Paradox seems to rule

Paradox seems to rule

I think we get it backwards,

well perhaps it is I who does,

for in the inner life

paradox seems to rule,

and its fruits show in our lives.

To cling is to lose,

to seek to force our way

is to be defeated in the end.

Control or the attempt

to hedge in those we love,

ends in defeat in one form or another,

and violence and revenge,lead to further destruction.

There is a death we are called to,

a way that is not obvious,Yet those who take it

experience fuller life

and deeper joy

than they once thought possible.

Trepidation

Trepidation

               

               
                Fear as a strategy can work in the short run, but it never seems good for planning anything long term. I remember when in high school taking driver’s education. They would show us films with all kinds of gory titles. One of them I think was call “mechanized death”, that would show all the gruesome details of the aftermath of a serious car accident. They would also add some story line in some of the films to show what led up to the accident. The films did leave a cold feeling in the feeling of my stomach, yet over time, at most a few days it faded. I doubt that it made that big of an impression on me. For in the day to day world, denial is the name of the game, and perhaps it is a good thing much of the time, for who could drive with the knowledge of what could easily happen constantly before ones mind. There are people like that and they become overly cautious, which is just as dangerous as reckless driving.
               
                What stayed with me over the long haul was what my dad taught when he was teaching me to drive. He would state it over and over again when he would take me out driving. “Be a defensive driver, always watch out for the other guy, be observant and alert at all times. Do not be an offensive driver, it only adds to stress and leads to accidents”. This stuck with me. It was based on common sense with little fear in the mix. I still adhere to these lessons and a couple of times they have saved my life. While the blood and guts films are just a faded memory that illicit no response from me; in this I do not think I am unique. This does not mean of course that one day I will not get into a serious or even a fatal accident, yet the chances lessen considerably when driving defensively.
               
                The same goes for any kind of relationship that is worth anything. Fear does not cut it; it only leads to resentment and hatred in the end, or in some cases to apathy. For who needs a relationship that is based on that? Better to fight back or withdraw. Parents who use a great deal of fear in relating to their children lose them in the long run. Trust and fear cannot live in the same room, two different energies entirely.
               
                Religion is important; it allows a structure in which someone can live out their spiritual journey. While healthy religion can lead to deep spirituality that only matures and expands as one ages and grows, leading to deeper freedom and trust in life’s process. The opposite is true when religion becomes unhealthy and fear based. It will either drive people away, or if not, lead them down a path of great suffering and a fear of life and its mysteries. Religion is about structure, rules, worship, which is good, but it is only a covering for the deeper relationship that is forged with God.
               
                For a Christian, love and trust are the heart of the path that we are called to walk. Something very difficult for many, since years of being brain-washed have to be overcome. God is often an invisible idol that rules rough shod over those under this idols governess. It take courage, self knowledge and a conscious choice to move out of limiting fear based indoctrination, to a faith based on personal experience of God’s abiding love and presence. For many this comes after years of struggle, but in the end the idol is overthrown and the joy breaks through.
               
                The sun falls on the good and the evil, life happens to us all, being a good Christian, or Jew, Hindu or whatever will not protect anyone from the ups and downs of life. God is, life is, we are, and we are pilgrims on a rough journey with only one ending for us all. How we react to this reality is probably one of the most important turns in the road we can make. Learning to trust is a hard process to endure, for it is a choice, perhaps having to be made many times, until the time comes when it become a deeply ingrained way of life. Many never reach this point. I have not, but the journey is more than worth it. It is not about easy answers, but about facing life and living it as fully as possible in ways that deepen love of others expressed through compassion and empathy.

Eulogy for Br. William

Eulogy for Br. William

The first thing I noticed about William when I first met him, was his transparency, his openness and lack of being concerned about how he impressed me or others. 

I also became aware of his gift of prayer, one that could go by unnoticed, since it was such a central part of who he was, that he carried this lightly without any fuss.  There was never any fanfare, or outward show with him.  He just prayed.  When I worked in the retreat house in the early 90’s, I would often have to go through the church as I went back and forth throughout the day.  On many occasions, like on a feast day, or a Sunday, he would spend hours just sitting quietly in church.  There were times when he actually never seemed to leave.  Just sitting, being in the presence of God.  I would think he could do this because just as he was ‘his-self’ with others, he did the same with his relationship with Jesus Christ. 

Perhaps because he was so transparent and did not even think about being other than whom he was, he did not carry the veneer of sophistication to hide anything within.  Because of that reality, his lack of pretense, he could be at times a problem for some. 

He was not perfect. He could be moody; he did have a temper, which he expressed openly.  He would not follow the rules that govern many of us, and I loved that about him.  Yes, we did have our run-ins.  Yet I loved William right off, had the highest respect for him, and in reality, never wanted him to change. 

For after all he was ‘his-self’, and it was like a refreshing drink of the purest spring water for me to be around him….that never changed over the years. Even when he was ill and did not know who I was, that inner childlike openness remained very apparent to me.  The important thing was that I knew who he was, as did all the staff in the infirmary.  When I told him that; “that we would remember for him”…. it did at times alleviate some of his anxiety, when he was aware that something was wrong.

If a soul can be thought of as a rainbow of colors, I would say that on one level William was made up of only the brightest and loudest colors, showing his light on an often dark reality.  His main color would be of the richest burgundy, with a deep forest green and his light would be like the sun at high noon, deep yellow and warm.  That was how I experienced him on a day to day level before he became ill.  However, when he prayed, when he sat quietly before God, I think a different set of colors were there for only God to see.  His honesty, his love of God and his tenderness for Christ Jesus, I am sure were of a more subtle and gentle hue, but both equally important and cherished by me.

I have journeyed with many on their last miles of life and have been at their death beds.  Each experience is unique, each monk faces that ultimate mystery differently, (as each of us here will one day do) and most do so with faith and grace.  However, in the final few days I have experienced something of the same in all of them, except William. 

I would say that the experience that I feel is happening when most are near death, is a time of inner waiting, of sorting things out, and not moving on until that is accomplished.  Perhaps it feels like waiting to get on a plane, wanting to so badly to get to ones destination, but the flight is being held back for an indefinite time.  I guess we all understand that experience.  A feeling of frustration, perhaps boredom, and yes, also pain.  That is what I feel, or experience when sitting at the bed of one who is dying.  With William that was missing.  He was at peace, there was waiting, but I sensed that he was content, open, and totally unafraid of what was coming because of his transparent relationship with others, as well on a deeper level with God.  I was grateful to have experienced this, since as I said above, he was a truly transparent, childlike man of God.  He knew his need of grace and mercy, and made no bones about it.  When he died, there was absolutely no struggle, just a gentle last breath coming from a man who knew himself, and trusted in God’s love for him. 
Rose and I have traveled a long way with William, as has Beatrice, Stella and Jesse.  Each of these women brought a special something to William and he noticed the difference.  He loved Beatrice’s gentleness, Stella’s laugh and Jesse gentle silence.  He was thankful for Roses deep caring as a caregiver and I want to publicly thank them for their loving service to the community, especially on this occasion to our Br. William.

 Our final gift to others

The greatest gift we can give to another,
the final one in fact for many of us here,
is to allow others to care for us,
to  permit them to show compassion and love,
and to consent to  letting them see our best side,
as well as our inner struggles.

To fight them because we need to express our pain and frustration
and allow them to still care for us;
it is a gift that goes both ways.

For we grow by showing compassion and empathy,
and the reward of love is to simply love more,
as well as to be able to receive the love in return.

My Mom

My Mom

My mother was a beautiful woman,
Dark hair,
Eyes of blue,
With very light skin.

She was married once before she met my father,
To a man who was abusive, a drunk,
Which did not last long at all.

She was a person of strength
Who soon kicked her first husband to the curb,
I think he hit her once, that was it, she was gone,

Good for her.

She often told me that no one could hurt her feelings,
This alerted me to the fact that she was very sensitive,
So she found ways to protect herself,
Perhaps this was good, I have no way of knowing.

She was not overly emotional,
I never saw her cry
Not sure I could have taken it if I did.

However she was caring and accepting of everyone.
Our home was often full of guests of all kinds,
They were comfortable there,
Both adults and children.
She also found an orphanage that was in neglect,
That was soon taken care of, at least for awhile,
Getting many involved in taking care of the needs of the children.

My mom was from the country,
Her family not rich,
Yet as she told me, she never went without,
Never knew she was poor.

She worked in Parkmore,
A chain of restaurants in St Louis in the 40’s,
That is were my Dad first saw her,
And began to show interest.
Mom did not want much to do with him,
He was from a well to do family until the depression,
So he grew up in plenty,
Had a reputation as a ladies man,
At least from the often funny stories I heard from his family,

So he needed some help in getting my mom’s attention.
A friend of the family (another story)
Spoke up for my dad,
They dated,
Married,
And as my mother told me,
“Mark, all your dad had to do was look at me
And bam I was pregnant”;
She always laughed when she told me that.
She did have after all 11 children,

All survived except one who died soon after birth.
Whom I seem to miss more and more as time goes on,
I don’t really understand that, since I never held or saw him.

While dad was a strong man,
Like most large families it was a matriarchy,
She called the shots for the most part,
Dad was always working anyway.
We were a handful,
Which only got bigger as the years went by,
Until 1961 when the last one was born into the world.

She was a home body for the most part,
Loved to read, think, and discuss the beliefs of others.
She often challenged me in my faith,
So I used to go to the library to study,
Which deepened my understanding of my beliefs.
Like my dad, she was of a liberal bent,
I am sort of that way myself.

She did struggle with depression,
Liked to wear black,
Grey her favorite color,
Perhaps mine also.
She loved the night, a time of reading, and contemplation.
A woman of great depth who could not express herself well,
She had the picture but could not break it down,
Which caused me a great deal of frustration,
Communication often difficult in my late teens and early adulthood.

She seemed trapped in her world,
Unable to communicate on a verbal level,
My fear was I was like her in my inner perceptions,
Which is true,
So I did not want to be trapped like that,
She had so much to share, and did,
However her limitations were severe.

She so wanted me to believe the way she did,
I fought her,
Struggled to be myself,
At times said angry things to put up boundaries.
I hated this,
An adult still being a child with my mother whom I loved,
Respected,
Admired.

In 82 when she was 62 she told me that she had a year to live,
Heavy smoker,
Emphysema taking its toll,
She knew she could not quit,
Therefore had the year to work on our relationship,
I did not want any regrets about how I treated her.

So I just listened,
Grateful for all that she communicated to me.
Her wisdom was deep, her faith strong.
So for the next year I did not argue,
Just listened to her on the phone,
I called her once or twice a week.
We laughed and still disagreed,
Different however,
Looming death changes things for sure,

But as time went on the old wounds healed.

When the day came that changed the texture of the world,
I received the news in a state of numbness,
Then sorrow,
Though not extreme, since I mourned much the year before.

We all got together that very day,
All 10 of us, scattered across the country.
Some flying,
Others driving, but we all made it.

The youngest having dad wrapped around her finger
Took care of him,
The rest of the time we simply got together,
Laughed, talked, and felt at a loss.
The matriarch has died.

My mom had a hard life,
However she told me that she would do it all over again,
Such was her love for her children,
Each precious to her, though she at times had trouble expressing it,
I think she was better with the boys than with the girls,
Perhaps that is normal.
In any case she did the best she could,

Now she is at rest,
She never feared death,
Nor the thoughts of others,
Which seems to be a sort of death for some.

One of her favorite sayings,
When my dad would worry about the neighbors,

“ O for petessake who gives a shit what the neighbors think”…..

I liked that mom,
Thanks for teaching me that lesson.
I don’t know how my brothers and sisters experienced you,
Each has a story,
But you, like dad, were loved and cherished.
So at 63 you left us bereft,
Yet we still had Dad,
Now that he is gone we have each other,
Hopefully as the years fly by we will deepen our love for one another,
Not taking each other for granted,
That as one by one we also pass on,
Regrets will not be severe,
Not letting the things of life,
The hurts and misunderstandings get in the way of what is important,
That in spite of it all, we do love one another.

Lady in the red coat

Lady in the red coat
(an experience I had 43 years ago and have not forgotten)

It is funny how a chance meeting with someone, be it a man or woman, will stay with you for years after the encounter. I think this happens (at least to me) because these people represent some kind of archetypal situation that is common to the human condition; so I react from a deep level that stays with me for a lifetime.

I remember in 1970 I was in the Miami airport, in the Navy, with a lot of time on my hands and with very little money. I had a 9 hour lay over and was just walking around the airport people watching, something I love to do at airports. I guess at that age, I was 20 I did not have the inner resources to just sit and read or simply pray. In any case I walked past a solider who was on the phone, he saw me and waved me over. After he hung up, and were talking, we found that we were waiting for the same plane out. He had an idea to hitchhike to the city to kill time. I thought it was better than hanging around the airport; so off we went.

We got into the city and went into a bar for a drink. While there, we both noticed a man and woman were having an argument over something. I did not pay much attention, and with my new found friend we listened to the Jazz band that was playing. After a couple of hours we decided to hitchhike back to the airport, since it was getting late, and we were worried we might not be able to get a ride back.

We left and were walking towards the Inter-State, when we noticed the woman from the bar. She was very pretty, and dressed in a long red coat that reached down to her ankles. She looked stunned, and was just wandering around the block, which by the way was not in the best part of town. My new found friend and I become worried for her, and went over to see if we could help. We went slowly, so as not to frighten her, since we were strangers. Her face was streaked with tears, and she looked liked she was sucker punched, dazed and not seeming to care that she was in a dangerous part of the city. I asked her if there was anything we could do for her. Call her a cab, or perhaps walk her to her car, if she had one nearby. She just looked at us, and told us that there was nothing we could do for her, and to please leave her alone. She was not rude about it, but just telling us in a very matter of fact way. I did not want to leave her but really we had no choice, she did not want help.

We continued our journey to the airport, it took us three hours; people even back then were afraid to pick people up.

That woman, her sorrow, her shock, and her not wanting any help has never left me. For years after this event I would often see her face when I was praying, or in meditation. It would come unannounced and I would often pray for her and for all those like her. I think she did represent for me the plight of many people who are used, and put aside, alone, who seek love but never really find it. I often wonder were she is, if she is ok, and more importantly if she found someone who would give her the love that she so desired. One person can be a symbol, a sign that points to the existential plight of mankind, and how we often knowingly or unknowingly or the cause of that plight. A simple act of kindness or cruelty can have repercussions that can last a lifetime. I suppose all of our actions are like seeds that will one day bear fruit either for good or evil.

Lunch with Leo

Lunch with Leo
(This was written in 2006, Leo died in 2010, a delightful man)

Had lunch with Leo this Wednesday, and decided to try a new place for lunch.  Probably did it more for me than for him, since I am not sure he remembers our trips, at least in a detailed manner.  He always responds positively to   the new images that he gets from his surroundings, and also likes the music that is played over the speaker system.  That day they were playing R & B tunes which he seems to enjoy very much.  As usual I had to show him how to use his straw for the tea, but he caught on fast and did alright.  As usual I ordered food that he could eat with his hands, and put the silver ware aside except for a fork.  Too many utensils confuse him, at least they do when I take him to a new place.  After we ordered our food he tried to talk to me.  One thing that came thru very strongly was his frustration about not being able to say what he wants to.  His stuttering over words, or saying words that he does not mean, is a great source of pain for him.

I know for some people it is best to be forthright with them; it works for William for instance, but I have never tried it with Leo.  So I decided to try that approach and see what happens.  If my telling him the “whys” caused him more confusion or pain I would drop it and he would soon forget it, so no harm in trying.   So I began to tell him about his Alzheimer’s and how it is the cause of his not being able to say what he wants to, also why he can’t name things like he used to do.  I also told him that his disease will not go away, but he will always be taken care of, and we will always be able to go out to lunch together.

After I made my little speech, he responded by showing me how happy he was over the explanation, and how it made him feel better.  It came out jumbled but I understood.  So I then began talking to him about his life, trying to discern if he remembered anything from his past.  I brought up his artistic ability, which I think was immense; he did metal sculpture.  He let me know that he did not remember, so I told him how much I loved his work, how his sculptures seemed to flow with it smooth edges and   caused the eyes to move upward, at least it did for me.  Described to him one of his large candelabra’s that was about six feet tall, that had the candles fastened to one piece of mental that gently wound around a center pole, and ended open at the top.  It was one of my favorite pieces.  I also told him about some of the wall sculptures that he made, also about a show he had in Philadelphia when he was a young man.  He became very excited about this knowledge and loved hearing about the part of his life that he had forgotten.

He is so much like a child now, living just in the moment, but happy none the less, and like a child he is open to the truth of the situation, even though he may know that ‘this’ moment will soon be forgotten.  I suppose I will have this talk with him every week since it will seem like the first time, but I am glad to know that he enjoys knowing about his now forgotten life.  It does not matter that he will forget, what is important is that for a few minutes he was happy before the memory sinks into the ocean of forgetfulness.

One thing that has remained stable with Leo, he was always a very gentle soul, and that remains.

A cowardly crew (Ordinary men)

A cowardly crew

(Ordinary men)

As I age and health problems continue to appear, as my once youthful strength declines and fatigue becomes my companion everyday, as I notice that my mind, while still good, is not as sharp as it used to be…you know my Lord…it is were I need to be.  It is good to grow old, seeking to love you more, to deal with my doubts and my understanding that my inner struggles are what lead me to your love and mercy and will be with me till the end. 
There is much I don’t understand my Lord, so I continue to ponder and deepen my faith and limited understanding.  To be open to your Spirit which leads me to understand that this world, my reality is not a closed affair, but wider, deeper and broader than I know, or will in fact, ever comprehend.  How is it you became one of us?  Took flesh, lived with us, healed, loved and then you were betrayed by one of your own.  Falsely accused, betrayed by those closest to you, mocked, scourged, crowned with thorns, beaten and forced to carry your cross.  You died a death associated with shame, pain filled and your followers scattered.  You died; your body emptied of its blood.  Placed in a tomb dark and cold, a stone rolled in it’s entrance and guarded….yes nothing inside but a lifeless corpse……as we will all one day be.

It should have died Lord, the movement you started, like many before yours, once the leader taken away, its followers scatter.  The apostles were just men with limited courage and they failed you, Peter denied you, his fear so great.  Only the women were there.  Well John was with them, but he was so young, perhaps the women ennobled him to go with them. 
Funny Lord, you appeared first to women, who were not considered capable of being a witness.  To those who were brave and fearless you first appeared, the men after who cowered in hiding.  No doubt your mother first of all.  Many saw you over a 40 day period; Paul speaks of the 500, of which I fear were soon overwhelmed giving their witness, of your victory over death. 
In the end, you filled them with your Spirit.  Men will die for what they believe in.  It happens all time.  I know of no one who will die for what they know is a lie.  The Apostles, cowards to the last man (John perhaps the only exception), in the end gave their lives as witness to the resurrection, they saw you, touched you and ate with you and yes embraced you. You showed only mercy, compassion and understanding.  They embraced your grace and were healed of their deep shame.

No one can own you Lord, though we try, for what you are about is still something we as Christians are called to consider, ponder and hopefully be a witness of the sort that will allow others to see your reality.  The opposite is often sadly true. 
As I age, I am aware that I very much like your Apostles when my faith falters, or I do not understand and like them I to become cowardly.  Self knowledge seems to lead to further understanding of my own inner chaos and failure and sins….which leads me back to you

That I may see

That I may see

O Lord Jesus,
I beg for mercy
like the blind men did,
seeking light
that they may see.

Such darkness I am mired in,
anger and rage,
thoughts of revenge
and harming others.

O Lord that I may see.

Beloved I am helpless,
afloat upon an inner raging sea,
trying to stay afloat
amidst my inner violence,
large waves that seek to drag me down,
enslaving me in the darkest depths,

 

O Lord that I may see

Jesus:

“My son, my beloved one,
know this,
that the deepest cavern
of your inner sea,
your darkest emotions
that rip your soul,
are all within the palm of my hand,
have no fear,
I am within,
without,
upholding you in love,
infinite,
stronger than death,

neither you,
nor anyone else,
is ever alone". 

Two ways

Two ways

There always seems to be two ways in dealing with personal problems, both those in the present or those flowing from the past. Though it can be said that most of our problems (of the personal relational sort), in fact do flow from our past. So they are connected, even if hidden from consciousness. Of the two divergent ways that can be chosen, each have their own problems and set backs, at least in how they are experienced in our day to day interactions with others.

We can blame, or take responsibility for our 'issues' (as they are often called today). It is a paradox. If someone knows for instance that they are struggling with deep emotional issues and try to deal with them, it is possible that those around them will never know their struggle for integration. There is not for them what is called 'leaking', for the material being dealt with is not unconscious. However if the individual is not conscious, everyone around him will know exactly what is not being dealt with. Those who gossip for instance insistently; well it is obvious that more often than not, suffer from envy, but they themselves may not be aware of what they are projecting for the whole world to see. In doing so, life for others, those gossiped against can be made difficult. The same can be said for those who are not aware of how much anger they are carrying, which again is seen by everyone else. Also people tend to gather with those who have the same struggles and join forces and also fight one another, seeing in the other their own struggles and failures. The more we struggle within unconsciously, the more difficult our relationships with others. It is not a pleasant place to be, since we in reality encounter ourselves in those around us, because we lack insight into what is driving our actions. Blind spots are almost impossible to deal with. I certainly have them, but because they are indeed 'blind spots" I can't really deal with them.

To be conscious can save one a lot of pain and trouble of a certain sort, giving freedom from the endless cycles that many have to go through, until they learn to take responsibility for the chaos in their lives. However the experience of knowing ones inner pain and struggle can also be very difficult and exhausting. I think the vast majority of people fall somewhere in the middle, so progress can be made as one matures, a life long process, hopefully. Humility is not a virtue for the weak, it is not a pretending over one being useless, it is not self pity, it is not self contempt.... no it is based on truth and it brings with it the freedom of being able to admit weakness and failure and actually learn from them. Something that can't be learned if blame is placed on others. A healthy ego is needed for humility to grow and also from my own experience, a deep faith and trust in God.

When I fail to take responsibility, I have to erect high walls of defense, which takes a great deal of energy and only increases the difficulty in any kind of real communication being able to take place. Blame is easy, though in the end is actually quite a burden, since it only leads to emotional and often personal isolation. Relationships take a give and take, blame destroys that. In the end it is all about not allowing fear to take the front seat. We desire to be truly seen, but that can also be a great source of anxiety...."what will they think"? Well.....probably nothing....while unique, we all share a common humanity and our skeletons pretty much look alike. Those who are conscious of their inner world find it easier (if not actually easy) to forgive and be tolerant of human weakness, for they see themselves in others, not as a projection, but what is actually shared, so empathy and compassion are possible and again if not always easy.

I think Carl Jung says it best. This is a paraphrase: “Insight does not make life easier, but can spare those who have it a lot of pain and endless cycles of suffering”. The inner barbs that we have, goad us into making choices and that can lead to either growth or devolution. The human heart is not all sweetness and light, nor is it all corruption, but if there is some kind of cosmic battle between good and evil, it is there where it is played out. A sense of sin can be liberating, since in order to sin there has to be freedom and in that are the seeds of personal liberation and an opening for grace.

Prone to violence

Prone to violence
I am a man prone to violence.  All of my life I have swam against this current, though it has often been difficult.  I understand violence; I also understand that there is a part of me that desires love, healing and peace.  I also believe that the so called cosmic war between good and evil is lived out in our own hearts and souls.  Our cultures, I believe show us this inner struggle by its structures, both good and bad.  For the outer human world is a reflection of our interiors.

I also believe that we are called to become more human, more loving... which means that our tendency towards violence needs to be dealt with in a manner that others, as well as each of us is not hurt or destroyed by our inner violence.  Many succumb; perhaps we all do in one way or another.  We are destroying our world, we destroy ourselves by our addictions and self destructive behavior....we also seek to heal our world and to seek social justice for others.  Many get help to forestall their inner fragmentation, which takes a certain amount of inner courage I believe.

Jesus came to save us from this inner hell, not to condemn.  It is grace that gives courage to go within and to take responsibility for ourselves, admit, and see healing, forgiveness and yes grace.   The new life that Jesus calls us to, I believe, is the death to this inner aspect of ourselves that seeks to dominate others and to make ourselves the center, the true north so to speak...which is at rock bottom a lie.

Gentle whisper

Gentle whisper

The reason I often fail to live out my beliefs, comes about when I stop thinking and pondering what they actually are.  We are either growing deeper in understanding, or becoming less attuned to our own souls and also the gentle whisper of the living Spirit that lives within.... who is one with us and wishes us ever fuller life. 

The words of Jesus can never be fully understood, they need to lived. The call to love is deep and the self knowledge that is needed to grow in love, comes from failure and a new beginning, over and over again.  To fail, is a call to begin anew, the pondering (prayer) that is needed to take ever deeper root, in the call of the Eternal -One.

Ideology

When ones path of any sort becomes closed,
it then becomes an ideology,
which is doomed to collapse sooner or later.

An afternoon ramble

An afternoon ramble

Green tea and a book,

on a quiet afternoon,

now that I am older

I often find myself sleeping.

I seek to pray and my mind wanders,

writing helps me to focus and be present,

allowing inner thoughts to emerge

that I did not know were there.

Are my musings true I often ask myself,

who is it that writes,

as if the words pour out of me

apart from my own cognition.

I don't know,

like helping others,

why do I do that?

Ya know,

not sure I care,

I will do it anyway.

Perhaps we are all

the second greatest mystery,

God and his love and mercy

being the greatest,

an eternal journey into the embrace.

Betrayal

Betrayal

Trust can be thorny concept and difficult for a large group of people to embrace.  I know at times I struggle with this very difficult and emotional issue.  Many have good reasons not to trust.  At some point in our lives, most of us experience some form of betrayal from friends, organizations, be it secular or religious, governmental and yes even from family.  Trust is given on loan, and if that trust is broken, it may be difficult or impossible to regain.  Trust is not unconditional; it does have to be earned and may take years to come to full maturity. 

Most likely the majority of people have failed in living up to the trust that others have put on them.  There is actual betrayal, wherein the act is thought out and used to harm another.  Then there are those times when the failure is unintentional, perhaps most of the time, causing a great deal of suffering on both sides. 

Fear of trusting can shrink ones relational world to nothing.  It is easy to do, since it is used to block out further pain, it is a form of protection that can become an armor so thick that any kind of deep sharing becomes impossible and there is only isolation.  It becomes a way of life and can often lead to a cynical world view that is masked as sophistication. 

I believe that anything that leads to overcoming this fear of pain and betrayal and allows the gates to reopen is in fact life giving and healing.  Anything that leads to the opposite is a crutch of the worst kind.  In the end, it is a choice on some level.  I believe that most people overcome the desire to run from relationships and seek to reenter the world of friendship and trust.  Even if it is tentative and may take years to heal, yet to begin the journey is also on some level to arrive at the destination. 

Sartre once said that “Hell is other people”.  This can become a self-fullfilling prophecy; for in believing that, allows it to become the tyrannical overseer of our lives.  I don’t believe that people wish to devour others in a futile attempt to fill their inner abyss.  Though this of course can happen, there are those who seem to sap up everyone’s energy when they are around. In Sartre’s play “No exit”, this is shown how it is played out.  In case you have not read the play, the story takes place in hell.  I found the last sentence in the play to be especially chilling:  “Well we may as well get started”. 
Faith in God is not a way to run from reality.  I believe it allows us to go inward and to discover that God actually exist and calls us to a deeper, fuller and more loving life.  It allows us to overcome our fears of actually growing in self knowledge and in doing so, to understand that what we fear in others and possibly condemn, is also within us.  The only bridge to forgiving acts of betrayal, is to understand how we perhaps have done it in the past as well and to see how human weakness and childish self centeredness is more often than not, at play.  This is not denying that some acts of betrayal are actually thought out and deeply evil. 

When thinking about our own failures, we may seek mercy for we experience factors in ourselves that lead to acting in ways that are unintentional, or perhaps just based on lack of experience or misunderstanding.  Even when we see how we actually did know what we were doing, we may still desire forgiveness and understanding.  Once this is understood and embraced no matter how painful this self-knowledge is, it can lead to compassion towards others.  It is easy seeking mercy for our selves and justice for others.  Harder to understand that mercy is the way to inner freedom and a loosening of the power we allow human weakness and yes human evil to have over us.  To become like those who betray, to become bitter and cynical, is actually staying under the power of that which wounded. 

Death to self is in reality a death to an inner prison, a small world that is ruled by fear and anxiety that can be manifested in many ways.  Withdrawing, bragging, putting others down through gossip or intimidation, running from commitments and simply using others are just some of the ways that in reality is a form of self protection. 

On the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus shows the way to this freedom.  It is not about non-violence and being a pacifist, but about placing the importance on how we relate to those who are before us, with those we interact with on a daily basis, one person at a time.   Each encounter asks from us a response.  One of openness or one of fear towards others; be it friend, stranger or foe. 

We can’t give trust to everyone, at least on level of friendship.  There are many that are not capable of it, and at times perhaps we all fail.  There is however a deeper form of trust and that is based on the belief that the one before us, is worthy of our attention, especially the ones we consider lowly.  I would presume we all have those people in our lives, those we meet and those with whom we work.  It is about seeing that the person overlooked or mocked, may in fact have a great deal to offer, has depth that we can’t see, or may not have the language or education to express what they believe or feel, yet none-the-less have much to share, if only we would listen and learn to see on a different level.
 Our thoughts about others, and yes, about ourselves, can never see to the bottom of things, or to put it better, to the depths of the human heart.  Both that which seeks love, union and healing, as well as the more self destructive aspects of our inner lives that I believe that we all share.  To know that all is observed, seen and loved, can give courage to enter into our inner domains and allow grace’s healing work to continue.  To simply desire growth and healing is to begin the process.  To seek to hide from it at all cost is also a choice, the more we understand this, the sooner we can begin that decent or accent; it depends on how you look at it.

The most important time of life

 

The most important time of life

Getting older is not easy for one by one, aspects of our physical selves are lost that when young, were taken for granted.  As we age we are all called upon to find inner reserves that allow us to deal with this slow decline with grace, if not with ease.  It is a daily choice to embrace this process that happens in later life. 

Culture passes us by (as it should), it changes and we do the best we can to adapt and even enjoy some of the newness of it all.  Today however change comes fast.  Developments from one decade to the next can be startling if one takes the time to look back the way things were.  Now when I watch a movie it can be dated by the use of cell phones, or not.  I have found many of the new technologies exciting, but also find that instead of making life easier, they  speeds things up, adding to the work load of many and not allowing too much time to simply be by oneself.  In my line of work I have to have my cell phone on all of the time in case of an emergency.  At night I can shut off my default ringer, but have certain numbers that can reach me at anytime.  Or if I want to turn my phone off, I have to alert those who may try to call me.  So the connection, even if below conscious thought, is always there.  I think this is good, this access, we have just not learned how to use it to actually make life simpler, instead of more burdensome.

Perhaps one of the reasons so many people today are looking for “spirituality” is the need to be able to deal with the times that they have for some solitude.  The inner life, the ability to live there, learn from ones inner landscape takes time and effort.  It is not easy, perhaps that is one reason that we try to fill our days with one thing after another.  I have days when I don’t want to slow down.  Don’t always have a clear cut reason, I just don’t want to settle down and be with myself.  When I force myself to sit, pray, read, and write, or ponder, I do get a sense of coming home.  When I don’t slow down, the experience of life being absurd, empty and shallow only gets deeper and more draining, it seems that my enjoying life is dependent on my inner life, my connection with the infinite.  The energy comes from within. 

A friend of mine told me that I was obsessed with time.  I thought about that and responded:  “Time has always been a blur for me and I have even when young had a sense of how short life is.  I can’t shake it and I know that I am not alone in this; in fact I think that is one of the most common experiences of all.  How we deal with that is another question.” 

I no longer think of my future in decades, well I do in perhaps two decades; my dad died at 83.  It does at times fill me with fear, at others times with peace, this sense that the end of the road is becoming easier to see.  Both experiences are fleeting.  Then there are times when I don’t think about it, though that is become rarer.  Mortality is not an easy concept to grasp, since our death is experienced. To think about it, as Freud said, is to be an observer.  When we die, we don’t observe, we experience.  It is popular today for people to say that they don’t fear death; I think that is not true, the survival instinct is the strongest one we have.  Life is difficult, very hard for most of us, most likely for all, so in order for us to make it through life we need that instinct to keep us here.  

There is a great deal of pleasure in life and when getting older those pleasures change and can become deeply fulfilling.  I don’t need much entertainment anymore.  I sense a movement of the Infinite drawing me faster and faster to an eternal moment of union and my ability to love others seems to be deepening.  I find this wonderful, and perhaps this state of life, difficult as it is, is in actuality the most important one that we have. 

Religion and spirituality, for me, go together.  No tradition is without it scandals, failures and evils.  Yet each one, those that have been around for a long time also has deep wisdom and an avenue to experiences grace at a deep level.  It is up to each to study and seek the truth, to not do so I believe is a tragedy.  For we do have a Spirit, and it needs to mature in understanding of its mission in life and why it is here in the first place, though there will always be mystery, an unending search.  The search is part of the journey, or perhaps the journey itself this searching for meaning and answers.  Many think that the spiritual and religious life is an escape from reality; I believe the opposite is true.  The constant racing around, the fear of being quiet, the denial of the reality that we do have souls, is for me the escape from reality and perhaps, maybe, missing the central reason for our lives.

Why the blind man danced

Why the blind man danced

When the blind man danced after being healed,
he forgot all else but this simple fact,
that in a life of being ignored and overlooked,
of being told he was punished by God,
being in darkness and sorrow,
isolated from the multitude
who only wanted him to be quiet,

He danced because,
for the first time he was seen,
all of him by loving eyes,
filled with compassion,
of infinite depth,
nothing hidden,
all of it,

He saw it too and wanted to flee,
however he did not,
for what he saw in those eyes
was deeper than what he experienced,
what was seen was loved,
nothing left out,
and in this being seen
was the root of his healing,

My how he must have danced,
cried, yelled and laughed,
a fool he became
for he experienced deeply,
what our human hearts are made for,
his whole being renewed,
in the searing fire of infinite love.

Eye to eye

Eye to eye
 

I looked over into the other car,
waiting at a red light in Atlanta;
an elderly regal woman looked back,
eye to eye,
a lot can be exchanged in a short time.

She had a hard life,
made her strong but untrusting,
her looking back at me
expressed that,

I looked away,
uncomfortable to say the least.

Perhaps I was looking into a mirror;
it had nothing to do with her,
hence my discomfort,
my looking away,
my uneasiness too much to bear.

That was 30 years ago;
I doubt I have changed much.

If I saw her again,
what would I see,
my experience what would it be? 

Would I look away?

The importance of gratitude

The importance of gratitude

I have often read over the years how important it is to be grateful, to take time and count ones blessings.  One day I was in a whining, self absorbed mood.  A good friend with whom I was sharing this with asked me to stop for a short time and look around me, to see, and in that seeing to be grateful.  At first I was irritated, I was having such a good time feeling sorry for myself and did not like being disturbed from my narcissistic ramblings.   When he saw my rather annoyed stare at him, he gently smiled and told me to relax and refocus.  I frowned, then reconsidered, took a deep breath and tried to do what he requested.  It was difficult for me to turn away from my self pity, sort of like trying to disconnect from a tar pit, but slowly I was able to untangle myself. 

“So now what I asked; he responded.  “Just be aware of what you have, what is before you, your gifts, where you live, your friends, your family, your health. The simple fact that you can walk, breathe freely, think, read and laugh the fact that you exist, the gift of that, to simply exist.  Problems will always be there, at times serious problems that can drag you inward in ways that blind you from seeing what you already have”.  It is not that simple I retorted in anger and he laughed and said.  “You sound like me when I am in a mood”. 

He left soon after that and I pondered what he told me.  Of course it was nothing new, this kind of thing is written and spoken about so much that it has become to sound like a cliché.  Yet is it?  I did look around me after my friend left me.  Saw where I was, thought about the good things in my life, the giftedness of it all, and started to feel better.  My problem was still there, but I was able to see it in its proper perspective.  It was something that will perhaps be part of my life for years to come, but it was a part, not a central theme.

Perhaps in the end it is about perspective. 

Most people go through really bad times in their lives.  For some it is one thing after another and can be a threat to ones well being and even life.  I would say that we all need to be listened to in a compassionate manner from time to time, just as we all need to be reminded that there is more to life that our problems and sufferings, as urgent as they may be. 

These events are just as much a part of life as those areas of our lives that bring us peace and joy and at times healing.  The good parts can be taken for granted, since what does not pain us does not have to be dealt with.  Pain, suffering and our many problems seems to be a wake up call to deal with reality on a different level.  We feel like we are being tested, and perhaps we are.  In any case how we respond is important and it is good to develop a way of looking at life that will help us.

A healthy thought out faith (or philosophical path), allows the one who practices it, to face life directly without the need to turn left or right, to ways of existing that only make our lives more complicated and actually increase our problems and sufferings.  Or if the way is lost, it allows a way back to inner balance and healing.  Perhaps when Jesus said that worry not about tomorrow, today has enough problems to deal with, was talking about that….in other words, deal with today; see what is before you and trust. 

To enjoy life when things are good takes no interior focus and discipline. 
To be aware of what one has and to be thankful when things are going badly
requires mindfulness and inner restraint.

The dying (a prayer)

The dying
(a prayer)

Outside of time you reside O Lord,
for I now pray for all the dying,
in all times and all places,
the young and old,
those who have never known love,
for those who have,
for the rich and the poor,
for those who have done great evil,
for their victims,
their families and towns and villages,
those who where tortured to death,
and those who have tortured,
who have died from hunger,
the abused and the abusers,
the young and the old,
for those who have died alone,
in dark and cold places
with no one to mourn them,
while they are known and loved by you,
for all of these I pray my beloved,
for all are your children,
all are loved.

Only infinite mercy and love can understand,
I don’t for my love is slight and conditional,
my anger deep and desire for revenge present,
even if at times there is one to place it on.

Life forms us,
hate deforms others,
children abused can become monsters,
war begets more war,
our blood has perhaps become a deep river,
almost bottomless in its depth,
for hatred and desire for revenge
is insatiable,
only love can heal,
the balm is forgiveness
that only your grace
can bestow,
and in being forgiven,
in understanding what that means,
with the grace of self-knowledge,
can we forgive as well.

It is all grace.

Mercy experienced

Mercy experienced

You cannot run from me my beloved,
for I have you in the palm of my hand,
I know your deepest recesses,
places that you do not know,
I see your wounds and failures,
yet I love what I see,
for nothing is hidden from my sight.

I will never stop loving you,
something humans don’t understand,
a love that is unending,
true and freely given,
for all are my children.

Judge not others my child,
for all have deep hidden shadows that I see,
I know their wounds,
failures, anger and yes rage,
just as I know yours.

The mercy you have experienced from me my child,
freely given without merit on your part
is given to all,
only I the infinite one,
your Savior
see the recesses of the heart,
which you may see as a dim reflection
of yourself in others and condemn.

Major fork in the road

Major forks in the road

In any endeavor, discipline is central to whatever it is will be successful or not. In school, in the military, or perhaps the most difficult, to live with others on a long term basis and develop deep and loving relationships. There are always forks in the road; go left or right, which one to choose? Often the traveler on the road is presented with choices that are difficult to make. Either choice will be an embarkation on a new beginning towards something good and life affirming. Yet there will always be forks further up, no matter what way chosen.

At other times, the choices can be opposed to one another. One choice, the right one is the most difficult path, at least at the beginning. The other can appear easy and effortless but the effects of such a choice may not show until way down that path.

In any case, one choice means allowing a sort of death to occur, for the road not taken is an ending of that life not chosen. Few people make all the right choices, for the easier path can sidetrack the traveler off course for a time; sometimes for good.

We can’t have it all. A married man or woman can’t have a successful marriage when they commit adultery, or balk at the inner strength that is needed to raise a family. Or to simply stay true to their spouse for life and to end up happily till death.

If there are failures, all hope need not be lost, for new beginnings more often than not are present. It does take a good dose of humility to begin again and more than once if necessary. Showing mercy and forgiveness can be a major fork in the road for any endeavor; either to receive forgiveness, to give, or hardest of all to forgive oneself.

In a relationship with God, the same holds true. If I am called by God to live out the image I am made in, to love others, myself and to love God with my whole being; well it is easy to see that there will be many forks in the road and in my case failures. Some of my failings flow from my own inner fragmentation and alienation which can be profound at times, as it is I am sure for many. Then there are times when my ‘sins’ are not failings at all but a true choice, more often than not the easier choice but not always. For sin in the end is irrational, working against what is good and wholesome and healing for the soul.

After all these years, I am still O Lord only at the beginning.

Yet I continue. Over the years, I have learned to be stubborn, to look at my own childish, self-important, narcissistic despair in the face and say: “I don’t believe you”. I can do this because I believe in something I don’t understand and also incapable of giving myself. I believe in infinite and unconditional love, something that our ability to love points to, but is incapable of achieving. Parental love is closest to this kind of love I believe, but for all of it beauty and profundity it is still finite. I am comfortable with human love. Infinite love is another story entirely and all my life I have danced around it to my determent.

I stay on the road of my faith, this path that is strewn with my failures and always begin again. The longer my journey takes the weaker and worse I seem to get. I have come to understand that my heart is often hard, cold and empty, yet I long for love and a deeper truer humanity. This longing I believe is the call of grace. Many think that our being human is either a dead end, for we die and that is it, while others believe that our humanity is something to outgrow and put aside. I believe otherwise.

We are called to become fully human, loving, Christ like beings. We are the union of the physical and spiritual, a union so profound that it will last for eternity. Christ Jesus for Christians was fully human, loving, healing and yes forgiving. He could be this way because his love was not based on need; it flowed from his essential nature as God. I can’t do that because I am still filed with fear, anger and yes at time doubt. It is grace that pursues me, will not leave me alone and no true peace will come until I totally surrender.

Infinite love is not sentimental, it is fierce, like the love of all mothers that have ever existed or the love of fathers defending their children. God love is a fire that will not stop healing us in the forge until we give our ‘yes’ and then, I believe the journey will just begin. We are in fact children, no matter how mature, intelligent we are, there is always more, deeper in, and higher up.

Our response

Our response

The river will never stop flowing, nor can we leave the road we travel on, of our own violation.  Life is a stream and I am not sure if it is pre-planned, or if we are here for a set time.  I think chance has a lot to do with it.  How we take care of ourselves, or not, even then how we ‘go’ could be out of our hands…well it actually is.  Being at the wrong place and the wrong time happens often.  Life is dangerous, we can go anytime and perhaps it is good that we suppress that reality more than not.  For to truly understand our situation, would perhaps keeps us locked up in a very small world that could be worse than actually dying. 

Chance, chaos, luck, does not mean there is no underlying order or plan; it is just too deep perhaps for us to see it.  Our senses, intuitions and intelligence while vast and a doorway into reality, is I believe also what limits us in our ability to see reality fully.  That is one reason that the God question is an open issue in many circles and people in the end, choose which road to walk; even if it is somewhat, or completely unconscious.  Either way, the beauty and harshness of life has to be faced until we are released.  Into oblivion eternal as some believe, or the beginning of an eternal journey, is something we can hold to, believe deeply, yet on some level, it is all based on a type of faith.  There is more we don’t know when dealing with the questions that are in reality the most important for most of us.

Our longings are pointers I believe to something more, in spite of the difficulty many have in believing at all.  I have leaned to embrace my doubts, for they push me to seek deeper understanding of my own faith path; one I believe that is based on an historical personage, Jesus Christ.  The resurrection is the reason that Christianity grew so rapidly, a true event, for Jesus appeared too many.  The early Christians were not unintelligent, so they needed proof of the reality of the risen Jesus.  Today many doubt, let them, but for me, my studies have shown me the reality of the Risen Lord. 

I fail in many ways to live up to my faith. In times of inner chaos I tend to falter, seeming to lose my way, but then the path opens up again.  My experienced is that I am the being pursued and my seeking is a response to grace.  I believe that all seeking is in fact an answer to that grace. We are all brothers and sister on a long and difficult road, though in the end, when old, the journey may possibly seem quite short.