Two ways

Two ways

There always seems to be two ways in dealing with personal problems, both those in the present or those flowing from the past. Though it can be said that most of our problems (of the personal relational sort), in fact do flow from our past. So they are connected, even if hidden from consciousness. Of the two divergent ways that can be chosen, each have their own problems and set backs, at least in how they are experienced in our day to day interactions with others.

We can blame, or take responsibility for our 'issues' (as they are often called today). It is a paradox. If someone knows for instance that they are struggling with deep emotional issues and try to deal with them, it is possible that those around them will never know their struggle for integration. There is not for them what is called 'leaking', for the material being dealt with is not unconscious. However if the individual is not conscious, everyone around him will know exactly what is not being dealt with. Those who gossip for instance insistently; well it is obvious that more often than not, suffer from envy, but they themselves may not be aware of what they are projecting for the whole world to see. In doing so, life for others, those gossiped against can be made difficult. The same can be said for those who are not aware of how much anger they are carrying, which again is seen by everyone else. Also people tend to gather with those who have the same struggles and join forces and also fight one another, seeing in the other their own struggles and failures. The more we struggle within unconsciously, the more difficult our relationships with others. It is not a pleasant place to be, since we in reality encounter ourselves in those around us, because we lack insight into what is driving our actions. Blind spots are almost impossible to deal with. I certainly have them, but because they are indeed 'blind spots" I can't really deal with them.

To be conscious can save one a lot of pain and trouble of a certain sort, giving freedom from the endless cycles that many have to go through, until they learn to take responsibility for the chaos in their lives. However the experience of knowing ones inner pain and struggle can also be very difficult and exhausting. I think the vast majority of people fall somewhere in the middle, so progress can be made as one matures, a life long process, hopefully. Humility is not a virtue for the weak, it is not a pretending over one being useless, it is not self pity, it is not self contempt.... no it is based on truth and it brings with it the freedom of being able to admit weakness and failure and actually learn from them. Something that can't be learned if blame is placed on others. A healthy ego is needed for humility to grow and also from my own experience, a deep faith and trust in God.

When I fail to take responsibility, I have to erect high walls of defense, which takes a great deal of energy and only increases the difficulty in any kind of real communication being able to take place. Blame is easy, though in the end is actually quite a burden, since it only leads to emotional and often personal isolation. Relationships take a give and take, blame destroys that. In the end it is all about not allowing fear to take the front seat. We desire to be truly seen, but that can also be a great source of anxiety...."what will they think"? Well.....probably nothing....while unique, we all share a common humanity and our skeletons pretty much look alike. Those who are conscious of their inner world find it easier (if not actually easy) to forgive and be tolerant of human weakness, for they see themselves in others, not as a projection, but what is actually shared, so empathy and compassion are possible and again if not always easy.

I think Carl Jung says it best. This is a paraphrase: “Insight does not make life easier, but can spare those who have it a lot of pain and endless cycles of suffering”. The inner barbs that we have, goad us into making choices and that can lead to either growth or devolution. The human heart is not all sweetness and light, nor is it all corruption, but if there is some kind of cosmic battle between good and evil, it is there where it is played out. A sense of sin can be liberating, since in order to sin there has to be freedom and in that are the seeds of personal liberation and an opening for grace.