, need to be pitied and not condemned, for often through no fault of their own they are incapable of this kind of relationship……though grace, at least according to my faith is always at work.

In welcoming people into his kingdom, in the Last Judgment scene in the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus surprised many by saying they will be welcomed because they visited him in prison, fed and clothed him and took care of him when ill.  This is a very interesting part of the New Testament that is often overlooked or passed by.  Again it is all about the heart and how it loves.  Not as a work, but as something that flows from the heart in concern for those outside ones tribe or circle; it is an expression of ones inner self and also about their relationship with God, even if it is perhaps unconscious.  There are people who as they grow, their heart expands and they see beauty in the lowly, the despised, the forgotten and those in prison.  Those who often don’t have a tribe or a place to rest their heads; they are often homeless and bereft of comfort and support and are not overlooked by a loving heart that is healed and guided by grace. 

There is faith, hope and charity.  Charity is the greatest for it is the one virtue that will survive death, the rest die here, no longer needed, at least as far as this experience in life is concerned.  Jesus did say “It is not those who say Lord, Lord, who will enter the gates of heaven, but those who do the will of the Father”.  Which seems to be to love one another, not in some pious sentimental way, but in a down to earth, sweating blood sort of thing, real and rooted in reality, with the courage not to seek escape through contempt, hatred and anger toward those outside ones tribe, religion, or country.  Faith is not the crutch, for it leads to the cross, the ability to love in spite of the pain of others or even rejection.  This is the work of grace. 

I fail, when I forget the above.  When I fear to truly see those before me as another self, also as one beloved by God and made in God’s image and likeness.  The problem I think is when we make God into our image and likeness, which happens, for idols still abound both within and without.  Yet we are each the beloved of God, hard as that is to see at times.  The intimacy that God has with each of us, something that the Christian faith teaches, is that God in Christ bears our pain, our shame and suffering and also our inner alienation and our feeling of being cut of from God and one another. 

God’s power is love, man’s power is to control, objectify and use.  The subject disappears and all that is left is a thing, less than human, that can be sold as a slave, abused in the sex trade or to simply be one of the populace to be manipulated to spend ones money on what is not needed.   Blindness to the subjectivity of the other brings forth bitter fruit that actually seems to be getting worse as the world grows weary and ages.  

Those in power are there because they want it, crave it and will often do anything to get to the top.  The will-to-power trumps over love every time, hence the corruption both in religion and politics.  I have no answer, except from what I have learned from my own inner experience and also experiences that are shared by many others.  The ability to love comes about by being open to grace and to the pain that has to be gotten through to have a more expansive heart for others and by that I mean those ‘outside’.  Outsiders are less than human, easy to feel contempt for and even easier to enslave and kill.  To love ones family and friends is truly a wonderful thing but it is not what Christ is calling those who follow him to. Love of family is for most a given, natural, good and healing.  It is also natural to hate and despise those outside.  Christ is found in those outside, for the heart has to expand in order to do that.  This is grace at work, something freely given to all who seek, knock and strive to grow in love and compassion.

All human striving towards compassion and love is in actuality a response to an invitation that is offered to all.  Each will respond uniquely, some will not, the fate of each in the hand of a loving and compassionate God, whose love, which is infinite, can often be experienced or seen as cruel. 

I feel that mankind is caught in a web of its own making, bound with tight strong threads that show its self in how our cultures actually work in spite of our high ideals.  Only grace can cut those cords, allowing each of us to allow Christ love to enter the world through each one of us. 

Truly human

Truly human

Being human, truly human, is an enterprise that I believe we are all on.  There are cultural customs that will often stop this process, or slow it down considerably.  We are like rough pieces of furniture, unvarnished, waiting for the finishing touches to be applied so that we can be what we were made to be.  How do we fail?  All that is needed is to look at any cultural throughout history, or religion, or philosophy and yes ideologies, to see how easy it is to fail.  They seem to need to have an ‘us’ and a ‘them’.  Today that seems to be getting worse.  Even the New Atheism that is purported to bring some rationality to mankind is turning into just another ideology that separates us even further; they are after all ‘brights’, which makes the rest of us ‘dims’ I suppose.  There seems to be no end to it.

There are people with whom I have met who show the way.  They have something about them that invites openness and trust.  They listen, seek to understand and do not think they have to change others.  Though they may have deep roots in a religion, or other system of belief, to which they hold to with their whole heart, mind and soul.  They are not threatened by other people’s paths, but seek to learn from them, and to also impart some of their wisdom.   These persons are often quiet and will not share their insights unless they are asked; such is their respect for others.  They do not need to write about themselves or their struggles, they just ‘are’.

They are this way because they know themselves, their struggles and also they have no illusions on what they are capable of if they ever lose their way.  They know this about themselves and because of this, they are accepting of others, loving and compassionate when they fail or fall away.  They are in touch with reality and are not brittle when it comes to experiencing the fear, pain and darkness in others.  They stay with their group, their religion or ideology and seek to transform it from inside, instead of leaving and become angry and self righteous.  They can’t because they know themselves.

There are of course times when leaving a group is necessary, the problem is in knowing when it is right to do so, or not.  Each has to discern that on their own.

They have humility, a virtue that is often mocked and ridiculed, that is until they meet one of these people; which are more numerous than one would think.  I am still on the way and have not yet reached that place, perhaps I never will, but when I meet people like this it gives me hope and a deeper trust in God’s love for all of us.  We can be lights for another, instead of becoming nags.  My inner nag is still alive and kicking, but I have learned to no longer hate that part of me, it is a very young part, trying to make me believe in its immature rantings.  I have found loving that parts of me, more helpful than trying to repress it, or treat it as some kind of demon within my soul.  It is a wound, one that is healing…..perhaps we are all like that, slowly healing hopefully as we mature and move toward the event that will encapsulates our whole lives which is of course our death.

The more we know ourselves; to face our inner light and darkness without running away, the more we understand others as well…..this leads to mercy and love, for ourselves and others.  To know all, is to forgive all.  If we try to live the quote below, there will be little time to looking down and judging others…it is a hard struggle, at least for me and my failures to do deter me from my endeavor to grow in the love of God and others.

(13 Cor 4-13)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child; I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When you sing God laughs with joy

Tonight William was singing softly as we put him to bed.  Peaceful and happy this nice evening.  When he sings I like to say to him: 

"William when you sing God laughs with joy"

Sometimes when I say that this eyes open up amazed and he sings louder.  I think it is his way of praying now.  Sometimes he cries when he sings, almost a wail, at others, he laughs, then there are the days like tonight, when his singing is peaceful and simply lovely.

A man selling homemade leather key chains

A man selling homemade leather key chains

 As I was returning home from my stay in the Bargetown area in Kentucky, I remembered that in Bowling Green they have a White Castle restaurant.  I lived my first ten years in St. Louis and so have a special affection for these hamburgers and as far as I can ascertain, there are no restaurants in Georgia.  So I pulled off to have my lunch.  As I was eating I noticed a man about my age coming into the restaurant.  He had on camouflage slacks and a grey sweater, so I thought he may be a veteran and went back to my meal.

As I was leaving and just getting into my car, I heard someone call out “Sir” twice.  So I turned and there was the same individual sitting by the entrance.  So I went over to see what he wanted.  He had some leather key chains in his hands, quite a few of them and home made from the look of them.  It was then I realized that he was most likely homeless.  I asked him what he wanted.  He wanted to know if I would mind buying some of the leather key chains. 
“Hi” I responded, my name is Mark, what is yours?  He replied “Martin”.  As we talked I discovered that he has been homeless for a long time.  I asked him about how he gets by in the cold and he responded that he was used to sleeping out in the winter and it did not bother him.   I was impressed at how neat he was. I guess that took time and discipline everyday to make him self presentable to others.   I gave him enough for four key chains and he thanked me profusely.  I stayed for a few minutes and asked if he goes to the VA.  He was in the military about the same time I was.  He was in from 66-70, while I was in 67-71.  He responded in the negative and went into a gentle rant about the VA and how they refused to take care of him.   Now I have been going to the VA for many years and while it is not a perfect organization, I know for a fact that those who work there treat everyone with gentle consideration…often in very stressful situations.  The more he talked the more I believed that he suffered from some kind of mental condition and just listened.  After a few more minutes I said I had to be going and wished him well.  He thanked me for buying four of his bracelets since the last two days he only sold two. 
Communication is difficult in the best of times and when someone has even a slight mental condition the process of trying to listen and to feel listened to, only gets more complicated.  Even in so called ‘normal’ people, those who are on different sides of the fence can seem ‘mental’ to the other side.  I have been called by some militant atheist crazy and mentally ill because of my faith.  To tell you the truth, when I hear some of them talk, I am sorry to say I often think the same about them.  Such is our human situation|. 
The veteran I talked to, if indeed he had some kind of mental condition, was intelligent enough to cover it up.  However it is in a prolonged conversation that the ability to communicate becomes more difficult.  I am sorry I did not have more time to converse with him; if I did perhaps my assessment of him would have changed.   What worries me is there so many like him on the street who don’t seek help because they may not want it.  He did have pride of appearance which says a lot about him I believe.  He did not seem be in any kind of addiction, which no doubt works in his favor.  I suppose I will never forget him, nor should I. 
People in the situation he is in did not plan it and one day that man could be me….life has lots of twist and turns that is for sure.  Quite a journey for most of us, so I think compassion is in order when we met others on the way. 

Rowing the same boat

Rowing the same boat

My spiritual path is shown me by the cycles that I go through in my life.  Being a Christian, that will dictate certain avenues that I can travel and other routes that need to be avoided.  Failures and successes are equal, if the journey is continued and I don’t simply give up in frustration and despair; which is a form of self-hatred, after a significant set back on my journey towards God.

Each person has a unique path, yet also similar because of our shared humanity.  I have found that one way for me to deal with my own inner chaos and pain, is to understand that there are many who are going through the same thing I am experiencing.  In understanding this, I no longer feel “my terminal uniqueness”, no, I find that I belong to a large community of brothers and sister who like me, struggle, fall and get up again.   In this commonality, compassion and empathy arises and judgments cease to carry the power they once did.  Self knowledge that leads to self love also deepens ones respect, insight and love for others.

I am called to love of self.  I can’t truly love others until I learn this lesson.  When the darkness swoops down, and my own inner alienation is strongest, it is then that I refuse to believe that I am only ‘that’, but much more.  Our relationship with the Transcendent will slowly lead to healing; at least that is my experience.

So now when I pray, or mediate, there is always something to pray about, along with others who struggle the way I do….and when I meditate, I do so to become one in silence before God, with all who are rowing the same boat.

(Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. ²⁴ Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. ²⁵ The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”²⁶ He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.

²⁷ The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!)

(Matt 8: 23-27)

To to seen

To be seen

I was walking through the retreat house last week, on my way to see Pattie at the front office.  As I was passing the dinning area, a man raised his hand to get my attention; so I waited as he came in my direction.  He said he needed to take to me for a few minutes if I had the time.  I did have the time, so we went into one of the waiting rooms there to talk.
 He was struggling with some deep seated issues and needed some input.  I always get a little nervous when a stranger comes up to me and wants help…. but I have found all I need to do is listen, and sometimes something comes up and I can talk to him a bit.  His problem was serious, and included a great deal of anger along with some deep seated sadness, which he has carried with him for years.  Though he did say there was some movement forward, but so slow that he was getting discouraged. 

At first I really did not know what to say, his journey was like so many others, mine included, that there was nothing to say really.  Then the thought came up about what I consider Christianities great gift to the world.  I believe that the Spirit of God has been working all through our history and that all religions and philosophies, those that are life giving have been the fruit of the Holy Spirits work in the world.  So I asked him about his spiritual practice.  He mentioned that he mediated a lot.  I then asked him what his beliefs or his understanding of ultimate reality was.  He started talking about a force that is responsible for reality, but that it had nothing to do with his life or struggles.  Since this is a Christian place, I felt comfortable with sharing some of my ideas about the spiritual life with him, and how I believe it has expedited my healing; slow as that at times seems to be.

I did mention that in Buddhism (well the little that I know and understand), which is said to be atheistic, did have a system wherein compassion played a big part on the journey of each person.  The atheism that is said to be part of Buddhism looks nothing like the atheism of the West, which believes in no system wherein growth or eventual libration for the individual is possible.    There is only this life, then extinction, and eventually death for everything.  The extinction mentioned by the Buddha seems to point to the blowing out of desires that are illusionary and only cause great suffering because they are out of touch with ultimate reality and keep the person back from attaining liberation.  In other words, there is an aspect of ‘being seen and known’ in Buddhism.  Its ultimate goal seems to be different from that of my own faith; but the more I ponder and study, the less I am sure of that.  I swear the more I try to understand the less I do. 

Then I went on about Christianity, which has a very personal understanding of God’s relationship with us.  In our pain, confusion and struggles we are accompanied by infinite love.  The revelation of Jesus Christ points to a personal relationship, like that of a loving parent (a powerful metaphor for sure), that actually takes on our pain as we are journeyed with.  All is seen, all dark rooms are in reality filled with light, so when meditating or praying, there is a process of ever deeper revelation about oneself that does not need to be feared.  I went on about the story of the Samaritan woman at the well, who had a very difficult life, scorned by all and in relationship that were possibly self-destructive.  She was ‘seen’ by Jesus, accepted and loved and in that reality came healing.  Not only for herself but for her town as well….for they all came to see Jesus and seemed to experience this being ‘seen’ and loved as well.

So I asked to try something.  To address ultimate reality as personal, for since our deepest reality is to be seen and loved and that we are made in the image and likeness of God, then our desire for love and our ability to show (even if it is often poorly done) points to a deep truth about God.  He seemed intrigued and said he will try to do what I ask.  So we parted, not being sure if what I told him was helpful, but he is now in my prayers and a part of my life.  Each meeting leaves a seed; we help each other along the way.  I believe we need to strive to be present to others, as we desire others to be present to us…..to see as we desire to be seen.