Rite of passage

Rite of passage

As I contemplate my childhood, and the growing phases I seemed to have gone through; there are some aspects of my undeveloped personality, that to this day cause me some sorrow when I revisit that time, and relive some of the antics that I participated in and even enjoyed.

It seems that I started off as being a creature that was unselfconsciously cruel in many ways and from my limited experience was not much different from the other boys that grew up with me.  I suppose killing other life forms was “fun”, for instance we used to get those GI  Joe toy soldiers and light them, then go to some ant nest and then blitz them with the hot plastic, cheering when we hit a target, not even considering that we might be causing unnecessary pain and terror on the denizens of the colony.  I remember one incident that I still revisit that causes me real pain, a pain that seems grow as I understand what we did to such a gentle creature.  One day in the jungles of Panama a group of us boys, we were between the ages 10-12, came upon a sloth moving slowly towards a tree, we immediately started teasing it, poking it, and having a great time, egging each other on.  It then escalated to us getting clubs, or large branches and beating it, and all the creature could do was to slowly move away towards a tree, which it did not make.  We beat it to death and after it was over, we thought we did a great thing, we whooped like cave men and then laughing we ran off.  So much for children being innocent; well we were innocent of the pain that we caused a helpless and gentle creature, which harmed no one.

I also hunted for awhile, and liked it.  The man I hunted with was a nice man, but he was just into killing things.  So one day we went out and we saw a group of monkeys, howler monkeys to be exact.  He gave me his 22 and told me to shoot one of the monkeys; so I got the gun and tried, and go one, it fell to the ground and when I ran over to it, the first thing I saw was the monkey laying on the ground trying to put leaves in its stomach wound.  The sight stopped me in my tracks, as I witnessed a poor suffering animal trying to close its wound, being able to think on what needed to be done. The man I was with just walk over and shot it in the head, and told me I did a good job.  Funny I did not feel like it.

I started to change after that event; I stopped hunting, and begin to feel some regret over the cruelty and pain that I had visited upon innocent creatures.  I noticed also that most of my friends of the same age going thru the same process, more or less, and the cruelty stopped, at least on that level.   I don’t know why little boys go through this stage of growth when they are little.  Perhaps it is necessary, that in going through this, some degree of empathy is developed when it is learned that great suffering, useless suffering, was visited on poor defenseless creatures who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Today as I get older, I even hate stepping on insects, even roaches if they are not overtaking my home, I suppose I am beginning to understand the richness of life, and how precious it is, no matter how small the creature is.  I am not being sentimental here, I know there are times when we have to protect our homes from being overrun by both insects and rats, mice etc, it is just killing for the sake of it that I am learning to foreswear.

I remember one day when I was 14, a man who lived next door, I guess he was in his early 40’s, approached me with a proposition.  He would pay me $5, a lot of money in the very early 60’s for a teenager....if I would capture two neighborhood cats, tie their tails together, and then throw them over a clothes line....My reaction was immediate; I yelled at him “are you nuts, what the hell is the matter with  you” and stormed  off, filled with a vague form of fear, based on the fact that adults existed that seemed to have remained like 10 year olds, when it came to their relationship with the life around them,  which was very disquieting, hence the fear. Some people could not be trusted….how many (?), I had no way of knowing.  I guess that was a rite’s of passage for me, for I never looked on adults the same again after that.  He never approached me again and I gave him a wide berth.

I think we are a violent species and it will take a lot of growth, insight, and foresight to be able to deal with this.  I suppose in the far past we needed to be hard, even cruel in order to survive, but I think that time is over, and hopefully we can slowly climb with God’s help to a way of being in the world that is not so aggressive and destructive, not only towards the world, but also towards our neighbors and in the way we relate with ourselves.

I am not naïve, this is a slow process, it is with me at least.  I struggle with my deep primitive side, and it takes self awareness to be able to stay on top of it, something I also struggle with.

One point, I hope we will at least find a way to treat those animals we use as food in a more humane manner, something that is also growing on me.  How we treat animals will also dictate how we treat one another; it is all one.

A simple talk on masculine sprituality

A simple talk on masculine spirituality

When a man begins to take his faith seriously, which entails a deepening, personal relationship with Jesus Christ; how will that change, or challenge, how their masculinity is expressed?  To be a man of Christ is not an easy task, for when Christ talks about a death to self, he is not speaking lightly, but about a deep healing process that will take a lifetime to grow into.  This relationship will have a profound effect on all of ones relationships in life.  For when the Gospel becomes alive and the life and sayings of Jesus become ever more central to how the world is experienced and ones relationship with that world is lived out…. it brings about not only deep conversion but also struggle, failure, growth in humility as well as joy.  This can bring healing to relationships that were perhaps strained, or even broken, before the process began.  For the fire of the Holy Spirit wounds as it heals at ever deeper levels, ones soul. 

It is not enough to just seek to understand what Jesus said, but also to delve deeper into how he actually related to those he came in contact with in the Gospels.  The bottom line is that human beings are relational creatures.  We have relationships of course with everyone we know and love.  We relate as well, though at a different level and intensity, to those that we meet perhaps only once, those we even drive by on the highway, the poor man or woman on the corner asking for help, and those who serve us everyday behind counters and in restaurants.  Then there is how we ‘see’ and experience those who are different from us, dress differently, believe differently and who may also be on the fringe of society.   

In all of these meetings, which are more important that we perhaps realize offer us a way of seeing Christ Jesus in others, in an ever deeper and more profound way.  It is easy to objectify others, not only strangers, with whom we just want something from, even if it is as simple as ordering a meal, but more importantly with how we interact with our families and loved ones.  It is about allowing the Spirit of Christ Jesus to gives us His eyes to see the world in a different and more profound way.  It is part of the healing that the Holy Spirit seeks to instill in us.  Slowly allowing us to drop the barriers, the fear and distrust of others, that works instinctually and often to our harm.  Perhaps you can say, gradually it allows us as men to step outside of the self destructive cycles that mankind seems to have been tied to for thousands of years, and to bit by bit to be able to love as Jesus Christ loves and loved while he walked this earth. 

Whenever a choice is made to begin a new life, it opens up doors of inner perception that bring to consciousness many turns and forks in the road that may not have been noticed, or understood, before the journey began.  The deeper in one goes, the more profound the healing of the wounds that allow fear and distrust to rule ones life. 

Self-knowledge leads to humility, the ability to accept truth about oneself without becoming defensive.  This brings forth compassion for others and deepens our ability to actually see others and to listen and see them on an ever deeper level.  Again this is a life long journey, in allowing the Holy Spirit to heal us at ever deeper levels.  We let go of becoming victims and instead become healers of those around us.

We each carry our past with us.  It is our past that will often dictate how we relate to those around us.  Men often carry a great deal of anger and those with whom they relate to, will often be targets of that anger.  Anger restricts focus to the point that it becomes the judge, jury and executioner, without recourse to mercy.  It is only when another life is possible and desired that this anger can be a force for healing and true justice.  When it is understood that we are called by Christ Jesus to see Him and love Him in those before us, it is then that self reflection begins. When failures are encountered, humility grows, and a conscious trust in Jesus Christ is developed.  The death to self is a call to move away, to die to, a life that is ‘me against them’ to a life of loving ones neighbor as ones self. This is also true for those who are perhaps very fearful or anxious about life, there is the call to trust and move beyond what was once thought impossible. For inner healing leads to deeper faith and the desire to grow in love and freedom.

The new life that Christ Jesus wants us to experience as men, narrow though it is, is found to be freer, more joyful and filled with love and freedom than thought of before the journey began.  As men we are called to love, heal and to be just to those around us. All men of Christ are called to in some way I believe, to lead. 

Fear the speaker

Fear the teacher

(written in 06)

I sat with the old man, someone who I have been taking care of for awhile.  He is in is his mid-nineties, and it has only been the last few years that he has had to slow down and let others take care of him.  At this time he is having trouble breathing, and is on oxygen full time.  When in bed he uses a concentrator, and when in his chair he has a tank on the back of his wheelchair.  Even with all that he still has trouble breathing, and is in some discomfort much of the time, and I doubt he will be with us much longer.  He is very gentle, and does whatever we ask of him, but I can see that it is not easy for him.

We talked tonight about his relationship with God, and he told me that he did not always do his best in the past, and it worries him.  So we talked about fear, his fear of God.  It turned out that he knew that his fear was based on himself, his own struggle with his relationship with God, and it says nothing about God’s love; God’s eternal love for him. 

It pains me the way we can be taught to look upon God, how we can turn the revelation of God’s total loving into something to be feared and cringed before.  Even when maturity allows one to move beyond it, the residual fear can still remain, and so the struggle with intimacy with God continues, the fear having to be dealt with over and over again.  You can’t trust what is feared, since what is feared, is seen on some level as something unstable, something volatile, and for some, something to avoided.

Fear can be helpful if faced, since choices then flow from that facing, that looking into the eye that which causes trembling and angst.  Growth only comes from choices, so I guess even fear can work out for our good, if not believed or followed.

About a friend of many years

About a friend of many years

(written in 09)

It was Monday morning when my cell phone rang; it was about 10 AM.  When I saw who it was from, I felt some apprehension as I answered the call.  It was Mike, the eldest son of one of my best friends, Fred; who for the last few years, has been in last stage Parkinson’s and suffering deeply from its ravages.  Mike informed me that Fred was being taken to the hospital for a urinary track infection; he will keep me informed and then hung up.  This of course saddened me.  Fred, a coach, a very good one, a father of 7 children, who has a lovely wife, Fran, has lived a good life; I hate this path of suffering he is being forced to travel.  I no longer ask “why” about such things, for it is simply life.  Though the living it out is far from that; simple.  None of us knows what will happen to us in either the near, or the far future, and thank God for that.

I first met Fred in 1972, I was 23 years old and he was 33.  He is almost exactly 10 years older than me.  He was a down to earth kind of man, a coach who loved his job and looked out for the boys who were under his care.  At that time he only had two children, with five more to come in swift succession.  When I first met him, I did not think it would develop into a deep friendship, but such things cannot be planned, friendship happens, and then it is up to those involved to keep it going.  It is a gift bestowed.

Fred liked to visit me just before Christmas, so he could freely go out and buy gifts for his children.  Each year the list got longer as his brood grew.  Being a coach he was not rich, so we spent a lot of time in K-Mart looking for the gifts.  He selected each with great care, perhaps a little too much for me at times, for I hate shopping, yet he was a friend, and I enjoyed the talks we had and the good natured banter that went on between us.  He also drove like he was a man with seven children, way too slow, which was another point of humor between us.  When I drive, I tend to be one of those who go with the ‘flow’, which means 10 miles over the speed limit.  So I got my licks as well when he would comment on my driving.

I remember one day we were talking about his wife and kids, I guess at this time he had them all; I think it was 1980.  He looked at me, paused, took a deep breathe and said:  “You know Mark, I had no idea how much I would love my children.  I love them so much it hurts”.  Yeah he knew the secret of love.  It gives great joy but there is always pain that goes with it.  When his kids became sick both he and Fran suffered more than the children did.  I guess it is the same for parents everywhere; it was that way with my own, I know that from experience.

I am not sure when the first symptoms of Parkinson’s started, it was perhaps in the early 90’s.  He started having a limp in his left leg.  Later, fatigue would set in, very bad fatigue, his voice would get very soft when that happened and when speaking over the phone I could barely hear him.  I remember one year we were, yes, shopping for his little army and also for his wife; for Christmas was a few weeks away.  As he was looking at some items I thought to myself:  ‘Dear God, don’t let it be Lou Gherig’s disease”.  Right after I thought it, he turned around and looked at me and said:  “Mark, do you think I have Lou Gherig’s disease”?  I was kind of surprised but not much, for this did happen once in a while with us, having the same thoughts at the same time.  In any case a couple of years later he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. 

So for the last 6 years it has been a slow slide down hill.  He lives quite a distance from me, so we don’t speak much any more.  He has trouble talking over the phone, so I talk to his wife Fran.  She is the main caregiver; Mike helps out when he can, for he himself has a wife and four kids.  She sounds very tired over the phone, yet she continues to care lovingly for her husband.

Later that day I called Mike back.  He informed me that Fred also has double pneumonia, which is serious, especially in the weakened condition Fred is in.  He talked about his struggle with him being able to let his Father go; which I of course understood.   He also informed me that they are talking about putting in a feeding tube, which from what I am told Fred does not want.  So I don’t know how this will turn out.  Fran wants to do what Fred wants; Mike may not be able to do that, for again he is Fred’s eldest son, and also the closest to his father.  I just hope this does not cause a rift in the family.

As I was talking to Mike, his voice reminded me of Fred’s.  They sound just alike.  He writes like his dad, and as a teacher, he truly loves the children in his care, and again like Fred, speaks his mind when he thinks things are not done in the schools for the children’s benefit.  So Fred has done a good job as a coach and a father.  He was and is not perfect, but God preserve us from perfect people.  I have known a few and they are impossible to be with for any length of time. 

So Fred is 70 now and I am 60.  I don’t want to go back, for out path is forward, yet when I think about our friendship, the past in remembering plays a beautiful part. I don’t think there are any regrets in my knowing of Fred.  He is an outstanding man, who will leave behind a legacy of beautiful children that both he and his wife Fran raised with great sacrifice.  Something any good parent is aquatinted with.

The past

The past remembered
just seems like yesterday,
imprints that fold time into the now,
always a shock how time flows,
ever faster it seems,
yet I would have it no other way.

There is a time for endings
it is simply the nature of things,
as well as suffering and letting go,
difficulties and joys
points of reference on the road,
allowing memories to shine.

The gift of friendship one of life’s great gifts,
giving depth and beauty to all who partake,
for trust is not easily gained
a gift we bestow to each other.

When love is offered and friendship,
only regret when the freely given gift denied
for we are made to expand,
our hearts need to grow,
for that to is the nature of things,
to become ever closer
to the image in which we are made.

A fact of life

A fact of life

People will often say that it is not death they fear, but the actual process of dying. I think that may be true for most people.  For after all, you’re alive, and then the next moment your dead, the dying process however can actually takes decades for many.  Aging is a death process that speeds up of course after a certain age for the majority that live to be adults; well at least in the first world.   I have no doubt that if I lived in a poorer country, I would have died long ago.  For instance, I would most likely have died in my early sixties if I was not able to get a pace-maker put in.  In the year 2000 while visiting my good friend Dr. Glen Johnson, as he was giving me a pre-op physical, he discovered that I had very high blood pressure.  He mentioned to me that if he was not a cardiac specialist he would have had to take me to the ER.  Who knows how long my blood pressure was that high.  So without my BP medicines, I doubt I would go long without having a stroke of some kind….in any case, may get one anyway, that is how my dad died.  “My dad myself”, as the saying goes sort of, I changed it a tad.

It is not hard to accept the fact that aging is a fact of life, since many have to go through it.  To think of ones death is another matter all together.  As Freud stated:  “when we think of our own death, we do so as an observer”,…we don’t observe our deaths of course; so that exercise is for the most part a waste of time.  We will each experience it if we are in fact conscious when we die.  Most of us won’t be I believe.  It is our aging bodies that bring to mind our decease and since we can project into the future, this will for some lead to a great deal of anxious concern, for others, not much, until they get the word from their doctor that they have months or at most a few years to live. 

There are believers and atheist who are terrified of death, as well as those in both camps who don’t seem to be.  So to fear death or not to fear it has nothing to do with ones faith, I am not sure why some fear death and others don’t, at least on a conscious level.  I would assume that the instinct to survive assures that there is fear on some level.  I doubt most of us would make it through life if there was no actual fear, even if it is instinctual only.  Humans are not bound by instinct, but it still has some control over our lives.  In areas where it does not, there is often self destructive chaos. 

As a care-giver, I have found that most people who reach a certain age seem to lose their fear of death from a very deep place.  I have heard the same goes for children.  I have also experienced that very few are actually conscious when they die.  The body, when organ failure sets in and ones toxicity increases, tends to fall into a deep slumber, if not an actual coma, which of course also happens.  The body sedates itself it seems when death approaches for most.   Those dying can be aroused for short periods of time, or they may rally for a time, but they soon fall back into a deep sleep.    

When I was in the VA for my pace-maker, it did hit me that death could happen at anytime, as well as how easy it is to get sick, or to have a bodily organ suddenly without warning, to show itself as a danger to one ongoing survival.  At that time there was no fear, in fact I got the feeling that I was at the beginning of an ever wider road that was opening up before me.  However that does not mean that the next time I get an intimation of my morality that I will be so sanguine.  As I said above, the survival instinct will insure some level of the fear of death, which is what keeps us going I believe in this crazy, wonderful world, which is also filled with deep suffering along with the times of intense joy.

 

The hearts true home

The hearts true home

Let me learn Lord that the beauty I see in others, and yes the longings that go with it, point to your beauty and my hearts true home.  Friendship, marriage and belonging are ways that draw us deeper into the mystery of our aloneness, and no matter how deep our relationships become, that inner emptiness will never be filled by the finite, but only by infinite love.  Our hearts are made to expand eternally in a relationship of love and union and ecstasy.  What is tasted here for a short time, or sought after for a life time, is fulfilled in your loving embrace O Lord. May it be so for all of your creation, who seek you in their search of truth, beauty and yes love; the root of it all.

As water is for the body,
so is love for the soul.

We can drown

We can drown

Truth seems to be owned by everyone, or so it is lived out.
Something inward, subjective, ones own against all others.
What is thought…. is truth, or what is perceived, is obvious.
Ones religion, political party, or lack of, both are embraced tightly,
A fortress against all others who dare to think or believe otherwise.

God is like a spider living in the corner of one’s bedroom,
Small, figured out, books used to buttress ones position,
Holy writ, philosophers, men of science, used are perhaps abused,
Building up higher and higher walls to protect ones truth against the others.

We can drown in surety, causing havoc in a world already gone mad,
Our religions lead to idolatry, cheap god’s in our image and likeness,
Urging us on to fight for the light, using darkness as a means to a bloody end,
Innocents destroyed; children, the only ones pure, are slaughtered for truth.

A circle of true believers joined by true non-believers pointing fingers,
Perhaps raising clenched fist against all others, for a just and good cause.
The earth drunk on blood, bodies torn asunder all for the sake of truth;
Meanwhile the crippled, lame, those mentally destroyed multiply rapidly.

Being one with my brothers and sisters, the human race, I also sink.
At times drowning, dragged down into irrational insanity, struggling to surface.
In time only to sink again, the battle renewed with my own inner demons,
Archetypal gods of war, often seeking to supplant what Love has sown freely. 

Moloch demands his sacrifice, hungry for the blood of children, women and men,
Killed, murdered, raped, in the name of truth and justice never achieved,
An endless cycle of death and destruction, like a snake eating its own tail,

Devouring itself in an orgy of hatred, rage, revenge and violence, unending.

One day backed into a corner, nowhere to run, or slogans to shout,
No verses from holy books to fling, or philosophies, or science to pontificate,
Surrounding only by what we see, naked truth before us without mercy,
Perhaps then the human race will be open to the grace offered, the cycle ended.

Or perhaps not, the world just an insane asylum, a place where the eternal return rules,
Always ending up in the same place, boring in its regularity, its absurdity,
The snake gorging itself with its own tail, hungry, all consuming, mindless,
Then one day it will end, peace at last for a troubled earth, when we are no more.

Jesus wept.

Woman without teeth

Woman without teeth

As I drove closer to the stop sign,
off the Cleveland exit on 75 North,
I saw her,
the first time I saw a woman there,
usually it is a man,
she was young but looked older,
black hair,
no teeth,
plumb,
I could tell that she was mentally ill.

I cruised a bit to get some money,
the light was green so I could not stop,
slowed down,
reached out,
and like a ring on a merry go round
she grabbed the prize.

Just before she said:

“Good to see you again”,
I wonder who I was for her,
so she walked very fast with me
and kissed my hand,

saying:
“God bless you”.

I felt blessed,
though some say money should not be given,
at least not in the way I do,
perhaps they are right, 

Yet,

One in need,
I have no time to judge,
so at times I need to not know
but only trust,
for Christ dwells in the little ones,
those overlooked and despised,
so that morning
I felt blessed by a child of God, 

Hidden

In a women who looked older than her age,
without teeth,
mentally ill.

A place of searching

A place of searching

This is a strange realm we live in.  A place of searching, of questions, of many choices, turns in the road and yes of many endings, the last of course will be our own ending.  From our births until we die it is a journey with many highs and lows, and lots of valleys, often dark ones that have to be traversed.  There are true forks in the road, but each choice, no matter how little, if it is in fact a choice, will lead to many more avenues that must be chosen.  There is no choice possible to not take one of the turns, since to not choose is in fact a choice to perhaps take a road that leads to greater incapacity in being able to choose and a life lived on the surface, without depth or meaning.  Failures happen because choices are made, so there is no shame in failing, unless a decision is made to stay in that state and to live in despair. 

The reason it is important to grow in self awareness is in the fact that if we don’t, then choices will be made from a place that is often hidden, unconscious and irrational.  Fear and anxiety may then be the true rulers of life, with anger being the shield that can become a protector from looking honestly and oneself no matter how painful that process may be.  In other cases it may be fear that is the protector, causing a withdrawal from life into an ever narrowing landscape.  Anger and fear are good aspects of the self, as well as anxiety if they are dealing with the world and real threats…. it is when they become central to ones life that they can block out the light of a deeper, broader and more loving life.   There will always be suffering; it is the types of suffering we are willing to endure that will perhaps dictate the kind of life we will lead. 

I believe that life is a process of choosing on a daily basis on what kind of a human being we wish to be.  We can’t get away from this reality.  No matter what are lives are, be it one of riches, or we have a family to take care of, if we are single and alone; each day will present situations wherein we must choose how we will react.  It can be a long road, with many losses along the way, but there is always hope I believe for everyone. 

I believe that we all think in terms that flow from our core beliefs.  We may say we believe one thing, but act on a daily basis in others ways.  Our constant behaviors that we exhibit to the world, is I believe what we truly hold to be true.  Any belief system that is worthy, will take a life time to understand, even then, death will come at a time when most of us will still be on the journey seeking to understand as well as to live more deeply what we profess.  I believe it is important to be rooted in a tradition, so that other traditions can be studied in ways that will deepen and expand ones insight into the path being walked upon. 

I think in the terms of Jesus Christ, his life, death and resurrection.  The formulas of any faith or philosophical system that is attempted to be lived, will lead to deeper understandings of the mysteries involved with each life.  It is helpful to read from ones own tradition deeply in order to be able answer when people try to reduce the chosen faith to a simple stereotype.  It is also helpful to struggle with all that is not right and face evil that is always present in any human system, be it political, scientific or religious.  I personally believe that many leave their past beliefs behind too early and miss out on the importance for fighting for what one believes.  The way of fighting in this regard is to seek deeper understanding and insight.  Not to attack without, but to struggle within.

Today, many lines have been drawn in the sand.  It is mostly absurd, much of it adolescent, because in order to understand another’s outlook on life, it is necessary to actually seek understanding from a position of not seeking to prove someone wrong, but to try to understand what is truly believed and why it is lived out.  To be a moderate Christian for example, is to not be weak in the faith, but to have a faith strong enough to be able to listen to others and learn, and to even incorporate at times aspects of other systems that will only deepen ones own.  Fear is what makes for argument, contempt and discounting of others.  Debates can be good if it leads to the above, but if it about winning, then it is just entertainment, sort of like watching a boxing match on TV, just lots of punches and then it is over, with no one watching changed at all. 

On the level of discourse, of having people around a table seeking to understand one another, it is then, that the understanding that we live in a world where truth can be found, yet on many levels we simply can’t understand, nor perhaps should we, the deeper broader picture.  For some faith is an escape from reality, for me, faith allows the one who bears it to face life with al of its aspects and still retain hope and love in ones heart. 

The cost of mercy

The cost of mercy

What does it mean when someone accepts mercy, or asks for forgiveness and receives it?  Many people seem to think that mercy is an affront to justice, when in fact it can go hand in hand with it.  In human relationships, the showing of mercy can off set the power that an evil, or hurtful action, can have on ones life.  Without mercy or forgiveness, the seeds of evil can take deep root in those who are its victims, thus allowing the cycle to continue perhaps for generations.  Justice can still be administered, but the element of revenge can be expunged from the mix.  For often justice is just a mask for revenge, even when it is done through legal avenues.  When this happens, when revenge is present, then the evil done lives on it those who harbor vengeful thoughts.  Understandable, for I am human and know how difficult it is to let go of past hurts. 

To extend mercy is freeing.  The one who is the beneficiary however may not understand it, or accept it.  Or if he does, it may take time for the work of mercy to bring up the reality of the evil done, by the wrongdoer.   I feel that mercy proffered by one human to another is a sign of grace in the world, a shadow of the divine reality of what mercy really is.  Of which I believe, we are all in need of.  Not only from those whom we know and love on occasion, but also from God, who is revealed as infinite mercy and love.  Mercy does not engender neurotic guilt, but brings out the reality of our human existential condition.  One aspect of our situation is that by nature we are self centered; how could it be otherwise?  So we are capable of acts towards others that can cause deep pain and anguish and not really be aware of it. For the objectifying of others is more common than normally understood.  It is like we are all pawns on a chessboard trying to become Queens and Kings so that we can move others around for our comfort and pleasure. 

Sometimes mercy can be understood and its cost in asking and receiving it, when on occasion something hurtful or cruel is done to a loved one; someone central to ones life and existence’, a wife, husband, friend etc.  I have experienced this.  The reality of the injustice done can cause deep wells of sorrow and suffering and yes guilt in acknowledging responsibility.  In fact the deeper the love of another, so is the corresponding need to accept that the act was one freely committed, that no recourse is sought out, no only responsibility taken for what was done in freedom.  So the asking for forgiveness is not something lightly undertaken, when love is at the center of the issue.  So the asking and the receiving, is both liberating and also purifying, for it must be brought to the light of day, expressed, mercy asked and hopefully received.  On the human level, when mercy is received, the relationship deepens and matures on both sides.  So mercy trumps justice more often than not, in personal, loving, relationships.

What Peter did in denying Christ, was in some aspects, worse than what Judas committed.  So when Jesus asks Peter three times did he love him, perhaps it was something necessary, to take Peter deeper and deeper into what he actually did.  For each time Peter answered in the affirmative that he loved the Lord, his yes came from a deeper part of his soul that was being healed by the mercy of Jesus.  So yes the deeper the love, the more painful and fruitful, is the asking and the receiving of mercy. 

Mercy leads to healing, which can take years to accomplish as maturity takes hold and inner honesty takes deeper root.  So mercy is yes a grace, freely given not only by God but also by humans (again I feel a sign of grace active in the world), that is like a leaven, that slowly does its work as we continue on our journey.   Perhaps that is what the ‘life review’ is about, that are lived out by those who have a “near death experience”.  For we often hurt those whom we have little attachment towards, so in the end, all must be brought to mercy, but on a level so deep that all of our actions that are hurtful, cruel and yes evil, must be brought to light and our hearts and spirits, broken before God’s loving gaze.  For while mercy is free, it cost dearly, one that leads to cleansing, healing and ever deeper movement into the very heart of God and the mystery of infinite compassion. 

The quality of Mercy

The quality of Mercy

When speaking about mercy there can be turns in the road, or forks even, were different aspects can be pondered.  Like many other topics on the spiritual life, different facets can be dwelt upon, to the exclusion of others.  Sometimes the best way to try to understand mercy, both human and Divine (though the mystery of the Infinite will always be that; mystery), is to contemplate how we experience it in our every day life.  Both on the receiving end and in the giving as well…..also observing it being distributed in the dramas played out around us.

Often when I am in the emergency room with a charge, I will often hear a sound that truly tears at the human heart.  It is the wailing of incomprehension, of a very small child, having some kind of medical intervention done.  I would think there are few people in the world who are not affected by such a sound.  Here is a child, not understanding why its parents are allowing something truly horrible and painful being done to it, and doing nothing to help.  No matter how deeply it screams and looks to its parents for assistance, they do nothing. They just sit there and allow the nightmare to play out.  Being adults, we know what is going on. The parents are in reality, because of their love and compassion, having mercy on the child. Doing what is necessary for its well being and physical health.   Also because of the youth of the child, it may have little or no understanding of the pain that it is causing the parents, to have to watch and bear the suffering of their beloved child.    Yet they would do nothing to stop it, would not want to in fact.  Such is mercy, doing what is necessary for the well being of another, not matter what the cost.

In the parable of the ‘Prodigal Son’ we can see this also.  For when the son asked his father for his inheritance; he was in fact saying that he wished his father dead.  He, the father, being an obstacle to what he desired, the simple satiation of his greed, was simply in the way of that.  The father understanding this, still out of love and yes mercy, allowed his son to go. To leave the father’s love, and embrace, for the wider world, a place filled with danger, pain and possibly death.  In one commentary that I have read on this parable, the author stated that in Jewish culture at that time, what the son did was an offense punishable by death, so the father again showed mercy by simply letting the son go. 

So the son got what he desired and I guess lived the merry life, which is available for those who have the money to expend on it.  Of course it ran out.  Also the many ‘friends’ he acquired left him and went on to greener pastures.  As is known, he ended up feeding pigs, a possible metaphor of how degraded he had become, both morally, as well as his abysmal poverty.  So on thinking (for he was I guess narcissistic), he thought that he would return to his father’s house and become his slave.  He just wanted food and a place to sleep, for he knew that he would get better treatment working for his father, than he was where he was at.  It seems to me that it was not motivated out of love, but of simple need.  So he was willing to live a life of servitude to his father.  I am not sure the thought of mercy even occurred to him.  For he himself was most likely merciless himself, in his treatment of others when he was rich. 

The father, knowing his son, his callowness and lack of regard for others, most likely knew what would become of him.  So against the advice of his family, he kept vigil for his son, perhaps making a fool of himself in the process, for again the son did a grievous wrong in asking for his part of the inheritance.   In the same commentary mentioned above, the author also said that the son, if he returned and the father was not there to protect him, could have been severely punished by those in the village, perhaps even killed.  For again, what he did was at that time a very serious crime. 

So one day he saw his son, and filled with joy ran to greet him and yes to also possibly to protect him.  In doing so he also made a spectacle of himself, for a man of his dignity, to run to greet an inferior was unheard of, for indeed his son was his inferior.  He met the son, and before the son could say anything, the Father embraced him, welcomed him back and in the process overwhelming the son.  For again the son was most likely unable to show such mercy and compassion on others.  So the father’s mercy was something freely given.   The father’s allowing the son to go was also a mercy.  The son’s degradation, his suffering was also the fruit of the father’s mercy.  The coming back, even if the motives were childish and self centered, was yes also a mercy. Again the fruit of the father allowing the son to go, to do what he willed, to suffer the consequences of his choices, is true mercy. 

Mercy does always mean that there is a happy ending.  If the above story really happened as Jesus portrayed it, it does not mean that the son could not have done the same thing again, taking advantage of the mercy given to him.  Even though mercy is always available, offering new life, a new beginning, there is no assurance that it will be accepted or even wanted.  For the prodigal son returned out of need, not love, but it was enough for the father to extend it. 

Perhaps in order for mercy to truly take hold, we need to learn from our experience of receiving it, and by doing so, in understanding the sheer gift that it is, learn to extend it to others.  Receiving and giving, give and take, a constant stretching of the heart with grace as the seed that was first planted.  So our coming and our going, our sufferings, our failures, our illness and losses, they are all mercies given to us by God.  Though we can scream and look to God for a certain kind of assistance, as a child does towards it parents, yet mercy dictates that we have to drink our own chalice, empty it. 

When Jesus stated that we should become as little children, perhaps one aspect of that, is to simply keep the ability alive to be able to scream at God, enraged that he seems not to care or help. When in reality because of our youth, we do not understand the deep all consuming suffering God experiences with us, deeper than the most loving of parents, indeed infinite.  Infinite love is not human love, it is greater, hotter, and more passionate, and yes ‘seemingly’ crueler than anything humans can do to one another.   Mercy demands great faith from us.  A child has to in the end, learn that loving parents simply do what they must, and the child must simply endure.  Humility, the most childlike of the virtues, allowing us to stand naked before God and to be truthful about whatever it is we are going through.  For in humility we know that God sees truth, sees us, and loves us.  So whatever we say, express, is known already by God. 

Love cast out fear.

Looking upward or downward

Looking upward or downward

(Mercy Sunday 2013)

Trust is about looking upward and not downward.  What do I mean by that?   Perhaps the main struggle that is faced in the spiritual life is not in the many moral situations what we face, for we all fail, at times we fail in grievous ways, though they may not be thought of in that way.  Most people have specific struggles that accompany them throughout their lives.  It could be some kind of addiction.   Drugs or alcohol or perhaps some kind of sexual compulsion, that is quite common in those who also seek God.     Or it could be anger, or sloth, or perhaps there are some who can’t stand to be wrong, who gossip.  Yes, most of us have something that we struggle with.  Some with perhaps many of the above at the same time and in their mind at least, may seem that the more they seek to come closer to God, the worse they become.  Such is self knowledge that accompanies us all on the spiritual path.   There are also those who seem not to struggle with much at all and they may have a tendency to look down on those who do struggle and fall.  This could be the worst of all, the pride that comes with placing oneself above others.  The more we are wounded, the deeper our struggles will be; yet also our compassion and empathy for others.

Self knowledge is a two edge sword and it cuts both ways.  It wounds and heals at the same time, if the one experiencing this inner pain does not retreat into despair, or perhaps some kind of frenzied activity, that in the end only makes things worse.  Despair is a total turning inward on our conflicted and torn inner nature, a giving up, allowing one-self to be beaten down by overly focusing on our perceived character and not on the mercy of God.  To look downward is to place oneself within a circle and seeking to hide from God, thinking that salvation is beyond the pale for them.  I suppose many on the path have been there, but did not stay.  Perhaps been there many times and have come out of it.  The light returns in spite of oneself, allowing for the journey to begin once again, but on a level deeper than what went before.  In time because of the light that returns and beckons, we learn faster for some, slower for others, to look upward.

Jesus said:  “Fear is useless, what is needed is trust”.  Trust and fear cannot exist together, either one is in the ascendency while the other weakens.  Fear is an instinctive response before something that is perceived as a threat.  There is no choice to be made, we simply allow an old way of life to dictate to us how we react.  Trust is another matter; it is based on a conscious choice to turn away from fear, to state that no matter how many times there is failure, no matter what my insides tell me, I can still make an act of trust in God’s mercy and love.  Trust allows the soul to become other centered, into a greater reality that is part of an eternal journey into love and union.

Like Jacob we all struggle with God, and like Jacob we are wounded in the struggle through self knowledge and in that process we make a covenant with God.  In this covenant, it is God who is faithful, who calls us back, and calls us to continue our journey even if we do limp or crawl at times on the way.    

As we mature and look back at our darkest moments.  When we failed, or wandered off the path, or gave up in inner rage, and see that all along Jesus was with us.  The infinite is impossible to imagine.  Infinite love, unending mercy, compassion that is deeper than any ocean, is something that we learn slowly in this life.  One step at a time…One choice to trust at a time…and in that fire of trust is our healing, the opening of our hearts at ever deeper levels.

  

We are pilgrims on the way

We are pilgrims on the way

A winding down is our lives;
roots deepen as  the limbs and foliage
slowly wear down and are let go of;
our vitality and beauty traded for something else;
a look of being worn out from the journey,
seeing the end but still taking that one step,
then another, until no steps are possible,
then perhaps there is waiting,
just being, even if it can be a painful process,
 so much in life is filled with hurting,
yet we just take that step,
whether it is an outer movement
or the promptings of the soul;
as pilgrims we are moving towards that point
when all must be let go of,
and our journey continues in ways yet unknown.

My chosen path

My chosen path

 

I was watching on YouTube an episode of “Thinking twice”.  This program host debates, some of which I find very interesting.  I was watching one the other day about science and if it has done away with the need for God.  Both sides were courteous in presenting their points and I enjoyed listening to them. 

As I age I am beginning to understand how difficult it is for two opposing sides to communicate with one another, at least to the point where either side feels listened to.  As a Christian I of course listened more closely to those who I agree with it and less so, though it was not intentional, to those with whom I did not share their views. 

On the level of debate, I doubt truth will ever be found, though points can be made from one side to the other.  It is a gift to be able to face opponents, to state points as well as to listen to their position and observations.  It is of course all about language and how we interrupt others, which has it roots in our preconceived world view, or narrative, in how we deal and seek to understand reality.

Everything has been said I believe.  Perhaps it is the intolerance that needs to be addressed that is often present when two different world views collide.  It can bring out the worst in both sides of the fence.  I believe that contempt is based on fear of the other point of view, even if it is unconscious.  For it would seem obvious that people who think about their beliefs and keep them, have found good reason to do so.  Why it is so hard to respect that is perhaps not so difficult to understand.  My own inner life, my heart and my fears are good teachers in how easily I can fall into the same trap. 

We all need to make ‘jumps’ for those we know and love if their world view is different than ours.  I have non-Christian friends who are seekers after truth do that for me.  For as a devout Christian, I do use language that reflects that when dealing with the mysteries of life.  So why would I not expect that from those who come from a different perspective.  None of us has to give in, or give up or beliefs when we respect the journey of others in their own journey of understanding.  When heads collide, it is our egos that can cause all the trouble, since being in control and having all the answers is of great importance, while listening and dealing with the emotions that come with seeking to understanding others comes from somewhere else entirely.  That is why anxiety can be present, for we walk on a path that is ever knew when we seek to understand others and to at least seek to listen to them. 

I have chosen my path, I seek to deepen it, and I should give that right to others as well. 

Life and patience

Life and patience

I am not sure anything worthwhile can be done without patience.  There is always a time when events will go contrary to what one wants.  Having a tantrum usually does not work the way that is desired.  When tired, or feeling overwhelmed, then it is time to slow down and center, or if not, to become more scattered, tired and irritable.  Still learning about that, a life long process I guess.  I swear sometimes I act like I am seven years old when I allow my inner-grouch to get in control.  I suppose it is an aspect of the so called inner-child having an attack of the terrible two’s.  It would be so simple if I were really the center of it all, but I am not…….so best try to do better and learn.