Wanting to eat bear

Wanting to eat bear

I woke up this morning wanting to eat-bear; I was in a mood.  I believe that moods can come from different places and often I have no idea from which place.   There are times when a mood sits, comes up from the depths and the actual source may be something from the far past that colors the present.  When that happens I look for a lighting rod that I can be like the god Zeus and throw a well aimed bolt.  Of course that will not work, not being a god of any sort, and really no one to strike, so I have had to learn other strategies.  Which don’t always work by the way, not always centered by any means…..but I try.  I am told that failure is just as important as success, but I really, really, like success better, it makes my ego smile and strut.  

When I can get to the point that no one around me is actually responsible for my ‘mood’, then I have to deal with it, or sometimes just let it ride itself out….sort of like a summer thunder storm.  In other words, if I deal with it, or not, it will pass….however if I let others be victim of my mood, then it will last a lot longer and next time it may be harder to contain. 

Prayer is one way to be able to set back and try to look at it; if it is a hones communication with the deity.  Not sure I always succeed at that either, but again I try.  Failure I guess is to be expected so I don’t try to get all neurotic about it when I fail….but who is counting, right?  It is just so damn hard to get it through my head that the universe does not revolve around me….though perhaps it should….just joking there folks.

In the end, moods, the good ones and the bad ones are the same.  Not in the enjoyment of them, for who likes a bad mood?  No, in the reality that each passes.  So how do I seek to deal with this slowly moving merry go round?  The knowledge that they all pass, can help me to stay centered and get some objectivity.  So I wrestle with myself and my seeking to live out what my faith calls me to and fall on my face much of the time, but get right back up.  On the path of the inner life, self pity, or neurotic guilt, are pleasures that should be indulged in very rarely…..in reality they are a tar pit, or a tar baby, sticky, messy and hard to disentangle oneself from.

I pray for mercy for myself and others.  However when I am in a mood, and want to throw a lighting bolt, well mercy is hard to come by for others, I am too busy wanting to aim…..so I  slow down, pray, think and hopefully the clouds will pass.  I would love for all of my moods to be of the happy sort. However, I have a suspicion that if that happen; I would not know that the mood was pleasant in any case.  The Ying and yang sort of thing; hot and cold, love and hate, pleasure and pain, just the ups and downs of life.  Sort of like if it was spring all year long, who would really notice?  Also suffering, the kind that comes from within can causes me to seek deeper understanding and to take deeper root in what I am called to be as a follower of Christ…not sure being a grouch is it, though it is certainly easier from a certain point of view.
 The problem with eating bear is that it has a really awful after taste, so better not to partake at all, not matter how it is served.

Our mourning

Our mourning 

Mourning is ever new and fresh,
each time someone lost like it is the first time,
its sharpness never dulls
as it cuts though all defenses,
there is sorrow, anger and deep rage,
all pious clichés wasted,
though faith and hope remain.

We are so civilized in our mourning,
no tearing of our robes,
or ashes in our hair,

No…. 

It is all muffled and quiet,
and many are left alone,
isolated in their pain,
for the awfulness of emptiness,
the deep hole that was once full
of a life, a light,
now gone,
though again
hope remains
amidst the inner chaos,
where only silence is the true consolation. 

Is it a fools dream,
this hope,
I think not,
it is life after all,
this shit we all go through,
necessary perhaps,
this chipping away
of facades that cover
an ocean of sorrow.

Is it thus for everyone?
Yes I would say,
though those lucky few,
who are more aware,
they drink the chalice straight away,
the rest like me,
well we struggle along,
slowly coming alive
by life’s cruel jest.

Change

Change

Is there nothing that we can cling to, or something in our world that is permanent?   Of course the answer is no.   It is so easy to take things for granted until they are gone.  There must be on some unconscious level, a place where it is believed that nothing actually changes.  That all of our relationships, the situations we find ourselves in are somehow permanent.  We know that is not true, yet this can persist, it shows in how we react when things do change, or something important is taken from us forever, never to return.  We have all the time in the world, we can lie to ourselves.  Letting things that are very important, normally thought of as the little things, pass us by.  Yet our moments, even if they are measured the same all the time, by minutes, hours, days, months and years, yet it can seem like a lie.  For a year can pass like it was a weekend, so fast can time seem to fly.  Blink in January and it is June, then another blink and yet another year has passed. 

Our lives change drastically when we lose something.  A friend, or our health, a spouse, and of course we can wake up one morning and we find ourselves ‘old’.  Though to our surprise we don’t feel old, in fact we can feel quite young in many ways.  Perhaps our illusion of permanence is based on something deeper and real, that is projected out onto a world that is in the midst of unceasing change, of becoming and then falling into non-being.  It is probably best that people do not think too much on their contingency, yet to not think of it at all I believe is unhealthy and can lead to tragedy and deep suffering.  I guess if we live long enough we will experience the loss of a great deal in our lives.  Some live to see the loss of everything if they live to be very old.   I have an idea that the less people admit to this reality the more frantic life can become.   For while it is hard for me to think of my own death, I see too much of around me to actually be able to repress it very deeply or often.  What is it we take with us, when we die?  Much of what is thought of as important is left behind.  Of course many believe that death is like hitting a brick wall, there is nothing after death, so the question is probably silly to them.  Those of us who believe otherwise, perhaps it is not so simple.  Perhaps what we take with us are our choices and how those decisions have created us in some fashion. 

In the Christian faith, after the Incarnation of Christ, we are called to become ever more fully human and loving.  Anything that does not lead to that is what is called sin.  A state of being still born, stuck, of closing off the fullness of life that Christ Jesus is calling I believe all of mankind to.  The problem with my faith is that it is easy to fall into the trap of actually knowing how God works in the hearts of all of mankind. 

 Jesus tells us to let go of fear, to trust and have faith.  How important is that for a species that not only knows that they will die but also struggle with the actual existence of God.  I believe we all have doubts, though they may be repressed….yet we live in a world were absolute certainty is not possible, though deep faith is.  If I need total proof of the existence of God, then I would become an atheist.  Yet atheism is not something that can proven, it is a choice.   If atheism was based on some kind of science, well I would suppose that most of mankind would be atheist; such is not the case, nor do I believe will it ever be.  Science can tell us about the world, but the deeper questions and longings cannot be touched by it.  Though the proponents of scientism would like to convince us otherwise; not sure how successful they are.  Many atheists, those that are militant do about as much good for their cause as do militant fundamentalist Christians….the key word here is militant.

Ever new (grace)

Ever new

(grace)

In human relationships, even the deepest, the most enduring, like that of loving parents, have limits, though these limits are seldom reached in life.  Parents will love their children even if they do great evil, even if they abandon them, yet the love more often than not persists.  Human love of the best kind shadows the love of God, which is infinite. 

I still have little understanding of what this means, a love that has no bottom, like an ocean that has no end to its width and depth.  We can love deeply, because we are made in the image and likeness of God.  Perhaps that is why when we do show mercy and compassion and the fruit of humility which leads to empathy; we feel joy and expansion in our hearts.  When we don’t, we feel deep suffering, even though we may not call it that.  Contempt and hatred for others is a form of suffering that only gets worse as times moves on.  It is because the human heart is made for more, much more and when that is not attained; well there is only an isolated self at war with others that remains.  It is a hell like experience that can be perceived as normal.

Grace; the grace that is taught by Christ, is God’s love shown in the incarnation.  For me, this slow understanding of what that means is a lifetime endeavor and the deeper the Lord leads me, the more I don’t understand, but still I seek to swim ever deeper.  We can swim in mystery; play in it and can become frustrated because the deeper truth is just beyond our reach and in our seeking it always remains so, though we do go ever deeper into God’s love and grace.  Understanding is often manifested in the healing that takes place, which shows in our relationships.  We become vessels for the love of God to be manifested in the world.  It happens because we stay open, don’t give up, and in spite of our ever deeper understanding of our need for grace, which is again humility; we find ourselves becoming what we never thought possible. 

Grace, God’s love, is what halts the natural self destructive tendencies that we seem to have as a species.  Our cultures, with all of its beauty, as well as what is ugly, life denying and outright evil, is a reflection of our inner selves, which is not often a pretty picture.  Because of that, many do not believe the grace that is shown to us in Christ Jesus is possible. Yet infinite love sees deeply, sees all and because of that can forgive and heal all. 

Christians often make the mistake of trying to domesticate God, and then become the Pharisees of this age.  Good people, who perhaps forget the complete gift that God’s grace has been for them.  Infinite love can’t be hemmed in, nor can anyone understand the loving relationship that God has for each of his children.  The reason we are told not to judge others, to separate them into groups, the saved and the unsaved, is because we simply don’t know what we are talking about.  We are called to love, to show the hope we have in Christ Jesus in a manner that is respectful and loving…….we do not need to carry the awful burden of being a judge.  Our hearts our small, for in this life we are all children at the beginning of our journey into eternity, an eternity of ever deeper searching for God’s love, as well as experiencing it.  It is ever new; there is always a new beginning in our love of God, as well as our love for one another.  We are called to pray for all, and to seek to serve those in need, for the poor are always with us.  I would suppose all of us are poor in someway, often hidden. So we are called to love all, which again, in order to do that, it is grace that works in secret to bring out this fruit.  It is humility that allows this to happen.  For self knowledge make true the adage:  “There, but for the grace of God, go I”. 

Spiritual path

Spiritual path
(2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

What you deal with on a daily basis.  That which comes up over and over again; cycles of frustration as well as deep inner struggle.  Also what others tell us but perhaps the truth of their statements are fought and denied…..this messiness, the humiliation of failure, it is in these areas of the life that make up the spiritual path.  It is not about consolation, perfection, or being better than others, no, it is about the death to aspects of our selves that are manifested in our moral struggles, but the root is often deeper.  This simple but difficult truth is what slowly leads most of those who seek deeper relationship with God and an ever deeper openness to grace, to slow healing and a deepening ability to love others as well as themselves; within the turmoil.  In this process, the need to judge others is no longer present, or if it is, it diminishes with time.  Self knowledge leads to humility, which leads to compassion for others who also have their own hidden struggles.  Failure is part of it, getting up most important, and to look upward and not to get stuck in neurotic-guilt; which is a waste of time and a useless diversion.  True guilt leads to change, to seeking if possible to make things right with those we have harmed, while on the other hand, neurotic guilt is just a dog chasing its tail leading nowhere.  The new life that Jesus calls us to can’t be experienced unless there is radical self knowledge and trust in infinite love and compassion.  As well as the death to all the crap piled up on us by cultural and yes at times, by religious indoctrination. 

Being seen 

Oh Lord that I may see as you saw,
beyond labels but deeper,
to see the heart of those I meet,
and the understanding
that we are all in need of mercy,
healing and yes the experience
of being seen and not boxed in.

An old war horse like me

An old war horse like me

I am not really into all this ‘soft male’ or ‘metro-sexual’ kind of thing.  Of course some of it is because of my age, though even if I was young, I doubt I would want to be that gentle or in touch with my emotions and feelings the way that many seem to be today.   After saying that, when studying how our cultural is changing, I can see some good in the above….even if at times it may be taken way too far.  Though of course I am speaking from the perspective of being old and out touch with the mind set of young people…. which is as it should be. 

Possibly the older generation has something to share, but if the older generation always had its way, then we would still be back in the Stone Age.  We are meant to be by-passed, just as today’s young will one day be by passed by the up coming generation.  It is when the wisdom of the past is lost, or mocked, that I believe that cultures die.  When the roots of a cultures past are cut off, then everything dries up and dies. 

Head and heart, rational thought, thinking, being objective (which is an illusion I suppose), is something that I value. To the point where there are many instances where I don’t know what my emotions and feelings are at any one point.  As I age I find that this is not helpful and perhaps even has an effect on my health.  I know that illness has physical component, but there is also the psychosomatic, which also plays a role.  My asthma for instances is real, but the fact that it flares up from time to time, I feel is based my life long habit of stuffing certain types of emotions. A habit, that is life long and pertains to the ‘softer’, or if you must, more feminine aspect of my inner life. 

When I was 40 I went to a friend of mine who was a therapist for about two years.  I saw him once a month, which was all I could take and I spent a fair amount of time disassociating when speaking.  When this happened, he conked out, it was funny.  I would be talking about something real, he was with me, then he would get sleepy and his head would fall over.  It happened every time I left the emotional material and went to the head and started intellectualizing.  In any case, he helped me enough to extend my life.  The reason I went to him was because I could sense my body wearing down with all the energy I spent in keeping my emotions in check.  So I guess I am a little further along on the road, but I often feel like I am only on the first mile of a hundred mile journey. 

The other day I was talking about a friend who is dying on the phone with another person that I trust.  To my surprise I totally broke down, something I have not done I suppose since I was 15 or so.  So perhaps there is hope for an old war horse like me; maybe I have started the second mile, finally. 

Humility is not perfection

 

Humility is not perfection

With people, well yes, at times we have to play it safe.  For we can all be mean and cruel, even if we may not see it that way.  With God, no, all fears must be addressed in the Lords presence, his holiness only allows for more compassion at our often feeble struggles to follow in his footsteps.  Humility is a difficult virtue, since it deals with the reality of who we are… it brings us to our knees in love and hope.    Humility is not perfection, no; it is the knowledge of our own imperfections and our growing hope in God's love and mercy towards all, even our enemies.