Prayer a way of life

 

Prayer, a way of life

Prayer if kept up becomes a way of seeing reality in a different way.  To experience the love of God in all circumstances and events in ones life.  It also connects us with all, for when we pray we never do it in isolation, for it is an answer to grace when people pray.  Granted some prayers can be childish, yet that is OK, we all mature, grow, and as we do that our understanding of God and how God works in our world changes and deepens, we never get to the end of it.  No contracts with God, none of us are protected, Christ Jesus shows us that by the way he died, his pain and his feeling of rejection by God.  Yet he died forgiving all and he rose, prayer leads to deeper life and love.

God is personal and loving, people seem to resent that or fight it, yet it answers the deepest yearning of human hearts, or most of them.  In prayer we drink from the living water, in saying the Our Father there is no me or I, but only we; a prayer for all, no one is left out.  It is easy to make shallow and snide remarks about prayer if not experienced, but again, it takes years of slow growth to mature in this prayerful way of life and those who have not walked this path will not understand, nor do I expect them to.  They have their own path, and I pray for them, for again, no one is left out when one prays with the heart.

In him we live and move and have our being.

The leaven

 The leaven

Love can be difficult, since when we love our wounds and selfish needs also come to the fore.  Many relationships die because this selfish kind of love is seen as normal and right.  Paradox is needed for any relationship to deepen, one is self forgetfulness, as can be seen in the lives of loving parents, teachers and many of those who serve the public as policemen, firemen, doctors etc.  We can choose to expand our hearts.  As Christians Christ Jesus ask us to allow his love to work through us, to allow us to plant seeds in others by our love and compassion for all.  We learn this because of our own understanding of our weakness and yes deep sinfulness.  It is by the mercy of Jesus Christ that we are healed, and we are called to pass it on to others.  Not so much by words,though they can be important, but by how the leaven of Christ Jesus love that  dwells in our hearts transforms us.

The gentle one

 

 

The gentle one

(September 09)

Some kinds of death are long and drawn out. Not necessarily painful, just a slow breaking down that takes years to arrive at its end. In a way it sounds like simple aging, but give it a name like “Alzheimer’s” and it becomes something different altogether. It is not about growing old gracefully, since those afflicted will often be living in the past forgetting about the present. Or if the present is confronted, it last but a moment in time. So those taking care of them will become different people. For William I am at times “Frank” or “Jim” and just once in awhile I am “Markey”, that is when he is present to the moment, at least I think so.

Leo was a gentle man before he came down with Alzheimer’s and as it developed this gentleness did not go away. Each case is unique. For instances William is not what one would call a gentle soul, he is more about fireworks, high winds, laughing and also unrepressed expressions of anger. He was like that before he became ill and he is like that now, in other words his personality has not faded. Leo because he was always quiet, gentle and not one for emotional outburst, continued to be that way after he became ill. This gave the impression that he was fading ever so slowly. Of course he got this disease earlier than most; it most likely started in his mid to late 50’s, for in 1999 when he was finally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s; he was almost 60 years old.

He did have a good sense of humor, which stayed with him for most of those ten years he had with his illness. I remember once taking Damien and Leo out to lunch. I would take them for hamburgers and hotdogs and then over to ‘Dairy Queen’ for ice cream. One day I put on the news while driving and one of the commentators said something funny and Leo laughed at it. He could not talk, seemed to be somewhere else most of the time, yet he still had a sense of humor and was listening to the radio, so there was a lot more going on than I thought; a good lesson for me.

He ate well, sleep well most of the time and was very easy to take care of. As his condition worsened it would take two people to get him ready for bed. He was a large man and while he would never hit out at any one, he would sometimes start and his arms would fly, so best to have two people. He would get frightened when he was put in bed, also when we turned him. So one would talk to him gently to keep him a little calmer, for he did not know what was going on. Once we finished however, he slept most of the time for the whole night.

A few weeks ago he had to be placed in the hospital. He was having severe pain and we needed to know what was causing it. I took him into the ER the week before and nothing came up after he received an MRI. There was a spot on his pancreas, which the doctor down played, so he was sent home. Dr. Manning however after seeing the results was worried that it could be gall stones, which can be very painful and life threatening. So he was sent to the hospital. He was in for almost two weeks and his pain was not from gall stones. Good news, but he developed pneumonia, so he had to get intravenous antibiotics to help with that. During the day we sent in some community members so set with him. He needed someone to help with his meals, though he ate very little. Also if he was having pain the nurse needed to be notified. At night he slept straight through so he was left alone then.

While in the hospital his left leg started to bend up towards his chest and would not relax. When anyone tried to stretch it Leo let everyone know that it was very painful so it was left alone. I feared this was going to happen. For the last couple of years, Leo, when in bed would tend to bend his left leg and it was hard to straighten it out. Now it seemed to be permanent since he was bedridden. In any case, he came home cured from his pneumonia but now in a half fetal position.

He did not get better. We had to keep him in bed and he did not want to eat much. Rose the nurse gave him some IV fluids but as he worsened we had to stop. He was starting to become congested. So we continued to give him fluids through a syringe and he would sometimes eat jell-o. Then that stopped. His body was still strong even if his mind was gone, so it took a while for him to finally succumb. His death like his life was a gentle one; there was no struggle, just a peaceful cessation of breath. Ten years he suffered from Alzheimer’s and his gentle loving nature made it easy to take care of him. He was loved and will be missed by many.

Salena was a true friend who over the past years has been faithful in seeing Leo. He would always smile when she came into the room and would also eat for her. She made him laugh, no small gift. She is a very kind woman and I, Rose and Bernie will always be thankful for what she did for Leo.

Original sin

Original sin

From time to time someone brings up the concept of 'Original Sin" which is a Christian belief and not Jewish.  What does it mean?
 "Original sin may be taken to mean: (1) the sin that Adam committed; (2) a consequence of this first sin, the hereditary stain with which we are born on account of our origin or descent from Adam. From the earliest times the latter sense of the word was more common, as may be seen by St. Augustine's statement: "the deliberate sin of the first man is the cause of original sin" (De nupt. et concup., II, xxvi, 43). It is the hereditary stain that is dealt with here. As to the sin of Adam we have not to examine the circumstances in which it was committed nor make the exegesis of the third chapter of Genesis."

I think it means that we are brought into a world where cycles of violence and abuse of all kinds are passed on from generation to generation.  Many ask in great pain why the world can't become a more humane place, why so much cruelty and horror?  Unless there is a way to deal with this, our continue spiral downward will continue until perhaps we destroy ourselves in one great war of rage and self hatred directed outward.  This is hard to swallow I know, I don't like it myself, but the way of world seems to point that this view is correct.  That does not mean that there are not many good people in the world who actually break the cycle of violence and abuse in their own families and by doing so do help all of mankind.  Even the gifts of science can be used to destroy and enslave, our entertainment and news does the same thing.   In the United States it seems apparent we are moving ever closer to more chaos and fragmentation… there is no end in sight.

Those who seek to stop the cycle of violence I believe are touched by God's grace and that there are a lot of people who seek to better the world through compassion. No religion I believe can claim that only they are the avenue for this influx of grace and love from the Transcendent.  The paradox is this, only those who know that they are part of the problem, or could easily be a part of the further disintegration of our societies can bring about change.  Without self knowledge it is only reduced to finger pointing which only aggravates the cycle.  Mercy and love or the only way to do it, nothing else will work.

To show mercy and forgiveness has a cost, a heavy one.  When loving parents forgive a man or woman who abused or killed their child, they take on a great deal of pain; they can't seek revenge but take the cost upon themselves.  They are crucified, but this kind of suffering leads to deeper healing and compassion.  The seeking after justice or revenge for the most part can only lead to an ever deepening self contentedness and rage that has no end.  If mercy is to be received, the who accepts it will only benefit to the extent that he understand the harm that was done and what those who forgive are putting themselves through.  Mercy and forgiveness comes with a heavy price.  It is easy to forgive someone unknown, or unloved, if the harm is slight, but the deeper the pain the harder it is to forgive.  Justice demands balance, to forgive brings that back and stops the cycle of violence.  When the past is held on to, those who do evil continue to exert power and dominance over their victims and their families.

Jesus Christ, who I believe is a revelation of God, did not come because of a wrathful God, no he came to show mercy and to forgive.  Since all evil done to another human being is done to God, then only God can forgive all human evil and cruelty or if you want 'sin'.  He did it by not seeking justice, but taking it upon himself; he suffered our spiritual death on the cross.  "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me"?  He experienced hell in our place; out of love, out of mercy; to bring us all to that place of inner healing.

Since Jesus is I believe God, what he has shown us in his death and resurrection, is something that has gone on from the beginning of time.  God immanent and transcendent, who takes on our suffering and journeys with us, that is the message of the cross.   It shows our worth, our dignity.  Human hearts are made for love, we come close to God when we learn through our own needs and weakness to have compassion for all, this is grace at work, no matter what path is walked.
The belief in original sin and in sin in general is not there to make us feel neurotic guilt, but real culpability which is good.  It is like feeling real anger; it gives the energy to move forward. To understand that sin means that I have the freedom to change, and that because of God’s mercy and compassion I can begin ever anew, each day.

I know for many this is absurd, fine, but the reality of our inability to make a better world on our own, points for me  the reality of sin and our need for salvation by grace.  This is available to all.  Reality is open-ended, that means that any simplistic understanding in how God works in the world is doomed to becoming an ideology and that brings death.

How deep and restless

How deep and restless

O Lord;
how deep is the human heart,
torn between the past and the future;
seldom in the present were reality dwells.

What we fear and hope for
often do not come to fruition,
longings unfed becomes wounds
whose pain is seen only by your gaze.

Forgetting our pilgrimage,
we seek to find home on an empty foundation,
for time takes away everything,
everyone,
wearing us down in our long days
and often endless nights.

Our home is in the moment,
seeking neither this nor that,
but only “Thou” O Lord,
the lover of our minds, souls and bodies.

(“Be still and know I am God”)

(Psalm 46:10)

A woman veteran

I had to go to the VA hospital yesterday here in Atlanta, to pick up a report of an MRI that I had done in February 2009.  I am having another one this coming Monday and the doctor may need it for comparison.  It was Wednesday so it was very busy.  When I asked for the records department I was sent down to the ground floor to the ‘file’ department.  When I arrived I of course had to fill out some paper work. 

As I was waiting a woman came and sat down next to me. She wanted directions to another department but I had no idea where it was.  The VA hospital is very large with many parallel hallways, so it can be confusing.  We talked a bit.  When I first saw her I though she might be in her early forties.  As she talked about her military stint, I gathered that she was much younger than she looked.  She was in Afghanistan for two tours over a four year period.  I am not sure what her medical problems were of course, but from the way she talked I gathered that she suffered a head wound.  She talked intelligently but very slowly with a slight stutter.  Her mind seemed clear, but her ability to speak was curtailed a bit. 

So perhaps she was in her early thirties at most.  As she talked I could tell that she had some bitterness about her time in Afghanistan and little respect for its people.  At first I was taken back, but that did not last long, for it was obvious that she had a very difficult time there and saw a lot, perhaps more than I could take if I was there in her place.  Emotional healing, like physical recuperation takes a lot of time.  I found myself liking her very much and enjoyed just being with her.  

An employee of the VA walked up to her and started talking.  They knew each other and her friend took her away to the department she was looking for.  In a few minutes I got my MRI report and went up to the first floor of the VA hospital.  When I got out of the elevator I saw her sitting there near another office waiting to be called in.  I walked up to her to say goodbye and to let her know how nice it was to meet her.  I was touched by my time with her and felt a connection. 

War is shit, I think at times the lucky ones are those who die clean and fast.  Many who come back have a lifetime of pain and suffering from what they experienced.  Seeing friends getting shot and blown up I am sure does damage to the psyche.   Also seeing women and children killed is probably much worse.  Yes my heart goes out to her and all of those who suffered from our wars. 

For some reason as I was driving home I held her close and prayed for her.  I would think that many who come back home from any war can feel isolated and alone.  I hope that she has loved ones to help her on her journey of healing, both physically and spiritually.  As much as I hate war, I suppose it will always be with us.  I know of my own warlike and violent nature, as well as that part of me that wants to be loving, kind and present to all.  This inner conflict, which I believe that most of us experience, is lived out for us on our TV sets and on the internet every day.  Not only in war, but also on sites were people of different beliefs tear into each other, showing contempt and anger and a condensing attitude.  Yes, I have done it to my shame and regret and will probably do it again, for in any inner conflict there are times when both sides are in ascendance, first this one and now that. 

The real battle is within and our world will not change until that inner conflict within billions of humans ends. Will it ever?  Perhaps by grace only will it end one day?  Until then I pray to become more loving, and when I feel hateful and angry, wanting revenge, all I can do is pray for healing and understanding of others.  It does work; from my own experience I can say this. Though it is slow going, because of my ever present inner conflict I will often fight against the very thing I pray for, though at a level so deep that I don’t see it.  This aspect of my self is seen only by God and can be healed only by grace, a gift.

Religion and spirituality

 

Religion and spirituality

For me religion and spirituality go together.  Religion is the body, spirituality the inner life.  I have stayed in my faith, I am Roman Catholic because as a very young lad I studied my faith and it doctrines and history.  I am also aware of how human and frail Christian are as well....I am of course including myself in the grouping.

I have also for most of my life developed a deep and trusting relationship with the Lord of life Jesus Christ and have felt grace and healing slowly grow in my life.  The sacraments and the writings of the saints and doctors of the church are a rich combination of writings.  Of course the Scriptures are essential.

Without a deep loving faith in God and a seeking of slowly understanding Jesus message, then religion becomes a hollow shell, something that can become evil and destructive.  So I have no problem with religion, any religion, since I know that all of us who are on that journey grow at our own pace and have our own inner demons to deal with.  Some mature early, others late in life.  Then perhaps many don't have a relationship with God, it is just something they do on Sundays, though who they are and their number I don't know, nor try to, nor judge. I have my own struggles with seeking to deepen my walk with the Lord and to also love others as Jesus says we should...which takes a death to self on a regular basis.

People are wounded and can hurt each other, so it can be difficult to stay in a community, but I feel that is where growth is and also were we can learn to speak out and make a difference. I am not talking about cults of course, which are out there and from what I have read it is really quite easy for just about anyone to fall into one.   Often people leave their parent faith and are so angry at it that they never actually get free from their past and allow it to poison their lives.  Better to study, learn about the core of ones faith and then decide to leave or stay, that way there is a clean cut.

I know people of many paths, all who combine both their religion with their inner life and live balanced and wholesome lives and grow in compassion of others....they just don't get into power position for the most part, so they are often overlooked and forgotten.

Religion, secularism, theism or atheism is not the problem, the factor that links all of these paths are humans, we are the problem.  Of course there is no hope, people will continue to speak in straw man language, as if they know the truth, when in fact it only adds to the problems of our human situation.  Original sin in my faith points to this problem.  It is not personal sin, but we are born into a broken world and it seems to get worse in many ways as each generation passes…though there are some good things that also come up.  I also talk in straw men language from time to time, so I am not in anyway placing myself above the crowd here, no, I am in the front row, I am also part of the problem and have tried all of my life to not be.....I will be dead a year before that happens.