Slowly approaching his eternal life

Fr. Luke

(Slowly approaching his eternal life)

Fr. Luke still has moments of activity, focusing on his present task.  Yesterday he wanted to get up and make finger rosaries.  So I got him up, but made a deal with him….he had to eat some breakfast before he began work.  So he promised to eat and he did.  He then spent the rest of the morning making the rosaries.  He was only able to do four, but he worked with deep concentration. 

At about 11, three hours after I got him up, he told me his back was starting to hurt.  So I said, finish this last rosary and I will get you back to bed.  He asked me to add the crosses which I was happy to do.  Rafael came up about ten minutes later and we both got Luke into bed; he was exhausted.  So he pretty much slept for 20 straight hours and then he awoke again.  I gave him some coffee and pastries which he asked for.  I promised to take him to 11 AM mass today and will get him up at 9:30 and give him breakfast.  After mass if he is up to it, I will see if he wants to eat with the community, or if he is tired, put him back to bed.

His sleeping time is increasing as his energy level continues to diminish.  He is at peace, happy and is becoming gentler as he nears his death….when that will be; only God knows.  He loves life, people and making his rosaries, perhaps that is enough to keep him here a while longer.

I love the way he says ‘Ok”, when I ask him to do something; funny how the littlest things can give joy, or perhaps I am getting old enough to actually see the ‘little things’.

Deeper into hope (Holy Saturday)

Deeper into hope

Christ Jesus body lay in darkness, surrounded by the cold and nothingness of death.  Its grip hard and heavy; seeking to bring Jesus into death’s kingdom, the cessation of hope, love, warmth and true life, is death’s scepter, despair all it has to offer.  So now it is a period of waiting, hoping and seeking understanding of this great Christian mystery, the salvation of mankind though love.  The grave awaits all of us, with its cold dark embrace.  Yet the sun will again rise and the resurrection of Jesus brings us deeper into hope, giving deeper meaning to the meaning of love, mercy and healing.

Conversion

Conversion

When conscious conversion is sought after; the turning away from aspects of oneself that are destructive towards self or others, it leads to humility and empathy, because of the struggle and persistence that is involved.  The road to inner freedom is slow and an often painful process.  Grace is what calls us to begin the journey; it is our response to an invitation. The seed is planted and watered by love; though growth can be slow and often hidden from oneself and others.  That is why judging is so odious, for we can only go forward in hope and not look back in shame; useless baggage has to be let go of, it is part of the death to aspects of self that cuts us off  from not only others but from the Love that calls us, the Transcendent. 

The care-giver connection
(a common human experience)

Waiting can be exhausting.  In care-giving when the end of the journey is in sight, there is a connection with the patient that intensifies.  It has nothing to do with the actual work in caring for them.  It is deeper, a connection that is forged from possibly years of interaction.  In caring for others there is an intimacy forged that is different from any other relationship.   There can be conflicting emotions involved that are normal and natural.  A hope that death does not come soon and at the same time, wanting some relief from the waiting and tension, which is I suppose is a form of suffering on both sides. 

As death nears, the connection deepens and no matter where the caregiver is, that connection cannot be broken….which at least for me can be exhausting.  In any case, it is simply part of the human experience, and like all human experiences brings with it joy and sorrow. Just another dance, that needs to be played through to the end, allowing closure at last to happen. 

One day, I know the roles will be reversed and I will be the one being cared for.  I hope I can get through it with the grace that many I have cared for have done. 

In the end, many have to go through this at least once or twice in their lives, when they take care of their parents, or other family members.  We are all in line; we are just not sure when our number will be called to make this journey, both as care-giver and care-receiver.

How?

How?"How do I trust" he asked me,
I responded "you simply make the act,
believe it in spite of how you feel
and look towards Jesus,
it sounds simple and it is,
but easy, no,
it is swimming against the tide,
yet slowly healing will come.The love of God is the only stable point
in our chaotic world.

The heart

The heart

The human heart has deep longings,
seeking love that only worsens it's thirst,
no rest for those who are inwardly alive,
for those not,
there is the depression that flows
from protection of oneself from the pain
that love involves.

Conversion and lent

Conversion and lent

During the Lenten season, conversion is a watchword that is used, to try to get to the central issue of the seasons meaning.  The meaning of the word ‘conversion’ is to turn away from one thing, towards another.  I suppose the word could have negative as well as positive connotations.  Mortal and venial sin are concepts that Catholics are aware of and play a role in how the word conversion is understood.  For instance, to sin mortally is turn towards something as a ‘good’, at the expense of all else.  So mortally sinning is also a conversion, from one thing towards another.  I guess if you use marriage as an example of this kind of thing; adultery would be a mortal wound to a marriage, a sin towards the wife, children, and yes in some way the culture lived in also.  For the destruction of a marriage, have consequences that go far beyond just the act itself.  It is life changing, and in its wake great harm is done to more than one person.  It is a ripple effect that can have repercussions that extend for well over one generation.  No act is really done in isolation, for our connections are deep and meaningful, so they have the power to hurt deeply or even heal even deeper.  Of  course adultery is an easy example for the harm done is there for all to see, however others ‘sins’ can do their damage in ways that are more hidden, but none the less harmful.

Inner and outer changes

Inner and outer changes

Openness to life, to its open ended-ness, comes about from long experience from learning about the cycles of life.  The sunshine comes out, but then so do the dark clouds that bring inner storms.  Personal moral failures, the common but deeply painful tragedies and problems of life, force us to make choices and to hopefully live by them.  The integration of our longings for wholeness and that aspect of self that seeks escape from reality even if it is self destructive, takes time, decades for most.  For me, I am still in the middle of it all, yet there is inner movement.  It is as if this growth happens because I am simply open and trying, that whatever causes this deep healing is something over and beyond my own struggles. In the end, it depends on conscious choices to trust in life’s goodness and meaning.  We can experience failure as falling forwards or backwards… the death to the normal way of doing things is a slow and painful one and the path often opaque if not hidden altogether.  

Love of self

Love of self

There are reasons that Christ calls us to love our neighbor as ourselves, which is something often forgotten by those on the path. There is a false sense of humility, of which I fall into, that goes directly against this commandment of Christ. How I think I can love others but still hold pockets of contempt and little regard for myself is something I am still trying to work through. For if truth be told, I am often the least that Christ identifies with, therefore I am called upon to minister to that. How? Well I think despair, despondency, wanting to give up; are counter to the virtue of humility. There is nothing humble by being angry at myself because I am not strong, or perfect, since the truth is that I am indeed in need of God’s compassion and mercy, that is what being a sinner is all about.
Being a sinner means that there is a level responsibility that I can take for my life, own up to it, and simply continue on my journey towards the light. Neurotic guilt is a waste of time, though it can be difficult to overcome; this form of self centeredness. Real guilt, over real sin, leads to deeper insight and helps in the conversion process. Guilt of the neurotic kind, just leads me in circles, like a dog chasing his tail. I sin, I fall, and I get up and move on. Or I sin, I fall and then I wallow in self pity and castigate myself because I am not perfect, or I can’t make myself perfect. Best to trust in infinite mercy, than to try to somehow keep oneself from failing on the road upwards, for it will happen. For the road to true freedom is arduous, no need to add the burden of a lack of trust in God’s love for each and every one of us.
The paradox of leading a spiritual life is the deeper one goes the more that is seen. For the more light that is shown, the less that can be hidden; defenses drop. So the truth, which really does set us free, can be seen according to ones ability to perceive. Humility is the ability to see it all without becoming overwhelmed with dejection, for humility is based on truth. It also dictates that love upholds us, and the light is there for our own good, so it takes courage and yes, I guess I could use the word ‘self esteem’, to truly grow in the humbleness. To truly allow oneself to be led by grace, deeper into the relationship God is calling us all to.
Failure is an important part of any path, for that is how learning is accomplished. It is when wisdom is not garnered from life’s lessons that the trouble starts. Again, love of self is the only way that true wisdom can be won. For again, Jesus said; “Love your neighbor as yourself”. Again being a sinner points to freedom, for without freedom there is no sin (that is called compulsion), which leads to hope and trust in the ongoing mystery of life.
We are not as free as we perhaps suppose, yet that freedom grows with trust in God and in letting go of self hatred and contempt. The main lesson to learn, of which I am still a novice at, is when weakness is felt, then it is time to “let go and let God”, as the saying goes. It is just not a cliché, but an actual truth. So fall, get up and perhaps fall again….. Well so be it, just love self enough to continue on the slow rocky road to union with Divine Love, that in the end make all things work out for the good; no matter how dark things seem. Now that is humility, the acceptance of that, truth that truly flows from the heart, watered by the free gift of God’s grace.

The finest wine

The finest wine

Luke is taking to the air,
not being confused or lost,
just going over his life
talking to someone listening,
going over his youth,
talking to Christ I guess
who is infinite patience.

Talking about his conversion,
his life of seeking God’s love and will,

So I went into his room and he smiled

Looked at me, welcoming;

we talked for a short while,
he asking me why he is still here,

I responded:

“Perhaps because you bring so much joy”

He smiled and then laughed.

So I put out the light,
and within minutes he began again,
going over his life,
just speaking truth,
though I don’t listen in
just get bits and pieces
of a man who loves God
and perhaps getting things in order
by reviewing his life.

I told him a few weeks ago,

“Luke you’re like a ripe apple
waiting to drop from the tree,
but one filled with the finest wine”.

It is important to be attentive to the fact that life is most likely more open ended than we would like to believe.  Knowing this can lessen our instinct to be overly defensive when talking with others.

Projecting our crap

Projecting our crap

Everyone from my experience and yes that includes me as well, tend to over focus on how people from any group are the same, talk the same etc.  Also the tendency to focus on the negative is also easy and natural.  We then try to over estimate the good qualities of our own group at the expense of others.  Atheist does this just as much as theist.  Also different beliefs, the stronger they are held, make the opposing sides position seemingly untenable....again atheist and theist do this.

Our beliefs are simply there, we can choose to deepen them or not.  We can also choose to deal in stereotypes and not real people, it is the lazy and easy way to go.  Our world is not in the shape it is in because we tend to be objective and fair in our judgments  of others. 

Atheists are not more intelligent, nor are they more logical than believers.  Many are better at it because they are in the minority and need to defend themselves more. However there are more and more theist who are also getting good at defending their understanding on the nature of reality.  The book shelves are getting full of this kind of thing.  I am thankful for the New Atheist for bringing this dialogue to the public.

Secular governments have a track record just as bloody and inhumane as those who are run by a specific religion.....that is because people who crave power will gravitate to those positions where their passion to control others can be brought to fruition. 

Until we know ourselves, we will continue to judge others harshly, thereby letting ourselves off the hook, why deal with ourselves when we can project all of our crap on to those of another group, be it religious, secular, racial or gender based?

David and his anxiety disorder

David and his anxiety disorder

One of my charges, I will call him David, has congestive heart failure as well as two leaking valves in his heart.  He has had this condition for a few years.  He also last year had a blood clot, even though he was on Warfarin for a few years.  When in the hospital they changed his blood thinner to another type hoping that it would do a better job.  It did not.  While it did work, it made his blood too thin and now he is off of it until we go see his doctor, hopefully tomorrow.  He has gained some weight over the last few days, 15 pounds in fact.  He is very thin, so it does not show, but it manifests itself by his struggle to breathe when he walks.  Hence, the importance of him seeing his doctor first thing on Monday morning; if in fact I don’t have to take him to the ER later on today; which I am trying to offset, he hates the ER. 

Took him in last Friday here in Rockdale County; he fainted and had a concussion.  While in the ER they found that his spleen was bleeding, so he had to go to Atlanta Medical Center on Boulevard ST., here in Atlanta.  They have trauma doctors there.  David has a very serious anxiety disorder, which means he worries about everything equally, be it something serious or mundane.  It can be a difficult dealing with him, but he can’t help it so we all cope who take care of him. 

In the second ER they gave him quick service.  Within an hour after arriving he was seen by the unit nurse, and two doctors, one of them a trauma specialist.  The checked him out, looked at the records sent over from Rockdale Hospital and said he would have to stay a couple of days if not longer.  One reason was because of his spleen, the second because of his blood being so thin.  He was also very dehydrated and was given 3 liters of hydration. 

While there he continued to obsess over, well, everything.  I was tired, it was 2 AM in the morning so I listened for the 12^th time at least over his anxiety driven concerns and simply told him to please stop it, it was doing him no good, nor me, and to try to go to sleep.  To my surprise he did, he fell right to sleep!

Around 3 AM they came in and told me that they had his room.  So we went upstairs.  When we got to his floor they told me to please go to the waiting area and it would take about 30 minutes to an hour to get him settled.  I was tired, so it did not register that this was an ICU unit.  I decided not to wait, but to start the drive back home which is about 45 minutes away.  I did not want to wait an hour or more, since then there would be lots of traffic and did not want to drive in it when I was so tired.  So I left, got home, and went to sleep.

He is of course home now and not doing as well as hoped.  He is not afraid of death, but is about everything else under the vault of heaven.  He explained to me why he is the way he is and I understand.  So once in a while like last night, as we talked before he tried to go to sleep, that he knows that he irritates people with his anxiety.  I replied that it is ok, I don’t expect him to be able to change that, but he needs to understand that I am also human with limitations and from time to time I will call him on his constant worrying, not to make him guilty or out of a desire to change, but that I have reached a certain limit and need a time out.  My irritation with him will pass, and I love him and actually like taking care of him.

David does have a great sense of humor, dryer than the sands in the desert, which is the kind I like.  So often we also laugh over his good jokes and observations’.  One lesson from being a care giver is that I have limits and need to speak up, or burn out…..I choose to speak up and at the same time let those I take care of, of my love and concern for them, and that my present inability to deal with an issue will pass, often very quickly.  Just speaking it is enough.

What is mercy?

What is mercy?

Mercy for others can often be difficult to understand, in particular when it comes to heinous crimes.  The abuse of children comes to mind, especially when it is sexual in nature.  There is much in this world that cries out for justice and this desire is the strongest when a loved one is wronged, hurt, or their life taken away.  Then there are the ‘little’ things that can affect us.  Sin is a hard concept to understand, until it becomes personnel, then it is shown for the horror that it is, its power to destroy others and to leave only bitterness for many for the rest of their lives.

Justice and vengeance are fraternal twins, not identical but close enough where they can be confused one for another.  However when anyone commits an act of injustice or evil towards another, the one who commits the act will often have ‘good reasons’ for why the act was committed.  A portion of the victimizer’s humanity has to be shut off in order to hurt or destroy another human being.  This shut off could become permanent if it becomes a dedicated way of life.  I believe this happens more often than supposed. 

Mercy can be bestowed by one human being for another, but it does no good for the one who commits the wrong if it is not understood the depth of pain and the injustice committed.  Also mercy is proffered by God for all, yet if again, the extent of ones wrong doing is not understood it may be of little worth or affect.   The heart can be shielded from the pain that mercy bestows, if accepted, a pain deeper than the wrong committed, if understood completely. 

For instance; a good loving parent, or friend, will know when they do some wrong to their children or to a friend.  There is no shield of self righteousness to hide behind, there is only the humility that love bestows, and the seeking after mercy and forgiveness is the fruit of that love.  When a child of a parent or of a friend is shown mercy, then the one who gives it takes on suffering, this happens because justice is not demanded.  However the one who receives, the deeper he or she understands the extent of what they did causes also a deep pain and desire to reach out and find healing in forgiveness.  If mercy is denied, it can throw the one seeking it back on them-selves and lead to deep bitterness and even despair.  If justice is demanded, then the relationship may die, since more often than not revenge is also part of the equation.  The asking for mercy and the receiving is not bestowed without pain and suffering for both parties. 

If a person does not seek mercy, then it is a way to flee from this process and leads to further isolation and alienation from others.  Self-righteousness is its own hell, for without self knowledge that is all that is left.

If the soul allows itself to become a lie, then when shown the painful light of truth and mercy it withdraws into further darkness.  This is a choice, a free choice.  If not, then there is something deeper going on and in the end mercy will triumph, it just may take more time.  However I believe that it is possible to freely decide not to seek mercy, either in this life, or in the next.  Hell is self-righteousness chosen freely for eternity.  Is that possible?  Yes it is.  I see it in myself. This pull towards humility, the earthy virtue of accepting truth about my self, and running away into a safe, small place, alone, isolated. 

Mercy is bestowed; its healing can only be experienced by the depth that it is received.  In the Christian faith conversion means a turning away from one life to another….this entails a species of inner death to self. We are all in need of mercy, we all wound and hurt others, and perhaps most of us run from the implications of the pain we rain down on those around us.  Yet, when it happens to me, I understand, perhaps this is a doorway to understanding what I have done to others and make me more amendable to showing mercy.  While we can do great harm and cause pain, it can often be done in ignorance, so personnel pain can alert us to the sensitivity of others and learn to be merciful. 

God’s love is manifested in mercy, which is also justice.  In the life review in the NDE, I believe that to experience what we have done from the perspective of those we have interacted with, to allow that to happen, is a choice.  If we have become ‘seekers of truth and love’, then we will be open to the reality and truth of the light of God’s love.  If we have become ‘a lie’, then we will turn our backs and what we have become, we embrace for eternity. 

It is easy to forget that Christ Jesus came to save, yet it seems that many Christians only want to judge and add up the body count of those who spend eternity with themselves alone.  The nature of infinite mercy can only be grasped I believe in part by what Christ Jesus went through.  In order to impart mercy, Jesus had to forgo justice, hence his suffering freely chosen and embraced.  When we show mercy, we share in that suffering.  I still am only at the beginning of understanding of what that means.  The popular interpretations that believers have are true in part, but again, infinite love and mercy is not something that can be understood, it can only be experienced and the purifying pain of that can’t be expressed, nor can the joy.  

Oh Lord that I may understand,
for I am always at the beginning,
the mystery deepens
yet your grace calls
allowing my own unknowing
to spur me on.