Living deeply

 

Living deeply

Perceptions can be wrong, dangerous and life denying.  They often come from our deep past, making trust of others difficult. Or if trust broken after a new beginning, the over-reaction can often be directed at everyone and leading to closing oneself off even more.  It takes courage and trust; choices that are painful and difficult, to open up again and move forward in life.  To live fully has a price, so does being overprotective of one-self and living in isolation.  Pain is an important part of life, though one that most of us (me mostly) would like otherwise.  To become more human, life has to be embraced and to just take the next step forward may be all we can do....it is enough.  Life can be lived deeply, though it may never be fully understood.  Faith can be a difficult path to traverse for the mystery only deepens the further we go and learn to trust.

Still on the way

Still on the way

One day a friend complained that I only write about struggle, pain, loss etc.  Well I said, writing tends to focus on the more tragic aspects of life.  When we feel joy and things go well, it seems right, there is nothing to work through, though thankfulness is in order.  It is in struggle that we are forced to ponder, think and for me, as it is true for many, to seek out God's love, healing and grace.  In real life, when I am relating to others, I am sort of a clown, when I write; a different side comes to the surface.  Which is real?  Both are, just like for everyone else.  We can be complicated critters at times, but as we age and mature, I believe we can become more simple and childlike.  Have not got there yet, still on the way, no doubt till the day I die and perhaps after; I can be very slow on the uptake.

Uphill climb

Uphill climb

I have come to the conclusion that there are aspects of myself that will always be a tad wild and out of control.  Over long years of hit and miss I have come to the realization that all I can do is love those little devils and stop fighting them.  I just offer them to the Lord and they seem to quiet down a bit.  I suppose we all have thorns in our side that keeps us seeking inner balance.  Maybe they are needed.  There are times when I panic, then I look to the Lord and say, well here I go again, glad I can offer this to you. Whatever is good comes from you, your gift to me, well, all I have to offer is my struggle, inner pain, and my unbelief and doubt....and to my surprise, always, you take them and heal me just a little more.  Trust is getting easier, though still an uphill climb.

Why would they

Why would they

 People, who are at peace with themselves and know themselves, don't need to gossip, why would they?  The more I am aware of my own inner struggles and failures, the less I need to look down on others, since I know that they are mirrors of my inner world, though perhaps hidden in the hidden ocean we call the unconscious.  Seeing something in another may be true, it is in the harshness of the judgment that we get into trouble....for we are judging ourselves I believe.  We live in a hall of mirrors, others show us our reflections.  The less we know of ourselves the more distorted the image.  In any case it is a life long process and in the end, only Jesus (speaking as a Christian of course) can give us the courage to move into those inner dark rooms, where he is there waiting, patiently and with love

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The splinter

The splinter

Gossip is so common and is so easily done that those who do it (myself of course included) don't understand the evil that is committed towards others, until of course they are the victims.  We are all powerless before back stabbing, gossip and talk that can ruin us.  Evil said spreads easily, it can't be stopped.... it is to entertaining for the ears to hear and gives the drug of being self righteous.  All my life I have struggled with my tendency to let loose about someone, at times I am able to stop, at other times to my shame I fail. 

It is funny how easily I can look around the log in my own eye and see the tiny splinter in the eye of another.

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They are many (thanksgiving)

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They are many
(thanksgiving)

As I get older, and time goes by even faster (I will be 64 next week), I have come to understand that each moment is precious, even the painful ones. For all things pass, but the thing that stays for the whole journey, that heals, is the love I seek to develop.  As well as the kindnesses that others do for me, and my ability to let go of all that impedes me on my road, to ever greater and deeper inner freedom.  We each have a path. As a Christian, I believe it is trust and the choice to trust, in spite of all that points to the contrary that is the path that leads to the death to self that Jesus calls us to.  Love of self at least for me is still a struggle, yet the burden of self doubt and self contempt lessens as I age. One day I believe the Lord will fulfill his mission in my heart, as well as in all hearts, of all those who seek love and truth.

Thanksgiving is just a call to grow deeper into love, gratitude and the understanding that this is the seed that allows the soul to soar, even if life at times is rough, painful and makes no sense.  I think most of us will find ourselves there at different times in our lives.  The most amazing people I have met are those who have gone through the roughest times and come out filled with love, hope and trust.  They have sweat blood and come out intact.  They are healers of others, people of deep compassion and understanding….they are many and all around us, often not knowing the gifts they bring to others, yet healers they are.

Bubba (we all look alike)

Bubba

When you are 'older', a tad overweight, and bald on top, long beard and a pony tail, well you know the saying, we all look alike.  There are a couple of men here in Conyers who seem to look just like me, or enough to be mistaken for them.  One is named "bubba", not an uncommon name in Georgia and I think he is a carpenter; the other man is named John and a motorcycle fixer upper.  It kind of makes me nervous at times.  You never know, one of them could be my evil twin.  One day I was coming out of Wal-Mart, and this lady runs up to me and gives me a hug and says:  "Bubba where have you been, have not seen you in weeks".  Then she saw that my eyes were blue and got red and said she was so sorry, but insisted I looked just like "Bubba".  I kept looking for the candid camera crew to pop out.  With John I have also been approached a couple of time.  One time was not too pleasant.  I think John owed someone some money.  So now when I am in town, and I see someone approaching me with that look of finding a long lost friend, or someone who may owe them money, I raise my had, give them my best smile and say:  “I am not a carpenter and I don't fix motor bikes and my name is not John or Bubba".  That stops them in their tracks and they say sorry and continue on their way.   This had not happened for a few years, and then last week someone approached me about me fixing their bike again.  After I explained that I had the mechanical ability of a rat on cocaine, he laughed and went on his way.  Yeah, we all look alike, makes me feel part of something greater than myself that can bite.