Compelled

Compelled

Writing is an interesting way to express oneself.  For me, what I write about is not what I focus on most of the time.  Kind of a clown actually in my everyday life, yet when I write I have a hard time being light and funny.  Though I do accomplish that on rare occasions, it is not spontaneous for me at all, writing humor.  I often wonder what a 'muse' is, artist talk about them, perhaps my muse wants me to dig and look at what is underneath.....it is the sharing I seem almost compelled to do that intrigues me, but I go along with it.  Wonder if the day will come when I won't be compelled to share.  Or maybe I will be dead two weeks before that leaves me.  I hated writing for 50 years and now for the last 14 I can't seem to stop, or actually want to.

The imprint

The imprint

Talk on anger, resentment and rage 6/28/13

The more I give talks on anger and resentment, the more deeply I understand my own lack of wisdom in dealing with this issue.  Each person has his or her own journey with this aspect of being human.  For some it can be the central point of reference in their lives.  It can shape their relationships most of all.  It is also what drives many to seek a deeper relationship with God and all traditions seek to help their followers deal with this often painful aspect in their lives.  My writing on this subject, tells more about how I deal with this in my own life, knowing that others have wounds that come from different experiences, often deeper and more destructive than I can even imagine.  So anything I write will have some serious limitations in how I deal with this important aspect for many who seek to deepen their spiritual lives. 

St. Paul talks about a thorn in his side that the Lord allows in order to keep him humble.  This is not a very comforting concept for me.  It implies something that worked on him all of his life.  A problem which irritated him no end and caused him inner suffering as well as having to deal with no doubt, his failures and inability on his own to overcome it.  I believe that most people can relate to this very unpleasant reality about life.

For me anger could be my thorn, or one of them that I deal with.  Though my other problems, most likely stem from this one deeply felt ache in my side.  A constant source of annoyance that is cyclic in nature; in other words unending.   The intensity of it varies as I age changing in subtle ways, slowly over the years. Often in spite of my self and my slowness in responding to graces calling for deeper trust in life’s process.  The call to bring this inner turmoil and pain on an ever deeper level of intimacy to the Lord, an act of trust and faith, which is central to the Christian path.

There are many causes or roots to anger and of course not everyone experiences it in the same way….though the pain is often deep and can cause ever deeper wounds towards self as well as others.  Cycles can be self destructive or can slowly lead towards healing and at times be a mixture of both.

There can be closure for anger.  Some sort of reconciliation can occur.  For the majority however closure cannot be accomplished, and it is a life long ongoing process trying to live with it.  “Deal with me”, our anger can often scream at us, but often the ‘dealing’ can be problematic.   For part of the struggle is not to become the sort of person that tries to deal with their pain by taking it out on those who are in the vicinity, who in fact have nothing to do with anything in regard to this issue.   It is called the ‘shot-gun’ approach to anger.  This only leads to greater suffering; for this release is less effective the more it is used.

On the cross Jesus prayed to the Father to forgive those who betrayed, denied, bore false witness, tortured, mocked and killed him.  This is a hard pill to swallow since our sense of justice demands some sort of restitution.  I can talk and write about love and forgiveness until I am blue in the face, but when I am struggling with my own inner ‘demons’, this is very difficult or even impossible, at least on an emotional level. 

I have found that my desire for it to end is a major source of suffering for me.  It will not go away, but how I relate to it, this ‘thorn’ is all important.  For me, my anger goes way back, which is true for many and all the other instances in life that cause anger and resentment, have it’s roots in this one instant in time that caused the inner rift to happen in the first place.  Perhaps it is the time when many of us first woke up…. our fall out of Eden so to speak.  A time when we found our selves naked, vulnerable, defenseless; with no one around to help or save us from whatever happened; aloneness and isolation experienced for the first time.  Young children are of course not rational, so an unintentional act can actually be the cause of this inner turmoil. I believe it was for me.  Big or small, the incident can still leave an imprint that has to be dealt with for a lifetime.

The desire for revenge, while understandable, only gives power to whatever it was that hurt us; took something away from us…. that committed an injustice that can never be addressed.  Or even if it was, may do little good.  This is the kind of anger that can be a major point in our spiritual lives, this bringing before the Lord our pain, our inability at times to forgive, the images that if feared can torture us. These are what the Spirituality of dealing with anger entails.  It strips away the often pious ways that people talk about love and forgiveness, when it fact it is often a blood and guts kind of thing.  We cry out for grace, for mercy on ourselves and when we begin to understand how our pain and anger can lead to causing the same kind of suffering to fall on others….then and only then can we begin to understand others and why they perhaps do the things they do.  Our faith journey is constantly pushing us deeper understanding, compassion, not only for ourselves but for others as well. 

Love of self, that the Lord commands us to and for good reason, for it can be the hardest thing to accomplish for many, is the first step.  Only then, when we understand how we are loved by the Lord, lifted up, treated with compassion and understanding, can we begin to allow healing and the unclenching of our fist, the opening of our hearts to the new life that Christ calls us to.  The death to self is not about doing things, or becoming perfect, no, it is about allowing the healing of the Lord in our lives, the letting go of all that imprisons us, and allowing the free flowing of grace into our hearts.  Easy yes (?);…...well of course the answer is no, perhaps impossible if we keep ourselves enclosed in unending cycle of anger and for some seeking revenge on those who did this evil, or towards just about anyone who gets in our way.  








 

A talk on anger and resentment

A talk this weekend on anger and resentment

This weekend, there is a retreat being offered on anger and resentment.  It is usually full, one of our most popular retreats.  I guess I have been doing this since 06, seeking to help others who like me have an ongoing dance with anger.  It is seldom a gentle dance, a tender rounding about the room, but more like a very agitated tango.  The agitation comes from the knowing that this anger and resentment are not the fault of those around me, so I can’t just use the shotgun approach and blast everyone….which by the way does not work either. 

Angry people who wound others and wish to share their pain are acting out of victimhood and either don’t want to, or don’t know how to take responsibility for their own emotional health.  More often than not, they are caught in a whirlwind which only gets worse as they age.  Some people are so angry that they actually don’t know it, but everybody else does who has to live with them.  Repression is not always a bad thing, but when it affects others in a destructive manner…. then hopefully it is something that can be addressed. 

I was at a meeting once giving my opinion on the subject matter of the get-together.  As I was talking; giving what I thought was a rational response, I noticed that the men around me were looking at me in a manner that I did not like.  At that moment, I came to the realization that I just might be angry and don’t know it.  So I started to apply my emotional breaks, but it took about 30 minutes to get myself back on track.  It was a revelation to me that I could have been that angry and did not feel it.  That is I guess why everyone else was feeling it so much and not responding in the way I that I was hoping for.

It is easy to say that the spiritual path is simply dealing with ones recurring problems, harder in living it out.  As I get older, and have less energy to deal with this kind of situation, I find myself more and more just sitting, not thinking and letting things settle down a bit…..I also pray like hell. 

Anger, the experience of carrying a wound around perhaps for a lifetime, or for many, for years, until some kind of closure is found, is a time when the wound can be shared, others brought into the fold of having to deal with being treated unjustly.  Angry people always have good reason for doing what they do, perhaps we all do, even when it is destructive towards others and self. 
 One of the avenues of healing is coming to grips with this reality.  Of how we each are both the one who wound others, as well as the wounded, it comes full circle, often over and over again. When this is deeply pondered and prayed over, it can lead to actual compassion towards those who are consumed with anger and the need to blast those who are around them.  For we know the pain they are experiencing and the frustration that things don’t get any better.  In fact, life can steadily get worse and they can become more isolated. 

While anger is something good, for it gives us the energy to deal with injustice, to seek to right the wrong that is so common in our world today, it can also be a source of actual mental illness.  Anger, resentment and yes rage, the child of both, leads to a narrowing of consciousness that assumes the job of judge, jury and executioner, to fall on one man or woman.  It is only in the movies where this can actually work.  Perhaps that is one reason why these movies are so popular, a world wherein a man or woman can get revenge, then go home and live happily every after.  Does not happen, for the fire of rage only gets bigger when fed. 

I believe that this dance that I mentioned above is something that I will deal with all of my life….it is the thorn in my side that keeps me seeking deeper healing and a more profound response to grace.  Death to self is a long drawn affair for me.  Though there are those who do it more quickly and for them I am grateful, they give me hope.

Grace is all


Not pleasant much of the time,

our existence,
the gift,
choices made 
our response,
our deepening love and healing,
the fruit of a loving trust
in life’s process,

even in the darkest hours.

The Cauldron

The Cauldron

In the I Ching, a book of Chinese Philosophy, there is a hexagram called the “Cauldron”, it is fire above and wood below, so the image of boiling is evoked.  The I Ching tries to bring before the reader the many ups and downs of life, the cycles so to speak that most of us go through in one way or another.  There are three responses that are appropriate in any one circumstance.  To go forward, stay still, or to pull back; each good when needed, destructive when not, it is in understanding how to react that is the main challenge. 

I would think the above symbol would bring to mind too many people times in their lives when this experience was real and had to be dealt with on a daily basis.  Perhaps patience is what I tend to think about when I think of this particular image from the I Ching.  The ability to allow things to work themselves out, no matter how slowly it moves along without seeking to find some quick solution, for truth be told, many problems have to be waited out, there may not be an immediate solution, nor a long range one either.  It is what I call a ‘human situation’. 

There are times in life to be proactive and work things out, and then there are times when it is best to let things simmer their way to some sort of completion.  In both cases, how things work out in the end, might not be what we wanted, desired and may even be hated.  Such is life and how we respond is very important.  We can respond in ways that are destructive, but then learn and seek to get some sort of balance and even insight if the situation warrants it.  Or things can fall further apart.  Life is hard for everyone and more often than not we may feel alone.  Knowing that this is a common experience can actually help, it is just life…..rough yes, but we get through most of the time.  Muddle through for me is the word.

Our perceptions about life are very important and make the difference between health and mental breakdown.  Anyone of us is a candidate for this too happen and if it does there is nothing to be ashamed of, for again it is life.  Family, community and yes whatever our faith is, can be the central core of our finding our way back and again taking up the journey.  Though, the chaotic times in our lives, when we feel lost, are also a part of the journey, ending only of course in our deaths, our finale letting go.
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People who face life, it ups and downs and develop a mature faith tend not to fear death as much as those who continually run away from life’s problems.  Perhaps this is because when we walk through the valley and shadow of death, which much of life can seem to be like; we deal with death all the time.  The death of dreams, of health, of loved ones, the list can go on and on…. it is one letting go after another.  So when that finale letting go comes, it is just the last one after a long chain of ‘deaths’ to many dreams as well as to love….yet we continue in hope. 

There are probably more good times than bad for most people.  They can be taken for granted until they are gone.  Bad times, well that is different, pain makes us search for answers, or if not that, for ways of just getting through life without running from it….we learn to simmer.  I am still learning.  It would be nice if I did not need to, but life is life.



 

Wanting to eat bear

Wanting to eat bear

I woke up this morning wanting to eat-bear; I was in a mood.  I believe that moods can come from different places and often I have no idea from which place.   There are times when a mood sits, comes up from the depths and the actual source may be something from the far past that colors the present.  When that happens I look for a lighting rod that I can be like the god Zeus and throw a well aimed bolt.  Of course that will not work, not being a god of any sort, and really no one to strike, so I have had to learn other strategies.  Which don’t always work by the way, not always centered by any means…..but I try.  I am told that failure is just as important as success, but I really, really, like success better, it makes my ego smile and strut.  

When I can get to the point that no one around me is actually responsible for my ‘mood’, then I have to deal with it, or sometimes just let it ride itself out….sort of like a summer thunder storm.  In other words, if I deal with it, or not, it will pass….however if I let others be victim of my mood, then it will last a lot longer and next time it may be harder to contain. 

Prayer is one way to be able to set back and try to look at it; if it is a hones communication with the deity.  Not sure I always succeed at that either, but again I try.  Failure I guess is to be expected so I don’t try to get all neurotic about it when I fail….but who is counting, right?  It is just so damn hard to get it through my head that the universe does not revolve around me….though perhaps it should….just joking there folks.

In the end, moods, the good ones and the bad ones are the same.  Not in the enjoyment of them, for who likes a bad mood?  No, in the reality that each passes.  So how do I seek to deal with this slowly moving merry go round?  The knowledge that they all pass, can help me to stay centered and get some objectivity.  So I wrestle with myself and my seeking to live out what my faith calls me to and fall on my face much of the time, but get right back up.  On the path of the inner life, self pity, or neurotic guilt, are pleasures that should be indulged in very rarely…..in reality they are a tar pit, or a tar baby, sticky, messy and hard to disentangle oneself from.

I pray for mercy for myself and others.  However when I am in a mood, and want to throw a lighting bolt, well mercy is hard to come by for others, I am too busy wanting to aim…..so I  slow down, pray, think and hopefully the clouds will pass.  I would love for all of my moods to be of the happy sort. However, I have a suspicion that if that happen; I would not know that the mood was pleasant in any case.  The Ying and yang sort of thing; hot and cold, love and hate, pleasure and pain, just the ups and downs of life.  Sort of like if it was spring all year long, who would really notice?  Also suffering, the kind that comes from within can causes me to seek deeper understanding and to take deeper root in what I am called to be as a follower of Christ…not sure being a grouch is it, though it is certainly easier from a certain point of view.
 The problem with eating bear is that it has a really awful after taste, so better not to partake at all, not matter how it is served.

Our mourning

Our mourning 

Mourning is ever new and fresh,
each time someone lost like it is the first time,
its sharpness never dulls
as it cuts though all defenses,
there is sorrow, anger and deep rage,
all pious clichés wasted,
though faith and hope remain.

We are so civilized in our mourning,
no tearing of our robes,
or ashes in our hair,

No…. 

It is all muffled and quiet,
and many are left alone,
isolated in their pain,
for the awfulness of emptiness,
the deep hole that was once full
of a life, a light,
now gone,
though again
hope remains
amidst the inner chaos,
where only silence is the true consolation. 

Is it a fools dream,
this hope,
I think not,
it is life after all,
this shit we all go through,
necessary perhaps,
this chipping away
of facades that cover
an ocean of sorrow.

Is it thus for everyone?
Yes I would say,
though those lucky few,
who are more aware,
they drink the chalice straight away,
the rest like me,
well we struggle along,
slowly coming alive
by life’s cruel jest.

Change

Change

Is there nothing that we can cling to, or something in our world that is permanent?   Of course the answer is no.   It is so easy to take things for granted until they are gone.  There must be on some unconscious level, a place where it is believed that nothing actually changes.  That all of our relationships, the situations we find ourselves in are somehow permanent.  We know that is not true, yet this can persist, it shows in how we react when things do change, or something important is taken from us forever, never to return.  We have all the time in the world, we can lie to ourselves.  Letting things that are very important, normally thought of as the little things, pass us by.  Yet our moments, even if they are measured the same all the time, by minutes, hours, days, months and years, yet it can seem like a lie.  For a year can pass like it was a weekend, so fast can time seem to fly.  Blink in January and it is June, then another blink and yet another year has passed. 

Our lives change drastically when we lose something.  A friend, or our health, a spouse, and of course we can wake up one morning and we find ourselves ‘old’.  Though to our surprise we don’t feel old, in fact we can feel quite young in many ways.  Perhaps our illusion of permanence is based on something deeper and real, that is projected out onto a world that is in the midst of unceasing change, of becoming and then falling into non-being.  It is probably best that people do not think too much on their contingency, yet to not think of it at all I believe is unhealthy and can lead to tragedy and deep suffering.  I guess if we live long enough we will experience the loss of a great deal in our lives.  Some live to see the loss of everything if they live to be very old.   I have an idea that the less people admit to this reality the more frantic life can become.   For while it is hard for me to think of my own death, I see too much of around me to actually be able to repress it very deeply or often.  What is it we take with us, when we die?  Much of what is thought of as important is left behind.  Of course many believe that death is like hitting a brick wall, there is nothing after death, so the question is probably silly to them.  Those of us who believe otherwise, perhaps it is not so simple.  Perhaps what we take with us are our choices and how those decisions have created us in some fashion. 

In the Christian faith, after the Incarnation of Christ, we are called to become ever more fully human and loving.  Anything that does not lead to that is what is called sin.  A state of being still born, stuck, of closing off the fullness of life that Christ Jesus is calling I believe all of mankind to.  The problem with my faith is that it is easy to fall into the trap of actually knowing how God works in the hearts of all of mankind. 

 Jesus tells us to let go of fear, to trust and have faith.  How important is that for a species that not only knows that they will die but also struggle with the actual existence of God.  I believe we all have doubts, though they may be repressed….yet we live in a world were absolute certainty is not possible, though deep faith is.  If I need total proof of the existence of God, then I would become an atheist.  Yet atheism is not something that can proven, it is a choice.   If atheism was based on some kind of science, well I would suppose that most of mankind would be atheist; such is not the case, nor do I believe will it ever be.  Science can tell us about the world, but the deeper questions and longings cannot be touched by it.  Though the proponents of scientism would like to convince us otherwise; not sure how successful they are.  Many atheists, those that are militant do about as much good for their cause as do militant fundamentalist Christians….the key word here is militant.

Ever new (grace)

Ever new

(grace)

In human relationships, even the deepest, the most enduring, like that of loving parents, have limits, though these limits are seldom reached in life.  Parents will love their children even if they do great evil, even if they abandon them, yet the love more often than not persists.  Human love of the best kind shadows the love of God, which is infinite. 

I still have little understanding of what this means, a love that has no bottom, like an ocean that has no end to its width and depth.  We can love deeply, because we are made in the image and likeness of God.  Perhaps that is why when we do show mercy and compassion and the fruit of humility which leads to empathy; we feel joy and expansion in our hearts.  When we don’t, we feel deep suffering, even though we may not call it that.  Contempt and hatred for others is a form of suffering that only gets worse as times moves on.  It is because the human heart is made for more, much more and when that is not attained; well there is only an isolated self at war with others that remains.  It is a hell like experience that can be perceived as normal.

Grace; the grace that is taught by Christ, is God’s love shown in the incarnation.  For me, this slow understanding of what that means is a lifetime endeavor and the deeper the Lord leads me, the more I don’t understand, but still I seek to swim ever deeper.  We can swim in mystery; play in it and can become frustrated because the deeper truth is just beyond our reach and in our seeking it always remains so, though we do go ever deeper into God’s love and grace.  Understanding is often manifested in the healing that takes place, which shows in our relationships.  We become vessels for the love of God to be manifested in the world.  It happens because we stay open, don’t give up, and in spite of our ever deeper understanding of our need for grace, which is again humility; we find ourselves becoming what we never thought possible. 

Grace, God’s love, is what halts the natural self destructive tendencies that we seem to have as a species.  Our cultures, with all of its beauty, as well as what is ugly, life denying and outright evil, is a reflection of our inner selves, which is not often a pretty picture.  Because of that, many do not believe the grace that is shown to us in Christ Jesus is possible. Yet infinite love sees deeply, sees all and because of that can forgive and heal all. 

Christians often make the mistake of trying to domesticate God, and then become the Pharisees of this age.  Good people, who perhaps forget the complete gift that God’s grace has been for them.  Infinite love can’t be hemmed in, nor can anyone understand the loving relationship that God has for each of his children.  The reason we are told not to judge others, to separate them into groups, the saved and the unsaved, is because we simply don’t know what we are talking about.  We are called to love, to show the hope we have in Christ Jesus in a manner that is respectful and loving…….we do not need to carry the awful burden of being a judge.  Our hearts our small, for in this life we are all children at the beginning of our journey into eternity, an eternity of ever deeper searching for God’s love, as well as experiencing it.  It is ever new; there is always a new beginning in our love of God, as well as our love for one another.  We are called to pray for all, and to seek to serve those in need, for the poor are always with us.  I would suppose all of us are poor in someway, often hidden. So we are called to love all, which again, in order to do that, it is grace that works in secret to bring out this fruit.  It is humility that allows this to happen.  For self knowledge make true the adage:  “There, but for the grace of God, go I”. 

Spiritual path

Spiritual path
(2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

What you deal with on a daily basis.  That which comes up over and over again; cycles of frustration as well as deep inner struggle.  Also what others tell us but perhaps the truth of their statements are fought and denied…..this messiness, the humiliation of failure, it is in these areas of the life that make up the spiritual path.  It is not about consolation, perfection, or being better than others, no, it is about the death to aspects of our selves that are manifested in our moral struggles, but the root is often deeper.  This simple but difficult truth is what slowly leads most of those who seek deeper relationship with God and an ever deeper openness to grace, to slow healing and a deepening ability to love others as well as themselves; within the turmoil.  In this process, the need to judge others is no longer present, or if it is, it diminishes with time.  Self knowledge leads to humility, which leads to compassion for others who also have their own hidden struggles.  Failure is part of it, getting up most important, and to look upward and not to get stuck in neurotic-guilt; which is a waste of time and a useless diversion.  True guilt leads to change, to seeking if possible to make things right with those we have harmed, while on the other hand, neurotic guilt is just a dog chasing its tail leading nowhere.  The new life that Jesus calls us to can’t be experienced unless there is radical self knowledge and trust in infinite love and compassion.  As well as the death to all the crap piled up on us by cultural and yes at times, by religious indoctrination. 

Being seen 

Oh Lord that I may see as you saw,
beyond labels but deeper,
to see the heart of those I meet,
and the understanding
that we are all in need of mercy,
healing and yes the experience
of being seen and not boxed in.

An old war horse like me

An old war horse like me

I am not really into all this ‘soft male’ or ‘metro-sexual’ kind of thing.  Of course some of it is because of my age, though even if I was young, I doubt I would want to be that gentle or in touch with my emotions and feelings the way that many seem to be today.   After saying that, when studying how our cultural is changing, I can see some good in the above….even if at times it may be taken way too far.  Though of course I am speaking from the perspective of being old and out touch with the mind set of young people…. which is as it should be. 

Possibly the older generation has something to share, but if the older generation always had its way, then we would still be back in the Stone Age.  We are meant to be by-passed, just as today’s young will one day be by passed by the up coming generation.  It is when the wisdom of the past is lost, or mocked, that I believe that cultures die.  When the roots of a cultures past are cut off, then everything dries up and dies. 

Head and heart, rational thought, thinking, being objective (which is an illusion I suppose), is something that I value. To the point where there are many instances where I don’t know what my emotions and feelings are at any one point.  As I age I find that this is not helpful and perhaps even has an effect on my health.  I know that illness has physical component, but there is also the psychosomatic, which also plays a role.  My asthma for instances is real, but the fact that it flares up from time to time, I feel is based my life long habit of stuffing certain types of emotions. A habit, that is life long and pertains to the ‘softer’, or if you must, more feminine aspect of my inner life. 

When I was 40 I went to a friend of mine who was a therapist for about two years.  I saw him once a month, which was all I could take and I spent a fair amount of time disassociating when speaking.  When this happened, he conked out, it was funny.  I would be talking about something real, he was with me, then he would get sleepy and his head would fall over.  It happened every time I left the emotional material and went to the head and started intellectualizing.  In any case, he helped me enough to extend my life.  The reason I went to him was because I could sense my body wearing down with all the energy I spent in keeping my emotions in check.  So I guess I am a little further along on the road, but I often feel like I am only on the first mile of a hundred mile journey. 

The other day I was talking about a friend who is dying on the phone with another person that I trust.  To my surprise I totally broke down, something I have not done I suppose since I was 15 or so.  So perhaps there is hope for an old war horse like me; maybe I have started the second mile, finally. 

Humility is not perfection

 

Humility is not perfection

With people, well yes, at times we have to play it safe.  For we can all be mean and cruel, even if we may not see it that way.  With God, no, all fears must be addressed in the Lords presence, his holiness only allows for more compassion at our often feeble struggles to follow in his footsteps.  Humility is a difficult virtue, since it deals with the reality of who we are… it brings us to our knees in love and hope.    Humility is not perfection, no; it is the knowledge of our own imperfections and our growing hope in God's love and mercy towards all, even our enemies. 

The presense

The presence

In silence many find themselves responding to ‘something’, to a ‘presence’ that they don’t understand, or perceive in any way they may call real, yet it is there and they respond, they allow the grace of the moment to work in their souls. 

This reality is not owned by any one religion, though I don’t believe that all religions are equal, nor do they seek the same thing, yet the experience, the inner peace and healing, the deepening of love seems to be the same.   Grace is universal, no matter how hard religion tries to corral it, it cannot happen.

Because I believe we are all made in the image and likeness of God, in our hearts, we each carry one another.  In prayer and mediation we lift up and carry each others pain, we are all healers if we allow the process of the loving presence to do its work….we need to get out of the way.  It is like a great thawing, wherein the softness of being, of loving, of being able to reach out slowly comes with the inner healing….trust grows, in spite of the death to self that can make this process slow and painful. 

When we draw lines in the sand, then communication stops, we belittle each other, and lower ourselves in the process.  We are called to love others as we love ourselves, also to love God with our whole being.  When we learn that no one has a toe hold on God, then perhaps we can have the humility to actually hear one another, see one another and grow in love and respect for each other. 
The need to feel better, smarter, etc., drops away, and we are left with each others humanity, seeking, and yes possible terror in knowing that soon, all of us who dwell on this earth, will become part of history and then forgotten in the mist of time….at least as far as this world goes.

A seed planted

 

A seed planted

 

We can ask for mercy and receive it.  Yet as the years go by, we may need to learn what was forgiven, how deep was our wrong, how pervasive the pain caused, and in this mercy, healing continues.  It is a seed planted; further fruit will ripen as the heart deepens in its ability to love itself and others.  There are deep roots for our actions, many of them can actually be evil, or experienced by others who are on the receiving end as such.  Just as we may experience as evil, what others do to us. 

Don't play it safe

Don't play it safe

I like to play it safe, but in the end it is useless. For life is not safe, it is very dangerous, anything can happen. With our relationships with the Transcendent it is good to not be safe at all, but to trust, let go, dive in, swim and when you get tired, well let go and sink into what is beyond our comprehension. Christ Jesus is the revelation of the Father, yet in language we can understand, it points to an ever expanding horizon which we will never catch up to, only our love will deepen, our thirst grow, and as God becomes ever more unknowable, we know more in love, in healing and in our ability to embrace life in its fullness. Knowing we are pilgrims here, moving forward on a long and often painful road. Yet Christ Jesus goes before us, showing us the way....so climb high, and then dive into the infinite ocean, allowing nothing to keep this from happening. Not our fear, our doubt, or the mockery of others.....for the reward of faith and love, is an ever deeper faith, and love unending….world without end amen!!!!

No escape

No escape

When the heart is hard, protected, it is difficult to understand the pain caused others, until it is experienced.  It is then that reflection on our own actions can bring this deep healing, and in the process allows us all to be healers of others, by the bestowing of mercy, just as God does for us.  There is a cost in showing mercy, just as there is in not showing it.  It is simply the way things are, there is no escape. 

We are meant to breathe

We are meant to breathe

Those people who seek to understand ‘life’. The ‘why’ of it? The ‘reason’ we are here? Can come across as depressing too many, who don’t understand why numerous people seem compelled to dig deeper into the inscrutability of their lives.  While it is true that everyone accepts that our lives are short, that time seems to be faster than our 60 minute hour seems to tell us, yet after this is said, it is buried under other endeavors.  At times to actually understand how temporal we are can cause terror, at other times relief. 

Youth is idolized, yet it is probably the shortest period of our lives, important to be sure, but not as important as each subsequent stage.  Power and success are gods, yet when most people achieve it, the cost is often more pricey than once believed.  I have spoken to men and women who mourn what they had to give up in order achieving some sort of cultural mandate to succeed at all cost.  Families were lost, children raised without their parents being home and tragedy often followed.  Successes, beauty and youth are good, but not at the cost of everything that is actually more important. 

I struggle with this everyday, what is more important, why am I here, just what is our life all about.  When the mundane is made into ‘all that is’….it is then I believe that many people feel like they are enclosed inside a very large plastic bag with only one hole for breathing.  It is the feeling of slowly dying, but death does not come, an inner emptiness, as if life is nothing more than rush hour on a very hot summer afternoon.  When the reality hits home, that we are perhaps here to ‘seek’, that we are indeed pilgrims with no real resting place, perhaps it is then that the paradox kicks in….peace is found. 

Seeking some sort of closed system only makes things worse.  That goes for philosophy, theology as well as religion.  The heart of men and women, their longings, even if unconscious, can’t be imprisoned by any one understanding of life.  However when a path chosen, deepened, lived out… or sought to be lived out….will often lead to the open-endedness of reality. Not one that will give some sort of absolute answer to the riddle of our existence.  Doubt, about what we are brainwashed into believing is most important, is a vital part of our search.  When we seek some sort of rest, closure, then trouble starts, for we will find that we have to defend our ‘ideology’, seeking for truth stops, building defenses begins.

We are meant to breathe deeply from the center of our souls.  The key, as is shown in many of our great works of art and in our literature and scriptures, is the absolute reality of love, which I believe points to the reality of the soul.  The food of the soul, that which gives it life, is love.  It is love that opens us up. It allows the true death to all that is unimportant to this truth.  That can in the end, lead to a world that is actually a good place to live, or can be.  Or perhaps, it is only a desire that this can happen, that the transformation of the world is not possible. 

Life is good (aside from all the crap)

Life is good
(aside from all the crap)

Theodicy is the discipline that seeks to understand the reason for so much suffering in the world.  To say that human life is often tragic and filled with loss, pain and mourning is so obvious that it need not be said.  Yet lots of paper is spent on seeking to understand this reality.  There are some lucky few where life is good when young, but even with these, there comes a point where life starts to take its toll and ‘things’ begin to happen.

When going through suffering answers don’t mean much, since during those times all that can be accomplished is to simply take the next breath, do the next task and try to make it through the day.  This reality of life, the tragic side, is pretty much what the news is all about on a day to day basis.   If it is not some catastrophe of nature, then it is about how man is truly a wolf to man, as the old saying goes; we do prey on one another.

Our lives do turn on a dime and this reality become ever more real as the years pile up and many of us find out how easy it is to get sick.  In 2011 I had a pace-maker put in.  On Monday I was fine, on Tuesday I started to get winded just walking down the hall way, never mind about going up and down stairs.  I tried to ignore it; denial is easy to do.  I have been told that men do it more than women; how true that is I have no idea, but I certainly tried it…. well it did not work.  Then by Thursday I had to go in to the Veterans ER.  So just like that, my pumps started acting up.  I guess in the past many men died in their early sixties from what I now had and could not be fixed by a pacemaker.  So I learned how so very easy it is to get sick and yes die.  I suppose if I waited another few days I could have died. The doctor showed a bit of frustration when I told her that this had been going on for a few days before I came in.  Stupid yes, as well as understandable.  For who can really believe that they could possibly be dying? Me?  Nah, no way, that is for other people. 

Life is good, there is also lots of joy, peace, love and friendship, and getting older has it advantages, apart from the fact that my mortality is becoming ever more real to me.  My heart is different, my inner heart, than when I was younger.  Though I wish I was further along the road with this.  My head and heart are still miles apart, and writing just gives me a one lane entrance into this region that is still a mystery to me.  The softness of being that we are capable of is still far away for me and it causes me some frustration that I have no control over this inner reality.  All I can do is to stay open and seek to embrace life with all of its ups and downs. 

I have lots of doubts about just about everything.  Existence can seem so absurd at times and meaningless. Yet I have made a choice long ago to deepen my faith. To see what these longings of my heart, so often obscure but there none the less…. which pushes me to seek deeper into the often desert like conditions of my soul what it is all about.  I believe this is graces doing, operative I believe in the hearts of all of us. 

There is no closure to faith, I can’t say, well this is it, I have it, no, for there is always something deeper to consider, or then some experience, not often pleasant that brings me to my knees to deal with, that keeps my heart raw, though I am still good at repressing, just not as good as I was when younger.  It is probably because I don’t want to hide anymore.  In struggle, pain, seeking and the joy that comes from time to time, when all that is going on, being dealt with, prayed through, depression seems a difficult thing to hold on to.  For me, it is all equal, though I wish there was less pain and more joy.  I get just joy enough to deepen my thirst for what nothing in this world seems able to fulfill.  This joy comes from the small things in life.  From smiles, friendship (surely not a small thing), gentle breezes, cold water when thirsty, the goodness of people who are the salt of the earth, yes little things.  Perhaps it is the little things that overwhelm us, that heal in fact, because when they touch, it is out of our hands.  Little surprises, havens that are experienced throughout the day that in fact heal if allowed to.  These little healings happen in the moment, not in my worries about the future, nor my regrets about the past.

 

Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus

Today for Catholics is the feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.  It is a feast that celebrates full humanity, a heart filled with love, no fear or hatred nor is there desire for revenge, only mercy for all, in him we also become more fully human as we slowly experience his love, compassion and mercy.  For he is like us in all things, but sin….he faced life fully, did not try to escape, to the point of taking upon his self our own broken and struggling humanity.  On the cross he took upon himself our deaths and with him we will experience deeper, fuller, joyful life.  He experiences our pain and suffering as well as our despair, "My God, why have you forsaken me", is what he uttered from the cross, a cry more common than many understand.  He accompanies us through the valley of death into eternal life.  He is God, he is not owned by anyone, His spirit blows where he wills, he is not an idol for us to build to look down on others, for he desires the salvation of all men.  We are told not to judge for a reason, we are yet young, understanding little of how God’s works in the world.  A revelation is not everything, it just brings to light what has always been, God loves immanent presence in all of our lives. 

Fanatics

Fanatics

Millions now debate over the internet.  So many arguments; over religion, politics, marriage, abortion and the rights of animals and as well I am sure many more subjects that I can’t even begin to imagine.  The problem with this is that after a while, the arguments get into a seeming repetitive cycle and eventually they take on a form of their own.  It is easy to see in the ‘rantings’ of an opponent, but perhaps not see the same thing from those who belong to our group.  It is a wonder how many seem to think that all they have to do is show contempt or disdain towards those who think differently and it will make some kind of a difference.   Within any group there will be fanatics, though those who are will not see it.  For labels like ‘fanatic’, ‘irrational’, ‘brainwashed’, or something that is placed on an opponent, is not a designation that anyone will wear by choice.  Fanatics from any group sound alike, perhaps they share some sort of psychological profile.  Eric Hoffa wrote a book titled “The true believer” and I think it is a book that does not get enough attention, the attention that it deserves.  He states that a fanatical communist if he becomes a Christian will still stay a fanatic, one who can’t stand that others do not see the world the way he or she does.  When in fact, I am not sure anyone sees the world the same, even if they profess the same philosophy of life or religion.  Perhaps we all have a bit of it in ourselves, but for some it comes full blown and noxious in its fruit…. for in the long run all they get back is frustration because no one outside of their group will listen to them.  Or if someone does, it is just a fanatic switching sides.

The biggest temptation

The biggest temptation

One of the hardest aspects of the inner life that many find hard to let go of (well I do) is the truth that perfection, a time when there are no more falls or failures will arrive.  We are human; we have flesh, hormones, outside influences, family backgrounds and just plain down to earth issues that can at times seem to turn us inside out.  This is normal, what is not normal is coming to the point when none of this is an obstacle to loving God, knowing that it is simply there, this love, beckoning us forward.  It is not about being harsh with ourselves our others, it is about opening up our hearts to the truth of God's love, as well as knowing that love always was, even before we came to understand our need of healing and of grace.  The biggest temptation is to give up, either over our own weaknesses or the weaknesses of others. 

The true treasure of the Church

The true treasure of the Church

I had the honor of attending the Eucharistic Congress yesterday here in Atlanta.  It is always a touching experience to be with so many of my Catholic brothers and sister and to learn over again on a deeper level, that truly it is the laity who are the true treasures of the church.  These people who live their faith are deeply rooted in Christ and for me a humbling experience to talk to them and to have many as friends. 

People make the mistake on judging the church on the evils done by our leaders who fail to fulfill their responsibilities, often in grievous and hurtful ways, while ignoring how the church leads many to an ever deeper love relationship with God.  The sexual abuse scandal is just one of many issues that cause deep scandal both within and without the church.  Yet many retain their faith; keep the faith going an in doing so help to heal the body of Christ.  They understand human weakness and yes human evil, yet they look to Christ Jesus, to the Eucharist and in doing so are way showers for those who on perhaps on the edge.  They refuse to give power over themselves, by those who fail, but look to the best in our Catholic faith and lead others to deeper appreciation of our traditions and also to a deep love of the scriptures, which is our true spiritual nourishment. 

All one has to do is to read the book of Acts to see that there have been problems and troubles and failures in the Church from the beginning.  Just read the prophets in the Old Testament, they are harder on their leaders and the failures of the faithful than any outsider will ever be.  Yet the prophets loved God and stayed within their faith tradition.  Christ Jesus is the heart of the church and the Holy Sprit is it’s spouse, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.  I tend to think we are still young and only at the beginning of the Church’s long journey in this world.  There will be times of expansion and of decline; in all of these Jesus is Lord.