That which eludes us

That which eludes us

As water to roots, is grace to the heart,
the Sun warms the earth and allows being
to grow, as grace heals the soul and fills
it with life.

We each must die to all but to what we love,
some lead to life, others to sorrow,
in the end its is one thing we seek,
a lifetime of searching bringing us to the home we
truly try to find.

Days can be haunted by grace’s pursuit;
all things outside  its sphere becoming emptiness
and frustration, for what we seek can’t be earned
or owned, just an ever deeper seeking and diving
into the eternal’s depths.

Once owned it is shelved,
its luster dims quickly as the day’s shadows
lengthen into night.

That which eludes us just ahead is grace’s
seduction, giving a little, then to withdraw,
for what is infinite cannot be grasped or owned,
it only wounds as it heals in our lifetimes pursuit
seeking the true water of life.

The heart’s true longing is ever fresh, ever new,
wounding and healing as we are drawn ever
deeper into infinite love.

My hearts true longing

My hearts true longing

My chest is often tight; I blame it on the heat. 
Yet I know it is more than that, this little bit of pain,
for my soul is what is obscured in covers high,
smothering so much hidden beneath;
no wonder at times I feel that I can’t breathe.

Below the anger in large waves hammering,
images bright with its aggressive ponderings,
I sense walls of fear hard as granite
keeping what lies beneath hidden deeply.

Anxieties trembling, seeking the threat that is not there
is the worst for it belies my sense of control,
for it points to the shaky foundation of all I see as strong.

It is not more anger that lies below, but sorrow deeply slumbering,
waiting for me to enter its embrace to take me deeper in,
to what lies beyond the rage, anger and anxious concerns.

I sense within the dry sands of my soul, at times a tear of moisture waiting;
yet when I reach, it disappears, as it always does below the burning sands,
and I dig and seek but nowhere to be found.

O God, why am I still in my own prison made,
so strongly built and walls thick and high,
will I ever be free to truly find my hearts true longing,
in a world that satisfies not?

Made for breaking

Made for breaking

The heart is made for breaking, so it can grow larger, though that in itself is a very great thing.  To get up and begin again, to learn to trust once more and to be able to forgive others, though it is never easy and may seem impossible.  Perhaps it is without grace; that love that is infinite that flows through our hearts out to others if we allow it.  It does take a death to self, for the Self, which is in union with God to grow and become manifested in and through our lives.  It is not about being hard on oneself, but to have the courage to grow in self-knowledge that leads to empathy and compassion for others.  Without that, forgiveness may be impossible, which means we remain chained to those who have hurt or betrayed us…. we give them power they don't want most likely.  Just as those who can't forgive us, give us power we are unconscious of and most likely don't want. 

Embodiment, incarnation, flesh and blood

Embodiment, incarnation, flesh and blood

To age is something good, pleasant (?), well, no (!),
for if life is about ‘something’ rather than “chance”
then something deeper seems to be a play.

What if we are just children at our beginnings,
if all that we experience as awful as it is,
as absurd as suffering and evil seem to be,
the wars, the pain and disease, the human losses,
our own despair, the corners we back ourselves in,
are they for nothing at all, our lives a storm that ends,
then eternal nothingness? 

Children don’t understand their parents at all,
much of the time that is; I certainly did not.

The more loving a parent, perhaps the harder
for the child to understand…..for it’s rants and temper
tantrums are of no avail, and often parents do things
causing pain and anguish, yet in the end, it is for something.

There is a point of stillness within me that is becoming
more apparent and constant, though my inner fragmentation
and restlessness still often hide it.  Yet this part of me, never moves,
is at peace, is not bound by anything really, yet elusive and fleeting,
though as I said above, it is becoming more common.

This stillness is connected to something more; a deeper peace,
a more profound stillness which pulls me, seeks me, seduces me and
makes love to my soul.  I am expanding, yet it is something given,
grace we call it, not letting me rest in this world of sand boxes
in which we play.

In my heart, all dwell, because my heart lives in something bigger, more
loving and intimate than what I understand, yet my heart craves and is
thirsty.  So I dive in no-thing-ness and find that I can breathe, though the breath is never full, nor complete, there is always more, a deeper hunger and a wounding for a union so intense that I fear, as well as long for it more deeply,
as the years move by at an ever faster clip.

We say God is love so glibly, I don’t understand the infinite….yet…. the intensity of it….. once I experienced it; it was terrifying as well as something I want more of, yet can-not here in this realm of again, boxes, the sand boxes in which we play…. my world is yet to small, confined, enclosed and safe in all the wrong ways.

Embodiment, incarnation, flesh and blood, sweat and tears, struggle, humanity
slowly being formed to bring us to Christ Jesus, who lives in us, one with us,
though we do not yet know it (well I don’t).  Revelation shows us something, not new, always there, but still incomplete.  It is completed in each of us in the world of a God who allows everything to happen and does not step in.  A God that will not fit into our simple schemes and theologies and philosophies, though at times I wish God could be controlled, but then perhaps this world would really be a hell, for a God of my understanding is really me written large, not a pretty picture. 

Is it because we do not believe?

Is it because we do not believe?

If Christ is found in those who are least,
in the hungry, the imprisoned, the sick,
and yes in the homeless ones,
and those just held in little regard,
if “those others”  are doorways into paradox,
why is it then that it is so hard to learn,
this reversal of all cultures in the world?

Is because we do not believe?

So it is not seen who it is that is despised,
the deep mystery of Christ immanence,
in the one avoided and pushed down.

It is easy to cling to what our societies teach,
while allowing Christ to drown before our eyes,
to see pain and alienation and turning our attention
to more pleasant ‘things’ easier to cope,
as if in Christ we are not actually one;
the universal lie that binds us
to the wheel of cultural wars and pain.

So the Body bleeds and suffers,
and the hand does not care about the foot,
nor the eye the ear,
avoiding compassion and loves suffering,
for something worse lived out everyday.

I am as well a part of this problem,
wrapped at times in only my small world,
believing it is all in all,
when it is just that,
a world cut off from the source,
at least it seems from time to time.

Children weep and are abused,
women beaten down by cruel men,
men are wolfs to one another,
and the world continues to turn,

Christ Jesus dwells within each heart,
blinded from this reality we scattered
each into their own homes,
seeking a solace that will not come,
for our souls are empty without love,
and we turn to sand a place without water,
seeking solace in that which does not quench. 

Noon day devil

Noon day devil

Sometimes it is good to understand that being bored or feeling empty is a normal part of life, so the spiritual path can at times be irksome, but not as bad if all one does is to drift.  Being patient is so important if any kind of progress is to be attained.  Grace is a gentle invitation, freely given, we are free to answer the call or not.  If we don't, the invitation is still there, it is never withdrawn.  I would like to say I always answer the call, but that would be lying.  I don’t keep score but I doubt it is all that high.  God’s mercy and love are forever, while I, well, I can drift from time to time and feel lost, until grace once again comes and I respond.  There is never any need to despair, or to give up, just begin again.  Humility is a hard teacher, but it also lightens the heavy our egos can put on us.

OMG!!!! The heat is coming

OMG!!!!!  The heat is coming

Well the heat is coming, OMG!!!!!  Georgia is great for about 9 months of the year; it is the three months of hell (well for me) that is the catch ;-).  Well worth it, I guess I would not appreciate the 'good' months, if not for the evil witch of the east, or north or south, or wherever she lives in OZ, or lived.  I think a house fell on her or something, well better that way than having water pored over you.  The second witch went like the month of August, hot, wet and very humid and oh yeah, the melting…ouch!!!!…

Everydayness

Everydayness

 It is in the everydayness that we seek truth, though there can be times where we rise above the clouds into a broader reality.  In our everyday lives we always have to choose, make choices to take that next step forward.  The inner life, the life of seeking to deepen our love and trust in God, is one of growing in conscious awareness of who we are and what we are capable of doing and becoming; both good and bad.  Of knowing that each moment is a new beginning of openness to the grace of Infinite Love…. so there is always hope, no matter how dark our days can become.  To choose is often difficult but necessary for us to grow as human beings.


Love of self is difficult, it is the hard road, not to sink, to give up, or to take our inner struggles and pain out on others.  We each have a load to bear; no one is exempt, so seeking to grow in compassion can make each of us a healer for others.  When there is failure, it is a spur to become more open to the grace that gives us the reward of loving, which is to love more, an eternal journey.  That is why eternity is not boring, each moment a new revelation.  Ever deeper in and higher up, if we keep an open heart and allow the Lover of our souls who seeks us in to our deepest recesses. 

Trying to be a caregiver

caregiver

Trying to be a caregiver

Boundaries can be difficult when trying to be a caregiver.  Each person is so unique that different paths need to be taken with them.  The compulsive side to any gift one has is the major source of suffering in any aspect of work and the only way out of that situation is to yet again look at the under-side of the upper-side.  People who need to be taken care or in positions of powerlessness that most of us don't understand until we are there.  So when to allow and when to say no can be difficult.  Dealing with their anxious concerns can also be wearing, but I believe that anything worthwhile will always bring a time of self-introspection and hopefully a new beginning until next time.  If not, well there is always burn out. 

Many become caregivers because they have to.  Taking care of one person, a loved one, can actually be much more difficult than what I do, since I have help and work in an environment where I can if need be take a break.  Those who are alone often can’t, so the experience is different not only by degree but also the danger to physical health.  Family caregivers often die before the ones they are trying to help, the stress being so great.  For some this happens because they never learn to set boundaries, nor can they let go of control of their role and allow others in….this can be and in fact is often unconscious.  For others, other family members don’t help; often because the caregiver fails to let others know what they exactly need, then get angry when no help comes their way.  It is a difficult situation for all when this happens. 

If the care giver knows that his, or her care is up to them, then things won’t spiral out of control.  Self care leads to a better ability to care for others.  If not then there is anger, resentment and communication can be impossible.  What I call a ‘human situation’, one that can’t be resolved since any responsibility is not taken to rectify the situation.

The world is real to them

Their world is real to them

The time is here, something dreaded in point of fact,
he is entering a phrase wherein he will become very confused,
paranoid, combative and  filled with deep fear, anger and rage,
then, the caregiver has to help as best as can be done,
a war of sorts, between the ones caring for,
and the one being helped but does not know it,
worlds in collision, a horrible time, but something real,
that has to be gotten through,
so shutting down helps, though I personally hate it,
yet how else can it be done, this dealing with human pain,
confusion, dementia, that only gets worse as time goes on?

For the world of the demented is real to them,
just as my world is to me, I just have others who agree with me,
communication difficult if not impossible and it only gets worse
for those in confusion with no way out,
this seeking to reach out to assuage their pain,
 but it is impossible for the one suffering,
so help is given the best it can, being seen as something different
by the one receiving aid.

It is a human situation, a painful one, in a life often filled with pain,
is there no end to this dance? 

Yes there is; death is not always the enemy, it can be the bringer of peace,
and those who have faith, something more.

When we belittle others

When we belitle others

What happens to our hearts when we mock, gossip and belittle others?  It is a self inflicted wound that will only bleed and become more infected until the time we seek forgiveness and mercy for the damage done.  If people are indeed mirrors into our own souls, who is it we are judging and hating? Perhaps ourselves when all is said and done?  We are commanded to love ourselves because without it, what we truly feel in our hearts will only overflow to those with whom we relate.  A vicious cycle that only gets smaller and tighter as we age. 

The seaarch

The search

In solitude, when there is quiet, it is then that the inner world demands attention.  Face to face with a presence that is closer than our skin, beyond form, yet seeking a response.  If I was an atheist I would find solitude different….how different I am not sure, for the same emptiness of silence would remain.

Being self aware, mankind is the observer of the universe.  Perhaps without self awareness, the universe would simply be asleep, unconscious, for there would be no one to see or observe what is and the seeking after meaning.  We are the name givers after all; we make up species, name plants and seek to see ever more deeply.

Who observes us?  Observation is not a good concept when dealing with the transcendent, but language does have its limitations.  Are we brought into existence because we are simply in the ‘mind’ of God?  If this is so, why is this observer so hidden from us?   Perhaps apart from pets, the natural world only experiences us as an intrusion, often a very unpleasant one, but hidden from them as well?  Hence, our aloneness and feelings of being rootless and adrift, in an often painful and confusing universe with only a few short years of actual existence.   

I believe we are made to search, to seek for answers and in the journey to understand that we will never get to the bottom of it.  We live in a realm where ‘doubt’ is what keeps us searching for deeper answers in relationship to the mysteries of our existence.  As well as seeking to find that treasure, the deepest longings of our hearts….which for all of our sophistication, is to simply be seen. We call that ‘being seen’, love. 

As I get older, I am finding that time has a funny quality to it.  It takes everything away from us if we live long enough.  Yet, as we are being stripped of one strength at a time, one family member and our friends, when our cultures pass us by and leave us in the dust, yet, there is a deeper life within that becomes stronger, stable, even if the outward aspects of our lives move towards extinction…at least as far as the world is concerned.

Faith cannot become a mere ideology, since they all die.  Faith and yes religion, which I believe is necessary, stays alive because it is ever brought to its knees by failure and a lack of understanding of the teachings and example of its founder.  The failures of the followers of God, do not point to the non-existence of God nor does it say anything about the actual faith….it only points to the central problem in our world, the cause of perhaps most of our sufferings, it is of course ‘us’, ‘me’.
 That which observes and upholds us will one day bring us all to an accounting, to a time when all of what we did, did not do, the pain and joy we caused, will be looked at, we will become the observer of ourselves, to see ourselves as God see us.  I am not sure that is consoling, but something necessary in a world where justice is also an important issue for humans.  Justice for all, and also an accounting for all….love demands that, that we see all, that we come to the true understanding of who and what we are, for the need of mercy, both to receive and to give.  In the end, we choose, to receive mercy and grace, to give it, or not.

I do believe in hell, a place of eternal isolation, a state of being where one chooses not to observe as God observes, so stays locked in a freely chosen existence where the only observer is the one locked in a self-made prison.  Where their judgments are the only ones worth paying attention to; becoming perhaps the ultimate victims themselves, impossible to reach for eternity, trapped in one moment of isolation freely chosen. 

We either create ourselves, or allow grace to create us.  Grace allows love to blossom, healing to flow and living waters to quench the deepest thirst of the human heart.  By grace we are brought to full stature, a gift that we respond to.  To create ourselves is ultimately to create a world of lies, since we become trapped in an endless cycle of our own finite nature.  Only love can free us from that reality, grace, something I believe that is open to everyone.
 

Just an old fogy

Just an old fogy

It is easy to think we each, in our opinions, have a larger piece of the pie of truth than others.  I wonder if perhaps the biggest slice any of us can have is a very thin one indeed.  The most important questions are those that remain after all of our other needs are taken care of.  Water, food, shelter, family etc…then the deeper questions, perhaps the most important ones come to the surface.  Possibly that is why in affluent countries, filled with people who are educated and have time on their hands, have so much trouble with depression and the feelings of isolation and depression. The deeper needs if not addressed in some way can lead to self destructive behaviors. 

As we age and the length of our future lessens, these questions can become more incessant, so also can the need to escape from the reality of our approaching deaths and loss of everything…. at least as far as this world is concerned.  So we are left with either seeking some answers that will help us along the way, or continue to pretend that all is well.  The problem is not about what one believes, since we live in a world, a small world now because of our communication networks, where many beliefs rub elbows on a daily basis.  I think the real problem is how our beliefs affect us, our lives and how we treat one another, especially those who are different.  Both religious societies and secular have dark histories in how ‘outsiders’ were treated in the past and are treated today.   

I believe our technological advances outstrip our maturity and ability to actually communicate on a level that leads to growth in understanding of other view points.  Perhaps that will never happen in many cases.  However, as hard as it can be, there is real communication going on.  Not from the extremist, but from those in the middle, the so called moderates.  Moderates are comfortable with doubt, and because of that will not allow their own anxieties dictate how they will relate to others.  People who are weak in what they believe will often come across as being sure of themselves, which is why  fanatics all look alike, or sound alike, no matter what their belief system is.  I suppose we can all fall into this kind of thing and it takes discipline not to and to hold back from pushing too hard.  All it accomplishes is for the other side to push back harder. 

I am used to being held in contempt because of my beliefs; it does not bother me too much anymore.  I have learned however from my past experiences to at least try not to put others in that position, for that kind of thing only leads to further fragmentation of our society.  Cultures die, not sure if ours can last much longer seeing the road we are walking down.  Perhaps age gives perspective, or not.  I remember decades past, where the world was far from perfect, but if back then people were told what it would be like now, I think they would draw back in horror.  True we have lots of new gadgets that make life easier and more productive but at a high price (and I know we can’t go back).  We are owned by our toys, we don’t own them.  What could have made our lives easier and more leisurely, is in fact speeding us up more and more, with more to do, and leaving little time to sit still, relax or to even think.  I am an old fogy of course, so maybe that is all it is.  I hope so.

The last phase of life

The last phase of life

As I was taking care of Luke early this morning I could tell that this was going to be a morning of confusion.  He was in a good mood, but as happens often with the very old, he will soon be 102, his body is awake but his mind is still in some dream.  Luckily the dream seemed to be more or less pleasant.  He has to be watched of course because he can’t walk by himself, though he can with assistance and great care get to the bathroom and back to bed.  He does not always know this, h is need of help and he being still very quick needs to be watched closely at all times.  He is not a problem, he just does not know what he can’t and cannot do.

Alphonse is different.  Yesterday I pushed him gently to do more.  He had a fall and broke his elbow and is on the mend, so he is still a little shy about doing things on his own.  The body has its own intelligence and at this time he can be overly cautious.  So I encouraged him to get up on this own, while being right behind him, but not touching.  Letting him undress as much as he could etc.  Last night he seemed less anxious and I believe part of that is his slowly becoming more independent.   It is good to see.  He is looking forward to the day when he can be on his own.

So both Luke and Alphonse need watching and care.  Luke because he does not know what he can’t do, and Alphonse because at this time he is not sure what he can do.  A different need for two different men, as it is always, when caring for others.  No two cases alike.

Emilio who died in Nov 2008 was the only exception that I have experienced as a care giver who seemed to know exactly what he could or could not do.  He would let me know that at this time in his life he needed help, because he was getting too weak.  He was always right and because of that after one bad fall, he never had another one.  He even knew when he was going to die.  He told me in June of 08 that he would die before Christmas because he could see how weak he was becoming.  A few days before he died, I was away, so I called him and he told me that he was unafraid and ready to go.  He was such a gently man that I still miss him.  His smile is imprinted on my mind, so gently and loving.

There is joy and suffering no matter what one does in life.  We always have to deal with others, just as others have to deal with us.  Some are easier, some more colorful and others, well they can yes be a pain in the ass as well, yet all are lovable if looked at without comparison to others.  We each have a long history, at the end of our lives that history may catch up to us, where all filters are gone and we are simply ourselves, all subterfuge dropped and there we are….naked on many levels before others.  Perhaps this is the final healing in life’s long process, well hopefully that is so.  Who are we when the ego is no longer helpful, or even important, or perhaps shattered through dementia and illness?  One of the good things about being a care giver is that hopefully I can help those here on there last mile to blossom ever more and to become more open to reality, to God and the deepest promptings of their own heart. 

If we have souls 

Old age the final frontier
not easy by any means,
often painful on many levels
that is unknown in youth or middle age.

Which I believe is the most important
part of our lives,

If indeed we do have souls,
a heart that grows eternally,
and we take our love with us;
and all else drops away
or is purified into gold.

Until that final chapter,
most of us live in the in-between
of faith and doubt,
of hoping against hope,
for in this realm
we must always seek,
questions and never give up.

Driven

Driven

 I think the old adage “never argue religion and politics”…..is probably a very wise one, but one that is very seldom followed.  Everything today seems to be based on one group either berating another group or religion, or trying to prove the superiority of “ones” party or religion over others; a lot of wasted energy and time.  From time to time I fall into this trap, and in the end, always regret it, since communication is simply not possible when this kind of seeking to influence others enters the picture; better to let others think and believe what they will, and hopefully others will give that respect back to me.  Even if it isn’t given back, I don’t think it is that important, since it is in the nature of being human to disagree and also to misunderstand one another.

 I have also noticed that if someone has issues with his or her past, be it parental, or religious, or political; these issues have a way of getting in the way of true communication, leading to simplistic and black white judgments of those who bring to the surface these inner conflicts.  I suppose problems with authority, are the most common, something that I am still seeking to work thru, though my authority issues seem to be more manageable and less painful as I get older and hopefully wiser..
 I have learned that I can’t influence anyone, nor dissuade anyone of anything, nor can anyone influence me, or change my outlook, unless I am ready to put aside my own prejudices and simply listen and perhaps learn; not always an easy thing to do.

 I have also experienced first hand how people tend to judge other groups or religions by their lowest common denominator, to make sweeping generalizing of the worst kind, and then sit back and act as if they have stated a great truth!  I have of course done this, why else would I see it in others.  When this happens to me I usually just shut down, why bother (?), better to just conserve my energy for other more constructive endeavors.

 I doubt that there is anyway around this, since we are more emotional than rational, and the more rational, people protest that they are, the more black and white they can be in their sizing up others, and their beliefs, not realizing that they in turn are causing others to do the same thing to them; labeling them as representing a particular group, be it theist, atheist or something other.  I suppose those of a more fundamentalist bent tend to do this, since they always have a ready quote from scripture or some philosopher, to back them up.  Such an endeavor is worthless since they can be countered by some other quote from the same scriptures or philosopher, or perhaps scientist if one leans in that direction.  Of course being a fundamentalist is not reserved to just the religious, atheist, and political pundits do the same thing. 

 I suppose religion can be the worst, we can do the worst things to each other in the name of God.  I am not only speaking of those who are fundamentalist, but also liberals who can be worse in their disdain for anyone who disagrees with them.  Of course there are many exceptions in both groups, but the squeaky wheel makes the most noise, another adage that is only too true.

 So do I give up trying to communicate?  No I don’t, but I am trying to learn that I can’t really influence what others do or think, also to let others make their own mistakes, just as I have made mine, to simply let others be, and allow God to work in their lives just as I have experienced God working in mine.  While it is true that each of us is the center of his or her universe, it is good to learn that in the world of other “inner beings” who also have a rich, and deep inner life; it is best to not believe that, since they are also speaking from their own center.  The only true center is God, and it is the love that flows from that Center that will allow the ability to simply listen to grow and mature, to let others be, and allow God grace to do its work.  Each of us is unique, so let it be.

 To treat others as I want to be treated is a difficult practice, since it takes a great deal of being present to the moment, to the person in front of me, to be able to do this.  Emotions are powerful, and sometimes even if not felt are powerful in how they influence my ability to listen and to respect others.

Message package is life



Messy package is life

Life is funny and difficult and wrapped up in one messily garlanded package.  It will stay that way for the most part, for things, or let’s say people will not fall into neatly lined up categories or stereotypes.  Being a caregiver is a good way to learn about that reality.  In everyday life a lot can be covered over by a smile, by the surface projection of capability etc.  However inside, no matter how nicely appointed we seek to make the package look, inside, well, it can be very messy and at times painful to behold.  The inner world is a wondrous place, filled with light and joy, sorrow, pain, love and obsessions, yes a very interesting and dangerous place.

There are some who don’t see this measureless inner world, but for many such folks, if they do indeed have “issues”, or “inner demons” that are out of their sight, it is not so for those around them regrettably.  The same goes for me.  I have had good friends who have tried to get me in touch with an aspect of myself that absolutely drives them crazy and to their chagrin I did not get it.  I was and am totally blind to aspects of myself that seem to leak out all over the place.  The fact that different friends have different things to tell me only means that there is a lot about myself that I have no idea about.

We read each other pretty well much of the time, but reading ourselves is a bit more difficult.  I do have “inner demons”, they won’t get out of my face, but over the years they have become more or less like children who need attention, to be seen and listened to, but not believed nor suppressed.  It can be tricky, but as I age things seem to be a bit easier, though the word ‘easy’ is not quite what I mean.  I am not sure for anyone who wants to be a decent human being finds life easy.  There are too many times during each day when small choices have to be made that have long range ramifications.  Yes one choice at a time, getting up one more time, not even giving despair the time of day, though that is voice I have to deal with a lot.  Though ‘despair’ is the voice of fear of someone inside of me very young, who believes that perfection is actually something good, when in fact, well, God spare us from perfect people. For they are often perfect asses, but don’t know it.  I have been that from time to time and no doubt will be there in the future.  I do have a smug side for sure; it comes to the surface when I am out of touch with myself.

Again it is all about language and how we use it on ourselves (self talk) or towards others.  Language can be a sword, sharp and painful, keeping others off balance and at bay, or it can build bridges based on empathy and compassion for self, the natural overflow from self knowledge toward others.  Many people laugh at this way of thinking, well that is until they become the proverbial fly that hits the windshield.

I believe in grace, have experienced it and know of its pure giftedness from God, or as St. Paul puts it, from “The Father of all comfort”.  Knowing that grace, love,  and God’s loving gaze is always present, makes it a little easier to go within, to the inner zoo and not be afraid, since Jesus is already in each cage waiting for me to enter and discuss as well as to experience all the pain and anguish that goes with healing and self knowledge. 

Being a caregiver, being with others when older and ill and often near death, gives an ever deeper perspective to this reality of inner growth, self acceptance and God’s grace that allows it all to happen.  People in this situation are very good, as well as very bad, often in rapid succession. They are simply themselves, which is good, and I have to deal with it, either with compassion, which works, or seeking to control, which only gives me a headache and does not work, ever. 

I have spoken of failure; well there is plenty of that and plenty of getting up over and over again.  Having talks and letting those I take care of know that I am very human and from time to time I may come across a tad varnished, or deeply flawed.  They understand, since they are on the same road of self discovery, of God’s mercy and of letting go of the fear that keeps this inner acceptance from happening, these little interludes bring us closer….at least for a time to each other.  Short term memory can be quite a challenge though. 

Life is to be lived; I believe that the inner world, the world of grace and of the soul, is just as important to a well balanced life as the other aspects of being human.  It is never a waste of time to seek self understanding, so as to be able to understand others better.  It is also well worth it to develop a loving relationship with the transcendent, for me that is Christ Jesus who is the revelation of the Father and the giver of the Holy Spirit….all one… Trinity.

His-self

 

His-self

Yesterday he was in a good mood, everything was right with the world and I was great, could do no wrong.  This morning he insisted it was evening and did not understand why he had to sleep with his shoes off if he was just taking a nap.  So I thought, this is going to be a bad day for him, he will be confused and ornery, which is to be expected.  Why not?  I have bad days when I am really bad tempered and have to watch what I say, even how I look at people.  He can’t do that, so I get the real thing today, well part of the real thing.  For his good days, his kindness and humor are also real; perhaps more real than when his days are dark.  On his dark days he is usually confused and can’t help it or reflect on what we try to tell him.  In the end, I just enter his world and go with his flow, as long as it does not endanger him of course.  I would not allow him to get up and walk by himself no matter how angry he got with me.

He won’t eat his breakfast since it is evening he insists.   So I asked if he would like supper (well it is 7PM somewhere) and he says no.  So I try another track, and see if he wants to go back to bed, since he looks very tired.  He then tells me “that he will never sleep again, or take off my shoes”.  So I said, Ok, I will talk to you later.

I don’t like to see him confused, but it is part of the journey and all I, or the rest of those who work here can do is to simply accompany him, even if he does not want us to.  He forgets he can’t walk by himself, which concerns me, but that mood passes and he gets better.  I worry about the time when he may not be able to come back to the ‘real world’, where we can communicate with him.  It is just a common human situation that has to be endured hopefully with good humor and love. 

I do believe he will make it to his 102^nd birthday and perhaps beyond.  Yet I don’t know anything, he could die at anytime, hopefully in his sleep, in peace. 

The path of the caregiver

The path of the caregiver

Caring for others is twofold.  There is of course the work that is needed everyday, what I call the daily ritual.  When I get someone new on the floor it may take a week or so to get a routine down so that things run more or less smoothly.  The actual manual work is the easiest part of helping others for it is a goal that can easily be accomplished.  Feeding, bathing, turning (if needed) take on a rhythm that can be soothing at times.  Though of course there are days, like with any other day to day routine, that has to be done even if there is some inner unrest, or tiredness present or one is simply in a bad mood.  Like in all areas of life patience is needed to really accomplish anything well.

It is the relationships that take up most of the energy.  One reason is that everyday it will be different, especially with those who are elderly and have some level of dementia.  One day things go smoothly, then the next there is a constant struggle to take care of someone who is in a fighting mood and suddenly you’re the enemy.  There can be recrimination, often for something that happen in the far past, or perhaps being accused of stealing from them, etc.  Now that can take up some energy, even if a seasoned caregiver knows what is going on. 

All that can b done is to do the job and help as much as is possible.  Knowing that in a few hours, or moments’ things can change and the mood is different.  What causes some sorrow is the fact that the caregiver can’t get inside the world of the one who is suffering from dementia, though in conversation that can be attempted often with some success.

Our minds are prisons of sorts, for our understanding of life and the world take on the cloak of infallibility, even if it is not seen as that.  That is why even normal people have a hard time communicating.  More often than realized, it is simply impossible.  Add dementia to the mix, and there is rough sailing a great deal of the time.

What helps is the understanding that it is not personal at all, yet the suffering of the one going through it persists. For some, it can last for years; they may never really get out of it.  Or if they do, it is only for a short time.  I do think that the experience of time for those with dementia is of a different kind entirely.  There seems to be no linear time, just the reliving of the past brought to the present, then forgotten about and something new comes to the fore.  I wonder if the mind is actually aware in dementia patients, but can’t speak, sort of like someone trying to drive a car when the steering wheel does not work, or the brakes aren’t working too well.  If that is true, then seeking to be kind and gentle with them takes on a whole new dimension for the caregiver.  I often see an element of real presence, of being, in the eyes of those I take care of. Little instances of awareness that can only be seen if actually looked for.

There is always a person present, no matter the degree of dementia.  Once years ago, as I was taking care of Leo, who had dementia at an advanced level.  He would pretty much just sit quiet all day and reacted when something needed to be done for him, but otherwise did not communicate much.  Then one day, he looked at me and said with urgency, “Mark, I am still here”, then he went back inside.  I have never forgotten that moment and will take it to my grave.  I guess it was a defining moment for me.
Perhaps one day I will find out what it is like having dementia, for none of us knows what awaits us in our last mile of life.  I still believe that old age is the most important part of life, though in our culture of today that is not something thought about much.  It is also important that we can hopefully allow others to take care of us when our time comes with some degree of grace.  Though even that may be taken out of our hands and then we will be at the mercy of those who care for us.

Who is it that looks out at us,
an awareness for sure,
though perhaps now unfamiliar
for the world they inhabit
is not of the same weave
as those who have not dementia.

The hidden one

 

The hidden One

 I hide, so those who seek will walk the road of faith and not surety.  For my essence is infinite and the mysteries of the Universe will lead to my reality, an intelligence beyond vast, infinite, wherein shadows of its immensity  can be found over large stretches of time, as mankind slowly learns of its secrets. 

My child, while it is true that suffering is a difficult road to follow, yet without it there would be no questioning, no seeking after answers, for self awareness as man-kind experiences has a steep price, but one with eternal consequences.

Mankind’s questioning, the “whys” are a result of the goad of pain and suffering that seeks answers and yes that leads to me eventually.  There are answers to all of your “whys”, there is also the ability to allow faith to grow amid doubt and inner conflict.  Doubt leads to deeper seeking and understanding, or to a letting go of the journey and to sink into apathy about the existence of the Infinite.

If my children for even one day, lived out what they speak of, no matter what they believe, the world would see the difference at once.  It is fear, anger, and doubt that keeps you chained in endless cycles of war and destruction.  Not only outwardly, but within your souls as well, which is easy to see and experience when silence and solitude is sought from time to time.

I give no answer to the mystery of suffering, for the answer resides in the human heart, often filled with darkness, greed, lust and anger.  Your societies are a reflection of your  souls, both the good and the bad within all cultures.  Until that is understood, the rise of and fall of societies will continue, only ending when the unity of persons is understood and compassion takes hold.

Many paths are sought, lesser ones, easier ones, which deal with desires and yes true needs.  They are dead ends, for life is short, so seek what truly matters.  When successful help those who are not.  When part of a loving community or family, seek out others, to express that love toward those who are seen as outsiders.  When looking at those unloved or seen as the enemy, see my reflection and seek to see with different eyes. 

It is only in understanding my union with all, my love for all and compassion for all, that my grace can be absorbed and you will become my arms to embrace, my mouth to encourage and my legs to carry of the message of God’s love for all. 

I know each of your names, a name that is between you and me, one day you will know that name, if only you seek to grow in understanding, love and compassion. Seek me in doubt and darkness and pain and you will find living waters welling up within your soul.

Common to the point of blandness

Common to the point of blandness

I was reading yesterday, a book written by a Priest about the NDE experience and the Christian path.  I won’t go into the book, but as I was reading it, the reality of my being in the latter part of my life was very strong.  It does not matter that I ‘may’ have thirty years to live; which I doubt, but the understanding that it does not make much difference in the long run.  When young, twenty or thirty years seemed like more than a lifetime….but now, well no, my experience with the rapidity with which our lives fly by is too real for me now.  It is the ‘now’ that grips me, today or twenty years from this moment, will be experienced as ‘now’.

I am getting to the point in my life where much of the time, I actually don’t take things for granted and appreciate the moment and what I have and also what I am capable of doing.  I know from working with the elderly and sick, that from one moment to the next, at the turn of a dime, a drastic change can happen, or ones life can be over…..a snap of the fingers and the city comes tumbling down.  Being a caregiver makes it almost impossible not to keep these realities before my eyes.  For I am not much younger than some of those I take care of. 

Youth is a great time of life, and oh how when I was in my 20’s I had everything figured out, or thought I did of course.  I had endless years before me, even if I was very aware of our temporal nature.  I was strong, now not so much so, my body was free and flowing, now it just hurts much of the time.  I tire more easily etc.  Common to the point of blandness aging and death…until it is experienced in the first person.  Then the developing of patience begins and learning to deal with bodily suffering and limitations, which in fact can over time become somewhat freeing and lead to ever deeper degrees of inner liberty and awareness. 

Old age is feared by many. People want to be young forever, and great expense is done to seek to accomplish that.  Some do for a time, but again, the rapidity of time makes much of this absurd and perhaps a waste of time, if it in fact has an adverse affect on ones life and relationships.  Also if it keeps the development of an inner life from growing, then I believe the consequences can be tragic.  The inner life is often underrated or ignored, but in reality it is what runs the show.  The less awareness there is of this truth, the more chaotic and compulsive life seems to become. 

We seek meaning, integration and a holistic understanding of life, this can’t happen unless some inner awareness is developed and the inner demons dealt with.  I believe Carl Jung was right.  Strengths that were needed in the first half of life become detrimental to life, healing and happiness, in the latter part. Aging can be like having some very cold water thrown in ones face…over and over again and this experience will only stop when this reality is embraced gently and with faith.   We are here for a short time, with very little control over the world and others, all we have in reality, is to seek to develop our inner life, and for me my relationship with a loving God.  Then our relationship with reality will change all of our interactions with others and life in general.  Growing old with grace is not an accident, but comes about by many small choices along the way.

Perhaps what causes fear in many, is that no matter how careful one is in life, no matter how deep faith goes, no matter how much patience is developed, the last few years, months or days, can be something other that desired, where all control is lost, memory gone, and we are at the mercy of others.  Yet this hard reality is also part of our journey, though I wish it were otherwise.  Faith gives some meaning to all of this and hopefully can impart some hope and peace as time speeds up and our final exit from this life fast approaches. 

The prayer of a man past his prime (me)

 

The prayer of a man past his prime (me)

 As I age Lord my sense of manhood seems to change.   When younger it was about muscles and vigor, endurance and lots of armor, pushups, and handstands, and lifting heavy weights, never admitting weakness, or even knowing of any in any real sense that I had any. I felt whole, strong, and together and foolishly thought my whole life would be thus.

Now when I look within, I see a vast ocean spotted with islands, with no boat to cross it’s raging waves, or bridge that I can walk over.  My sense of self once secure is now in bits and pieces, showing how fearful I was when young of this truth.  Perhaps there was a time when I was whole, before the one continent shifted and drifted apart, or perhaps exploded from some deep inner volcanic eruption that sent my sense of self flying over vast distances.  There are times when I believe that these islands are slowly coming back over the horizon to one day come together.  Then there will another earthquake before this reunion is complete, then what…..my death?

I am perhaps building bridges by writing, since I often don’t know what is going to come out when I sit down before my computer to pound the keyboard, so fast that even then I can’t always keep up with my drunken monkey mind, though it is in fact focused while I am sitting before the bright screen……a modern form of meditation perhaps.

I was a warrior of sorts when young, though I knew it not, so defensive to inner truth, as well as my own pain and yes unknown gifts and strengths, on my wild white horse racing forward.  Now my path is strewn with this armor, and I feel naked at times, not knowing what to do with this new state, slowly arising over the years, this vulnerability, these soft, uncanny emotions that seem to want to melt me, which I still fear.  Yet I can’t go back.  My former armor would only crush me; I would not be able to breathe in its tight embrace.  What was once needed would now be death dealing. 
My wild ride, a white stallion, still bucks from time to time, but I can now calm its strident fear and anxious concern to run and trample in its fear and anger.  I lean forward and whisper in its ear gently:  “You are safe, in no danger; there is no rush, slow down”.  Behold it does, and now there can be hours, even a day can go by without fear, or anger, intruding into my thoughts, studies and prayers.  No, I and my trusty stead are now friends, I don’t need to control him with my will, but to only converse and see and listen to.

It started Lord many years ago a dream.  I rejected your love, turned away and when I again faced in your direction you were there just looking at me.  It was then that I saw my journey begin to unfold, though I was still quite young.  I said in tears, something that at that time I did not do, to actually shed tears, well I still don’t know how……and stated to you in anger and rebellion, that I am afraid…..you looked at me….and said in a matter of fact voice”  I know Mark, I know”.  It was then that the seed took root, and the inner journey started.

I would not go back, nor do I regret my journey, my only sorrow is that I still fight you, but so did Jacob, and he was wounded, and so am I, and I am thankful for the wound, the pain, the struggle and you still ‘knowing’ in your gentle way.

So I am becoming unmanned, more gentle and even feeling from time to time, and then tears do flow, though I still don’t know how that happens……Some armor remains, perhaps only death will take that final resistance from me….so I stumble forward Lord in trust though I still struggle to what it now means to be a man of God.

I do know that it is in others that I see you, their beauty shows me your face and that you call us all to love more deeply and purely.  I am glad that I am 64 years old, for it is then that each of us, as we age can perhaps be ourselves, as we move toward the horizon that awaits us all.

The undertow

 

The undertow

 

There is always a downside to any gift; a dark undertow that if not watched can turn any talent into a tyrant that can at times ruin a life.  This underside of our gifts is also something that is needed, for when something is overdone, or compulsive, there is always a price to pay if some level of awareness is not present.  Feelings of anger, of being used, at times self pity, are all warning signs that some line has been crossed, that is not healthy and needs to be addressed. 

Being a doctor, a lawyer, nurse, teacher or yes, a parent, policeman, priest, or any occupation that takes care of others, can lead to some serious problems and can bring about a great deal of suffering.  There are many reasons why any one occupation or career is chosen, not all of them healthy.  It is the unhealthy aspects that need to be addressed, so that the gifts that are present can be deepened allowing the giftedness of the path chosen to bear fruit.

Inner images along with strong emotional states can be good indicators of what is actually going on.  Control issues, people pleasing, micromanaging, the repressing of anger etc. will always find ways to alert you how off balance one is.  I believe that the soul, is always seeking wholeness, not perfection.  In fact I believe that there can be no real growth unless the undertow of our giftedness does not pull us under from time to time.  It brings us back to ourselves, if we are willing to not becoming a victim and to seeking a deeper insight to whatever crossroads life has brought us.

The other day as I was just sitting and not thinking much about anything, I had some powerful images of self pity rise to the surface.  I always find this kind of experience distasteful, since it gets me in touch with aspects of my vocation that strip me down and make me look for ways to better take care of myself, and to not seek escape by even more activity.  It is good to be busy, but busyness only pushes problems down, but they will keep popping to the surface until they are dealt with, or perhaps the better way, there is an attempt to deal with it.  There are cycles, but hopefully each one takes us deeper in and not just another round of the same thing on the same level over and over again.

Each person I believe has to access a way to deal with their particular, unique inner recipe, in dealing with their life situation.  The coming together and falling apart are a natural rhythm of life, when that rhythm is ignored, or ran from, things can start to fall apart and then there is no coming back together.     

Our struggles important,
they lead us somewhere,
faith allows us to embrace the pain,
confusion and chaos
that is part of life.

The gift

The gift

I was walking
slowly
doing my meditation
it was the softest evening
the sun setting
long beautiful shadows
gracing the fields
with barn swallows
flying, zigging and zagging
the way barn swallows do
joyful in their flight
allowing joy to become conscious
then I came upon
a tree standing quiet
I stopped observed
then without warning
silence enveloped me
a quiet without strain
no anxiety
nor fear
just an all encompassing peace
for a second I was free

I stopped
stunned
waited in the silence
then
out of the deep peace
a voice, or was it?
I do not know
the message
was gentle in its teaching
it said
"how can you be fearful
when surrounded by so much beauty"

it lifted

the strain, anxiety, fear
retuned
I walked on
changed in my depth
if not on the surface
I am still changing
slowly
afraid to accept the freedom
of such love
why (?) I ask myself
perhaps fear still has a hold
less yes
but I am still chained
waiting in silence and faith
staying open to the gift
that was planted
in my depths that day
slowly taking root
hopefully bearing fruit