The treatment of animals

Treatment of animals

A friend of mine sent me this article about a Christian understanding about how we should treat animals and also our enviroment.  This is written by a 7th day Adventist and what he says I believe is balanced, though not all will agree with everthing he  says.  

 Below is my response:  here is the site he sent, I believe well worth reading:  


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Thank you Marko, a wonderful article and I will read it again.  I like what he said about becoming Christ-like in how we relate to others, humans as well as the rest of creation.  When a very young man, in my tweens and early teens (say 13-15) I found myself willing to kill animals, both for fun as well as for food.  I guess many boys go through that faze of life where this has to be expressed so that it can be outgrown.  Or perhaps it is was that way because I was in Panama and surrounded by jungles filled with animals.  So to this day I can recount to myself actions that I now regret, that evoke deep sorrow.  When I was 15 something happened to me, animals took on a more relational aspect and I stopped being unconscious about my ability to inflict pain on these lovely creatures.

I also like the idea of putting on the mind of Christ, the all encompassing compassion that God has for all of his creation.  St. Paul says it in this way that "all of creation groans in anticipation of the fulfillment in Christ":.  I think this should give us pause in how we treat others humans beings most of all as well as animals, both are connected, also in how we treat our environment as well.

I have a strong sense that all or our religions, as well as our spiritual insights are limited and there is much more going on in our world that we may never understand while on this level of reality.  I do know that the Christian faith is about becoming fully human, as I believe Christ Jesus was.  We are still on the way, not bounded by our instincts, but because of that they do havoc in our lives that animals are free from, they have set boundaries that protect them from descending into the evil that we are capable of..

Anything that does not lead to deeper love and compassion is a form of narcissism that I believe we all struggle with…. but not all know about this struggle.  I do know this, that I still struggle with being self centered, narcissistic and yes I still have a deep streak of cruelty that I saw in it all of its rawness when a very young man.  I think I am not alone in this, but that we all struggle in one way or another with our still primitive fear based relationship with the world around us.  Perhaps we all have a deep seated rage about life but keep it hidden and it only shows in how we relate to others.  The more unconscious, the deeper and more encompassing in how we objectify all of reality, use it and discard.

Our paths are dictated to us by what happens in our early years, before 5 years of age.  Then we deal with the cycles of chaos and integration over and over again.  If we don't go deeper, then we get worse and more unconscious of our relationship with the world around us.  It is all  about power, or control, those still seem to be our major focus in dealing with others as well as ourselves......it does not seem to be working.

I believe that the idea of original sin is not far off the mark.  Our problems and struggles are passed on from one generation to the next, and if there is not a way to deal with that the burden gets heavier and all of our knowledge will only add to that sad to say.  I also believe that God's mercy is infinite, God's love is something other, something that can't be understood but it is the bases of all our desires and longings.
I remember when I was in my early 30's, I was looking into the eyes of a cat we had here and I experienced God looking back at me.  God's immanence and transcendence I believe is shown in the Incarnation of Christ.  I know you think differently Marco, but we are not that far apart.  I just decided to delve deeper into my faith heritage, as well as seeking the wisdom of other paths.  Your go more deeply into these other ways of looking at reality and I value that very much.   We meet in our desire to understand and to grow.

I believe that finite means that we are contingent beings, mortal, but with the capacity to grow eternally.  The love we have for God draws us into union, yet the distance between the finite and the infinite will always be infinite.  I like that, for it means that we grow for eternity, we don't rest, unless resting in love is what people mean, but the relationship grows eternally.  On some level, different than ours, God may change with each of us, since he sees the person, not the group.......the profundity of this relationship can't be comprehended I believe in this life.  We are truly children, moving ever deeper into mystery, often a rough and painful road. 

Freedom is a tricky subject

Freedom is a tricky subject

 No one enjoys suffering and it is instinctive and yes good and healthy to find ways to lessen it.  Escaping pain and suffering is simply not possible, at least in this world.  There are many strategies that are tried to escape a certain species of suffering, for each human being is unique in what he or she has to deal with in life.  The frustrating aspect of our lives is that the many attempts to find a way around it, will only make life more stressful and problem filled in the long run.  The more common addictions, the big ones, are often focused on as ways of dealing with life that only deepen ones suffering.  Yet any buffer that is used can do the same harm, even if the so called addiction is common, everyday and underplayed.  In lent many seek to try to limit the power such addictions, often considered benign by many but harmful none the less.

Freedom is a tricky subject.  There are times when I feel strong and can deal with just about anything, though it is based more on a cycle of ups and downs that most of us go through.  Then the times of weakness and struggle come about and the illusion of control is once again shattered.  It is a merry-go-round of willfulness and then the failure of will power.  The weaknesses are many and differ with each person.  For some it is food, for others sex, drugs of all sorts or alcohol.  It could be work; being driven to succeed at all cost for when failure is experienced, the inner chaos and despair is hard to deal with.  It is like a deep knot within the soul that can’t be untied or even cut through. It is a permanent struggle.  Yet there is a deeper process that seems to lessen this painful knot as we age, mature and grow.  Growth is the key word I would say. 

Openness to life, to its open ended-ness, comes about from long experience from learning about the cycles of life.  The sunshine comes out, but then so do the dark clouds that bring inner storms.  Personal moral failures, the common but deeply painful tragedies and problems of life, force us to make choices and to hopefully live by them.  The integration of our longings for wholeness and that aspect of self that seeks escape from reality even if it is self destructive, takes time, decades for most.  For me, I am still in the middle of it all, yet there is inner movement.  It is as if this growth happens because I am simply open and trying, that whatever causes this deep healing is something over and beyond my own struggles. In the end, it depends on conscious choices to trust in life’s goodness and meaning.  We can experience failure as falling forwards or backwards… the death to the normal way of doing things is a slow and painful one and the path often opaque if not hidden altogether.  

Many think faith is based on some kind of fairy tale.  Though they often forget, those who use this argument, that fairy tales do deal with life and they are far from pleasant.  They are filled with good and evil, suffering, injustice and point to the difficult journey that leads to a place where our deepest longings reside and are often so painful that we don’t want to think about them.  In reality none of us can escape from the demands of life.  One way or another we have to at least have the desire to move forward, or to fall back into ever deeper chaos, pain and despair.  The pain that mankind experiences, as well as the pain that I experience, is a wake up call I believe to begin anew, to deal with what causes us unease.  I also believe that actual success, while important, is not the main goal, but to simply remain open and trusting.

Our deepest and most urgent longings are signs that beckon us forward. We seek union with something larger.  We will often project that longing onto those we love, making others into some kind of god that will lift us out of our own inner aloneness and fragmentation.  Perhaps that is one reason love is so painful.  For love often makes us more aware of how deep our hearts are and how our love of others, no matter how profound and fulfilling, still leaves a deeper wound of longing for more.  Love of others will also expand the heart, for in spite of that, the failures, we still seek to love more.  Love and suffering seem to be inseparable here; well that is true after the infatuation falls away.

We seek more life, yet also something different, new, free and liberating.  Our music, our movies, literature, religions and philosophies deal with this inner ‘itch’.  We will each come up with our own ideas about what this is.  Each faith and philosophy will seek to help people to find a way ‘home’. Conceivably for all of us, there is homesickness for something more, deeper and permanent.  Some think that this is an illusion and to believe that there is something more is a form of escape from reality and a waste of time.  Others think that it is faith that gives us the courage to face life with all of its rigors and to be open to the Infinite, the loving presence that journeys with us all the days of our lives and beyond.  I choose faith, because the other choice makes no sense to me, for I see the Infinite all around me and especially in the wonder and depth of those I meet in my life and have come to love and respect deeply.

Parental pain

Parental pain

Last Sunday Tom came up to me and gave me a note. It was from a woman who wanted to speak to me about the loss of her son. From the note I learned that he was only 33 years old and died from cancer. So I started over to the retreat house praying that I could be of some little use to her. For when it comes to the loss of a child, what really can be said?

I went to the dinning area and saw a woman sitting at one of the tables, I asked if her name was Ida (not her real name) and she said “yes, are you Mark” and I nodded my head. After that briefest of introductions I lead her to one of rooms that are used here to see people. She was small and slight, but gave off an impression of inner strength and determination, though the suffering that she was going through could also be seen and even felt. The faces of those who are going through loss have a certain dignity to them that helps in giving them the attention that they need and deserve. They can be avoided but never ignored.

So she talked about her son, who was also her friend. She talked about his deep religious nature and how that helped him to deal with his disease, which at times was very painful. All that can be done is to simply listen and perhaps say something once in awhile, but the pain that mother’s and father’s go through at the loss of child must be the very worst thing any loving parent can experience.

She told me that she believes “that she will never be happy again”, and can live with that. “For isn’t life about more than just being happy?” I did say a few things, one of them was that she is still living by faith and hope and because of that there is still joy, though not felt at this time. For she still wanted to live and was in fact doing that and that one day, impossible as it may sound, happiness will come again. Though the inner emptiness of her loss will probably be with her for the rest of her life, for we never really get over the loss of a loved one. The intensity changes, that is times gift, but it never goes away, perhaps another gift.

I told her about a brother I lost when he was only three days old way back in 1958 when I was nine years old. And even though I did not see him, or hold him, there are times when I feel the loss, which seems to get deeper as I age (which does in fact surprise me). So no, we carry our losses, and they get more numerous as we age, but that is the price for loving, and it is worth it. Love is what keeps our hearts alive and paradoxically, so does loss, if we do not become bitter, or close off our hearts, because of fear of even further losing of those we love. Love makes us vulnerable, which is also what keeps the heart and soul alive.

The path of parenthood is perhaps the most difficult of all and the fear of losing a child is in all likelihood one of its heaviest burdens. Both my mother and father talked to me about their fear of out living their remaining children. Neither of them talked about Michael to me (well mom did once, right after Michael died in 1958 when I was 9; something I will never forget), but I have no doubt that they carried that loss until the day they died. This fear was especially high with my mother and she talked to me about it on more than one occasion.

In the end as our visit was coming to an end, I asked her if I could write something about our visit with one another, also mentioning that I would not use her name. She said ok to that, but she said one thing. Tell people this: “Mother’s don’t cry, they wail”.

Parental pain

Their faces show their inner loss,
the presence of the beloved gone forever,
only cold inner darkness felt
where once a warm loving caring ruled.

Flesh of her flesh
is a beloved child;
time does not diminish that bond,
so death is also a ripping,
body and soul,
a sharing in the death;
a oneness torn asunder.

A father’s pain
is no less felt,
emotions felt extremely unruly,
leading to places perhaps unknown before
allowing the inner bleeding to be felt,
of the beloved once felt now absent.

Love and loss
seem to be twins,
for without a bonding
there is no asunder,

The problems and mysteries of life

The problems and mysteries of life

 

There are many ways to approach the problems and mysteries of life.  One of them is to become cynical and contemptuous of those who still seek some meaning in their lives.  To become a skeptic is also another way of trying to figure out what is true and false when it comes to human experiences.  There is the way of faith, which is not unreasonable but this path leaves the seeker open to the scorn of those who choose another way.  Those who call themselves humanist are many and perhaps they are the ones who are most easy to talk to.

In any case, doubt about ones path I believe will always be a part of the journey.  To deny the reality of doubt can lead one to becoming angry and overbearing when dealing with others.  Ubber-skeptics, village atheist and extreme fundamentalist of any religious faith easily fall into this trap.

There are different levels of communication.  One level allows all sides to discuss their differences, to listen closely and to limiting the power of negative stereotypes to get in the way of mutual communication.  It also helps to understand that others can't be changed nor can beliefs be altered by insults and brow beating.  Change comes from listening and incorporating the insights of others.  I believe that is seldom accomplished, but we can still try.  I fail more than I succeed, but all can anyone do but keep trying.  Though there is some doubt, that this will ever happen on anykind of a broad scale, so I remain a skeptic, though not a strong one on this point.  

To ponder our relational lives

To ponder our relational lives

The most interesting people are those that are different in how they perceive the world.   That is why I believe it is good to have a wide range in our relationships. I have a friend; his name is Marco, who I believe is very different from me in how he looks at the world. His sharing’s, his insights have always helped me to rethink some of my entrenched positions that were more or less unconscious.

Good friends should make us uncomfortable from time to time, for there is almost always a certain level of uneasiness and at times anxiety when our world views are expanded; when we discover that there is more to ponder.  We are relational creatures and our interactions with other human beings and with the world around us can either be constructive or destructive.  Perhaps most of us fall into some kind of middle zone, a twilight kind of existence until our comfortable cages are rattled a bit.

I am not sure any of us are ‘free thinkers’.  I have never met any, for we each have to pick up a central thread, a story, that we base our inner direction, our thinking lives on.  However, there are some who I believe are freer than others in how they face the realities of our world and also its uncertainties.  The reason I think Marco may be very close to being a free thinker, is how he relates to me and others who are perhaps more devout and theistic in their beliefs than he may be.  I don’t feel boxed in with him and shelved.  He seems to be more comfortable than most of us with ambiguity and doubt.  He is not a black and white thinker, a rarity I believe, that is one reason I value him so much.

Recently he has sent out to his more than a few friends some articles that deal with cruelty towards animals.  He also showed in his commentary on the articles how deeply committed he is to the proper treatment of animals and their rights. I was amazed at his deep emotional commitment to this cause.  I can’t say I agree with all that he says about ’animal rights’, but for a few months now I find myself going back and thinking about my own relationship with the world around me and my interaction with my so called ‘lower brothers and sisters’.  All of our relationships, be it with others (perhaps the most important), as well as our interactions with animals and nature, are very important and if not thought about and prayed over can lead to a ripple effect that has serious repercussions.

Objectification; to reduce people, nature and animals to mere objects is a great source of suffering in our world.  Not sure about Global Warming, open to the possibility, but that is not needed for us to look around and see the mess that is made of our world in the many areas of our still beautiful planet.  Or the cruelty that we often use towards the animals that we use for food, as well as the health issues for humans that flow from our diet.

The worst of course is how we treat one another.  I certainly have a cruel, mean, angry aspect of myself that I am constantly seeking to have a better more gentle relationship with.  For how I relate to myself is how I will relate to others.

Today there seems to be a great need to find something outside of ourselves and hate.  It could be religion and God for atheist, or homosexuals for a certain segment of my own faith, blacks against whites, men against women, and women against men, and of course there is left against right.  We actually treat each other worse than we do the world around us and animals.  However to begin to have a more gentle relationship with our environment may actually lead to a more gentle and loving attitude towards our fellow human beings.  An oblique way I know, but it seems to work.

I don’t believe in animal rights.  I do believe strongly that we should not be cruel to them, cause them unnecessary pain, or use them for cosmetics purposes.  We have the higher brain, we have a self awareness that ‘seems’ to be found nowhere else in nature, so I think that puts a certain responsibility on us in our relational lives in how we treat the rest of the animal kingdom.  It is obvious that animals have awareness, emotions and needs, especially those we domesticate.  To be cruel to them, I believe leads to a deeper cruelty towards people in general.  It is all interconnected and important for us to understand.  If not, I think that the unraveling that is happened today will continue and am fearful to where that leads.

Thanks Marco for giving me the gift of seeking to more deeply understand my relationship with the world around me…. to at least to becoming more conscious about animal rights, as well as how that interplays with my relationships with the people in my life and perhaps most importantly, my interaction with myself.

My child

 

My child

No matter your state I am constant,
all things wax and wane in your world,
my love is infinite all consuming,
never changing my light that heals your soul.

Your failures are many,
weaknesses profound,
often wandering off you go
like a child lost and afraid,
for deep within is great sorrow
that all of my children carry,
though often hidden
below the anger, sin, addictions
and depression.

Do not fear my child,
just trust,
difficult for you to do
yet it is what I ask.

Inner voices that you hear are yours,
those that scream are in pain,
aspects of yourself still fragmented,
yet my Love my child draws it together,
allowing peace to return once more
for a season and then gone again.

Your only rest is trust in my love,
for the journey in this world is filled with pain,
sorrow and failure.
Your weakness draws my mercy and compassion,
that I have for all, none outside my embrace,
hard to believe, but infinite love is of a nature
that none in your finite world can comprehend
nor understand.

(My response)

My rock in the whirlwind
I often lose touch with the center,
spinning off into chaos and pain,
yet I cling to you Oh Lord
my only rock in the whirlwind.

Dark clouds are low,
my own failures and sins
scream at me in the storm,
flashing lightening and hail
seek to feed on my despair,
yet I reach out to you beloved,

This is your grace I know,
a pure gift of your infinite love.

I look up to your face beloved,
what else can I do,
for you are the center,
the rock from which I stand,
my only foundation in a world
both inner and outer that shifts,
quakes, changes, is torn down
and builds up again;
 yet you are constant.

My life a flash in eternity,
how little I know and understand,
weak often my response,
my soul and body frail;
yet you revive my spirit constantly,
calling me to begin ever anew,
the raging sea never closes over me,
I rejoice in your love,
that is greater than my heart,
all hearts.

I do not believe you will ever let me go.

Lord Jesus, Son of the living God,
have mercy on us all.

The veneer

The veneer

I keep Lord wanting to have it all together.  I put forth a certain façade to the world, put on a smile and joke and laugh with others.  True in it own way, but really just a little, it is after all a veneer.  My writing I guess is the same, a mask, one that puts forth an image that is another shallow covering over a vast inner abyss, filled with both light and darkness….and also something deeper I know, but can’t name.    I suppose the facade is real up to a point, but it covers a vast unknown territory that is within.  I often wonder if “Mark”, the person I identify with has any real existence at all.  I see myself in bits and pieces, some pleasant, others pointed and painful, then there are those aspects that are numb and almost lifeless.  They seem to be asleep; perhaps it is necessary that they are. 
What are we Lord? 

I am grateful for my senses, yet they also seem to keep me locked up in a cell, a large one true, but I still feel like a moth beating against a glass wall trying to get out, to fly, to breathe, to soar and in that I doubt that I am alone.  I remember when young, there were times when dancing, when the music took hold that I felt a release, like I was actually flying, no thought, just me riding the music.  The movement effortless, freeing, and healing and yes coming to an end too soon…. the hours seemed like minutes.  The last song of the evening was always a sort of death to me, this landing back on solid ground. 

You are a revelation, yet we make you into an idol as well.  A few verses, a little anger at others, or hidden contempt and we have a ready made Jesus, sort of a really big bad ass, wanting only to kick some butt.   Forgetting that you are the revelation of the incomprehensible in human form, a mystery our faith could spend thousands of years seeking to understand and still only be at the beginning……still we make you like us.  In you, there is no inner abyss, no struggle with rage, hatred or contempt for others, which is a shadow of actual self contempt.  Deep is your salvation, long the purification, slow the growth, yet at times I presume, when losing track of myself, to judge others, to box in what can’t be contained in any way. 

You Lord point to our own inner mystery, for we are made in your image and likeness.  Paradox rules; we find you in those we hate, condemn and perhaps in our deepest hearts, in a place that only you can see and love; the desire to kill.  In doing so, we come face to face with our own demonic rage filled core manifested in our world, with its wars and injustice and yes our scape-goating.  How tired the world is, how weary, yet as if we can’t stop, as if we are addicted to self destruction, we continue on our journey, pretending that everything is all right.  Perhaps it is, but in a way deeper than my understanding can comprehend.

Nature of fire

Nature of fire

The nature of fire is beautiful to behold,
flames of different hues making the night bright,
keeping the darkness and danger at bay,
that slowly consumes the wood it is fed,
until only a pure red ember remains,
at peace and one with the blaze.

God’s love is also a consuming conflagration,
slowly and with deep compassion and mercy,

(yet often experienced as without compassion),

Strips all that keeps union at bay,
for love demands love in return,
the fulfillment we are called to,
our deepest longing that cries out,
will one day find eternal rest
in the dance of everlasting life.

Difficulty

Difficultly

It is hard to see friends age,
their bodies weaken and grow slow,
to hear them cough over and over again,
and their appetite fading slowly.

Perhaps it is more difficult,
more anguish involved,
to see loved ones suffer,
that it is when we do.

Love takes on the burdens of those loved,
a price well worth paying,
yet I wish it were otherwise.

The knowledge that we are pilgrims
is not often a pleasant reality to dwell on,
for our lives are short,
and many die before their allotted years.

May God have mercy on all of us,
who walk in the desert,
seeking comfort or home,
yet we often find little of each
for our hearts are deep
and only are filled
with infinite love;
we are restless until we rest
in the arms of our Loving Savior.

Unavoidable journey

 

Unavoidable journey

 

There are a lot of bumps in the road for all of us.  As we age the bumps, both the small ones, as well as the larger, get closer together. Sometimes they can seem like a cluster.  Endurance is needed by everyone in order to get through life with any kind of success.  There also seems to be some kind of law that says that when the fortitude that is needed to navigate our lives is avoided, things only get worse.  Addictions, all kinds, not just the ones most people think about, cause a great deal of pain and suffering in ones life.  The larger addictions, cause serious problems for everyone involved; while the more common and acceptable dependences do much less harm to others, while still doing damage to the one who struggles with it. 

I find it amazing that the spiritual side of our nature is often overlooked by a great many people.  Many have the assumption that all they need is to have lots of money, beauty, good health, lots of sex and they will be happy.  When in fact, when all of these are attained, deeper more urgent needs will arise to the surface and demand to be dealt with.  Restlessness, boredom, depression can be the disguises worn by these deeper aspects of our nature.  Many addictions seek to assuage the pain of our inner fragmentation, but over all, apart from some momentary release from suffering, it soon returns.  Escapades usually have a heavy price, a bad hangover being the least of them.

The desert is often used as a metaphor for the spiritual journey.   Deserts are dry, seemingly empty of life, with nothing to latch ones energy onto.  The inner desert experience is not boredom, nor depression, though at there are moments when it can seem like that.  It is more often than not simple withdrawal.  An important but necessary stage in the spiritual life, which has to be experienced over and over again at deeper levels; it is a life long journey. 

When this journey is accepted as unavoidable, then the desert can take on a different kind of reality.  Deserts have their own beauty.  There are oasis’s to be found and there is actually a great deal of life that deserts supports, all one has to do is to learn how to perceive in a different way.  Not all life in the desert is benign, but has to be dealt with, that is what self knowledge is all about….a slow stripping away of illusions, a death to self.  Then the living water, hidden beneath the dry surface, is slowly experienced and there is a new type of joy that is experienced that is of a different genus entirely from the pleasure experienced from addictive behaviors.  This journey is often cyclic; most of us have to learn this at ever deeper levels.  Part of the journey of self knowledge is having the humility of simply getting up again.  Or as they say in the `12 step program, “getting back on the wagon”.

To take root in the moment is to enter the desert. To embrace life in its totality is the beginning of the journey, to understand that all is already known by the Eternal, alleviates the need to seek to hide from oneself, or from ones perception of God.  The more we trust the process of life, the deeper our faith in the Infinite mystery grows. This gives the courage not to believe our own inner voices that seek to keep us back and our immature understanding of the nature of infinite love.  Trust is a conscious choice, we don’t fall into trust…. we choose it, at least as far as our relationship with the Eternal goes.  For complete trust can only be earned by God.  As we age and look back on our lives we slowly begin to understand that……then our freedom expands and deepens along with our love and trust. 

Fasting from thoughts

Fasting from thoughts

Personal thoughts are not often freely chosen.  Tapes or inner movies might be a better word for many of us.  In the inner domain there is no time.  The past, present and yes our thoughts of the future all exist side by side.  Most memories from the past are hidden.  In fact I believe most of our days are consigned to oblivion.  Not in the sense that the memories cease to exist, they are just out of sight and mind; many for good reason. 

Many of our internal commentaries that run on automatic that have the same storyline but will have different people playing the different roles from day to day, or even from hour to hour; have their roots in the deep past.  Our inner landscape is filled with all kinds of inner turmoil, as well as more positive emotions and feelings that have their root in our personal experiences when very young.  Say the first five years of our lives.  It is from here that the psyche gets its energy for many of our unconscious actions throughout the day.   That is why they can seem so intense and yes primitive in how they are experienced.

The problem with these inner musings is that they do have a life of their own and even if they are painful to experience, they are known and may carry with them a certain species of comfort.  One such is making everyone else the problem, while the one having the thoughts is the victim, or the one seeking and getting revenge, or perhaps the one who abandons instead of being left behind.  It is trying to set things straight, but it only disassociates from reality and can destroy deeply important relationships.

Fasting from such thoughts, that is, stepping in and gently stopping them, difficult as that may be, will simply turn them to ash for a time, though they will return.  I believe the actual desire to step back from these deeply felt inner experiences, can be very painful since it is a call to face reality in the ‘now’ and to start the process of unraveling these inner knots.  Once the journey is begun, no matter how slow it may seem, healing does begin.  For the moment one begins to ask questions of ‘why’ some form of objectivity is slowly established.

It is funny how hungry I can get for these inner fantasies, these breaks with reality.  In fact I do sink into them, but as I age the time I am lost in this inner maze lessens as the years go by.  How I deal with people now, how I speak to them, how I do not scapegoat them is what is important.  Wiping out the inner world is not the issue; it is learning how to be present and to slowly untie the chains that our past can bind us with, not to have absolutely control of our inner domain.

We dream

When awake we do dream,
lost in our inner pain or anger,
our desires or needs,
the world takes on that reality,
yet in fact, we may be dreaming,
the waking up is the task,
harder than it seems,
perhaps a life long process,
this waking up.

Fear of emptiness

Fear of emptiness
(Fasting)

There are different ways to look upon fasting.  To start, you can only fast from something that you like to do, or perhaps seeking to lessen a compulsion that needs to be healed and released.  Food comes to mind when fasting is considered for in countries like the United States, food is readily available and easy to use in ways that can not only be harmful to the body, but also affect other areas of life. 

I fear hunger, run from it actually, hate that empty feeling and I also love to eat.  So when I think of fasting, food is the first thing that pops up.  I tend to eat unconsciously.  I see something good, grab it without thinking and afterward wondered why I did that?  Or I am anxious and find myself making a peanut butter sandwich with a class of milk.  It is a way of coping, or trying to in any case, which really does not work.  The promise of peace or happiness is seen for what it is, an illusion; which for some people can be fatal.  Heart attacks are one of the top causes of death in the United States.
My weakness for and my undisciplined attitude towards food is not something I love about myself and will probably struggle with all my life.  Most people have something, but there are some who seem able to do all things in moderation.  So this lent I am trying to fast from food, which will lead me to face my fear of emptiness, which will lead me to seek grace and aid in my seeking to grow deeper into my relationship with God and others.  Gluttony is a form of self abuse, for it has detrimental affects on the body; there is always a price to pay when seeking escape from problems.   I don’t diet, they don’t work.  I know people who have been on diets for years and only gain weight. 

When I do pray about hunger and my fear of it, it allows me not only to connect with God, but to also pause and be conscious of what I really want and need.  Over eating does not bring me to myself, not in any way that centers me, but only in a way that can lead to self contempt and anger.  So in order to have a fuller life, something always has to be let go.  It is not a matter of will power, since there are times when I am strong with my relationship with food, at other times; well I am more or less out of control.  I don’t binge, or anything like that; I just like foods that are called comfort foods.  Foods from my past that seem to make me content for a very short time are the big draw.  As I age my weight goes up, so the only way to stop that is to have a healthier relationship with food.  If I seek a deeper, freer, interior life, then I need to let go of my fears, to not run from them, to seek inner communion and strength by pausing and reflecting.

There is always paradox at the center of our interior life.  In order to receive, we have to let go.  Reality, the world as we know it, others and things, or not to be used, abused and thrown away as trash and forgotten, it is a form of  being unchaste.  It is about relationship, power, how we use it, and how in the end we treat and love ourselves.  Sin comes about when we treat “all else” as our property to be used without any thought of consequences.  Sin is what keeps me from facing life, with all of its varied colors.  Life is about inner expansion of the heart, for God is love, and the image we are made in is that reality.  Love at its center is other seeking, the Trinity points to that.  The Father, Son and Holy Spirit pouring out love for one another, and we are invited into that dance.  There is something deeper that calls all of us, which keeps most of us restless and often bereft of any real joy or feeling of home.  In order to grow in love and joy, that which keeps it from arising has to be let go of…..a true death to self.

Lent

Lent

Lent, is about letting go of that which blocks out the fuller life that Christ Jesus wants us to have.  Letting go of 'things' can be helpful only if it allows a corresponding inner freedom to love more deeply and from the experience of weakness and failure, to see that others also have the same struggle.  To let go of judging can be very freeing and in doing that allows freer more loving interchange with others.  

New Normal

New Normal

The new normal for someone who needs care, takes its toll on the patient and on the caregiver as well. Conscious empathy is often needed since energy levels can be low. One day I will be in that position, so it helps for me to remember that. The aging process when it nears the end can be very scary and the person going through it needs to be treated with compassion, even when pretending to be patient some times has to be done. I call on God; grace is always there to stay with the moment. Perhaps in all areas of life we learn our limits and our need for help by simply doing our duties……our jobs and those we care for and work with are our true teachers.

The far past does affect the present

The far past does affect the present

No matter what the challenge is, it is the small day to day choices, which over time become a habit that will often dictate if the goal is achieved.  It is easy to see how a friend or co-worker can sabotage their lives by their ingrained habits of relating and reacting in life, more difficult, almost impossible to see it in our own lives. 

When someone asks the question “why do I always end up here”, it usually happens because there is nothing else to be done.  It is easy to ponder why others treat us the way they do.  Harder to seek to understand ‘what am I doing to cause these reactions’.  It can stop one in his or her tracks when that question becomes a reality that has to be dealt with. 

The far past does affect the present.  Authority issues, how we deal with the opposite sex, our families and friends, even how we drive, be it defensive or offensive, often has its roots in a past that may not even be remembered.  I guess that is one reason that human growth is often a very slow and exhausting enterprise.  I do know one thing, to not seek self understanding is to stay locked into a world view that can be a prison, leeching life of vitality and for many as the years pass, can cause emotional isolation.  I do not believe that people grow old gracefully by accident; it is based on many hidden choices over the years that slowly become a way of life.  It is called virtue, the ability to take oneself out of the position of being the center of the universe and actually seeing others and loving and listening to them.

It is not a matter of getting it all together; maybe it is the process that leads us to be comfortable with the fact that we don’t have all our ducks in a row.  Inner balance can be achieved for a short time, then things fall apart and a new beginning opens up for us.  It may seem like we are traveling the same route over and over again, yet if we ask the right questions, have humility, which is the ability to accept the truth about ourselves without makeup; then there is movement forward.  It is when the illusion is believed that the ‘being all together’ has been achieved that real trouble can start, at least on the relational level with others. 

We are all teachers, all learners; all failures, as well as being stronger, braver and better than we perhaps know or understand.  We learn from others by listening to how they react to us, in doing that those around us become teachers and healers.  In the process of seeking to learn, we become healers as well.  We either help others to grow, or we hinder them.  If we don’t seek self understanding, more often than not we may hinder more than we think. 

When it us understood how difficult it is to grow and change.  How often the starting over has to be done…. that deeply felt reality leads us to have more patience with others, who have the same sort of struggles.  A good way of looking at it is this:  We all need others to patient with us, to show us mercy and forgiveness and understanding. 

Those we know and love, those we don’t, who we just meet on the way, need the same thing.  To treat others as we would like to be treated can only be accomplished after we come to the understanding of how we would actually want that to come to pass.

 

Reach back

Reach back

When someone reaches out, if you can, even if you must use discipline, reach back and clasp the hand that seeks friendship, or just someone to listen. The world is full of lonely people, at times most of us fall into times of loneliness or isolation; so learn from that experience and learn to help others to suffer less, to love more and grow in trust.  In so doing our heart also expands,a never ending journey.  We becomes healers by learning from our own suffering,and seek not to impose it on others.

Talk on grief

Talk on grief
(2-9-13)

Where do we meet God? Or perhaps it could be asked, where does God meet us?  To meet someone is to be aware and focused in some way that allows an exchange to happen.  When in our lives things are going well we can fall into the illusion that things will always remain thus.  That those we know and love and our broader acquaintances, our neighbors etc., will always remain and the world in which each one of us is the center is changeless.    This belief is not conscious, but to think otherwise can be daunting; for denial does play a function in our lives. 

We more often than not take most of things in our lives for granted, that is, until an event happens that brings the illusion crashing down and we experience, at least for a time that our lives are in ruins.  When this happens, it can seem dream like, however in fact it is a kind of waking up and for a time we most likely live in the ‘real world’. Where nothing can be taken for granted, that we can lose those we love in an instant, our own health, our own lives, our livelihood for that matter. 

I believe God meets us most intimately in our tragedies, losses and especially in our grief.  For it is there where we must make choices, it is in our sufferings that persist, our failures that we cannot run from that lead us to the truth of our fragility, both inwardly and outwardly.  Illusions are lost, and we are thrown back on ourselves and forced, if that word must be used, to begin again to seek answers and some surcease of our pain and yes deeper than pain, grief.  Grief stays with us all the days of our lives.  True it lessens, but the loss of a loved one, be it a family member or a beloved friend, it is a wound that will heal partially but there will still be an inner longing for what was once a living reality. 

Our faith, our beliefs are shown to us what they actually are when we lose a loved one.  It can either be an agent in helping us to deal with life as it is, or it can fail us and allow bitterness to often take hold.  By dealing with life I do not mean that faith lessens our suffering, in fact it may deepen it since it gives us the courage to walk through that dark valley and to slowly walk through it to the other side. 

I lost a dear friend a year ago this Christmas and at the bottom of my grief there is a deep anger that I have lost someone who was important to me.  A classmate that I reconnected with just a few years ago and when we did finally meet, it was as if no time past at all, even if it was almost 50 years ago.  She was a friend, one that in High School I had long conversations with; which only seemed to continue after we met again.  So I loved her deeply as well as her husband.  It was a joy to see them interact together, a very open and loving relationship.  They became young when they looked at each other, or joked.  The loss for the husband is of course much deeper than mine, but comparisons are useless when dealing with the loss of a loved one.
Our understanding of the nature of reality will lead us to deal with the tragedies of life that lead us to hope and trust, or to some type of despair.  In the Christian faith, it is the Death and Resurrection of Christ that can slowly lead us into the mystery of human life and what it means to be pilgrims who are on the way.  Mystery is not something unknown, it deals with a truth that we will never get to the bottom of, since it will deepen as we age, suffer and grow. 

I remember there where times when I was taking care of William, when I was cleaning him, or feeding him, or just taking to him, that Christ Jesus would break through into the mundane aspect of care-giving.  That Christ’s passion, William’s suffering, was what was taken up in his death and resurrection; as it is for all of us.  That our faith points to the reality of the deep intimacy that God has with each of us.  Our lives, our joys and sufferings are also those of Christ Jesus, that in showing us the Incarnation, it points to what has always been, that none of us suffers alone, that the union of love comes from God and grace is present in the most awful times of our lives….hidden but present and upholding all of us. 

Jesus faced life; he in some way points to us how God meets us.  In showing us mercy, God took on our sufferings, or failures, sins and by doing so allows us to live ever more fully and in the healing presence and love of God in our daily lives.

Pilgrims

Loss is part of the journey,
as well as joy and companionship,
we are moving forward,
the road often filled with suffering,
and deep heart break,
we choose to deepen our faith or not,
to seek understanding
though it will only come in ways
that points to more and deeper unknowing,
yet the flow of living waters rises,
overflowing the heart
giving strength, healing,
and an ever deeper intimacy
leading us slowly home.

A day out

 

I worte this in Jul of 06 with a trip I made with Richard now deceased.  I took care of him for the last three years of his life:

 

Sometimes, when driving in town, I am almost overwhelmed by all the traffic, the noise, and also by witnessing the rapidity in which Atlanta and its surrounding area is growing.  Yesterday I drove Richard to a 4 PM appointment in a part of Metropolitan Atlanta that I was not familiar with, at a time when rush hour traffic is just beginning.  The appointment was in Lawrenceville, a town about 30 miles from were we began our journey.  Got me a yahoo map off the computer, and the shortest route was going up State Road 124, a road that I was familiar with.  Usually I do not go beyond Hwy 78, but today was different and so I continued up 124 looking for “Sugar Loaf Parkway”; a road I remember seeing in years past.  Of course the area had grown, some of the growth I remember from the late 90’s, when the building in that area started to pick up. A time that I used HWY 124 a lot, to go to a psychiatric  hospital to visit one of the people that I was helping to take care of.  

On this trip I noticed that growth seemed to be going thru another spurt; it looked like a large strip mall, miles long, was being constructed at the same time.  Sort of like a mushroom garden, things were going up so fast.  Of course the traffic was fun, driving in the city is such a joy, but moving at a good speed.  Luckily we were moving in the direction that was not affected too much by rush hour.  Got to the office and the wait was not too bad, considering that Richard had to be fitted into their already full schedule.  

On the way back, since it was after five, we decided to get some supper.  There was a fast food restaurant near the doctors’ office that specializes in chicken sandwiches and salads; so we went there.  The first thing I felt when entering the restaurant was a sense of high energy, explosive, ragged, fun loving, and yes, very loud.  Sort of like one of my family reunions with my brothers and sisters.  The place full of teenagers, I guess about 20 or so, most seemed to be about 15 years old, and the manager not being much older, perhaps twenty, running the show.  We got our meal; me with a chicken salad, and Richard with a sandwich and fries, found a seat sat down.  

As we ate, I had to laugh at myself, sitting there watching all the young life, part of me enjoying it, another being disapproving at all the ruckus and noise, sort of the last thing I needed; I am my father I chuckled to myself.  However it was mostly enjoyable being around such a sea of life, knowing that these kids having a good time were also going thru a period of their life that for many might be the most difficult period of their lives.  Not yet an adult, no longer children, many probably struggling with the desire of getting away from their parents, and at the same time being fearful of life as an adult.  Grades, girls, belonging, all the things that teenagers seem to be concerned with, and to top it off, a body that is changing at a very fast rate; well no wonder they are so lively.  They have the energy because they need it.  

One of the ‘kids’, a boy came over to a table behind Richard and jumped up on it, and balancing himself on the balls of his feet while squatting, and talked to a group of teenagers across a partition.  I thought, man if I tried that I would end up in the ER.  He did it with such little effort, well no effort at all.  I tried to remember when I could do that.  I could not, the reason being when young I was not conscious at how easily my body obeyed me in doing things, that today would take just a little more effort, or a lot.

As I continued to think about the young, it hit me that these kids could easily not be my own children, but my grandchildren; now that was a thought.  I am not my father, but my grandfather.  Well it was only a small blip on the screen; young inside but on the outside a balding, somewhat overweight man, with a grey bread, moving into white; why should it be a surprise to me?  Also the fact that children are now thinking I am Santa should have alerted me long ago………yes denial a protection soon stripped away just by observing life, something I can live with.  
  
I am content with being my age, being a teenager once is enough for me, and I am more than happy to continue the path that I am on now.   People often wish that they were younger and I understand that, but being pilgrims we cannot go back, we can only go forward, and I think the aging process is an important part of the journey; bad knees, sagging body and all.  They are at the beginning and I am, I suppose, in the autumn of my life. Not yet ready to move on, still loving life, hoping for at least a couple more decades before I move on to wherever we move on to.  Knowing that soon, these teenagers will be sitting where I am, looking at a room full of young people, and perhaps like me, being a little annoyed, but also loving and appreciating what it means to be a teenager, just beginning their journey thru life.

Times

Times

 There are times of inner peace and centeredness, like a fine spring day, cool breezes, everything alive and reaching up towards the sun.  Mornings can be like that as well, a promise of new hope and even of a certain kind of rootedness in reality.  Everything is effortless, easy, the flow is there and all is well with the world.  This seems normal for us.  I am not sure that books are written about the problem of inner peace, contentment, or happiness.

Then at least for me, there are times when things fall apart, or seem to.  Dark clouds roll in, the sun is hidden, and I always flounder in times like that.   Maybe I do better with them than when I was younger, yet I often feel that my feet have nowhere to rest and all I can do is to simply tread water and try to get on the best I can.  It is as if no one state can last for long, one passes into another; it is endless.

A great deal of my inner struggle comes about by my lack of discipline in how I handle the situation.  The only way through to the other side, at least a more peaceful way through, is to be still and understand that it will pass and there is no need for me to run around seeking some inner peace outside of myself.  Yes it is a very slow journey for me, one perhaps I will never really ‘get’, since I handle these episodes in my life poorly, though again, perhaps better than when younger.

I told my confessor that it is like the bottom falls out for me and everything goes to hell.  I know that the center is still there, that my feet are on some kind of solid ground, yet the feeling is the opposite.  If I don’t do anything and allow myself to simply thrash around like a fish out of water, then things will return to normal in about three days.  If I don’t thrash about and face it, things get better in three days; it is the same no matter what I do.  When I face it however, there is a difference and the inner fragmentation seems to be less.

Everyone suffers, I hate that, but that is reality and it must be faced.  Anything used to escape that inner reality, no matter how good it may be, is like trying to fill up a jug that has a hole in the bottom; it does not work.  For I believe there is something deeper at work, and perhaps the main reason we are here.  Is it inner healing we seek, mercy, or a relationship with something beyond anything we can comprehend or understand?  If the answer is yes, then life is about seeking, going deeper, trusting and never giving up.  For if we are here for a reason, then inner growth and trust in life’s process, may be the central core of meaning for us.

To trust in the Infinite is like diving into a deep ocean, often dark, wild, stormy and at times scary, yet from my experience, from this very neurotic man, trust in God is the only thing that seems to bring the many fragmented pieces of my inner life together.  Perhaps it is because I know I am being observed, even in my darkest and most doubt filled moments, which allows this to happen.  The fragments don’t get further apart, but are slowly coming back together again.  It is trust in this inner process that allows the deflection of becoming so introspective that there is no way out of the maze.  Trust allows for the light to enter and for empathy for others to grow and expand. 

Waves

When the waves are high,
and I feel like I am drowning,
clinging is all I can do,
even if what I cling to
can’t be felt,
seen or heard.Yet light and warmth present
and healing in spite of my-self
moves forward apace.

To look inside

To look inside

To look into ones heart,
observing thoughts,
being aware of emotions
and desires,
is not always pleasant,
and easy to seek escape,
for the death to self
we are called to
is a complete stripping
of what is often see as normal,
good and right.
It starts with a love of self,
and trust in the process of life,
without that no progress can be made.

A rainy night

A rainy night

 It was a raining evening, cold and not-dreary at all. For I love rain in all of its forms.  Needed to go to the pharmacy to pick up some medicine for one of the men I sort of take care of.   It was a nice drive.  I love driving at night, especially when it is raining.  Love the sound of the drops hitting the car and wind shield, the beauty of the running water on the road; I find it relaxing…..though of course it is not the safest time to be out and about.

 I got the medicines and was on my way back home and took the back road route, less cars, less stress, more beauty and quiet.  As I was getting close to Hwy 138 I noticed a long line of cars waiting for the light to change.  I was taken by the beauty of the scene as well as how precious this particular moment was and how even in experiencing it, was gone.  Can’t cling, but knowing how unique this trip was, this moment, and all the moments involved, gave a certain importance to what was just a common errand, yet it was not. There are no common moments, it is the perspective that happens when I don’t see, that gives the illusion of the unimportance of what is in front of me.

 This evening I was walking around our cemetery looking at the graves….so many there now.  When I entered the community in 1971 there were only 9, now there are 50, most of which are of men that I helped to take care of.  As I was praying for them (a catholic thing), walking from row to row, I was amazed at the dates, how fast time flows.  At some of the graves I felt more loss than at others.  At one grave I felt deeply sorrowful, yet all of them were men of depth and faith, each having the complex mixture of good, bad, struggle and compulsion, strength and victory…..of which grace won out in the end.

 I have this image of myself at 94 (though I doubt I will live that long), sitting in my room and thinking, I just turned 25, how can I be here?  For me that is how fast life goes by, so maybe that was why I had that experience of the importance of an outwardly mundane moment, which in reality is not, since it will never be repeated again.

 

Don’t cling,
experience the nakedness
the moment,
drink in the Presence,
the silence
that simply is.

Where God meet us

 Where God meet us 

In the Christian path, just like the Buddhist one, the Jewish revelation
or the Muslim religion, has its own unique perspective.

In all paths, the transcendent is not about escape,
nor about happy endings in life, it is not about pie in the sky,
though continuation of life is part of it all.

I can only really speak about my path, as a Christian,
for while I have studied others ways, I am not part of them,
though I have learned much.
About submission to God, the importance of compassion,
how God covenants with us, and the fire of purifying love
stronger than death.

Christ for the Christian is the revelation, the showing to the world the Father,
of which he is One and equal with, the Sprit being the love which unites,
also equal with the Father and the Son.

The trinity is about God being relationship, an eternal giving of love from one to another,
Jesus inviting and bringing us into this dance of eternity, of oneness, union, love given and returned,
which is the longing of human hearts, the healing of love.

Yet God meets us in our pain, suffering and failures, becoming flesh ensured that reality,
showing that God is with us, travels with us, and the mystery still remains,
but it is lived in faith that none are alone.

Our life was taken on by Christ Jesus, our death was his, pain that we carried he embraced,
stretched out he showed us love, forgiveness of enemies,the last ounce of blood shed.He was pounded, innocence incarnate, he failed, died an ignoble death, buried and his followers fled, his chosen ones lost all hope.

Christ asked the chalice to be removed, it was not, and he continued and in obedience
overcame death, hell, and sin, for all of us.  Grace is not earned, we can’t, it is pure gift given to all,
and each will have his Emmaus experience as Paul did, to either say “yes your will be done”, or Jesus will say to those who reject, “your will be done”.
In the end, I am still only at the beginning of understanding and will never get to the end of this journey…..thanks be to God.