This New Year

This New Year

I pray the New Year for you will be blessed,
that new beginnings will bring deeper hope,
and a desire to grow in spirit;

To love more deeply and to fear less,
to face your inner demons
with love and compassion,

Never giving up no matter the failures,
to get up for our greatest enemy
is to despair,
to sink,
so easy to do,
sinking under the waves.

Swim broadly and with strength,
if tired, to learn to float a bit,
to smile in the face of inner turmoil
and outer chaos,
for no matter  your inner or outer state,
the New Year points to God's infinite love,
and that every moment is a new beginning,
on our long and often arduous journey.

Reach out to others this New Year,
to those you perhaps overlook,
for within them is a fine treasure.

So embrace the lonely,
the outcast,
listen and  simply ‘see’ who is before you,
and your light will grow,
your warmth spread,
in a world often dark and lonely.

New Day, New Year, New Moment

New Day, New Year, New Moment

One year ends, another begins. It is like a fresh morning for many, though deep down it is known to be only pretend. Perhaps each day is in reality a "New Year", a fresh beginning that slowly wilts as the day comes to an end. Pressures build up, focus can be lost and fatigue can at times be unrelenting. It can seem so absurd. However, for the believer life does have a purpose, one that can be forgotten in the hurly burly of life. It is to see the one before me, to love that person, not to use that human being made in the image and likeness of God. Doing so will put me at odds with many others. How do I treat those who work for me? How do I treat my family, strangers, and acquaintances? Do I forget what is important, and allow relationships to die because of issues that are in the long run less important than the deep relationship I have with those around me. New day, New Year, New Moment, mercy given and received, always there for the asking, all that is needed is to open ones heart to grace that simply 'is', present and shown its true nature (for Christians) by Our Lord Jesus Christ. I often fail, but I get up. Slowly I have learned to look to Jesus, not to myself, for in grace and healing come the gifts that build up not only myself, but others up as well.

Elegant old woman

Elegant old woman

As I was walking towards the book store,
on a cloudy and windy day,
low flying dark clouds
with the hint of coming rain;

I noticed an old woman walking from her car,
bent over, wearing a green scarf,
with an elegant cane, 
polished and black,
with a sliver handle,
clasped by her small hand,
which was covered by an expensive looking black glove,

Her face thin,
lined and wrinkle,
blue eyes,
and a gentle smile for everyone;

As I watched her,
a woman who has grown old with grace,

I pondered,

If she ever wakes up on a morning such as this
and wonders how she could have become so old,
so fast;

Like magic.

For was it not just yesterday that she was young,
beautiful and limber in body?

Conceivably she smiles with such gentleness,
warmth and compassion,
because she understands how precious the moment is,
so fleeting, then part of a long winding past;
yet the present remains.

Perhaps she has accepted life and its moments so fleeting;
the good, bad, painful and pleasurable experiences that all pass,
and in doing so has remained elegant,
beautiful and glowing,
for she does not cling.

Who knows?

I know that I wake up on some mornings
astounded that I am now ‘older’,
each year speeding by  faster,
and in knowing that
I no longer get bored,
for the worst of days is precious,
fleeting,
and I am learning to embrace
the common experience
of everyday life.

Strange how it works

Strange how it works

We are here for such a short time,
to die at a young age,
or old,

does not matter much
in the long view,
our lives are short

and pass quickly.

Love is the currency of real life,
happiness flows from the paradox of giving,
while clinging can cause one to sink,
stange how it works,
that the more we give away,
the more love we have.

The faces of others

 

The faces of others

When looking to closely at ones nose, the faces of others can be missed. Their smiles, love and concern. Uncross the eyes, look up and embrace those in front of you. I speak from experience. No one knows their nose as well as I do, suprised I am not cross eyed.

The gift

The gift

Christmas is a time of joy for those who believe in Christ Jesus.  It is more than just gift giving, as important as that is for us all.  To give and to receive from loved ones is a very important event in our lives.  For Christians, Christmas is a time of ‘The Gift’, a gift of love so great that God wrote himself into our story, our lives, our sufferings and joys.  In the Incarnation, we see the personal aspect of God’s immanence made flesh.  Showing us the intimacy that was always there, now made manifest to all.

The hearts true north

Within the heart of an infant, the universe dwells,
we are each precious in his sight,
though at times perhaps hard to understand
and for many impossible to believe.

Cynicism often hides terror;
the fear of believing
that the hearts deepest longings,
may be a true north
for the heart.

I am at times tempted
by the cold alluring embrace
of the cynical within.

The barge

The barge

So we sail upon this barge
moving aimlessly over a deep unruly sea,
we hold hands and laugh and sing,
work and play as if everything is fine,

Though we know it is not so.

This craft we travel together on
is flimsy and weak beyond all telling,
so we cling to one another until it sinks.

This we all know to be so.

Our fears often hidden deep within,
for our inner lives are a deep ocean as well,
recesses hiding our terror
as well as our deepest longings,
often too painful to ponder.

What we seek often tortures us,
for we can’t seem to quench that thirst,
no human love can fill the void
that is wider and deeper
than our universe.

Infinite longing seeks in like,
the living waters that can only fill,
inner and outer oceans perhaps are one,
showing us the answer though often not seen.

Good, evil, and the in-between

Good, evil and the in-between

There are times when he seems be present.

Others, well, lets say he is somewhere else.
Memories filled with deep emotions….
joys, sorrows and deep tears
that seem to often flow from regret.

He can be comforted at times,
but mostly all that can be done,
is to simply be with him
as the tears flow and he seems to confess
of happenings long past.

He is lost to what went before until they arise to present themselves.
Or is it a confrontation that in end we all must face?
For he is human, unique in experiences,
but not in his basic humanity and fragility,
a life filled with good, evil and the in-between.

Luckily it goes, this awful sadness and regret,
another mood arises,
a happy one, or angry, the former forgotten,
which is a grace I believe,
perhaps he finding true rest only in death

A role to play

A role to play

Life is a process, from the time of conception, until natural death.   To interfere at any stage and to end that process is murder; potential cut off before its time.  Life is not a commodity, but has a deep meaning.  Each person has an important role to play in life and to end a life is to end that participation.  Murder can be legal, as it was in Germany in the 1930’s and 40’s, yet wrong none-the-less.

Once a road is taken it will lead us to the end, no matter what the outcome may be.  Family is the center of any culture.  When it goes, the glue that holds it together will loosen and over time it will collapse.  Today the media and entertainment industry are the baby sitters for many of our young. Parents have two jobs and many don’t have the time to be with or teach their children. So children will get their values from sources that are shallow at best, and manipulative at worst…..it is all about profit, with no regard with how the present will bring about an unpleasant future.

We each become the product of our time and what was considered horrible in the past becomes acceptable in the present.  On the flip side, when we look at the past, we can be shocked at what was considered ordinary; slavery for example.  For good or ill we are absorbed into our milieu.  As it was easy to accept slavery in the past, so today it is easy to accept that the termination of life in the womb, as a right. Without regard for the rights of the unborn, is accepted and even encouraged.    In the future, perhaps those who live then will hopefully look back with shock and horror at what we considered normal and ordinary.  Or worse, they will not, but the seed planted today will come to full fruition in the future and we will, when old, will gather it.

Just as there was pain and anguish in the time of slavery, so it goes with abortion.  Many suffer from this problem, those who are pro-life and those who are pro-choice, suffering cannot be avoided. 

There are human situations that only a strong moral base can fix.  Even then things can be open-ended, impossible.  Unless we have a place to stand from, some roots from some tradition, then all we have is the latest fad, or cultural down turn, that soon becomes normal and acceptable. 

I have no answers, but the center of our cultures, not only in the United States, but world wide, seem to be unraveling.  Those in the middle of it, again, may see it a normal.  Things in the United States are better in some way from the past, but much worse, in ways that are important today and will have a profound affect on our future.    

Glory hidden in form

Glory hidden in form

All power veiled,
glory hidden in form,
with riches nowhere to be found,
in a forgotten cave coming forth,
into a world cold and indifferent,
as well as perilous,
in paradox revealed,
a light was born,
an unlikely Savior
to us came,
an infant so weak
yet God incarnate,
embracing all in infinite love.

Just a piece of the puzzle

Just a piece of the puzzle

We seek meaning,
also justice,
longing for balance
in a world over wrought.

Justice is not found at all,
revenge often is
its almost evil twin,
yet so unlike.

It is like drinking from the ocean,
it does not quench thirst,
it just kills what it seeks,
and the cycle remains.

Longings stay,
like an itch that will not go away,
we try to scratch to no avail
it is just too deep
it cannot be reached.

Do we have a soul?
Seeking to fill it-self with nourishment,
but finds itself starving instead?

We long for roots
in a world without permanence,
we have no real home,
perhaps only memories
long past,
painted in pastels,
as if the past were our Garden-of-Eden.

We question an empty sky,
some say they receive an answer,
others laugh and say not so,
it is a dream, a vapor,
which does not exist.

My faith is often over an abyss,
bottomless and dark,
yet it continues to grow
and to reach for what is not conceivable,
as if I am lead by a light I can’t see,
yet in some way perceive:

It says to me:

“Things are not what they seem,
all of you are wrong in your perceptions,
it is so for a reason,
for the road of unknowing,
of doubt and struggle make your soul strong,
and in the end fearless.’

‘Reality is harsh, true,
your thirst deepens as well,
yet I accompany you in your sojourn,
all of you,
even though I am not perceived,
I am existence itself,
even more than that,
so embrace doubt and believe,
unbelief is not the strong path,
for it gives up on what all are called to,
a relationship with love unending,
hidden for now,
but one day will be revealed,
for your seeking flows from your being my child’.

Only silence remains

Only silence remains

 Infinite love and a world filled with evil,
pain and questions that will never be reconciled,
reality simply is, suffering happens, so does happiness,
it can seem so random, is that so?

Chaos and randomness rule the day,
like the roaring waves on the oceans surface,
causing damage and death to those floundering.

It passes and peace comes for a time,
yet the storms and pain seem greater than the tranquility,
our wounds both inner and outer pick at us,
healing if it comes, often comes slowly or too late,
or so it seems.

If God is not, then it is all random,
there are no deep questions,
we just adapt, live the best we can,
die and sleep for eternity,
if annihilation can be called sleep or rest.

If God is,
the questions remain,
why, why, why, WTF?

Only silence remains,
empty skies without an answer,
though silence is possibly
the only way God can speak to our hearts.

Be still and know I am God, says the psalm,
sit with the pain, the waves will come,
not only for us, but for all we love and cling too,
all will sink below the surface.

Deeper in, more silence, greater peace,
connection with all,
a small glimmer of light,
perhaps some understanding,
yet without faith and hope,
the strength to live with this tension
of ‘not knowing’ much of anything
can darken our souls;
for we are made to question and seek answers,
the most important ones for us
often remain unanswered.

My path has the seeds of answers,
that slowly grow over the years.

I see the slight foot prints of Jesus
when I look back over my life,
an intimacy so close that it is darkness.

I see it around everyone.

So bright it blinds the soul,
everything there but unseen,
for we would become undone,
unable to live,
or walk the bloody path most of us or on
if the hidden reality experienced.

One has gone before us,
walks with us,
at times carries us,
even if unfelt and we feel alone.

Faith, hope and love,
love the greatest because it is eternal.

No wonder the human heart seeks love,
and longs for it like a thirsty man
dying in the desert.

We are all connected,
our love and prayers reach all,
our perceptions mean a great deal,
and what seem obvious
is not so.

God is present to me;
I am often not present to this reality.

It is everywhere

It is everywhere

In the end it is joy and love that last...all the other crap, real enough though it be, passes.  Christ is risen afterall, many Christians may forget that central realilty of our faith....I know I do and then I can get dark....yet grace always comes and lifts me up.

Grace is free, it is everywhere, in the darkest corners and in the brighest days.... it is the stable point of a world, both inner and outer, that is unstable and often crazy.  God loves us, always, God is always yes, we can be the ones, or I can be the one, that says no, or maybe, or call me back tomorrow.

Our deepest enemies

Our deepest enemies

When sorrow can be expressed up front,
with tears and feelings of deep anguish,
with anger and rage;
it can be a balm of sorts,
though the suffering continues,
perhaps never ending.

There are those who don’t react this way,
(many, perhaps even most),
yet something else happens,
a deep darkness descends,
there is neither rage or anger,
at least felt,
only a feeling that the heart,
the soul,
is being lacerated beyond repair,
as if all of humanity is suffering.

Revenge and despair are our deepest enemies,
for both mimic realities,
seeking to escape the ‘unknowing’ of our realm,
the reality that to figure things out,
to understand our selves and others,
may in fact be impossible.

The closer the evil,
the deeper the wound.

Families, individuals, communities and nations can be wounded,
for the connection is deeper than we know;
all we can do perhaps is to seek to forgive,
to embrace and yes for those who believe,
to pray for healing, mercy and if possible,
understanding.

I feel Lord that I am sinking,
what a spider web mankind has created,
a sharing of pain and evil and sorrow,
a connection of chaos and disintegration,
which perhaps only love can heal.

Love does not save from pain;
it only increases our capacity to endure,
as you did when you experienced what we can do,
to you, to each other, a seeking to kill the God image
in others and in ourselves.

Perhaps hell is a place of coldness,
humanity dead,
darkness,
the embracing of shadows and despair,
a ploy to escape the pain of love,
of forgiveness and the love of self and others,
and the wounding and healing of your infinite loving fire.

Violent species

Violelnt species

I am violent.  I have strong inner images that suggest that I fight, overcome my enemies with force and as well as overcome the rights of others so that I can get what I want.  I am also a man who has compassion and love for others and am a care giver by trade.  I am both angel and beast, perhaps we all are.  I believe for anyone to be just a decent everyday human being takes a great deal of inner balance, self knowledge and discipline.  We do it so often that this reality can be overlooked.  

Violent games and movies are loved my men.  I love them, know they are fantasy, but they are in fact violent.  Men are war like, we are built to fight, to protect, to attack as well.  This of course works against us, this instinct to fight and overcome others.  Wars are the outcome of this inner war forced out upon others.

Women can be violent as well.  The very best of us has an inner beast, as well as an inner reptile that we all need to deal with.  For some, I consider myself one of those, we may need to be more aware to simply keep this inner 'self' under control.  Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde  a story based on fact, not fantasy.  Two sides, two faces, two ways to do things….We are divided, at war with ourselves, well many of us are.

I do agree however that if those entities that exist just to make money, would consider the long term effects their games, drugs and foods have on our society it may help things a bit.  We are part of our culture, all of us; none of us are free from the influences of TV, mags, internet and our friends.  

We are sinners, we miss the mark, we are yet fully human.......perhaps mostly beast at this junction of our evolution.  Yet I have hope, for most people struggle like I do just to make it through the day and to hopefully make this world a better place.  I think this is God’s grace at work in all of our lives, a part and parcel of all existence.

The path

 

 

The path

Some mornings,
during my time of prayer,
my mind can be so un-present,
rootless and scattered.

No word from scriptures can find rest;

You Lord are present;
it is I who am not.

So I just stay with ‘that',
my messiness,
lack of focus,
perhaps boiling from inner anxieties,
for I can be so blind to myself;
I often have no clue.

Words from scriptures roll off my soul,
so I just sit and allow them to sink in,
like water on very hard soil,
just trusting in life,
the process that we all go through,
in this desolate tract of a world.

The path you call me (us) to walk
is often hidden within a larger route;
an all encompassing tradition.

For we each pray distinctively,
meditate uniquely,
only you knowing and showing the way,
often more by unknowing and faith
than by insight and understanding.

Natural for us

Natural for us

Giving from the heart is healing.  While sharing from compulsion only adds to deeper hurt and inner turmoil.  Two sides of a coin, the tension is what leads to greater growth in love, or the seeking after control.  Control in the end is impossible, whlie growth in love is as natrual for us as the rain that comes in the spring.

Dos-e-doe

Dos-e-doe

I think life is a setup.  We often think life sucks, and of course it can and does.  In times of stress, when our problems become apparent; we can either deal with it, which can be very difficult, or we can run from it, which can be fun, at first. Then things get crazier because now there may by two problems instead of just one.... with greater suffering that come with dealing with both of them.  Of course, we can seek another out, and another, and then we can have four or five problems, or more.

People often wonder why conversion is so hard.  To die to self is arduous, to not die to self, is even more so.  The labyrinth only goes forward, though it is not a straight line by any means.   It weaves in and out, and around more than once. Close to the center and then way out, dose-e-doe away we go; take a whirl around the dance floor once again. 

You can’t stop; for to do so is just another turn, just a more passive aspect of the journey.  No rest for the weary.  Perhaps when Jesus said his burden light, it was true.  For we can create heavy burdens for ourselves, over and over again, like a dog chasing his tail but never catching it.

No bottom

No bottom

Time is like a gentle breeze hardly felt,
then we find ourselves old,
feeling young
then we look in the mirror
and see our grandparents looking back.

So we take a step each day,
do what we must,
thinking there is some permanence,
some stable point to rest,
but there is none,
for our past becomes longer,
and our memories perhaps live there.

Possibly when we die,
and we move on to the larger world,
this world, this time, our tragedies
and yes our joys,
will seem like a fading mist
from yesterday.

Will we ever understand?
Or is our journey and ever deeper seeking,
an eternal hunt
for deeper truth,
love,
and a larger drink
from the living waters?

Will we eternally dive into this mystery?
No bottom,
no ending,
just more of and deeper in?

Are we finite creatures
with an infinite ability to grow?

A time of expectation

A time of expectation

Waiting, we all do a great deal of it during our lives.  It is not always pleasant, often very annoying and yes it can be bone wearying and tedious.  Be it at airports, hospitals, doctors’ offices etc., it is often a chore to just sit and stare.  Looking at magazines often only makes it worse.   We love arrivals, when the tension of waiting is over.  You can’t have one without the other however, sort of like hot and cold.

Advent is also about waiting and I believe that the times that we sit in a space and wait for ‘something’, it can bring to mind that this is an important aspect of our lives.  When we pray, it can often seem like we are yet again, waiting, it is just on the Lord this time and we endure it, or run seeking to escape from the experience of ‘nothingness’.  We can learn that we can wait on the Lord, if we look deeply into our lives and find out we do it all the time in just about every area of our lives, we just have to, we have no choice.  In praying and waiting on the Lord we can refuse the grace filled invitation to deepen our intimacy with infinite love.

It is in our making that act of faith in the Lord that our waiting is fruitful. That gives us the courage and yes, allows us to receive the grace to simply ‘be’ in God’s presence.  Perhaps we will slowly ponder a verse from the Scriptures.  Or if Catholic or Orthodox will finger our rosaries to calm the body down, allowing the mind to focus and come alive and to draw in scattered energies.  Or looking at nature or have a calming cup of tea; it does not matter what we do if we are seeking the Lord and a deeper love and relationship that often will go beyond concepts and words.
 Advent is a time of expectation, of something that is beyond our wildest dreams, yet it can also seem boring if we do not slowly allow ourselves to sit, wait and soak in the meaning of this blessed season.  Christmas is from December 25^th to Jan 6^th.  Advent is the four weeks proceeding this Holy Day.  I think we lose a lot as Christians, when we jump into the Christmas season and its culturally driven chaos, and in the process losing the grace, peace , joy, and yes the discipline of just being, just waiting on the Lord.
 The gift giving is good, the sharing is wonderful, the parties are often healing for many, yet if that is all it is, then for those who believe that Christmas means Christ-Mass, miss out on a great deal.  Then there are those who get depressed at Christmas.  Perhaps for some it would help if they did forgo all of the above if possible, but focus on the actual meaning of it all. 

Still on the way

Still on the way 

The human heart is vast,
sensitive and temperamental,
easily offended and hurt,
easier still to withdraw
as if one were a hermit crab,
enclosed and safe in ones shell,
easier by far than living,
being open and willing.

Wounds create scabs,
needed for healing,
but when they become permanent,
deeper healing is not possible,
for the clean air of reality,
of people and the need for love
is not let in.

I have my wounds,
a lifetime of healing,
though still on the way,
perhaps the full healing
an impossibility.

Possibly that that is ok,
for it is in seeking to become open,
in spite of inner struggles
that real growth
towards full humanity
is achieved.

We are made for such things

We are made for such things

When the heart swells when music’s caress arouses,
When the sight of beauty makes one catch their breath,
When the vision of a child opens up ones heart to be loved,
When compassion arises to help a stranger,
When friends truly laugh,
When lovers truly love,
When oneness is experienced with the world,
Even if only for an instant,
We are made for such things,
For it is worship that we experience,
Living water found in the depths of a dry desert.
Beauty grabs us in guises often unexpected,
Calling our hearts to expand,
Yes it is the joy of worship,
That which is eternal, that encompasses all beauty and love,
All else transformed by its gently accepting power.
Boundaries healed,
The truth revealed about who we are,
How we are loved,
Our response is the utter joy of abandonment,
Worship.

Only now

 Today, or in ten years,
it is still only now.

A man of 95 lay dying,
he said,
where did the time go,

now I understand,
as I age
I ask the same question.

 So if I die tonight,
or 30 years from this date,
it is now, the moment,
that is all we have.

 Embrace what is,
let go of all that keeps
that a bay.

Pilgrims

Pilgrims

The train we are on can't be stopped,
even though we know what is coming,
just not the how or the when.

No brakes to slow down the journey
we pass each other from car to car,
the engine a thing no one ever sees.

Then the lights go out for a second
and some once there just a second ago,
now gone,
there seems to be no rhyme or reason,
at least as far as we can see.

What is feared is when our time comes,
when the lights go out
and when light returns,
we are gone.

Were to we go?
Does anyone care?
Will we when the lights go out?

Living deeply

 

Living deeply

Perceptions can be wrong, dangerous and life denying.  They often come from our deep past, making trust of others difficult. Or if trust broken after a new beginning, the over-reaction can often be directed at everyone and leading to closing oneself off even more.  It takes courage and trust; choices that are painful and difficult, to open up again and move forward in life.  To live fully has a price, so does being overprotective of one-self and living in isolation.  Pain is an important part of life, though one that most of us (me mostly) would like otherwise.  To become more human, life has to be embraced and to just take the next step forward may be all we can do....it is enough.  Life can be lived deeply, though it may never be fully understood.  Faith can be a difficult path to traverse for the mystery only deepens the further we go and learn to trust.