Those we meet on the way (the most important part of the NDE)

Those we meet on the way
(the most important part of the NDE)

It is often true that some of the favors or mercies, shown to us by others, those most remembered, are the small instances that may make the biggest impact.  Perhaps this is so because it can be done in such a spontaneous manner, done freely and without any thought of getting anything in return.

There was an instance I guess more than a few years ago, when a plane crashed landed, in France (?), I believe.  The worst of course was thought to have happened and that there would be many dead and injured. Yet, when the rescue crews got there, all the people were out of the plane, safe and sound.  It seemed that those who were passing by in their cars, stopped and helped. Got the people out of the plane and then when everyone was safe, they just left, got back in there cars and drove off…. neither waiting for, nor, wanting any kind of recognition.  It happened spontaneously.  Now the people who helped out, because the plane was not on fire etc., possibly did not think they did all that much.  For after all, they did not risk life and limb in doing their good deed. Yet for those who were helped, I would think this would have a deep impact on their lives and hopefully on those that they would meet for the rest of their earthly lives. 

I would suppose we all do things like that in our lives, helped out someone without any thought that we were doing anything important and who knows, possibly we do it more than we know, because again, it is done without thought, without ego and without any thought of being seen or watched.

In the NDE, whatever anyone wants to make of the tunnel, light, the being of love etc., to believe it is real or not, is in the end unimportant.  I say this because I believe the “the life review” is at the heart of the experience, at least for those who came back.  If you read the accounts of those who had NDE’s, some of the most important acts done by those having the experience of reviewing their life, were about helping others in ways that were considered unimportant, small and of no significance.  It is a strange development and if thought about and deeply pondered, can throw on its head many of the things we think important, but in reality may not be at all.  They are modern parables given to be meditated upon.

I am not sure how this ability to remember not only all of ones life, as well as how others experienced us in the first person, could have evolved.  In any-case it seems to be part of the dying process, at least for some, how many I have no idea. Nevertheless, I hope that this aspect of the NDE is given the attention it deserves.  I believe compared to this, all the rest, as beautiful and as important as they may be, is in reality cotton candy to what is being taught to us by those who have experienced the life review.  I believe that the experience of the life review points to the often overlooked reality, of the dignity of those we meet, help, love, hate, hurt and ignore on the way.  How we treat ourselves and others is important and perhaps the central point of our lives. The place where we grow into being the person we are meant to be.  I wonder what our cultures would look like if this was learned.  I believe that our societies are mirrors of our souls, for where do our cultures come from, they come from us. Yes our cities, families and the state of our countries are a hall of mirrors, often difficult to observe and learn from.

Habits

Habits

Some habits are easy to come by and then can become compulsions draining the one chained to them of freedom and unable to have a real life.  Other habits lead to deeper inner freedoms which have a positive affect on life.  Study for instance can be a good habit that will benefit the one who likes to learn and deepen insight and knowledge, for a lifetime.  Usually the habits that are life affirming and lead to greater freedom are the ones that need discipline, they do not tend to control life but to expand it. 

Prayer and meditation are habits that can be difficult to maintain, but when they are cultivated there is much fruit from having this ‘habit’.  Breathe for the body, prayer and mediation for the soul.  The inner life is the most important aspect of the human person, yet it is one facet that is often not sought after.  Prayer and mediation leads to self knowledge, they are both twins in fact, attached at the hip.  To relate to the infinite, to seek intimacy to the ultimate mystery, in the end develops compassion for all. For those who are on the path of self-knowledge learn of their own weaknesses, compulsions and sins, as well as their own need of healing and mercy, or grace to use a Christian term. When this deepens, it is harder to look down on others.  The one on the inner path has more than enough to deal with; there is no need to seek out the faults and sins of others.  Or if they are noticed, there is empathy instead of condemnation.

To see to pray and contemplate may start off being peaceful, but the desert experience is one of the most common phases that those on the inner path must go through.  For love is deepened through struggle and suffering and the letting go of what is comforting and familiar. Which can in truth, be a barrier to deeper inner freedom and intimacy, with what is called in generic germs, “God”.

Often overlooked

Often overlooked

I find it amazing that the spiritual side of our nature is often overlooked by a great many people. Many have the assumption that all they need is to have lots of money, beauty, good health, lots of sex and they will be happy. When in fact, when all of these are attained, deeper more urgent needs will arise to the surface and demand to be dealt with. Restlessness, boredom, depression can be the disguises worn by these deeper aspects of our nature. Many addictions seek to assuage the pain of our inner fragmentation, but over all, apart from some momentary release from suffering, it soon returns. Escapades usually have a heavy price, a bad hangover being the least of them.

A foretaste

A foretaste

 

What connects us expands the heart and makes us more human is love of others, beyond our family, tribe, and nation and yes beyond our religion.  It is perhaps about moving into some form of greater life that is at this time unknown but at the same instance desired.  In our love of others, in our trust, we get a foretaste perhaps what this means to live in a greater inner space. 

Check the kool-aid before you drink

Check the kool-aid before you drink

Freedom is an interesting word and can be used in different ways.  I was listening to a song the other day on the radio and to paraphrase its content, this is what it said:  “We can make love to whomever we want, do whatever we want, for it is our bodies and no one can tell us what to do”.   It was of course true, but the song left a lot out, that being that there are often unforeseen consequences that can lead to a great deal of suffering for those involved.  I guess you could say, even death for some of the more unlucky ones.  Being young has its benefits, but there are also a lot of casualties that are often forgotten, except for some sort of human interest piece that will come out from time to time, making people feel bad about how the young are manipulated by the press and the economy without any regard for their actual well being and then forgotten.

I am a 60’s child and it is often celebrated for the revolution that it started.  What is often forgotten is the human wreckage that was left along the way.  Many young people lost, more than in the Viet Nam war, yet ‘drugs, sex and rock and roll’ to this day are celebrated as something good….apart from the growing 12 step movement that is.  True there was some good music, much of which I still like to listen to, but the affect it had on many, and its philosophy was devastating.  The contents of the kool-aid that is consumed should be checked carefully.  In the end, much of the 60’s was created by the press and lots of money was made in the deal.  Money made by the older generation; those who owned the music business, as well as those who dictated style to the impressionable young, all became very rich. 

It is amazing how many times when I was a teen ager, I was told by some reporter, or author of some book, what it was I wanted, thought or desired, even if they were twenty or more years older than me.  Well, teenagers are joiners among their own age demographic and will say “hell yeah that is what I want”.  Lots of money made, and a lot of people also lost everything.  That includes some very talented people.  When Janis Joplin and Jimmy Hendrix died within weeks of each other of drug overdoses and choking on their own vomit, I remember telling a friend that this is a message for us, but I doubt many will listen.  The king and queen of rock and roll showed us where it all leads.  I believe it was a great loss to lose such talented people. 

Everything we do has a consequence, some of which may take years to come to fruition.  There are many ways to undermine life, some more acceptable than others.  To work oneself to death for instance is acceptable in a culture where wealth and prestige are given high marks.  The death of ones marriage and the aftermath that has on the children is seen as an acceptable loss and even joked about in our movies and literature.   

To commit slow suicide say by smoking, or drinking, or over-eating is less acceptable, but so common that it is acknowledged as a normal, if an unfortunate part of life.  The crazy way people drive is also so widespread that it is accepted as normal and that people will take risk everyday while on the road that are potentially fatal, as if our cars are made of foam and a collision is not really something to worry about.   On one of my more pessimistic days, I really wonder what is the matter with us, why can’t an intelligent species such as we  actually are, why is it so hard to in point of fact act like it, instead of like a 14 year old teenagers out of control.  A good thing for a teenager, a necessary part of growing up, but for a culture to be like that, well the word ‘sad’ does not even begin to express the feeling that evokes.

I have an atheist friend who is very much into social awareness and helping the poor and disadvantaged.  One day he quoted me this:  “Man is like a cancer destroying the earth”.  He said this with sorrow and I told him I did not agree.  “There is also a great deal of good out there, love, compassion and empathy showed to others.  People raising their families, young people who don’t drink the cultural kool-aid and actually do think for themselves.  Good does not get our attention, it is too life affirming, it is the underside that seems to get the attention”.  “Yeah” he responded, “But in the end chaos always wins and our histories are littered with the ruins of dead cultures, it will happen to us as well”. 

Well we shall see I guess, history is merciless in its judgments, if there will be anyone to record, or if we will even have the ability to write down what happened is yet to be seen.  It is easy to forget that evolution, be it of a species or of culture is not a guarantee of advancement; it could easily go the other way.  I think it is funny how heedless we can be at times on the directions we as a culture choose to go, for the easiest road seems to lead to a cliff that is very easy to fall over.  When personal autonomy becomes the end all of life, then things really do fall apart.

The Near Death Experience

The Near Death Experience

For the past 30 years the NDE (near-death-experience) has been of great interest to me.  I think it is an important development in our culture due to our medical sophistication that allows many people to be brought back from the brink of death.  Millions actually, in the United States alone 13 million according to P.M.H. Atwater in her book “The big book of Near-death-experiences”.  Of course the number is most likely much higher.  I think it is something that needs to be attended to, and is of course being done, studied by an ever expanding number of people.  I think one of the reasons that the belief in another life and in the Transcendent is so universal, is due to the fact that this kind of experience has been going on for all of mankind’s history.  Today perhaps we just need to be pounded over the head about this reality; something is trying to get our attention.  Perhaps because we now have the ability to destroy ourselves, something not possible in the not so distant past but a very real threat today. 

Many Christians believe that all these experiences are demonic, which I believe is absurd and based on fear.  Others believe it is just chemicals in the brain and the experiences are stressed and fear related.  Others want to start a religion based on their experience, or try to use them to prove that their faith is the true one. It seems that many want to find some way to own them, make them theirs, to prove something.  When in fact these experiences happen no matter what ones beliefs are.  Atheists have them, Christian, Hindus, Buddhist, etc.   

I think they happen to let us know that reality is broader than we can understand and that these experiences show us what is at the very beginning of our journey into the vastness of the eternal mystery.  Those who come back, the majority of them, come back changed and believers in the afterlife, or let us say, in the on-going-ness of life.  Many come back and say, there is always life! What does that mean?  Perhaps it is a call for mankind to stretch a bit more in their understanding of what our lives are all about. 

Agape love is hard to understand, a love for everyone that is not based on need, and steeped in compassion, empathy and love for all of mankind.  Christians experience this during their NDE from Christ Jesus, others have an experience of a being of light, and others see loved ones. In all cases it is based on love as well, at the same time, a call to responsibility for ones life and actions.  It brings to the fore “free will” and also if the life review is real….to experience all the pain and joy we have laid on others.  In other words, empathy seems to be one of the most important things we need to learn in life…..we get away with nothing; we will experience all that we do, and there is no escape.  The fact that we seem to have the ability to record how others experience us on some level is astounding, or perhaps there is depth of oneness that we have yet to understand.  It is this life review in fact that seems to be the deepest life changing experience for many. 

One day perhaps when enough people have this experience of coming back from the brink of death, it will begin to change our cultures from the bottom up, which is actually the only way that change can come.  Jesus himself spent a great deal of his time with the so called dregs of society, much to the chagrin to people like me, people of the book, who think of themselves as in the inner circle with God.

In a world that seems to be steeped in contempt for others outside of ones group.  In a time when religions seems to be taken over by fanatics, as well as a time when those who don’t believe are becoming just as fanatical, perhaps the NDE is something we all need to look at, ponder and perhaps come away with a different understanding about what our lives are all about.  To just contemplate the life review would be enough, in fact for me the most important aspect of the NDE that can be experienced if one is sent back. 

I believe that the Transcendent, God, for Christians, Jesus Christ, is a reality that is ‘Wild” in the best sense of the term.  Truth, the infinite, reality can’t be corralled by any group, we can only hope to grow in the path we choose, and if love is what is experienced, if inner healing happens and we learn to do as all religions tells us, to treat others as we would like to be treated, well then that is a good start and I believe a response to grace, an invitation.  It takes self-knowledge to know how we each would like others to treat us, so why waste time attacking others, when in fact, each of us perhaps has a great deal of work to do in responding to what I would call grace, the ability to grow in compassion, empathy and love. 

I would recommend getting hold of Atwater’s book: “The Big book of Near-Death-Experieces” and to study it.  Anyone would learn a great deal about the vastness and depth that our ‘common’ experiences can show us.  All we need to do is to focus on these phenomena and to take them seriously.  They are not a threat to anyone’s faith, but a call to stretch and learn.   For they deal only with those at the brink of death; but they are signs of things to come for those who pass over that brink and don’t return to life, as we experience and know it.   She is I feel the best person to read on this subject, she is second to none. 

Inner space

Inner space

Space is needed to breathe, to move about freely and to feel liberated.  It is the same for inner space.  Past memories, and the energy that flows from these, can clutter the life within.  How we experience the world around us is of course interpreted by our deeply private thoughts as well as unconscious past experiences that may never come to light, so traumatic are they.

Practice and devotionals

Practices and devotionals

Being a catholic has it pluses, many of them actually. I think one is the number of devotional practices that are out there for people to partake in. Usually one or two is picked and the devotional life starts. One of the good things about these practices is that it allows one to pray and mediate on a regular basis, which soon becomes a habit that over flows into every day life. Many use scriptures every day for their devotions, others us practices that are based on scripture, but primarily come through some saint, or mystic to which the devotion has been revealed. Others develop over the centuries, like the Rosary for instance.

The rosary for example, took centuries to develop. It started as 150 Our Father’s, said to honor the 150 psalms in the bible. It was often called the poor man’s Psalter, since in the past very few knew how to read. Slowly it changed; Hail Mary’s replaced the Our Father on most beads, then it was broke down in decades, with the Our Father as the break point. Then the mysteries, based mostly on the scriptures were brought in, so today the Rosary is a popular devotion, mostly for Catholics, but non-Catholics in ever increasing numbers are starting to use it as well. The beads help to calm down the body, the gentle flow of being passed between the fingers is relaxing, which allows the mind to be free to ponder the mysteries. No one says it the same. Some are fast, others slow, no matter whatever works.

The chaplet of mercy, which is said with Rosary beads, is also another modern and very popular devotion, which began in the 1930’s I believe. What is good about this chaplet is its focus and intention on prayer for all of mankind, each person lifted up before the Father, asking for mercy obtained by the death and resurrection of Jesus. It is simple, and easy to learn, and I use it often in my moments when I am driving, walking, listening to the radio etc.

These prayers, if said in a peaceful attentive manner, slowly open up the heart to God’s presence through out the day, and many can say ‘prayers’ without interruption or compulsion. The prayer of the heart comes to mind, often spoken of by those who say the Jesus Prayer on a regular basis.

Perhaps devotions are like a spiritual drink of water, which carries one through the day. It does not matter what devotions is used, as long as it is one compatible with the user. For instance prayers like the Rosary or chaplets would drive some people crazy, so they should not use them. Many like novenas, I am not big on them, yet many find a deep connection with God through this means. The psalms as I get older are becoming more important to me for use as private prayer, others don’t, and that is ok. Use what fits.

Our faith

Our faith

Life is a journey, so let’s be honest, none of us ‘really’ knows where we are going after death.  I have my faith, but as St. Paul says:  “We see through a mirror darkly”, all we get are blurry images and of course there are the NDE’s, which while interesting, are not proof in the modern sense of the term about the afterlife.  For those who have an NDE, yes it is proof, the rest of us; well there is faith, which is a choice and often a hard one.  On the Christian path we believe that the New Testament is telling us of the early churches experiences of the Risen Lord, a reality that transforms our lives the more deeply we believe in this event and ponder it through our lives.  Our faith has deep roots in history, a long road that is filled with beauty as well as failure and darkness.  Yet the church continues, for in spite of our humanity which is often frail, the Holy Spirit keeps the church alive.  It is often the grass roots, the lay people who keep the faith with deep fortitude and are most loyal to what Christ Jesus demands of us.  Laymen and woman are the arms and legs of the church, and often the heart as well.   

Not for spectators

Not for spectators
(a process most of us will go through)

I just saw a clip on the internet that deals with how some atheist look at death and the afterlife.  Of course they all said that they did not fear death.  In fact in our day it seems to be in vogue with just about everyone.  People tend to think that death is one event, when it fact it is a process that actually takes years.  It is called aging.  True, there comes a time when ‘death’ happens, but all that leads up to it is also part an parcel of that event.  There are some of course who go instantly, but for most there is some kind process that is gone through.

If someone actively fights against aging, I believe that is one way of dealing with their fear of death.  Making money, lots of it, becoming famous, or just filling ones life with lots of ‘things’ to do, is a way of not thinking about the shortness of our lives and the speed in which our time here passes.

I like to say I don’t fear death, but when I am thinking about my end, it is as some sort of spectator watching a movie.  Now the fear of death can come in many different degrees.  Some people are terrified of it; some can keep some calm when they contemplate their death, or when they hear the finale findings of their doctor.  In any case, most of us will one day see what our reactions will be.

There is no shame in fearing death and from my experience there are those who fear death much less than others, no matter what their belief system is.  Perhaps it is because they are better at repressing the terror of the reality of their own demise.  It is certainly easy to think of someone else’s death, but to think of my own, well it is difficult if not even possible.  Again, because when thinking of my ending, or being with others when they die, I am a spectator, not a participant.

If there is nothing after death, then oblivion is not a problem, well that is, after one dies.  However, before death comes, well the thought of oblivion, of losing everything for eternity, can make for terror for many, perhaps most, or even for all, even if it is denied and buried deep.

Everything is essentially ‘emptiness’ in this world.  Everything will fold in on itself and cease to exist in the form that it is in today.  The study of history will manifest this strongly.  Yet this emptiness is what is sought after, it is as if we are beings of deep inner hungers and thirst, yet we seek to fill this void with sand.  I am of course speaking of myself and my struggles to come to terms with my life, the wonder of it and the rapidity which it passes.

I am not a fan of Sam Harris, yet of all the so called “New Atheist” he has some interesting things to say.   He can share some profound insights about life.  Here is paraphrase of one thing he said when giving one of his talks:  “Everyone around you, all those you meet, will one day lose everything, if that is true; why should I not be kind to them”?  He is not talking about niceness, but about the reality of our temporality and how that should evoke compassion in us for others.

Each human has to come to their own understanding of reality.  Even if it can’t be articulated, we each have one.  Perhaps our beliefs, our true beliefs can be hidden underneath a great deal of denial, but they do in the end have a great influence over us.  If some of our assumed beliefs are actually known, then something can be done about changing them if possible.  Many thought patterns, our beliefs and yes prejudices are passed on from generation to generation, without being thought about at all.  Today in a world where all beliefs seem to be in the public forum, where deep discussion is going on about them, well perhaps this is a good time to live, a time of deeper introspection as well as a time where actual tolerance can be learned and practiced. 

Contempt and disdain for others because they are different, is the first step towards overt violence.

Both atheist and believers (of a certain sort) do that in abundance. Possibly one day we can learn to listen, in the meantime, perhaps all we can do is hold on for the ride.  Which I believe will become rougher.  Those in the fanatic fringe will make sure that will happen.

Our beloved Luke Kot

Our beloved Luke Kot

 

Luke can be very funny and I have noticed over the years that his one great delight is to make others laugh.  I remember once when a woman came up to him and started to speak in Spanish.  Luke listened intently and making all the right responses, you know moving his head up and down etc, and then when she finished and waited in expectation for a response, Luke responded in Polish.  The woman stopped, blinked and then started to laugh very loudly over this unusual situation.  Fr. Luke of course can’t speak a word of Spanish.

He likes to get up early, at 5:30 and when I wake him up, he is immediately ready to go.  Even though he is almost 102 years old, he can still move fast so I have to watch him.  He has trouble walking and he does not always understand the danger he can put himself into, if someone is not with him. 

He can race in his wheelchair, though he can’t turn as well as he used to, though even then, he does better than those youngsters who are in their 80’s.  He likes to tell me that food does not interest him, until I put some eggs and sausage and buttered bread in front of him.  Coffee is still a favorite and from time to time, tea.  His appetite is holding up and that keeps him strong and alert.  He does get confused from once in awhile, and thinks he is somewhere else, in another time, but for the most part he is pretty well grounded.    

I have noticed that he gets gentler as he ages.  He still has a temper and once in awhile he will let me have it, much of the time I deserve it, so he keeps me in line.  Rafael, his other caregiver really takes good care of him.  He likes to make special dishes for him, while with me... well my cooking skills are limited to what I can put in the microwave.  I am happy Rafael is here, for he is one of the reasons that Luke is so happy, he gets lots of attention, loving attention from him.

This morning I was teasing Luke about his upcoming 102^nd birthday and told him we were going to take him to six flags and take him on a roller coaster ride…..his eyes got wide and he laughed and said: “now that would be a send off”.  Not sure if we are going to have a big celebration for his 102^nd, but if his is still here for his 105^th …. I think we will invite the whole town of Conyers to come on out and celebrate with us. 

Loss of soul

Loss of soul

A man came up to one day and asked me this question:  “What does it mean to lose your soul?”  I don’t like questions like this, when they are asked, there is more often than not, some kind of underlying agenda, which over the years I have tried to avoid.  I really can’t help others with their issues about Christianity, since that has to be worked out personally though study etc., and dealing with notions that are not fair or even true, are actually impossible since they are often so emotion laden.  Unless this is worked out by the one asking the question, it is often a waste of time to try to answer, though there are times when I do, often to my chagrin. 

So against my better judgment I tried to answer.  So we sat down over coffee and we talked about it.  To lose ones soul, at least the way it is used in modern times is of course not possible.  I think to look at it in another way would be a better way to discuss and ponder a question such as this, though I am sure it will not be adequate.  There are aspects of our existence, as well as what we believe, that take a lifetime to work out, or perhaps to grow into, or true as well, to grow out of.

In order to even think about the loss of soul, there has to be some accent that at some level, we have the freedom to make choices, which are in fact a form of self-creation.  We see it all around us.  What we love the most, truly desire; is where our hearts are.  Jesus talked about letting go of a way of life, to die to self in order to receive the kind of life he was talking about.  So anything that does not help along in our desire to  grow in intimate relationship with God, needs to be put aside, or let go of, to die to.  This understanding of what that means grows as our commitment deepens.

It is easy to see where this also applies to other areas of life that people want to commit themselves to.  Say to a career.  A way of life that demands total dedication, where anything that gets in the way of this life plan has to be put in second place.  This also means that they need to adapt to what is expected of them if they are to succeed.  So a great many sacrifices have to be made if indeed this is their highest goal in life.  What we love the most is what we truly seek.  There is always a form of death to other avenues that could be sought after or experienced. It is not possible to avoid this facet of our lives. 

Marriages, relationship with ones children, the letting go of friends that get in the way of ones goal, can be and are often sacrificed to ones greatest love and desire.  At some point there may be regret, if what one slaves for is in the end an illusion.  So each human being will make great sacrifices for what is greatly loved and sought after. 

We are always converting towards one thing or another.  Towards God and what that implies.  Or towards some other ‘good’ that also makes its demands.  Of course it is not always that black and white, at least on the surface of things, for it takes years for the seeds we plant to take fruit. 

So I went with my ‘friend’ and we talked for a bit.  We did converse some about what I wrote above and it went better than I thought.   I did tell him that we are all responsible for what we believe.  If we wish to make pointed judgments about some other belief system, or about our upbringing, it is wise to step back and to try to understand what these systems actually teach beyond popular expressions that can often be destructive.  If not, then we can stay chained to anger and perhaps as we age, to an ever growing frustration.  Human weakness, ignorance and evil, can be found in any stytem of thought or religion.  It amazes me that people are shocked by this, for we all have the same in our own hearts if we look deep enough.

So we can ‘lose our souls’ to a ‘way of life’ that is opposed to us.  If we are made for God, which I believe we are.  If our deepest longings can only be fulfilled by an intimate relationship with God, then to give oneself, ones love to something else and to seek only that, could be called loss of ones soul, and that choice can be total and to find ones way back extremely difficult, since it was something freely chosen and pursued. 

If to grow as a loving human being is central to ones life, then all other choices will be second to this one central goal and desire.  It will show up in how the other areas of life are lived.  All other occupations will either adapt to this goal or die.  This inner movement towards what we truly love and desire may be hidden for a time, but the fruits of ones life are often tasted sooner than expected.   If the fruit is too bitter or rotten, this may in fact be the beginning of a new and deeper life.

Compelled

Compelled

Writing is an interesting way to express oneself.  For me, what I write about is not what I focus on most of the time.  Kind of a clown actually in my everyday life, yet when I write I have a hard time being light and funny.  Though I do accomplish that on rare occasions, it is not spontaneous for me at all, writing humor.  I often wonder what a 'muse' is, artist talk about them, perhaps my muse wants me to dig and look at what is underneath.....it is the sharing I seem almost compelled to do that intrigues me, but I go along with it.  Wonder if the day will come when I won't be compelled to share.  Or maybe I will be dead two weeks before that leaves me.  I hated writing for 50 years and now for the last 14 I can't seem to stop, or actually want to.

The imprint

The imprint

Talk on anger, resentment and rage 6/28/13

The more I give talks on anger and resentment, the more deeply I understand my own lack of wisdom in dealing with this issue.  Each person has his or her own journey with this aspect of being human.  For some it can be the central point of reference in their lives.  It can shape their relationships most of all.  It is also what drives many to seek a deeper relationship with God and all traditions seek to help their followers deal with this often painful aspect in their lives.  My writing on this subject, tells more about how I deal with this in my own life, knowing that others have wounds that come from different experiences, often deeper and more destructive than I can even imagine.  So anything I write will have some serious limitations in how I deal with this important aspect for many who seek to deepen their spiritual lives. 

St. Paul talks about a thorn in his side that the Lord allows in order to keep him humble.  This is not a very comforting concept for me.  It implies something that worked on him all of his life.  A problem which irritated him no end and caused him inner suffering as well as having to deal with no doubt, his failures and inability on his own to overcome it.  I believe that most people can relate to this very unpleasant reality about life.

For me anger could be my thorn, or one of them that I deal with.  Though my other problems, most likely stem from this one deeply felt ache in my side.  A constant source of annoyance that is cyclic in nature; in other words unending.   The intensity of it varies as I age changing in subtle ways, slowly over the years. Often in spite of my self and my slowness in responding to graces calling for deeper trust in life’s process.  The call to bring this inner turmoil and pain on an ever deeper level of intimacy to the Lord, an act of trust and faith, which is central to the Christian path.

There are many causes or roots to anger and of course not everyone experiences it in the same way….though the pain is often deep and can cause ever deeper wounds towards self as well as others.  Cycles can be self destructive or can slowly lead towards healing and at times be a mixture of both.

There can be closure for anger.  Some sort of reconciliation can occur.  For the majority however closure cannot be accomplished, and it is a life long ongoing process trying to live with it.  “Deal with me”, our anger can often scream at us, but often the ‘dealing’ can be problematic.   For part of the struggle is not to become the sort of person that tries to deal with their pain by taking it out on those who are in the vicinity, who in fact have nothing to do with anything in regard to this issue.   It is called the ‘shot-gun’ approach to anger.  This only leads to greater suffering; for this release is less effective the more it is used.

On the cross Jesus prayed to the Father to forgive those who betrayed, denied, bore false witness, tortured, mocked and killed him.  This is a hard pill to swallow since our sense of justice demands some sort of restitution.  I can talk and write about love and forgiveness until I am blue in the face, but when I am struggling with my own inner ‘demons’, this is very difficult or even impossible, at least on an emotional level. 

I have found that my desire for it to end is a major source of suffering for me.  It will not go away, but how I relate to it, this ‘thorn’ is all important.  For me, my anger goes way back, which is true for many and all the other instances in life that cause anger and resentment, have it’s roots in this one instant in time that caused the inner rift to happen in the first place.  Perhaps it is the time when many of us first woke up…. our fall out of Eden so to speak.  A time when we found our selves naked, vulnerable, defenseless; with no one around to help or save us from whatever happened; aloneness and isolation experienced for the first time.  Young children are of course not rational, so an unintentional act can actually be the cause of this inner turmoil. I believe it was for me.  Big or small, the incident can still leave an imprint that has to be dealt with for a lifetime.

The desire for revenge, while understandable, only gives power to whatever it was that hurt us; took something away from us…. that committed an injustice that can never be addressed.  Or even if it was, may do little good.  This is the kind of anger that can be a major point in our spiritual lives, this bringing before the Lord our pain, our inability at times to forgive, the images that if feared can torture us. These are what the Spirituality of dealing with anger entails.  It strips away the often pious ways that people talk about love and forgiveness, when it fact it is often a blood and guts kind of thing.  We cry out for grace, for mercy on ourselves and when we begin to understand how our pain and anger can lead to causing the same kind of suffering to fall on others….then and only then can we begin to understand others and why they perhaps do the things they do.  Our faith journey is constantly pushing us deeper understanding, compassion, not only for ourselves but for others as well. 

Love of self, that the Lord commands us to and for good reason, for it can be the hardest thing to accomplish for many, is the first step.  Only then, when we understand how we are loved by the Lord, lifted up, treated with compassion and understanding, can we begin to allow healing and the unclenching of our fist, the opening of our hearts to the new life that Christ calls us to.  The death to self is not about doing things, or becoming perfect, no, it is about allowing the healing of the Lord in our lives, the letting go of all that imprisons us, and allowing the free flowing of grace into our hearts.  Easy yes (?);…...well of course the answer is no, perhaps impossible if we keep ourselves enclosed in unending cycle of anger and for some seeking revenge on those who did this evil, or towards just about anyone who gets in our way.  








 

A talk on anger and resentment

A talk this weekend on anger and resentment

This weekend, there is a retreat being offered on anger and resentment.  It is usually full, one of our most popular retreats.  I guess I have been doing this since 06, seeking to help others who like me have an ongoing dance with anger.  It is seldom a gentle dance, a tender rounding about the room, but more like a very agitated tango.  The agitation comes from the knowing that this anger and resentment are not the fault of those around me, so I can’t just use the shotgun approach and blast everyone….which by the way does not work either. 

Angry people who wound others and wish to share their pain are acting out of victimhood and either don’t want to, or don’t know how to take responsibility for their own emotional health.  More often than not, they are caught in a whirlwind which only gets worse as they age.  Some people are so angry that they actually don’t know it, but everybody else does who has to live with them.  Repression is not always a bad thing, but when it affects others in a destructive manner…. then hopefully it is something that can be addressed. 

I was at a meeting once giving my opinion on the subject matter of the get-together.  As I was talking; giving what I thought was a rational response, I noticed that the men around me were looking at me in a manner that I did not like.  At that moment, I came to the realization that I just might be angry and don’t know it.  So I started to apply my emotional breaks, but it took about 30 minutes to get myself back on track.  It was a revelation to me that I could have been that angry and did not feel it.  That is I guess why everyone else was feeling it so much and not responding in the way I that I was hoping for.

It is easy to say that the spiritual path is simply dealing with ones recurring problems, harder in living it out.  As I get older, and have less energy to deal with this kind of situation, I find myself more and more just sitting, not thinking and letting things settle down a bit…..I also pray like hell. 

Anger, the experience of carrying a wound around perhaps for a lifetime, or for many, for years, until some kind of closure is found, is a time when the wound can be shared, others brought into the fold of having to deal with being treated unjustly.  Angry people always have good reason for doing what they do, perhaps we all do, even when it is destructive towards others and self. 
 One of the avenues of healing is coming to grips with this reality.  Of how we each are both the one who wound others, as well as the wounded, it comes full circle, often over and over again. When this is deeply pondered and prayed over, it can lead to actual compassion towards those who are consumed with anger and the need to blast those who are around them.  For we know the pain they are experiencing and the frustration that things don’t get any better.  In fact, life can steadily get worse and they can become more isolated. 

While anger is something good, for it gives us the energy to deal with injustice, to seek to right the wrong that is so common in our world today, it can also be a source of actual mental illness.  Anger, resentment and yes rage, the child of both, leads to a narrowing of consciousness that assumes the job of judge, jury and executioner, to fall on one man or woman.  It is only in the movies where this can actually work.  Perhaps that is one reason why these movies are so popular, a world wherein a man or woman can get revenge, then go home and live happily every after.  Does not happen, for the fire of rage only gets bigger when fed. 

I believe that this dance that I mentioned above is something that I will deal with all of my life….it is the thorn in my side that keeps me seeking deeper healing and a more profound response to grace.  Death to self is a long drawn affair for me.  Though there are those who do it more quickly and for them I am grateful, they give me hope.

Grace is all


Not pleasant much of the time,

our existence,
the gift,
choices made 
our response,
our deepening love and healing,
the fruit of a loving trust
in life’s process,

even in the darkest hours.

The Cauldron

The Cauldron

In the I Ching, a book of Chinese Philosophy, there is a hexagram called the “Cauldron”, it is fire above and wood below, so the image of boiling is evoked.  The I Ching tries to bring before the reader the many ups and downs of life, the cycles so to speak that most of us go through in one way or another.  There are three responses that are appropriate in any one circumstance.  To go forward, stay still, or to pull back; each good when needed, destructive when not, it is in understanding how to react that is the main challenge. 

I would think the above symbol would bring to mind too many people times in their lives when this experience was real and had to be dealt with on a daily basis.  Perhaps patience is what I tend to think about when I think of this particular image from the I Ching.  The ability to allow things to work themselves out, no matter how slowly it moves along without seeking to find some quick solution, for truth be told, many problems have to be waited out, there may not be an immediate solution, nor a long range one either.  It is what I call a ‘human situation’. 

There are times in life to be proactive and work things out, and then there are times when it is best to let things simmer their way to some sort of completion.  In both cases, how things work out in the end, might not be what we wanted, desired and may even be hated.  Such is life and how we respond is very important.  We can respond in ways that are destructive, but then learn and seek to get some sort of balance and even insight if the situation warrants it.  Or things can fall further apart.  Life is hard for everyone and more often than not we may feel alone.  Knowing that this is a common experience can actually help, it is just life…..rough yes, but we get through most of the time.  Muddle through for me is the word.

Our perceptions about life are very important and make the difference between health and mental breakdown.  Anyone of us is a candidate for this too happen and if it does there is nothing to be ashamed of, for again it is life.  Family, community and yes whatever our faith is, can be the central core of our finding our way back and again taking up the journey.  Though, the chaotic times in our lives, when we feel lost, are also a part of the journey, ending only of course in our deaths, our finale letting go.
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People who face life, it ups and downs and develop a mature faith tend not to fear death as much as those who continually run away from life’s problems.  Perhaps this is because when we walk through the valley and shadow of death, which much of life can seem to be like; we deal with death all the time.  The death of dreams, of health, of loved ones, the list can go on and on…. it is one letting go after another.  So when that finale letting go comes, it is just the last one after a long chain of ‘deaths’ to many dreams as well as to love….yet we continue in hope. 

There are probably more good times than bad for most people.  They can be taken for granted until they are gone.  Bad times, well that is different, pain makes us search for answers, or if not that, for ways of just getting through life without running from it….we learn to simmer.  I am still learning.  It would be nice if I did not need to, but life is life.



 

Wanting to eat bear

Wanting to eat bear

I woke up this morning wanting to eat-bear; I was in a mood.  I believe that moods can come from different places and often I have no idea from which place.   There are times when a mood sits, comes up from the depths and the actual source may be something from the far past that colors the present.  When that happens I look for a lighting rod that I can be like the god Zeus and throw a well aimed bolt.  Of course that will not work, not being a god of any sort, and really no one to strike, so I have had to learn other strategies.  Which don’t always work by the way, not always centered by any means…..but I try.  I am told that failure is just as important as success, but I really, really, like success better, it makes my ego smile and strut.  

When I can get to the point that no one around me is actually responsible for my ‘mood’, then I have to deal with it, or sometimes just let it ride itself out….sort of like a summer thunder storm.  In other words, if I deal with it, or not, it will pass….however if I let others be victim of my mood, then it will last a lot longer and next time it may be harder to contain. 

Prayer is one way to be able to set back and try to look at it; if it is a hones communication with the deity.  Not sure I always succeed at that either, but again I try.  Failure I guess is to be expected so I don’t try to get all neurotic about it when I fail….but who is counting, right?  It is just so damn hard to get it through my head that the universe does not revolve around me….though perhaps it should….just joking there folks.

In the end, moods, the good ones and the bad ones are the same.  Not in the enjoyment of them, for who likes a bad mood?  No, in the reality that each passes.  So how do I seek to deal with this slowly moving merry go round?  The knowledge that they all pass, can help me to stay centered and get some objectivity.  So I wrestle with myself and my seeking to live out what my faith calls me to and fall on my face much of the time, but get right back up.  On the path of the inner life, self pity, or neurotic guilt, are pleasures that should be indulged in very rarely…..in reality they are a tar pit, or a tar baby, sticky, messy and hard to disentangle oneself from.

I pray for mercy for myself and others.  However when I am in a mood, and want to throw a lighting bolt, well mercy is hard to come by for others, I am too busy wanting to aim…..so I  slow down, pray, think and hopefully the clouds will pass.  I would love for all of my moods to be of the happy sort. However, I have a suspicion that if that happen; I would not know that the mood was pleasant in any case.  The Ying and yang sort of thing; hot and cold, love and hate, pleasure and pain, just the ups and downs of life.  Sort of like if it was spring all year long, who would really notice?  Also suffering, the kind that comes from within can causes me to seek deeper understanding and to take deeper root in what I am called to be as a follower of Christ…not sure being a grouch is it, though it is certainly easier from a certain point of view.
 The problem with eating bear is that it has a really awful after taste, so better not to partake at all, not matter how it is served.

Our mourning

Our mourning 

Mourning is ever new and fresh,
each time someone lost like it is the first time,
its sharpness never dulls
as it cuts though all defenses,
there is sorrow, anger and deep rage,
all pious clichés wasted,
though faith and hope remain.

We are so civilized in our mourning,
no tearing of our robes,
or ashes in our hair,

No…. 

It is all muffled and quiet,
and many are left alone,
isolated in their pain,
for the awfulness of emptiness,
the deep hole that was once full
of a life, a light,
now gone,
though again
hope remains
amidst the inner chaos,
where only silence is the true consolation. 

Is it a fools dream,
this hope,
I think not,
it is life after all,
this shit we all go through,
necessary perhaps,
this chipping away
of facades that cover
an ocean of sorrow.

Is it thus for everyone?
Yes I would say,
though those lucky few,
who are more aware,
they drink the chalice straight away,
the rest like me,
well we struggle along,
slowly coming alive
by life’s cruel jest.

Change

Change

Is there nothing that we can cling to, or something in our world that is permanent?   Of course the answer is no.   It is so easy to take things for granted until they are gone.  There must be on some unconscious level, a place where it is believed that nothing actually changes.  That all of our relationships, the situations we find ourselves in are somehow permanent.  We know that is not true, yet this can persist, it shows in how we react when things do change, or something important is taken from us forever, never to return.  We have all the time in the world, we can lie to ourselves.  Letting things that are very important, normally thought of as the little things, pass us by.  Yet our moments, even if they are measured the same all the time, by minutes, hours, days, months and years, yet it can seem like a lie.  For a year can pass like it was a weekend, so fast can time seem to fly.  Blink in January and it is June, then another blink and yet another year has passed. 

Our lives change drastically when we lose something.  A friend, or our health, a spouse, and of course we can wake up one morning and we find ourselves ‘old’.  Though to our surprise we don’t feel old, in fact we can feel quite young in many ways.  Perhaps our illusion of permanence is based on something deeper and real, that is projected out onto a world that is in the midst of unceasing change, of becoming and then falling into non-being.  It is probably best that people do not think too much on their contingency, yet to not think of it at all I believe is unhealthy and can lead to tragedy and deep suffering.  I guess if we live long enough we will experience the loss of a great deal in our lives.  Some live to see the loss of everything if they live to be very old.   I have an idea that the less people admit to this reality the more frantic life can become.   For while it is hard for me to think of my own death, I see too much of around me to actually be able to repress it very deeply or often.  What is it we take with us, when we die?  Much of what is thought of as important is left behind.  Of course many believe that death is like hitting a brick wall, there is nothing after death, so the question is probably silly to them.  Those of us who believe otherwise, perhaps it is not so simple.  Perhaps what we take with us are our choices and how those decisions have created us in some fashion. 

In the Christian faith, after the Incarnation of Christ, we are called to become ever more fully human and loving.  Anything that does not lead to that is what is called sin.  A state of being still born, stuck, of closing off the fullness of life that Christ Jesus is calling I believe all of mankind to.  The problem with my faith is that it is easy to fall into the trap of actually knowing how God works in the hearts of all of mankind. 

 Jesus tells us to let go of fear, to trust and have faith.  How important is that for a species that not only knows that they will die but also struggle with the actual existence of God.  I believe we all have doubts, though they may be repressed….yet we live in a world were absolute certainty is not possible, though deep faith is.  If I need total proof of the existence of God, then I would become an atheist.  Yet atheism is not something that can proven, it is a choice.   If atheism was based on some kind of science, well I would suppose that most of mankind would be atheist; such is not the case, nor do I believe will it ever be.  Science can tell us about the world, but the deeper questions and longings cannot be touched by it.  Though the proponents of scientism would like to convince us otherwise; not sure how successful they are.  Many atheists, those that are militant do about as much good for their cause as do militant fundamentalist Christians….the key word here is militant.

Ever new (grace)

Ever new

(grace)

In human relationships, even the deepest, the most enduring, like that of loving parents, have limits, though these limits are seldom reached in life.  Parents will love their children even if they do great evil, even if they abandon them, yet the love more often than not persists.  Human love of the best kind shadows the love of God, which is infinite. 

I still have little understanding of what this means, a love that has no bottom, like an ocean that has no end to its width and depth.  We can love deeply, because we are made in the image and likeness of God.  Perhaps that is why when we do show mercy and compassion and the fruit of humility which leads to empathy; we feel joy and expansion in our hearts.  When we don’t, we feel deep suffering, even though we may not call it that.  Contempt and hatred for others is a form of suffering that only gets worse as times moves on.  It is because the human heart is made for more, much more and when that is not attained; well there is only an isolated self at war with others that remains.  It is a hell like experience that can be perceived as normal.

Grace; the grace that is taught by Christ, is God’s love shown in the incarnation.  For me, this slow understanding of what that means is a lifetime endeavor and the deeper the Lord leads me, the more I don’t understand, but still I seek to swim ever deeper.  We can swim in mystery; play in it and can become frustrated because the deeper truth is just beyond our reach and in our seeking it always remains so, though we do go ever deeper into God’s love and grace.  Understanding is often manifested in the healing that takes place, which shows in our relationships.  We become vessels for the love of God to be manifested in the world.  It happens because we stay open, don’t give up, and in spite of our ever deeper understanding of our need for grace, which is again humility; we find ourselves becoming what we never thought possible. 

Grace, God’s love, is what halts the natural self destructive tendencies that we seem to have as a species.  Our cultures, with all of its beauty, as well as what is ugly, life denying and outright evil, is a reflection of our inner selves, which is not often a pretty picture.  Because of that, many do not believe the grace that is shown to us in Christ Jesus is possible. Yet infinite love sees deeply, sees all and because of that can forgive and heal all. 

Christians often make the mistake of trying to domesticate God, and then become the Pharisees of this age.  Good people, who perhaps forget the complete gift that God’s grace has been for them.  Infinite love can’t be hemmed in, nor can anyone understand the loving relationship that God has for each of his children.  The reason we are told not to judge others, to separate them into groups, the saved and the unsaved, is because we simply don’t know what we are talking about.  We are called to love, to show the hope we have in Christ Jesus in a manner that is respectful and loving…….we do not need to carry the awful burden of being a judge.  Our hearts our small, for in this life we are all children at the beginning of our journey into eternity, an eternity of ever deeper searching for God’s love, as well as experiencing it.  It is ever new; there is always a new beginning in our love of God, as well as our love for one another.  We are called to pray for all, and to seek to serve those in need, for the poor are always with us.  I would suppose all of us are poor in someway, often hidden. So we are called to love all, which again, in order to do that, it is grace that works in secret to bring out this fruit.  It is humility that allows this to happen.  For self knowledge make true the adage:  “There, but for the grace of God, go I”. 

Spiritual path

Spiritual path
(2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

What you deal with on a daily basis.  That which comes up over and over again; cycles of frustration as well as deep inner struggle.  Also what others tell us but perhaps the truth of their statements are fought and denied…..this messiness, the humiliation of failure, it is in these areas of the life that make up the spiritual path.  It is not about consolation, perfection, or being better than others, no, it is about the death to aspects of our selves that are manifested in our moral struggles, but the root is often deeper.  This simple but difficult truth is what slowly leads most of those who seek deeper relationship with God and an ever deeper openness to grace, to slow healing and a deepening ability to love others as well as themselves; within the turmoil.  In this process, the need to judge others is no longer present, or if it is, it diminishes with time.  Self knowledge leads to humility, which leads to compassion for others who also have their own hidden struggles.  Failure is part of it, getting up most important, and to look upward and not to get stuck in neurotic-guilt; which is a waste of time and a useless diversion.  True guilt leads to change, to seeking if possible to make things right with those we have harmed, while on the other hand, neurotic guilt is just a dog chasing its tail leading nowhere.  The new life that Jesus calls us to can’t be experienced unless there is radical self knowledge and trust in infinite love and compassion.  As well as the death to all the crap piled up on us by cultural and yes at times, by religious indoctrination. 

Being seen 

Oh Lord that I may see as you saw,
beyond labels but deeper,
to see the heart of those I meet,
and the understanding
that we are all in need of mercy,
healing and yes the experience
of being seen and not boxed in.

An old war horse like me

An old war horse like me

I am not really into all this ‘soft male’ or ‘metro-sexual’ kind of thing.  Of course some of it is because of my age, though even if I was young, I doubt I would want to be that gentle or in touch with my emotions and feelings the way that many seem to be today.   After saying that, when studying how our cultural is changing, I can see some good in the above….even if at times it may be taken way too far.  Though of course I am speaking from the perspective of being old and out touch with the mind set of young people…. which is as it should be. 

Possibly the older generation has something to share, but if the older generation always had its way, then we would still be back in the Stone Age.  We are meant to be by-passed, just as today’s young will one day be by passed by the up coming generation.  It is when the wisdom of the past is lost, or mocked, that I believe that cultures die.  When the roots of a cultures past are cut off, then everything dries up and dies. 

Head and heart, rational thought, thinking, being objective (which is an illusion I suppose), is something that I value. To the point where there are many instances where I don’t know what my emotions and feelings are at any one point.  As I age I find that this is not helpful and perhaps even has an effect on my health.  I know that illness has physical component, but there is also the psychosomatic, which also plays a role.  My asthma for instances is real, but the fact that it flares up from time to time, I feel is based my life long habit of stuffing certain types of emotions. A habit, that is life long and pertains to the ‘softer’, or if you must, more feminine aspect of my inner life. 

When I was 40 I went to a friend of mine who was a therapist for about two years.  I saw him once a month, which was all I could take and I spent a fair amount of time disassociating when speaking.  When this happened, he conked out, it was funny.  I would be talking about something real, he was with me, then he would get sleepy and his head would fall over.  It happened every time I left the emotional material and went to the head and started intellectualizing.  In any case, he helped me enough to extend my life.  The reason I went to him was because I could sense my body wearing down with all the energy I spent in keeping my emotions in check.  So I guess I am a little further along on the road, but I often feel like I am only on the first mile of a hundred mile journey. 

The other day I was talking about a friend who is dying on the phone with another person that I trust.  To my surprise I totally broke down, something I have not done I suppose since I was 15 or so.  So perhaps there is hope for an old war horse like me; maybe I have started the second mile, finally. 

Humility is not perfection

 

Humility is not perfection

With people, well yes, at times we have to play it safe.  For we can all be mean and cruel, even if we may not see it that way.  With God, no, all fears must be addressed in the Lords presence, his holiness only allows for more compassion at our often feeble struggles to follow in his footsteps.  Humility is a difficult virtue, since it deals with the reality of who we are… it brings us to our knees in love and hope.    Humility is not perfection, no; it is the knowledge of our own imperfections and our growing hope in God's love and mercy towards all, even our enemies.